Steve | RVGFanatic

Ardy Lightfoot (SNES)

**Pub: Titus | Dev: ASCII | February 1994 | 8 MEGS**

One of my favorite things about this hobby is the ability to right childhood wrongs by going back to play games that I missed out on. Ardy Lightfoot turns 25 years old this month, and it was one of those games that intrigued me as a kid. It looked like a fun game and a hidden gem. When I got back into the SNES over 13 years ago in January of 2006, Ardy Lightfoot was one of the earliest games I sought out. At that time, I’d been curious about it for 12 years. Sometimes your gut feeling about a game is right and sometimes it’s wrong. Let’s see where Ardy Lightfoot stacks up.

THE YEAR WAS 1994

I was instantly intrigued the first time I laid eyes on Ardy Lightfoot via an EGM preview guide. Sadly, my brother made most of the renting choices back in the day and “ALF” never struck his fancy like it did mine. Thus, Ardy Lightfoot (along with over a hundred other SNES games) became doomed to remain a childhood curiosity… that is, until my SNES resurgence in early 2006.

WHO IS ARDY?

AND THAT BLUE BLOB?

AND WHO, PRAY TELL, IS LIGHTFINGER?

No one, really. Pay Super Play no mind... — No one, really. Pay Super Play no mind…

WHAT ABOUT ARTY?

Arty Lightfoot... nice one, guys — *Arty Lightfoot*… nice one, Super NES Buyer’s Guide

Mascot platformers were all the rage in the early '90s — Mascot platformers were all the rage in the ’90s

Congrats to Konami for securing the rights to Monsters, which eventually became the cult hit Zombies Ate My Neighbors. Reading tidbits like that is always a blast when revisiting the gaming magazines of yesteryear.

AND THIS GUY?

THE STORY GOES…

That awesome mini-manga was featured in the instruction manual of the Super Famicom version. The English text was translated by Kate (AKA vgperson). Thanks Kate for your awesome contribution!

Coincidentally, Titus published Ardy Lightfoot and Titus’ logo bears more than a passing resemblance to the titular hero. I like how the title screen conveys a sense of wonder and adventure. Even the font and colors are on point and all indicators, thus far, seem to point in the right direction. What could go wrong?

PROLOGUE

Introductory stage takes us through a mysterious mine.

Indiana Jones and Metroid flashbacks…

Visconti, the big bad of the game, is informed of the latest. Meanwhile, Ardy maneuvers about the cute isometric map. It makes me think of games such as Super Mario RPG, Equinox, Shadowrun and even EarthBound.

Reading the slate aloud, the old man tells us that the rainbow has been divided into seven pieces. Scattered across the land, it’ll grant the owner a wish once all seven pieces have been reunited. But before they can enjoy some tea, the local town is suddenly set ablaze!

Isometric visuals will never get old for me.

SCENE 1: MINING TOWN ABLAZE

Visconti’s goons are bombing this poor little town. Save the denizens from certain doom! Throw Pec around to clear the bad guys.

Eventually, it crashes into a water tower and Ardy goes through the hole as the old man and Nina look on with grave concern.

SCENE 2: GROUNDER’S MINE

Regular jumps won’t suffice here. Call upon Ardy’s tail spring super jump. Jump and then press the jump button again before landing to activate his springy tail. Unfortunately, it’s a bit awkward to implement and never feels as smooth as you would like.

SCENE 3: TUNNEL CHASE

Reminiscent of Donkey Kong Country… but don’t forget that Ardy Lightfoot came out a year prior. The Super Famicom version was released on November 26, 1993 while Donkey Kong Country came out precisely one year later on November 26, 1994. What are the odds?

Donkey Kong Country has it beat though in terms of which mine cart level is more interesting and fun! Some of the stages in Ardy Lightfoot are laughably short and simple — this being one of them.

Beware of falling rocks and spring tail jump him to oblivion. Pec won’t damage him and neither will regular jumps. You secure the first of seven Rainbow shards after beating him.

Mysteriously swooping in is Don Jacoby. Is he friend or foe? Make your way to the forest next.

Flashback of how Catry stole one of the precious Rainbow shards.

SCENE 4: LUMBERJACK FOREST

There’s no shortage of stars to collect here. Pec gobbles up enemies like Yoshi.

Special icons transform Pec into an inflated makeshift ride. It doesn’t last long but you’ll be able to grab otherwise unreachable items.

Platformers typically have some kind of continue marker. Step on her head and she writes furiously to record your journey. I like it a lot; it’s quirky and has that “Nintendo touch” to it. On the flip side, the game’s first truly annoying bit presents itself when you have to jump off those enemy heads in succession to safely reach the other side. They’re a bit far apart and the control is not very precise, making it unnecessarily frustrating.

Paying homage to Sonic the Hedgehog, Ardy comes screaming down the hill with incredible speed. Clear the stage and head to the tree fortress.

SCENE 5: CATRY’S TREE FORTRESS

Platforming rule #72: one must have a vertically scrolling stage. This one is a bit annoying because certain jumps require the awkward spring tail jump and some of the platforms rotate, giving you very little time to react.

Wrestle your way to the top and it’s that blasted Don Jacoby again. You’ll find a 1-UP generously placed in the chest because the upcoming boss fight can be a bit tricky at first.

Jumping on the color buttons causes a boxing glove of the matching color to extend out. Be quick on your toes!

Securing the second Rainbow shard? Not so fast. That cowardly Catry flies off with it but she ends up getting eaten by a giant worm! Crap, you got no other choice but to follow…

SCENE 6: EATEN!!

Following in the tradition of the Bonk games, Congo’s Caper and The Magical Quest: Starring Mickey Mouse, Ardy finds himself navigating through the belly of a beast. I’m always a sucker for such levels.

Climbing and sliding down the slimy strands of this beast is as fun as it is disgusting. Watch out for the acid and sharp teeth!

Apprehend Catry’s Rainbow shard and we’re off to the pyramid.

SCENE 7: ANCIENT PYRAMID

Difficulty of this game fluctuates like crazy. This is a very annoying stage that requires pinpoint precision from a game lacking such.

Killing that enemy reduces the light.

Killing another one reduces it even further. The thing is, you pretty much have to which leaves you no choice but to brave the dark.

Thankfully, it doesn’t last too long.

Falling spikes impale Ardy easily. I like the lighting effect here but damn is it hard to avoid those deadly spikes.

Pushing gimmick is utilized a bit here but I wish the game used it a little more. That mouse is up to no good.

World’s Strongest Genie (eat your heart out Will Smith) flexes like a champ. Get up to the lamp and secure the key.

SCENE 8: MOUSE TRAP

Homewrecker mouse nabs the Rainbow shard before you can. Flag it down to end this ridiculously short level.

Quickly get the hell out before you’re crushed!

JACOBY?!? He appears out of nowhere to save Ardy. You book it and the wall collapses right after you’re out of harm’s way. Does that mean Don Jacoby is…

Beecroft reports Ardy’s adventures back to Visconti. Meanwhile, our furry hero sails out to the high seas.

SCENE 9: GILSON’S PIRATE SHIP

Somewhere Steven Spielberg is smiling (or not). Gilson is a vicious owl with some serious firepower.

However, beat Gilson and you’ll earn his respect and another Rainbow shard. Time to sail back.

Beecroft proves to be a real punk as he runs over an old man and kidnaps helpless Nina.

SCENE 10: ISLAND OF RUINS

Beware of cannonballs in this gorgeous early evening stage. Hold the block to block incoming arrows.

Catching a ride on an arrow is quite satisfying. Use the cannonballs to make your way across this spiky pit.

Always been a sucker for collectable items arranged in a recognizable fashion. A lone skeleton guards the exit. This game suffers a bit from short and sparse levels.

SCENE 11: BEECROFT’S STRONGHOLD

Nothing like a starry night to hit me in the feels. Watch out for the buzzsaw.

Mindless bots will carry that block. Time your spring tail jump perfectly. It can be a bit tricky. You meet up with Beecroft once again but this time, it’s on.

Visually, this is the game’s most impressive moment. It’s such a beautiful sight and makes me wish Ardy Lightfoot had more strong moments like such. Use the prism to deflect the boss’ energy beams. Suck it, Beecroft!

MechaGodzilla flashbacks. This boss has a ton of projectiles but it’s no match for Ardy and his trusty prism!

Earthquake!! Hey look, Don Jacoby lives! And, he offers a helping hand.

SCENE 12: UNDERGROUND PASSAGE

Miniature Ardy gives you an extra life. Ardy can hold his breath underwater. But beware of biting fish!

Yanking and creating a path for yourself is the order of the day here. It’s fun and this is easily the best stage of the game. I just wish the other stages were as well crafted as this.

Another reason I like this stage so much: Pec becomes Super Pec! Sadly, Super Pec exists only in this one level. Pull more switches to solve the puzzle.

Nothing stands in the way of Super Pec! Toss him through barriers and he’ll do the rest. Treasure chests abound but the “trapped” skeletal prisoners burst to life!

Awww… how cute. Ardy’s posing for his eHarmony profile. More skeletons spring to life but Super Pec sends them packing.

Finally, we come to the third and last switch. Yank it to make the water rise which opens up the exit for Ardy. It’s a shame the other levels aren’t as fun or interesting as this one.

Visconti’s castle looms ominously in the background as Ardy makes his way to the stronghold.

SCENE 13: VISCONTI’S CASTLE

Punishing BS here. The game’s uneven difficulty is jarring, to say the least. One level it’s easy and the next it’s murder (literally). Catch a lift on the arrows going up. This requires timing and precision. It wouldn’t be so bad if the control was more responsive and there wasn’t a lava pit below. Hey, at least there’s no timer right?

SCENE 14: THRONE ROOM

Speaking of brutally difficult, stage 14 isn’t any easier. Use Pec to navigate your way through. Unfortunately, Pec can stay inflated for only so long. Thankfully, there are treasure chests scattered throughout for you to return your friend to puffy status. But it’s still a bitch.

SCENE 15: THE TOWER

Springboard from one platform to the next and make your way all the way to the top. Thankfully, this one isn’t too bad.

SCENE 16: HALL OF MIRRORS

Visually, the Hall of Mirrors is a standout. The effect is very reminiscent of that one stage from Battletoads in Battlemaniacs.

Aquaman would be proud of Ardy here. Things get a bit trickier when a wall obscures part of your view and you must rely on your reflection on the bottom of the screen. Neat stuff!

SCENE 17: ROYAL THRONE ROOM

Perfect form on Nina’s part! So dramatic and theatrical. Even the tiny sound effect of her arms hitting the floor on that last shot there is flawless.

Lightning bolts stop Ardy dead in his tracks. Visconti is a nasty final boss. Good luck!

Destroy Visconti and reunite the ~~Infinity Gems~~ Rainbow shards. Marvel Super Heroes: War of the Gems would be proud.

Having collected all 7 pieces, Ardy is granted one wish. He uses it to revive Nina. What a good guy, that Ardy.

PSST, WHAT’S THE PASSWORD?

Although not a long game by any means, password systems are always a plus. I particularly like the style of this one a lot. Arrange the three blocks in the right spots. These spots include the house, table, stump, balloon and tree. It’s cute and memorable!

CHEAT CODES

There’s a cheat code to play Ardy Lightfoot in either black and white or sepia. Kind of odd but hey, it’s there if you have that urge.

There’s even a code to play as miniature Ardy. It’s basically being able to control the 1-UP icon. At the end of the game, we get a TO BE CONTINUED message. Sadly, this would be Ardy’s one and only adventure to date. On a side note, I think this universe has a ton of potential and could find a great home on the Nintendo Switch…

Now you can play all the levels to your hearts content — Now you can play all the levels to your heart’s content

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

Thumbs up or nay? [I C WAT U DID DERE -Ed.] — Thumbs up or nay?
*[I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE -Ed.]*

Ardy Lightfoot did well with the critics. EGM gave it scores of 6, 7, 7, 8 and 8. Super Play rated it 83%. However, opinions vary among SNES fans. Some praise Ardy Lightfoot to the moon, calling it a hidden gem and deeming it as one of the great forgotten SNES games of the ’90s. Other retro gamers don’t hold it in quite the same esteem. If you haven’t played it yet and you have a penchant for mascot platformers from the early-mid ’90s, definitely find a way to play it somehow and see for yourself which camp you belong to.

Sorry EGM but I have to call you out on one thing here. “Huge levels” — really? Really?? The levels are almost embarrassingly short, well, many of them at least.

Super Play got it right when they called the levels short. Not sure what EGM was smoking

CLOSING THOUGHTS

When I first booted up Ardy Lightfoot back in early 2006, it had been a 12 year curiosity. I remember seeing the previews in EGM and wanting to play it so badly. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself that surely it had to be a hidden gem. The visuals have that classic SNES look — they’re bright and bold and look a bit like a Saturday morning cartoon come to life. Ardy had the potential to be a great protagonist, and his trusty sidekick Pec adds to the overall appeal of the package. Heck, there’s even a cool isometric map that makes the game look like an RPG even though it’s strictly a platformer.

I think you know where this is going, though. So what went wrong? To be certain, Ardy Lightfoot is by no means a bad game. It’s quite playable and even enjoyable. But for my money, it comes nowhere close to fulfilling its potential. A platformer is only as good as its control. You look at a masterpiece like Super Mario World with its impeccable control and stunning level design and it’s easy to see why it stands the test of time. Ardy Lightfoot, unfortunately, is let down by less than stellar control. It isn’t ultra responsive, and the tail spring jump mechanism is a bit awkward to use. And you use it quite a bit. It’s also annoying how simply pressing either left or right sends Ardy sprinting not long after. In general, something about the control is slightly off. These factors are enough in my book to bump Ardy Lightfoot from hidden gem contention.

Some of the 17 levels are quite fun to navigate, with interesting gimmicks that reel you in. Unfortunately, the majority of the levels leave something to be desired in terms of both design and length. I never really felt like I was able to truly sink my teeth into this game. For every semi-brilliant level, there are 4 or 5 very plain ones that struggle to leave an imprint. Enemies are also very sparse, leaving the game to feel a little devoid of action. Speaking of missed opportunities, they could have done a lot more with Pec. Yeah you can toss him at enemies and he has two different forms he can turn into, but his different forms only occur in a paltry 3 of the 17 stages. This game would be so much better if only the developers incorporated Pec more to further differentiate it from the pack of “me too” platformers that proliferated the SNES throughout the ’90s.

These blemishes make playing Ardy Lightfoot a bit of an uneven experience. One level you’re cruising through and the next you’re utterly decimated. The difficulty fluctuates and the less than stellar control doesn’t help when the difficulty randomly spikes. But if you’re the persistent type and can overlook the game’s notable flaws, then there’s enough merit backing Ardy Lightfoot to make it worth seeking out.

It’s just a shame it doesn’t quite live up to its potential. Not all childhood curiosities have a happy ending. But at least it didn’t flop. There’s definitely a decent game here, but hidden gem? Not in my book. Ardy Lightfoot to me is a slight disappointment, bordering on moderate. I was hoping to love it and sing its praises. A little tweaking here and there and some polish could have made this one special. Instead, it is what it is. Ardy Lightfoot is merely a footnote in the annals of SNES lore.

Graphics: 8
Sound: 6.5
Gameplay: 6.5
Longevity: 5

Overall: 6.5

Happy 25th anniversary, Ardy! May there be an Ardy Lightfoot 2 one day to get it right — Happy 25th anniversary, Ardy!
May there be an *Ardy Lightfoot 2* one day to get it right

Tetsuwan Atom (SFC)

***Pub: Zamuse | Dev: Minato Giken | February 18, 1994***

25 years ago today, Zamuse released Tetsuwan Atom (AKA Astro Boy AKA Mighty Atom) on the Super Famicom. While the game itself is a mere footnote in the annals of SNES lore, there’s no denying the immense popularity and impact of the source material. Today we celebrate the titular science fiction superhero by looking at his one and only Super Famicom game.

A LONG AND STORIED HISTORY

Created by Osamu Tezuka, Astro Boy began as a manga series in 1952. Astro Boy is even older than another iconic Japanese legend: Godzilla. It is the 10th best selling manga series of all time, having sold over 100 million copies.

10 years ago in 2009, it even had its own movie

There will even be a live action movie in the future

Astro Boy will appear in Crystal Crisis April 23, 2019 — *Astro Boy* will appear in *Crystal Crisis* (April 23, 2019)

Crystal Crisis is a puzzle game akin to Puzzle Fighter — *Crystal Crisis* is a puzzle game akin to *Puzzle Fighter*

Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo... a gem — *Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo*… a gem

On a side note, Nicalis just announced the 20th and final character for their upcoming puzzle game, Crystal Crisis. It is none other than Kawase from the super quirky Super Famicom cult hit, Umihara Kawase.

Umihara Kawase Fresh hits the Switch April 25, 2019 — *Umihara Kawase Fresh* hits the Switch April 25, 2019

I can’t wait to play both Crystal Crisis and Umihara Kawase Fresh on my Switch this spring. Funny that both releases will be just two days apart. So many good games and not nearly enough time!

Cant wait. The hype is real — Can’t wait. The hype is real

See you soon Astro Boy! — See you soon *Astro Boy*!

BACK TO TETSUWAN ATOM…

*cue Movie Trailer Voice Guy*

In a time of hostility and turmoil, only one hero has the courage…

… and the will of a nation’s indomitable spirit…

HE IS…

ASTRO BOY! TETSUWAN ATOM! — *ASTRO BOY*! *TETSUWAN ATOM*!

Based off the classic manga and anime series by Osamu Tezuka, this is an action game featuring 8 levels. Some are straight platforming romps while others have you taking to the skies. Let’s check out the first 5 stages.

LEVEL 1

Typical easy introductory level. His movement is a bit stiff and his punch lacks range so there may be an adjustment period.

Beware of giant boulders! The first boss is a piece of cake. Use the Air Dash to quickly defeat it.

LEVEL 2

Unspeakable horrors lie inside this fright-filled haunted house. But judging by the terrible lightning outside, you just MIGHT be safer inside…

Perhaps I spoke too soon! Crawl in that little space there so that the chained ball will sail safely over your head.

Luckily, you’re armed with super strength. And staying true to form, your bright eye lamps are put to use whenever in the dark. This spirit boss requires several Air Dashes before submitting to the foul night.

LEVEL 3

Showing off his flight powers, this stage curves around. Kill everything on the first floor. Don’t bother punching here as the Air Dash proves to be most effective. Once you kill everything, repeat this process on the second floor. The third floor is where you’ll face the boss. His second form is a tough little cookie!

LEVEL 4

Despite being an android, Astro Boy can brave the waters with no electrical issues. The spike sections are tricky. Occasionally, the water current flows in the other direction and the force is incredibly strong. The school of fish zooming by is a lovely visual effect when these tides occur.

Relying on your Air Dashes much? Well this stage disables that ability so you must rely instead on your swimming and flying prowess to help see you through. The boss of this level is one bad mutha! Watch out for its long limb and electric bolts. Save that energy tank power-up at the bottom there until you’re down to your last heart.

LEVEL 5 (AND BEYOND)

Platforming rule #11 dictates that there must be some kind of auto-scrolling stage. Many hazards attempt to put you down for the count. Later levels incorporate the Super Nintendo’s Mode 7 special effects.

MISCELLANEOUS NOTES

You begin with 3 hearts. Along the way extra hearts can be gained. Each heart accounts for two enemy attacks. Health refills and 1-UP’s are also scattered throughout

The default controls are awkward (B = jump, A = punch, X = charges the flight meter). Thankfully, it’s adjustable

The flight meter must be charged before you can fly, and during flight slowly decreases. Pressing A during flight executes the powerful Air Dash. This attack grants you temporary invulnerability. Press A during an Air Dash to cease abruptly. Otherwise you’ll zip across until your meter is fully depleted

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Astro Boy has been around for nearly 70 years now. He’s often considered as sort of the Mickey Mouse or Super Man of Japan — that’s how big and influential he has been in the anime and manga fandom. His place in pop culture history has been cemented with a long and storied legacy… one that continues even to this day. Tetsuwan Atom on the Super Famicom is a decent game, if not leaning toward average. It’s nothing special, nor anything you should actively seek out. But for huge fans of Mighty Atom, it might be worth a look if nothing else than morbid curiosity. It’s certainly playable, but it’s nowhere near essential. At any rate, happy 25 years to the Super Famicom game. You may be largely forgotten, but you’re honored on this milestone day nonetheless.

Fast Times At Bayside High: The Reunion

In my previous article, Fast Times At Bayside High, I looked back on one of the best college courses I ever took: Storytelling. I shared some of the great stories from that class, including a few of my own. It went so long though that I had to break it up. So now I’ll share my third and final story from that semester. Also, stay tuned to the very end — I conducted an interview with Cylk Cozart back in 2009 regarding his Saved By The Bell cameo and much more.

Be sure to read my Q&A with Cylk Cozart at the end

THE FINAL STORY

No rest for the wicked! Right after Zack’s War I started thinking about what my third and final story might be. It had to be better than my first two. One day I was perusing the children section of my library looking for inspiration. It hit me in the form of BASEBALL SAVED US. It’s an awe-inspiring story about a young spirited Japanese boy’s experience in camp in 1942 — the year when all people of Japanese descent living in America were put into camps due to the government’s increasing paranoia. Many decades later, 1988 to be precise, the US government admitted their wrongdoing. I love baseball and found much breadth in this tale of survival and hope. I decided to adapt BASEBALL SAVED US for my final story until fate stepped in. One day in December of 2003 I came across a hilarious story I read online. I loved it so much that it bumped Baseball Saved Us.

The story was a little short though, so I fleshed it out by incorporating a fun rapid fire scene from an old childhood favorite of mine, Happy Ghost III. For those unfamiliar to the Happy Ghost series, it was a comedy franchise consisting of five films from 1984-1991. It’s totally a product of its time and it’s super cheesy but I find a lot of charm in that.

They don't make 'em like they used to — They don’t make ‘em like they used to

Happy Ghost III featured the mega adorable Maggie Cheung — *Happy Ghost III* starred the too adorable Maggie Cheung

My title went from one end of the board to the other!

So, adapting one scene from Happy Ghost III and jamming it with the online story I read, I had a full and proper story to end things with a bang. I called it AFTER FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH… BUT BEFORE AMERICAN PIE… THERE WAS A GUY… NAMED ALAN Y. The title was so long that it stretched all the way across the white board. I remember my classmates clamoring about it when they saw the ridiculously long title on the board. They knew they were in for quite a treat.

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe that there’s someone out there for everyone? Well, this is a story about me and my dear sweetheart, Katy. As you can probably infer from the title of this story however, this isn’t exactly your run of the mill sappy love story. But first, let me tell you how Katy and I met.

It was my first day of my senior year in high school… but for most others it was the 5th week of school. Yeah, I changed schools. But let’s not talk about why. So I’m cruising the parking lot for a spot and there’s one left. That’s when I saw this goofy looking teacher heading for it too. All’s fair in love and war… and parking spots I always say.

Guitar in one hand and comb in the other, I got out and waved to all the honeys drooling at me.

The goofy teacher made some lame remark but I paid it no mind.

Whatever! The chances I’ll get him are like 1 in 200 anyway.

My first class was music. It was 8:10 and as usual, I made a dramatic and fashionably late entrance. Sliding into the room on my knees, I cranked up my guitar and sang.

Still like that old time rock ‘n roll!
That kind of music just soothes the soul!
I reminisce about the DAYS OF OLD…
With that old time ROCK ‘N ROLL!

“Hey hey hey! You?!?”

I’ll be damned! It was the goofy looking teacher from earlier in the parking lot.

“What are you doing here?” he bellowed.

“What is your name?” he demanded.

I turned to face my classmates and saw a handful of beautiful lasses. Suddenly I remembered why I never dropped out, despite being 19 and flunking a grade prior.

“My name is Alan… Alan Y. I’m a good guy. I only drink and smoke occasionally. I make lots of money betting on horse racing and I love taking cute young girls out to dinner, such as you, you AND YOU — on the house!”

“Stop right there! Sit down.”

I took the empty seat next to a precious little thing. Katy, as I’d come to know.

“Hey good looking. I’m here now, so what are your two other wishes?”

"Not there! Sit in the corner!" "Sir, where's my dignity?" "Sit in the corner... or GET THE HELL OUT!" — *“Not there! Sit in the corner!”*
*“Where’s my dignity?”*
*“Sit in the corner… or **GET THE HELL OUT!**“*

I glanced at Katy and gave her a knowing look

“Better do as he says, or the poor son of a bitch will have a heart attack.”

I went over to the corner as requested but the teacher kept coming at me.

“How old are you?”

“How old is that?”

“Makes me 19.”

"Why change schools? Musta been expelled! Why expelled? Musta been bad behaviors!" — *“Why change schools? Must have been expelled!*
*Why expelled? Must have been bad behavior!”*

"Must have been terrible conduct!" — *“Must have been terrible conduct!”*

"Sir, you obviously studied logic in college." — *“Wow, you obviously studied logic in college.”*

"Why don't you tell me. After all, you seem to know it all." — *“Why don’t you tell me. After all, you seem to know it all.”*

"You're too dumb to do anything for yourself, I can see!" — *“You’re too dumb to do anything for yourself, I can see!”*

"Class, LISTEN TO ME!" — ***“Class, LISTEN TO ME!”***

“He’s a prime example of how you DON’T want to be in life… so take a good close look at him and consider yourselves WARNED!”

“You said my IQ is low but can you spend the shortest amount of time to answer me three simple questions?”

"You see, these two questions..." — *“You see, these two questions…”*

"Are you finished?" — *“Are you finished?”*

Note: you should have seen the look on the girls faces! — Note: you should have seen the look on the girls’ faces!

Yeah, it was exactly like that :P — Yeah, it was exactly like that

"When stimulated, the pupil dilates 7 times. Now sir, you refused to answer me..." — *“When stimulated, the pupil dilates 7 times.*
*Now sir, you refused to answer me…”*

Note: Instant crowd pleaser! — Note: Their reaction was priceless!

It made the entire room burst in laughter — It made all my Storytelling classmates burst in laughter

After class Katy came up to me. “That was awesome! A little mean, but I never laughed so hard in my life before!”

“Just another day at the office. He had it coming.”

“I suppose he did!”

“Hey, wanna grab a bite to eat?”

Katy and I hit it off. We became a couple later that week. We were madly in love and we were so happy. Katy and I had been dating for over a year. We decided the time was right to get married. My parents helped us in every way and my friends encouraged me. And Katy? She was a dream come true.

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her older sister, Tammy. My prospective sister-in-law was 22 years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend over whenever I was around. It had to be deliberate. There are worse things in the world that could happen to a guy, of course, but I was never good at fighting temptation and I didn’t want to do Katy like that. Simply put, Tammy was like a box jellyfish. Absolutely mesmerizing, but equally and potentially fatal.

One day Tammy called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. I thought nothing of it and drove over. When I arrived, it turned out that she was alone…

“Uh, where’s Katy?”

“Out.”

“Of course… when will she uh, um, be back?”

“A couple hours.”

“What about uh, your um… parents?”

“They won’t be back til dinner.”

I cracked a nervous smile. Tammy’s tone was too suggestive. Too seductive. The next thing I knew, she walked over to me and whispered in my ear that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. Didn’t want to overcome. She told me she wanted to make love to me just once before I commit the rest of my life to her sister.

I was absolutely stunned and at a loss for words. She continued lustfully, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom now… feel free to join me…”

Frozen like a statue, I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her pink panties and threw them down at me.

“TAKE ME, TARZAN!”

I watched as Tammy disappeared into her room. I couldn’t help but imagine what she was doing in bed. I knew EXACTLY what I had to do. Without wasting another second, I turned around and headed straight for the front door. I made a beeline for my car, but I didn’t make it very far.

My future father-in-law was standing right outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We’re very happy that you’ve passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our Katy. Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story is…

Always keep your condoms in the car.

A thunderous silence fell over the Storytelling class for about two seconds. Then came the “ohhhhs” and riotous laughter when people started registering what happened. Priceless! I sat down and they went on with their feedback. They loved the humor in the story, the rapid fire exchange between Alan and his teacher, and the “moral” of the story was a big winner as well. I aced the class. This third and last story was probably my strongest story of the three I told. I’m glad to have gone out with a bang.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Looking back on my college years, I had my fair share of fond memories. Inevitably, I always think back to the friends and unforgettable experiences. That includes the great Storytelling class I took during the fall of 2003. From the camaraderie and stories my classmates and I shared to the crazy professor we had, it was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken in my life. It was a makeshift campfire every Tuesday and Thursday where we celebrated the human spirit and shared moving stories… emotional ones and entertaining ones alike. We all have interesting stories waiting to be told. A great story lives on and is passed from generation to generation. It stands the test of time. Maybe the next great story the world will hear… will be your very own.

CYLK COZART INTERVIEW

I emailed Mr. Cozart June 2009 in hopes of scoring an interview with him. He reached back and the following Q&A was conducted on July 3, 2009. Enjoy.

PS- Read Fast Times At Bayside High for context if you haven’t yet.

1). Any stories or memories you can share about working on the episode Zack’s War? What was it like working with the cast and crew, specifically Mark-Paul Gosselaar (whom you shared the majority of your onscreen time with)?

Mark was one of the most gracious actors that I’ve worked with. Very kind and funny. Great guy. Everyone loved him.

2). How aware of the show Saved By The Bell were you prior to signing on for this one episode?

I had never seen the show until I got the offer. A lot of my friends had seen it and told me about every one of the characters. I knew all of them when I walked on the stage for the first time.

Any time that I have ran into any of the cast, we always hug and talk about that episode. And laugh for about 10 minutes. LOL!!!

3). When was the last time you saw Zack’s War and what are your thoughts on how that episode came out? Personally speaking, it’s one of my all time favorites for ANY sitcom.

I see that show all the time. So many people of all ages see that particular episode and I have gotten as much attention from Saved By The Bell as a lot of movies that I have made. I have several friends and family members who will never let me forget it. I loved every minute of it!

4). You have been in over 30 movies and 20 television shows, what is your proudest moment as an actor? (i.e. was there a specific film you’re most proud of?)

That would have to be WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP. Ron Shelton (Writer/Director) is and always will be in my life.

Wesley Snipes and I keep in touch on a regular basis. But one of my best friends in LIFE is Woody Harrelson. We have become very close friends since we met on the first day he came in to audition.

I was set to play Sidney Dean. Tom Cruise and Keanu Reeves both came in to audition while I sat and read with them. At the end of all the auditions, Ron asked me who I felt the most comfortable with and I said hands down, Woody.

The next thing I know, 20th Century Fox called Ron and said to put Wesley in the lead because New Jack City, Wesley’s film that just came out at the time, was a hit movie and Wesley was hot! They loved me but gave me a co-starring role.

That was the “worst” day of my acting life I thought. But once Ron took me to dinner and explained how the studio system worked, I felt a little better. Still it hurt so bad.

Ron told me that he and I would make many many more films together. We have already made three: White Men Can’t Jump, Play it to the Bone and Blue Chips.

5). How old were you when you first got into acting and what originally intrigued you about acting?

I used to watch Andy of Mayberry and The Beverly Hillbillies everyday. That made me aware of HOLLYWOOD. But growing up in Tennessee, there was no way to even know how to get there. But I figured it out

Cozart went on to act with the likes of Mel Gibson

6). Which do you prefer: acting in films or acting in plays? (I have done both and I myself much prefer theater; nothing beats that raw LIVE “one take, no net” element).

There is nothing like that direct response from a live audience. Like live theater. Playing basketball in front of thousands of people while in college, was just like doing a play to me… in a way. So I loved the stage from the start.

Film is the most rewarding as far as exposure to so many people is concerned.

7). You were about six years old when Martin Luther King Jr. made his infamous “I Have A Dream” speech. Where were you that day and what were your memories of that time frame in the ’60s when racial tension was running incredibly high?

I’m a product of the ‘Baby Boomers.’ I was right in the middle of the SOUTH, Tennessee. Where the KKK “originated.” It was Hell for my family and friends. I remember most of that time at that young age.

Check this out, within a 6-month time frame, King was killed. 2 months later, Kennedy. After that, students from Kent State had their heads bashed in race riots. Charles Manson Sharon Tate Murders, Vietnam. Most of our parents were either pot smoking hippies or trying to join the Black Panther party. Those were the times that we lived in.

Note: ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD, directed by Quentin Tarantino, is set to be released on July 26, 2019. Starring Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio, critics predict it will be one of the most successful films of the year. In 1969 Los Angeles, a former Western star and his longtime stunt double struggle to find success in a Hollywood that they don’t recognize anymore. Sharon Tate is their next door neighbor, and the infamous Manson Tate murders will be featured in the film. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is sure to be the hit of the summer.

8). Ever look back and wonder what would have happened if you never suffered that foot injury in that one NBA Summer League game? Was that your greatest regret in life? Or do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Every day, I think about “What If”???? Then right after that thought leaves… I think that nothing ever stays the same in life. It can’t and expect to survive. So I don’t hold on or regret anything. I am living my dream. I played pro basketball AND I am working with the most wonderful people in the entertainment world!!!! I have so much to be thankful for when you break it down.

9). As someone who has seen and done a whole lot, what advice in general would you give young people as they march through the trials and tribulations of life?

I would say to them first… “How well do you take the word “NO”? I would tell them, not to worry about what other people think of their work or performance. But work on your craft so you can always be your best critic.

This is an ART. You have natural ability but you must train as a pro athlete trains before the season. They work out so hard before the games, that the actual game is FUN. Same as an actor. Train your mind, body and soul for whatever you want to make a living.

Thank you for the interview!

Respectfully,
Cylk Cozart

In late 2016, actress Nikki Estridge submitted a DNA test because she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t look like her siblings. Sure enough, she discovered that she was 32% African American, and she also found out that her dad is Cylk Cozart.

Nikki called her dad on Father’s Day to break the news. The two quickly met up and began making up for lost father-daughter time. It’s a touching story that’s worth a read! Cylk didn’t know that he had a daughter, or that she was married with kids! So he also realized he was a grandfather. What a crazy story! Congratulations to the Cozarts for their incredible reunion and new life

Fast Times At Bayside High

I’ve loved storytelling ever since I was a little kid. I can pretty much trace it back to growing up with a vibrant and charismatic uncle who always had a story to tell. Many nights back in the glorious late ’80s to early ’90s were spent with my brother either curled up on the couch listening to Uncle Jimmy’s tales of wonder, or camping out in the backyard under the stars on a hot summer night listening to Uncle Jimmy regale us with ghastly tales of the macabre. As I grew older, I came to appreciate the ART of storytelling. In college I took one of the best classes ever: Storytelling. I still remember the course objective to this day: “To be DAMN GOOD at storytelling.” Even to this day, randomly I find myself fondly reminiscing about that class and all the crazy stories it produced. So gather around for a storytelling extravaganza!

Storytelling is one of the oldest and purest forms of entertainment, dating back to ancient times when drawings were etched on cave walls. I feel it’s sort of become a lost art in this day and age in an era proliferated by technology. Between checking emails, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, texting and so forth, our level of actual face to face communication has dwindled and thus, storytelling has taken a back seat over the past number of years. When done right, storytelling is perhaps the purest and greatest form of entertainment at its basic core. All you need is a talented speaker with a vision and an engaged audience looking for some message to click or resonate.

STORYTELLING CLASS: FALL 2003

The scene of the crime. The place the magic happened

In August of 2003, I had just turned 20 and was entering my junior year at University. One of the classes I took that semester was Storytelling as it fell under my Minor of Theatre Arts. The room itself was like none other. Not a single desk in sight. Instead, you had one big ass rectangular table. Right away I knew this was going to be one of those rare special classes that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Chairs rested on the sides for the ‘peanut gallery’ folks. You told your story standing front and center with the professor sitting at the back table jotting down notes and rating your performance. Each class began with a 15 minute vocalization and body warm-up. We had a new leader each day. The leader would drape this thick green curtain (long replaced in this photo which was taken in 2007) to cover the windows. The leader then lights a match. To this day I don’t know why we did our exercises in the dark, but it sure made it memorable.

We met Tuesdays and Thursdays from noon to 1:15. Our professor was an eccentric woman in her 60s. Her taste for fashion was rather remarkable. She never wore the same outfit twice and always had matching shoes to go with whatever handbag or purse she decided to bring with her that day. Outside of class I often saw her randomly smoking somewhere on campus in one of her loud outfits. It was the closest thing to playing Where’s Waldo in real life. She was certainly one of a kind. Like one of those old Hollywood stars that just stepped off the set of a movie filmed in the 1940s.

She called this the Peanut Gallery.. AKA the Stragglers — She called this the Peanut Gallery, AKA the Stragglers

If you came to class tardy, you snuck into one of these side chairs. This was actually where you wanted to be back in the fall of 2003 as the class’ two hottest girls always sat there. For some odd reason, I often found myself a part of the infamous Peanut Gallery. Odd, that.

The class had so many classic characters. We had someone from every walk of life imaginable. From ripe 18 year old freshmen to 45 year old mothers looking to finish up their degrees. Hell, we even had a former NBA player! But more on him later.

Classic Sean... a mishmash of Bill Murray and Seth Rogen — Sean was a mishmash of Bill Murray and Seth Rogen

I’ll never forget Sean. Sean was 25 years old, Caucasian, married and possessed a dry and dark sense of humor. He was also quite the artist. The big guy took a liking to me as we often chatted before class began. He was a hell of a character whose “unique” speeches always made everyone bust a rib laughing. Imagine Bill Murray’s sense of humor and Seth Rogen’s physical features, and that’s pretty much Sean. His speeches had the most awkward pauses; we could never figure out if that was by design or if it was just Sean being Sean. Whatever the reason behind the madness, I’ll never forget his crazy stories. He blurred lines and was a master storyteller. During the first couple weeks of Storytelling, we all had to share an icebreaker in front of the class. I still remember Sean’s icebreaker. Now listen to this and tell me if it ain’t messed up.

When I was 5 years old, I saw the Devil. I was at the local playground… sitting in the sandbox. The Devil… looked at me… and he said… “Son, you more messed up than me.” I said… “COOOOL.”

I loved the format of the class. Each of us told 4 stories that semester (a quick icebreaker and 3 full proper stories). Each day we had 3-5 storytellers. If it wasn’t your day, you just sat back and got to chill. But if it was your day to share, it was first come first serve. You would march up to the white board to write down the title of your story. Do warm-ups. Then showtime! It was the easiest and coolest format of any college course I ever took. Sean’s first story — I’ll just share a small bit of it — was insane. He was doing his spiel and suddenly, WITHOUT warning, he collapsed! SPLAT! Did I mention by the way that he was about 6’1″ and 230 pounds? And I remember most of us being like “WHAT THE HELL…” And most of us kinda got up, you know, in that sort of weird half position where you’re caught between sitting down and standing up… just so we could get a better view to see if he was OK or not on the floor. WITHOUT WARNING HE POPS UP LIKE A SPRING and yells “AND THEEEEEN!!!!” That made many flinch. We were like “DAMN DUDE DON’T DO THAT YA FREAK!!!” Good times. I’m getting ahead of myself though. Let’s go back quickly to DAY ONE…

THURSDAY AUGUST 28, 2003

Today we got in groups of 4 and had 5 minutes to come up with a fairy tale to reenact in front of the class. The catch? It had to be a silent presentation. So we were forced to rely on everything except our voices. The lesson here was learning how to communicate effectively through using hand gestures, facial expressions and body language. My group had a guy my age, a middle-aged father of two and a middle-aged mother of four (Marlene was one of my favorite storytellers… an absolute natural that Marlene). We decided on The 3 Little Pigs. The 3 guys would play the pigs and Marlene the wolf. I played the first pig, and had an idea on how to make the scene work.

I started out by building my lovely straw house. Marlene the wolf came. Blew down my poor house. I panicked and frantically pointed behind her. I made my getaway as she glanced back. I pretended to run smack dab into an imaginary door and flew back, holding my nose and acting it all out in a very slapstick fashion. Lots of laughter from the audience. It felt good to be the first one up and making people laugh. After the wolf blew down the second house we ran off to the brick house. Once safely in, we began taunting the wolf. She tried to blow us (as in the brick house!) down but she couldn’t. I flexed my muscles, every now and then showing my tentativeness by hiding behind my brothers while continually taunting. I had the entire class roaring and eating out of my hands!

The best part of all came at the end of class. I was walking out when one of the cute girls from the class looked back at me in the hallway. She flashed me an ear-to-ear grin. That was the precise moment where I thought to myself, “GOD I love Storytelling.” It was a great feeling. Being up there and controlling the audience’s emotions without even talking was downright EMPOWERING.

Hey, Storytelling has its perks ;) — Hey, Storytelling has its perks

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2003

On the 2 year anniversary of 9/11, it was my day to share my icebreaker. I decided to share a story about believing in yourself, even against all critics and odds.

—

Hi. My name’s Steven, but most call me Steve. Like some of you, this is my junior year. Summer of 2002 I did a really dumb thing. I parked in our school’s parking lot without a valid parking permit. I just had to drop off my registration bill and thought I could sneak in, sneak out. I have no idea why I didn’t park elsewhere or in one of the 20 minute zones. I guess I just wasn’t thinking that morning.

Anyway, I came back to my car and surprise surprise, there was a ticket slapped to my windshield. 31 dollars. I went to get a petition form. My brother snapped at me when he found out. Then he saw the petition form I was holding and told me to not even bother. Said he tried it before and got rejected. And that all his friends suffered the same fate in years past as well. So I would be no different, according to him.

ACCORDING TO HIM. Me on the other hand… I knew I could buck the system if I could just come up with something creative, memorable and never-before-seen…

Thanks Three's Company. Rest In Peace John Ritter — Thanks *Three’s Company*. Rest In Peace John Ritter

One night I was channel surfing and came upon Nick At Nite. And there I found my inspiration…

“Come on and knock on our doooor.
We’ve been waiting for yoooou.
… there’s a thing and a thing and the guy falls off his bike…

Three’s Company too!”

The wheels in my mind began turning. Hmmm. “Come on and knock on my door. I’ve been waiting for you… to lift the fee.” No that doesn’t flow. I need to express my story somehow… my STORY… hey! That’s it! My story…

“Here’s a story…”

Of course. The Brady Bunch! I went to work and the words began flowing out of my pen like it was meant to be. And this is how it went:

Here’s a story… about a man named Steven… that’s me (I quickly added, causing my classmates to chuckle).

Who was caught in the parking lot without a permit.

Now he’s pleading for some justice.

He was only there to pay his registration bill.

It cost him nine hundred and fifty-seven dollars, plus the line was long.

The line was long, the line was long.

And when he came back, he found out he was 5 minutes too late… well actually 12 but 5 sounded a whole lot better (I quickly added, much to the laughter of my peers once again).

He said to himself, “If there’s any good left in this world, they’ll lift the fee.”

And that’s how it came to be!

10 days passed. Finally it was mailed back home with a verdict. It would either be stamped REJECTED or FILE AS A WARNING.

I flipped the petition form over for all my classmates to see.

It was stamped “FILE AS A WARNING.”

They cheered and applauded while I stood there humbly motioning with my hands ALRIGHT ALRIGHT CALM DOWN Y’ALL… I ain’t quite done yet!

This here, in my hands, is proof positive that sometimes if you go with your gut feeling, really put in the work and believe with conviction, it just may pay off. More specifically, it just may pay off 31 dollars.

—

And so, my icebreaker was complete and I received a second ovation less than half a minute after the first one. It was humbling and empowering all at once. But the craziest thing was, later that same day when I got home from class, I read the terrible news that John Ritter passed away that very same day. What were the odds of that?! I loved him in Three’s Company and the Problem Child movies, plus he always reminded me of Uncle Jimmy. Uncle Jimmy was like an Asian version of John Ritter

Before I share the main stories I told that semester, I gotta share this one from my classmate. It was probably the best story I heard that entire semester, and I still remember it 15+ years later. The following story comes courtesy of the guy who, during his icebreaker, shared with us that he once played for the Toronto Raptors (!) during an NBA preseason before being cut.

—

I’m walking to class one day and I spot this hot chick. She had sunglasses on, a mini skirt, and a bomb pink top. She was the kind of girl guys dream about. So I’m like, I gotta get with her, right, but what do I see? A guy holding her hand. Damn! So I walked to class but all I could think about was her.

Next thing I knew, she walked through the door! I was like “HELL YEAH! This was a sign.” But once again, that guy was holding her hand. I looked at him and I was like, “What?! This hot girl is with some average Joe Shmoe like him?” She sat down with her boyfriend. Screw it, I still went up to her. I asked for her name and how’s she doing and all that stuff. Her boyfriend asked me rudely what I wanted.

“I just wanna talk with her. Is that illegal?”

Then he got up and hugged her right in my face. I’m feeling bad at this point, but then he said, “See you later, sis.”

And inside I’m going “OH YEEEEAHHH!”

Later that day I was at the cafeteria when I saw her sitting by herself. Yes, this was my chance. So I came over and we talked. I definitely could see us getting together. I was cracking jokes and she was laughing a lot. But soon I had to get to class. All day I was thinking about her. I mean, I think about girls a LOT, but this girl was driving me nuts!

Once I finished class I was walking to my car when I saw her standing around, and she was crying. I rushed over and asked her what’s going on. She told me her brother got in a fight with her and left her, so she had no ride home.

“What?! Your bro’s a real asshole. You don’t know how to use public transportation or something? Hey, don’t worry. I can give you a ride home.”

She didn’t hesitate at all and gave me a nod. Wow, I couldn’t believe how this situation was unfolding. She gave me her address and luckily I was familiar with the area. As we began walking, suddenly she grabbed my hand. I was like HELL YEAH! So we were walking down the street and I was nodding my head like “Yeah this my girl” to everyone walking by who was checking her out.

After driving her home, I asked if she’d like me to walk her to her door. She said yes. I opened the passenger door for her and again she held my hand in hers. We walked over to her front door and I could see she was still distraught over the fight with her brother. She fidgeted with the keys as she opened the front door. She got in, said bye quickly and closed the door in my face without giving me a chance to say anything.

I was like… WHAT THE FUCK?!?

So I pound on the door.

“Who is it?”

Who is it? What kind of messed up mind games is this chick playing?!?

“It’s me. Who else?”

She opened the door. “What do you want?”

“You’re welcome. Hey listen, if you want I can straighten out your brother for you. Well alright then, I’ll see you Thursday.”

“… I need to see you Thursday too,” she said quietly.

Then she closed the door and I stood there thinking, DAMN! Girls. Can’t live with ‘em… sure as hell can’t live without ‘em.

So Thursday came and after class we walked to the cafeteria. She asked me if she could hold my hand. At this point I was just so confused by her split personality, so I decided to let her know what was on my mind.

“What are we gonna do? Play patty cake? Why you acting all weird on me huh? I need to know right now. Why all the games? One minute you’re holding my hand, the next minute you’re slamming doors in my face! What is it, huh?! Is it because I’m black?”

“No.”

“Is it because I’m 6’6″? You don’t like tall guys?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what?”

“I only see your personality.”

“Say what? My personality? You mean, you think I’m all jokes? You wanna see the deeper me or something? Wassup?”

“I don’t see you as a tall black guy. I only see your personality.”

At this point I was thinking this chick has me all mixed up! Then she held my hand, took off her sunglasses and told me, “I can’t see. I’m blind.”

—

The room fell in thunderous silence as he stood there, staring at us for a second letting everything sink in. Then he slowly sat down as the room erupted in applause and cheers. Maybe the NBA didn’t work out for him, but he’s definitely got a future in any field that requires dynamic public speaking!

THURSDAY OCTOBER 2, 2003

I remember standing right there, glancing at my 20+ classmates for a second before I began. I was a bit nervous, but once I got going I channeled that nervous energy into positive energy. Sharing about one of the greatest nights of my life in front of friends and colleagues turned out to be one of my greatest collegiate memories. And since the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was only 2 weeks away, I used part of that title as a tribute.

I had a blast recounting my epic Halloween 1994 adventure in front of my peers. At that time it was only 9 years removed. Crazy to think this upcoming Halloween will be the 25th anniversary!

After finishing your story, you took a seat right there for feedback time. This is where the professor as well as your classmates chime in. They gave me a nice ovation as I sat down. One girl said she loved how I made sound effects and how I painted pictures for her with my word choice, such as “green and red lights flashing wildly into the night.” Another classmate said I had great projection and energy. Professor told me, “Steven you possess great stage presence; you’re a natural storyteller with an irresistible style.” Wow. Talk about pumping a guy up!

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 6, 2003

In the weeks leading up to my second story, I was watching Saved By The Bell episodes on the season one DVD set my brother bought when it first came out in September of 2003. We both watched the show religiously when we were kids in the late ’80s to mid ’90s. Hell, growing up I even looked up to Zack Morris. I thought he was just the coolest dude around. In the words of Mean Gene Okerlund, “I mean HE HAD IT ALL.” A hot girlfriend in Kelly Kapowski, great friends and Zack was the toast of Bayside High. While high school for me in real life never quite played out like how Bayside High was depicted, for one day at least I had a chance to be Zack Morris.

ZACK’S WAR

Before I officially start my story, I’d like you all to know in advance that you may be familiar with the characters to come. Also, I will be switching voices on the fly. Having said that, let us begin…

The year was 1990. I remember that year fondly. It was my senior year at Bayside High and the best year of my life. A lot of things happened in 1990 that I’ll never forget. Sure I got in trouble a lot, but I usually charmed my way out of it. Many called me a slacker as well as a class clown. Now truth be told, there’s a reason for those labels. However, one day… that all changed…

Note to reader: Remember that “Corps” is pronounced “core.”

"Alright everyone, listen up, because I have GREAT news" — *“Alright everyone, listen up because I have GREAT news.”*

"Madonna's the new school nurse?" — *“Madonna’s the new school nurse?”*

“No. Bayside has been chosen to host the pilot program for the California Cadet Corps. Now I’d like to introduce you… Lieutenant Chet Adams.”

“In the Cadet Corps we initiate students into the Army way of life. Naturally, there’s discipline and hard work involved.”

"Every school has one, he's ours" — *“Every school has one… he’s ours.”*

“As I was saying… there’s also career training and a chance for college scholarships. I hope you sign up and see what you can be in today’s Army. Hope I’ll be seeing some of you soon.”

"Thank you Lieutenant. Have a good day. So, any volunteers?" — *“Thank you Lieutenant. Have a good day.*
*So, any volunteers?”*

"Count me in, Mr. Belding" — *“Count me in, Mr. Belding.”*

"Count me... OUT, Mr. Belding" — *“Count me… **OUT**, Mr. Belding.”*

"Oh you're out all right. MY OFFICE, FIVE MINUTES" — *“Oh you’re out all right. **MY OFFICE. FIVE MINUTES**.”*

"This is it, Morris" — *“This is it, Morris.”*

"The end. EL FINITO. I am fed up with your wisecracks" — *“The end. **EL FINITO**. I am fed up with your wisecracks.”*

“I’m giving you a month’s worth of Saturday detention.”

“FOUR Saturdays?”

“Nah uh. THIRTY Saturdays.”

“Thirty Saturdays?! Sir, can we negotiate? Hey I’ll wash your car!”

“The last time you washed my car you flooded the inside.”

“Carpool, sir.”

“Hold on…”

“Hmmm, maybe there IS something you can do. I wanna see this Cadet Corps succeed here SO… you sign up, no detention.”

“You mean all I hafta do is join that Mickey Mouse Army?”

“That’s right. Oh, that and one other little request. We need a full class for the program so it’s your job to get ‘em.”

"Alright, you got a deal Mr. Belding" — *“Alright, you got a deal Mr. Belding.”*

"Either he's getting real old, or I'm getting really good" — *“Either he’s getting **real** old, or I’m getting really good!”*

The next day Zack went to the Max, the local Bayside High hangout, to recruit and assemble a full class. Employing his natural charisma and used car salesman tactics, Zack recruited enough students save for one. He needed one last sucker… and that’s when his best friend entered the Max.

“Hey Screech! You wanna know how to get Molly? By being a REAL MAN.”

“ME?!”

“That’s right. Wait til Molly sees you… in a uniform.”

“Count me in, Zack! I’ll be ALL that I can be!”

The next week Zack and his friends waited for the first official Cadet Corps class to begin. As they waited for Lieutenant Chet Adams to arrive, they began discussing among themselves what the experience might be like.

“I hope I can handle this and have a chance at that college scholarship.”

“Ah stop worrying, Kelly. Would I be in this class if it weren’t a snap?”

And that’s when the Lieutenant walked in…

“Weeeell, it’s nice to see such a good turn out. Now I want you guys to relax, enjoy yourselves, and I’m sure we’re going to have a good time.”

"See, what did I tell you? Piece of cake!" — *“See, what did I tell you? Piece of cake!”*

*Turns around, back facing audience*

*Bell rings*

*Turns to face audience*

"TEN-HUT! Maybe I wasn't clear... ON YOUR FEET!! The Cadet Core is now in session. There will BE!" — “**TEN-HUT!** Maybe I wasn’t clear… **ON YOUR FEET!!**
*The Cadet Corps is now in session. There will **BE!**“*

"No talking. No SMILING. AND NO BLINKING!!" — *“No talking. No SMILING. AND NO BLINKING!!“*

"Hey lighten up Lieutenant. There's no war. Haven't you heard, peace broke out all over the world" — *“Hey lighten up Lieutenant. There’s no war.*
*Haven’t you heard, peace broke out all over the world.”*

"I remember you. Big mouth. DOWN AND GIMME 20" — *“I remember you. Big mouth. DOWN AND GIMME 20.”*

"How 'bout two fives and a ten?" — *“How ’bout two fives and a ten?”*

"How about FIFTY?" "C'mon Lieutenant, where's the fun and games?" — *“How about **FIFTY**?”*
*“C’mon Lieutenant, where’s the fun and games?”*

“Oh it’s gonna be plenty of fun… FOR ME. MAKE THAT ONE HUNDRED.”

“But sir, I can’t do that many push ups.”

“Oh that’s OK. I have all day to watch you try.”

The next day Zack showed up to class but something was missing…

"Why aren't you in uniform, Cadet Morris?" — *“Why aren’t you in uniform, Cadet Morris?”*

"Well let's face it sir, I'm just not Core material. I think it's best for both of us if I resign" — *“Well let’s face it, sir. I’m just not Corps material.*
*I think it’s best for both of us if I resign.”*

"Oh that's too bad, because I had big plans for you" — *“Oh that’s too bad, because I had big plans for you.”*

“Well, I’m afraid my ARMS can’t take any more of your BIG plans, sir.”

"You're a born leader; I'd hate to lose you. How 'bout I make you a deal?" — *“You’re a born leader. I’d hate to lose you.*
*How ’bout I make you a deal?”*

"Oh yeah, what kind of deal?" "We're gonna have an athletic competition soon." "Well that's great sir, but where's the deal?" — *“Oh yeah, what kind of deal?”*
*“We’re gonna have an athletic competition soon.”*
*“Well that’s great sir, but where’s the deal?”*

"If your team wins, I'll let you out of the Core. And even better, you can pick the teams. Do we have a deal?" "Ha... pick the teams? YES SIR." — *“If your team wins, I’ll let you out of the Corps.*
*And even better, **YOU** can pick the teams.*
*Do we have a deal?”*
*“Ha… pick the teams? **YES SIR**.”*

"Who does this guy think he's dealing with?" — *“Who does this guy think he’s dealing with?”*

The Lieutenant made the big announcement later that day in class.

“The highlight of every Cadet Corps program is an athletic competition. It helps develop physical skills, teamwork, and it’s the Army’s way of separating the men from the boys.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, the persons from the persons. Better now, Ms. Spano?”

“Thank you.”

“Now, there will be a red team and a blue team. I’ve already picked the leaders for the two teams: AC Slater and Zack Morris. I’ve given Cadet Morris the responsibility of choosing the teams.”

“Alright, we’ll start first with the red team. When I call your name, step forward. Alan, Screech, hmmm, Lisa, Louise. OK, you guys are with Slater.”

“What?!”

“Jessie, Kelly, Butch and Rocco, you guys are with me on the blue team… LET THE GAMES BEGIN!“

"Wait a second, that's not fair. He's got all the jocks!" — *“Wait a second, that’s not fair. He’s got all the jocks!”*

"Are these teams evenly matched, Cadet Morris?" — *“Are these teams evenly matched, Cadet Morris?”*

"They certainly are, sir. If anything, Slater has the advantage..." — *“They certainly are, sir.*
*If anything, Slater has the advantage…”*

“Yeah for WHAT — THE NERD BOWL?!“

"Are you sure this is fair?" "Sir, you have my word." — *“Are you sure this is fair?”*
*“Sir, you have my word.”*

" Zack, you'll lead the red team. Slater the blue team" — *“Zack, you’ll lead the red team. Slater, the blue team.”*

"But sir! You said I could pick the teams!" — *“But sir! You said I could pick the teams!”*

"I know. And you did a fine job. But I pick the leaders. That's MY job." — *“I know. And you did a fine job.*
*But I pick the leaders. That’s MY job.”*

"Pretty good at this job huh, Zack?" "Shut up Screech." — *“Pretty good at this job huh, Zack?”*
*“Shut up Screech.”*

Later that day Zack and Slater began practicing with their own teams. Zack, the red team. Slater, the blue team. The blue team was a well-oiled machine. The red team on the other hand…

“Left… left, left, right, left… company HALT. Alan, I said halt!”

“I thought you said MALT! And I’m thirsty from all this moving about.”

“Alright team, get it together. Come on. About-FACE!”

"Alan, I'm not a cake so PLEASE get outta my face! Man you guys are hopeless. Turn around!" — *“Alan, I’m not a cake so **PLEASE** get out of my face!*
*Man, **you guys are hopeless**. Turn around!”*

Maybe Zack’s red team could salvage the obstacle course. Then again…

“OK guys, let’s do something right this time alright. Let’s go guys!”

“Red team ready, GO.”

Zack flew through the tires. His teammates however fell flat on their faces.

“Great, JUST great. I am NEVER gonna win with a bunch of losers like you. You guys are the worst clumsiest bunch of goofs I’ve ever seen! I QUIT!“

Zack tore off his red armband and stormed off. After school that day his best friend Screech dropped by.

"Zack you gotta come back. We don't stand a chance without you." "Forget it Screech. I don't wanna waste my time" — *“Zack you gotta come back.*
*We don’t stand a chance without you!”*
*“Forget it, Screech. I don’t wanna waste my time.”*

“Oh but we’re getting better. Alan even got his uniform off without ripping it.”

“Big deal.”

“I don’t get it, Zack. You’re the one who talked us into joining the Corps. And now you’re quitting it all just because you’re not on the best team?”

“Yeah that’s about it. Because the Corps is stupid.”

“But you said the Corps would make me the kind of man Molly would want.”

"SO I LIED. Sue me." — *“**SO I LIED**. Sue me.”*

“You know Zack… ever since we were little… I looked up to you. You had everything. And I always wanted to be like you. Now I’m glad I’m not.”

Screech left the room and left Zack to ruminate. The next day…

*clears throat* "What are you doing here, Morris?" "Rejoining my team with your permission, sir." — *clears throat*
*“What are you doing here, Morris?”*
*“Rejoining my team with your permission, sir.”*

"That's impossible, Morris. You're a quitter. The Core doesn't want quitters." — *“That’s impossible, Morris. You’re a quitter.*
*The Corps doesn’t want quitters.”*

“I want another chance. Please let me back in, sir.”

“That’s not for me to decide. Maybe they don’t want you back.”

“Alright, I let all you guys down and I called you losers. You know what, I was wrong. The only real loser on this team… was me.”

"Screech, I'm sorry. Guys, please take me back." — *“Screech, I’m sorry. Guys, please take me back.”*

“We’ll have to talk this over…”

“Look guys, I think we need him DESPERATELY.”

“Welcome back, buddy.”

Not only was Zack back, but so too the athletic competition. Tied two wins a piece, the big Tug-O-War finale would determine the winner. Alas…

“Since the rope broke, this is the tie breaking event… the super obstacle course. Each team will choose one man… I mean, ONE PERSON… to compete.”

“Very good, Lieutenant.”

“I’m trying, Ms. Spano.”

"Now Butch, this is YOUR event." "Yeah!" "Bring it home baby!" "GRRRRRRRR!!" — *“Now Butch, this is **YOUR** event. Bring it home, baby!”*
*“**GRRRRRRRR!!**“*

"Well Morris here's your chance. Your team wins and you're out of the Core. A free man" — *“Well Morris… **here’s your chance**. Your team wins…*
*And you’re out of the Corps. A free man.”*

"Zack, Butch is running again. You're the only one who can beat him!" — *“Zack, Butch is running again.*
*You’re the only one who can beat him!”*

“NOPE. There’s someone else here who can beat him...”

“WHO?!?”

“ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!? You saw what happened last time!”

“Yeah, I can’t beat Butch. We’ll lose!“

"NOT IF YOU WIN. Come on Screech. It's time you started believing in yourself." — *“**NOT IF YOU WIN**. Come on Screech.*
**It’s time you started believing in yourself**.”

“Runners, take your position.”

“Alright Screech you can do it!”

“Ready… GO!”

Both Butch and Screech shot off like two cannons being fired into the dark cold night. In the end, it was Screech who crossed the finish line first. No one could believe it. No one except Zack Morris. Molly came over to greet Screech with a kiss in the winner’s circle, and everyone filed out of the hallway except for Zack and the Lieutenant.

"Nice work, Morris. Personally, I didn't think you stood a chance." — *“Nice work, Morris.*
*Personally, I didn’t think you stood a chance.”*

"Well thank you, sir. You didn't give me much of a choice." — *“Well thank you, sir.*
*You didn’t give me much of a choice.”*

"Ahhh you got what you wanted Morris. I guess this is good-bye." — *“Ah, you got what you wanted Morris.*
*I guess this is good-bye.”*

"Why sir? Are you quitting?" — *“Why sir? Are you quitting?”*

"Well, not me either. Someone told me... the Core doesn't like a quitter." — *“Well, not me either. Someone once told me…*
**THE CORPS DOESN’T LIKE A QUITTER**.”

*SALUTE* (I held the pose as the class cheered) — ***SALUTE***

As I stood there saluting the class as if I were looking into the eyes of the Lieutenant himself, the class gave me a roaring ovation that sent chilling goosebumps up and down my spine. I sat down and right away one girl said, “That was so unexpected and awesome. I loved that show when I was a kid and I felt like those characters were right in front of me!” I saw many of my classmates nodding and smiling in agreement, and I can’t tell you how great that felt. The professor had this to add. “Steven, that was an INCREDIBLE one man show you just put on for us. Thank you, I enjoyed it very much.”

Remember Sean? Bill Murray meets Seth Rogen? The next week he told me, “You know Steve, I’ve never cared to watch Saved By The Bell before. But the other day it came on TBS and I just had to watch it because of your story. I couldn’t believe how accurately you replicated the characters, especially Zack. It was your voice, facial expressions and mannerisms… I thought I was watching YOU on the show!”

CLOSING THOUGHTS

So what was my third and last story of the semester? I’d love to share that here but this is already at 5,000+ words! I’ll save my third and final story for next time. See you soon at the Bayside High reunion!

In addition, check out the link above for an exclusive interview I conducted with Cylk Cozart back in the summer of 2009. He had some interesting stories to share… from what life in the ’60s was like to his one episode cameo in Saved By The Bell to White Men Can’t Jump and much more.

The Ignition Factor (SNES)

***Pub & Dev: Jaleco | January 1995 | 8 MEGS***

Many action games call the Super Nintendo home. But only one (that I can think of off the top of my head) contains no actual enemies. The Ignition Factor puts you into the shoes of a firefighter, fending off flames and rescuing helpless citizens. Your only enemy is fire (and breakaway pits). It’s also a bit of a thinking man’s game, with enough strategic elements to keep players constantly on their toes as they roam about the burning buildings, museums, mines and more.

SIMILAR BUT NOT THE SAME

It's known as Fire Fighting in Japan — It’s known as *Fire Fighting* in Japan

Not to be confused with Human's Firemen — Not to be confused with Human’s *Firemen*

The Firemen is considered to be something of a semi-cult hit in retro gaming circles. It used to be a lot more obscure but has since pick up a lot of steam in the past decade or so thanks to word of mouth. For the record, I consider Firemen to be the best fire fighting game on the SNES, but Ignition Factor is definitely the second best. Yes, I know there are really only two fire fighting games on the SNES but in all seriousness, Ignition Factor is definitely a decent little game.

It's no Firemen but it's an adequate alternative — *Ignition Factor* is no *Firemen* but it’s an OK alternative

13 YEARS AGO…

As readers of RVGFanatic may recall, I went through a Super Nintendo resurgence when I bought the system on January 17, 2006. On that same day I bought four games: Power Moves, Prehistorik Man, Ignition Factor and Fatal Fury Special. The Ignition Factor was my 3rd overall SNES game purchase, and earlier this month I finally got around to playing it. It only took me 13 years but it was nice to finally play it after all these years, especially on the 13 year anniversary itself.

THE STORY GOES…

HELPFUL TIPS

HELPFUL ITEMS

Sometimes ya just gotta spray 'em REAL good — Sometimes ya just gotta spray ‘em **REAL** good

WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE

Ignition Factor starts off hot with this blazing title screen. Sorry…

Bradshaw Steel Mill or Pygamalion Plaza — the choice is yours to make. It’s nice that Jaleco gave us some options, similar to the Mega Man games. After selecting your stage, place your firetruck at any one of four starting points. Naturally, this alters where you open up a given level. BTW, love that stylish 1994 computer

Examine items beforehand and pick the ones you want. You can only equip up to two active items at a time.

Barrels shoot upward and explode as you race across this platform. A sense of urgency is established right from the start.

Jumping in a top-down action game? Yes please! I’m always a sucker for that. Speaking of being a sucker, watch out for falling platforms over a scorching pit!

Remember, you can’t save the people if there’s no you. Don’t rush in or else…

Somebody wasn’t listening.

Similar to the barrels from DOOM, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Likewise, I would advise against bludgeoning your fellow comrades by way of axe. You’ll need them, especially for those all too important resupplies.

Certain items lay hidden on the floor. This was a bit annoying since there’s no indicator that an item is there ripe for the picking. A small visual marker, even if it was a flickering light, would have been appreciated.

ProTip: Blue flames can only be taken out with the electrical extinguisher. For your courageous efforts, the city immortalizes your bravery and tenacity.

Jaleco, I see you. Trying to be slick over there, aren’t cha?

Pygamalion Plaza is essentially Mannequins R Us…

Damn… now I know how Michael Myers must have felt at the end of Halloween (2018). Um, are you POSITIVE that’s a mannequin? Looks more like a man who needs saving to me.

BITCH you cray cray. Ann woulda left your ass ages ago!

Please, allow me to knock some sense into ya…

Locked doors can be opened via brute force using the axe. As for Nancy, weeeeell… *nervous chuckle*

Avatars add a nice little touch to the game. There are a few puzzles scattered throughout the game, such as seen here. Hmm, how to save Old Man Jenkins there…

McGlone Mine is next. That DANGER!! sign is rather… apropos.

There’s a really cool swirly visual effect in the mine that ups the sense of urgency and angst. Watch out for weak patches of ground that break.

Beware of poisonous gas clouds that randomly pop up. Lean up against the wall if that helps ya! Also keep an eye on your oxygen supply. Better find one of your fire fighting friends fast for a fill-up.

Jurassic Park probably inspired the Dino Park. Sure there may be some gnarly exhibits here, but time is of the utmost essence! No time to stop and meander around.

Random small details are the best. Take, f’rinstance, this guy here flapping his jacket away in hopes of subduing the fire. Gotta give him props for trying. After Dino Park it’s off to Whitney Appliances, where the only dancing you’ll be doing is not with your old flame but a whole lotta flames!

Natural selection on full display here, folks. Instead of waiting to be saved, that fool’s crazy ass decides to walk straight into the fire. But it’s weird shit like this that kind of makes the game oddly endearing.

Gemini Towers is home to the game’s weirdest WTF moment. You’ll find a random dude near the telescope. Talk to him and he’ll urge you to look through it. No big deal, right? WRONG.

WHOA what the hell?! Out of nowhere the dude wallops you with a haymaker! It is so random and bizarre that I actually laughed out loud the first time I saw it. I love it when game developers include random weird stuff into their games.

Remorseful, he at least goes over to apologize after giving you a concussion. That’s nice of him. If you refuse to look through the telescope, he confesses that he started the fire. Hey Billy Joel, guess you were wrong after all. There’s our culprit!

We didn’t start the fire.
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning.
We didn’t start the fire.
No we didn’t light it.
But we tried to fight it.

Ignition Factor even breaks the 4th wall at one point! Video Games Magazine? Psh. That was an alright magazine, but gimme EGM or GameFan any day!

Gemini Towers has some cool bits where the screen becomes much smaller once you enter certain rooms. I’ve always enjoyed when games do this. EarthBound is a prime example of that technique.

COMING THROUGH! After saving the good folks trapped at Gemini Towers, it’s off to the Shylock Center.

Holding the shoulder button allows you to strafe. It also doubles as a lifesaving tactic where it allows you to see flames in other rooms even before entering.

Sometimes you just want to hide in your cubicle. But then you work up the courage to socialize a bit with your coworkers. And that’s when you find Frank and Ann getting it on down the hallway.

Appalled, you spray ‘em in a futile attempt to stop. When that doesn’t work, you decide to bust out the almighty axe. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. HR is gonna have fun with this one!

UHHHH, me too. How the hell are you still alive?!

There’s a cool Mega Man 2-like effect to this game where you can jump from room to room and the screen switches like such. It’s oddly satisfying.

Another mine stage, we’ve come to the Paris Mine.

WATCH YO STEP!

Plastic explosives will break thin walls.

There’s a password system thankfully. Although the game isn’t long, the levels can be tough to beat so it’s nice not having to repeat them. However, similar to B.O.B., you don’t get a password for every cleared stage. Instead, you get one every few levels. Still better than nothing, though. But the really cool thing is the secret pass code that unlocks the DM Headquarters. You might remember this level from Jaleco’s Peace Keepers. What a nice nod!

Before you get TOO excited [we wouldn’t want you to soil your undies -Ed.], this is the hardest stage by far. This is due to there being no comrades hanging around to restock your inventory. Once you’re out, you’re out. And that means a long road ahead. It’s a neat bonus but I definitely wish they made it a little easier.

Awesome Easter eggs abound when you come to a skirmish between Flynn and Lago from Peace Keepers! Jaleco with the unexpected fan service. I love when games cross over from the same development firm.

“YEAH KICK HIS ASS, FLYNN!” Another cool bit comes when one of the mutant enemies from Peace Keepers shows up. You just knew those broken glass containers was a bad sign…

Thinking you were safe behind the locked door, the creature gives you something to remember it by!

Popping up magically out of the floor, no place is safe. They’ll electrocute your ass if you’re not careful.

Unfortunately, your water spray has zero effect on them.

Typically, an axe should suffice. But it doesn’t harm them in the least! Why, Jaleco, why? That makes no sense especially since you can easily beat them up with your bare hands in Peace Keepers. Although a neat bonus for sure, I can’t help but feel this was a bit of a wasted opportunity.

Ignition Factor can be a fun but frustrating experience. It’s definitely geared toward more “hardcore” players as the brutal time limit leaves little room for exploring and certainly less room for error. Sure you can run but once you start carrying a certain amount of items, you can’t. Even if you can run, it’s dangerous since flames are all over the place. It’s one of those games that require repeated play and precision. Not the kind of relaxing game you’ll throw in when you just want something quick and easy. I wish there was an option to increase the time limit. Different difficulty levels would have made this game far more accessible.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

The Ignition Factor won EGM’s Game of the Month award in issue #68 (March 1995). It garnered scores of 7, 8, 9 and 9. Despite that, it remains kind of obscure even in today’s retro gaming circles. When people talk about SNES fire fighting games, you usually hear about Firemen rather than Ignition Factor. It also came out during a bit of a funky time — the SNES began to lose some star power in early 1995 as the focus was shifting ever so slightly to the 32-bit war machines. The game was also never advertised to the moon so it’s no surprise it’s kind of been forgotten over the decades. When people do talk about it, it seems to elicit mixed reactions. Some consider it a hidden gem while others think of it as merely being decent. Others don’t like it at all and will tell you to stick to HUMAN’s Firemen. Personally, I think there’s definitely room for both titles in one’s collection.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

13 years ago I got back into the SNES and on that same night, there was a seller on eBay auctioning off Ignition Factor. I had just bought Power Moves and Prehistorik Man from this seller, and I was ready to break the chain of “PM” games. I faintly remembered seeing Ignition Factor in rental stores back in the mid ’90s but it never quite resonated with me. I had less than a minute to decide as the auction was rapidly coming to a close so I quickly looked up pictures and it looked interesting enough, especially since the idea of fire fighting in video games has always intrigued me a bit. It arrived in the mail back in January 2006 and I remember thinking “I’ll get around to playing it soon enough.” Fast forward 13 years to January 2019 and well, it took me exactly that long to play it. But hey, mission accomplished

It’s got a unique concept and the visuals are different from most other SNES games. They have sort of a European feel to them. Unfortunately, some stages look a bit bland and uninspired. There isn’t much music here; Jaleco opted for a more ambient soundtrack where the focus is on the backdrafts. Occasionally, a quick frenetic jingle plays with a voiceover that makes for a pretty cool effect, but it’s nothing special overall. I enjoyed the more strategic approach to the gameplay as you would have to switch from certain extinguishers to eliminate different flames. There are also a slew of items you can toggle between to aid you in your quest. The problem is it could easily have been handled better. To toggle items, you have to go to the menu and then make the appropriate switches. Dedicating a button to switch items would have made for a more seamless and enjoyable experience. That one change would have made a world’s difference.

And as stated earlier, the timer is a bug up your ass. It would be fine if there were an option to adjust difficulty levels and thus time limits, but sadly there isn’t. Ignition Factor isn’t unbeatable, but it should have been made a little more accessible. There’s a bit to like here such as the strategic elements, the choice of levels and odd random quirky moments spread throughout, but there’s a noticeable lack of polish. Still, there’s a decent game lying underneath the rubble if you’re dedicated and patient enough to tackle it head on.

Graphics: 6
Sound: 6.5
Gameplay: 6
Longevity: 5

Overall: 6.0

GeGeGe no Kitarō (SFC)

Another in a long line of Japanese anime/manga turned Super Famicom video game adaptation, GeGeGe no Kitarō is one of the strangest SNES games you could ever encounter. It’s a side-scrolling shoot ‘em up platformer. Originally known as Kitarō of the Graveyard, the manga series made its debut in 1960, with an anime series following in 1968. The focus is on the last survivor of the Ghost Tribe, Kitarō, as he faces off with various ghouls and goblins of Japanese mythology. Created by Shigeru Mizuki, GeGeGe no Kitarō has a long and storied history spanning five decades, over 400 anime episodes and even two live action movie adaptations.

Kitarō's reincarnated father. Yep, you read right — Kitarō’s reincarnated father. Yep, you read right

Meet Medama-oyaji, translated literally as Eyeball Father. ‘Nuff said.

Oh those Japanese... some zany ones I tells ya — Oh those Japanese… some zany ones I tells ya

THE STORY GOES…

Hey, don't slander Shigeru Mizuki's good name! — Hey, don’t slander Shigeru Mizuki’s good name!

On second thought... I kid I kid! — On second thought… I kid!

Kitarō has the ability to fire bullets from his hair. Of course, to make it even more bizarre, who does the firing but none other than his Eyeball Father! Unfortunately, bullets don’t travel the full length of the screen. Be prepared to meet many unusual abominations along your journey.

Kitarō has a shield to block projectiles with as well as three special weapons he can call upon. However, these special skills can only be used once you’ve killed a ghost creature and captured its soul. The more souls swiped, the more special moves you rack up.

One special move is a cane like whip that is short and rather useless. Another is a sandal-based attack that goes across the bottom of the screen and back. The third is the BFG of the game. Multiple electric blasts are emitted from Kitarō’s body. It’s best saved for the bosses thanks to the high damage it inflicts.

There are 19 levels, which may sound like a lot until you factor in just how insanely short each stage is. Deal with a few regular bad guys (some can be rather tough) and then it’s off to tackle the guardian boss. Some levels have as little as two (!) enemies before the boss fight. What the hell! I’ve never played a game as odd as this; the construction of the levels is a little baffling to say the least.

Some bosses include a witch with the power to change you into small random objects, a vampire in the form of a giant bat accompanied by a legion of bats and what’s a horror themed video game without Frankenstein represented in some form or fashion?

Also boss is a gigantic dragon who has 10 heads, but you face only one at a time. The dragon dwells in a dark cave set against a waterfall which makes for a lovely visual.

Don’t let the game’s Saturday morning cartoon look fool ya — even though there’s no blood anywhere to be found, GeGeGe no Kitarō has some unexpectedly vicious moments. One boss splits in half after being slain. Another one uses her razor-sharp claws to impale an innocent bystander through the heart! That definitely took me by surprise.

It’s a shame then how unfair the game can be at times. Certain levels have these tiny ass platforms… and if that weren’t annoying enough, spirits hound your ass like white on rice. As you can imagine, thanks to the ridiculously small ledges, you’ll likely fall to your death if touched. Also, you’ll make leaps of faith where you can’t even see the platform on the right until you jump. Only then does the screen scroll forward. In a game already as difficult as this one is, that’s just plain wrong.

On the upside, the monsters are gruesome and highly memorable. The boss from the first level for instance is something you might see in Hayao Miyazaki’s work (Spirited Away). The graphics are excellent and invoke the feeling of watching Saturday morning cartoons. And the music has a nice oriental flare and gets rather creepy from time to time.

Another positive aspect is that it has a pretty cool 2-player mode. The second player controls a character who has a fireball similar to Sagat’s that travels the full length of the screen. With Kitarō blocking and the second player spamming fireballs, the game takes on new life. There are pictures and some Japanese text to advance the story after each level is beaten.

“Chip? Monterey? Gadget? Zipper?!”

“Hey bud! Wrong tree house, wrong show!”

This very first villain requires several hits to kill and zips around like a mad flea.

Then this lady appears from behind the tree. Don’t get seduced…

Hey he looks pretty friendly. Let’s chat him up. What could go wrong?

“Hey buddy! Yeah, you over there. You want a breath mint? I got grape — “

"I GOT ORANGE, TOO!!" — ***“I GOT ORANGE, TOO!!”***

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

Not surprisingly, GameFan gave this game some high marks while Super Play wasn’t as generous. GameFan gave it scores of 78, 79, 88 and 93%. Super Play rated it 61%.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

I lean more toward Super Play than GameFan when it comes to this game. I wanted to like GeGeGe no Kitarō a lot — it’s quirky, macabre and downright deliciously devilish. Perfect to play during the Halloween season. But the difficulty and the unnecessary cheapness of the game really hurts it. It’s much more tolerable and enjoyable, however, when playing with a buddy. You’re not missing much if you skip this one, but it’s a decent add to your horror gaming collection if you so desire.

Shōnen Ashibe (SFC)

***Pub: Takara | Dev: Nova Games | 12.22.92***

Shōnen Ashibe is yet another Japanese comic turned TV series turned Super Famicom exclusive. Masterminded by Morishita Yumi, the comic was published in Weekly Young Jump from 1988 to 1994. It became a TV series in 1991 and the Super Famicom game was released just days before Christmas of 1992. The story centers around Ashibe, a 1st grade boy, and his wacky pet harbor seal, Goma-chan. Yup, that’s about as Japanese as Japanese gets. And only the Japanese, eh? Nonetheless, Shōnen Ashibe is unabashedly adorable and full of sunshine and rainbows.

Some people own dogs or cats. Not this fool

Life is never boring with a pet seal hanging around

That SEALS it, I'm getting a pet seal [... -Ed.] — That *SEALS* it, I’m getting a pet seal *[You’re fired -Ed.]*

Shōnen Ashibe is a cute platformer where you guide Goma-chan through many levels featuring classic themes such as forest, cave, haunted house, etc. In a manner befitting of the source material, Goma-chan can’t hurt enemies. Jumping over them is his only defense. Enemies range from humans (little brat boys and girls) to animals (bats, polar and teddy bears to name a few).

Your goal is to locate 8 items in each level. The item is connected to the level theme (i.e. stars for ice world, squids for water, etc.)

Once 8 are collected, head for the exit. If hit, one apple (or whatever it may be) squirts away, waiting to be reclaimed (not unlike Sonic the Hedgehog). The seal also whimpers “Eeeek!” The only way to lose is by being squeezed into submission by one of the bratty kids or if the timer reaches 0. The animals can’t kill you even if you have 0 items when they touch you. This was aimed at small children, obviously.

Some items are hidden while others are out in the wide open. You can smash walls with your head to potentially reveal hidden items. There are only two buttons: one makes Goma-chan jump and the other makes him perform a head butt. The gameplay is very basic — it was geared toward younger children — but it’s done in a respectable manner, all things considered.

There are some cool set pieces, like this giant hippopotamus machine. Releasing basketballs from its mouth, your task is to head butt them back into the hippo’s mouth. Doing this is much harder than it looks, especially as the timer runs down and the pressure mounts. Each good basket grants you an apple. The hippo machine holds 4 apples; the other 4 are scattered throughout the level.

Reminds me a bit of this from Earthworm Jim 2 — Reminds me a bit of this from *Earthworm Jim 2*

Pick your level from this overhead map. Backtrack if you wish. Along the way some folks provide information, others will share a 16 character password and some even challenge you to mini games. The boy is an unplayable character, and that’s just as fine. Who wants to be a little 1st grader when you can be a cuddly seal?

Shōnen Ashibe has some nice details but nothing we haven’t seen before. Reappearing blocks, moving platforms and so forth. One really nice detail is the haunted house theme where you can see lightning flash outside the windows.

There’s definitely a me too feeling throughout the game but hey, if you can’t get enough of these games you’ll be right at home. Controlling a seal has its advantages, too. For example, Goma-chan can cling on edges which is quite cool.

My favorite theme is the ice world. The ice levels are extremely slippery, more so than most other platformers I can recall. The poor fella just slides around like a mofo as soon as you pick up any sort of momentum.

Reppin' the Northern Lights! — Reppin’ the Northern Lights!

DoReMi Fantasy did it better — *DoReMi Fantasy* did it better

It sure did but DoReMi Fantasy also came out exactly 3 years and 3 months later (December 22, 1992 —> March 22, 1996). One has to account for such a huge technological gap

Nothing beats the real deal though! — Nothing beats the **real deal** though!

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

Super Play, who erroneously referred to it as Syo the Seal, gave Shōnen Ashibe a very respectable 79% rating. It remains a fairly obscure game to this day, but those who have played it have shared similar sentiments. It’s certainly not bad and has its moments here and there.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Not shabby — surprisingly somewhat solid even — yet nothing worth writing home about. The graphics are nice; they’re simple yet colorful and charming in that Japanese sort of way. The music isn’t bad though it gets sugary sweet in spots to the point it can quickly become a bit annoying. All in all, Shōnen Ashibe is a great choice for kids. Older players probably won’t dig it as much, but you might find yourself a bit surprised at how well it plays if given the chance.

That darn Goma-chan... he's just too stinkin' cute! — That darn Goma-chan… he’s just too stinkin’ cute!

Miracle Girls (SFC)

***Pub: Takara | Dev: Now Production | 10.22.93***

Miracle Girls is based on the Japanese manga by Nami Akimoto, which made its debut on July 6, 1991. It was later translated into a 51 episode anime series from January 8 to December 24, 1993. Along the way, there was even a video game adaptation, made exclusively for the Super Famicom.

Select either Tomomi and Mikage Matsunaga (twin girls with supernatural powers) and traverse platforming stages with mini games thrown in for good measure. You begin with 3 hearts and up to 5 can be stored by collecting fruit. The levels are so colorful you just may go blind.

Miracle Girls is a very simple game. There are only 2 buttons at play: jumping and throwing candy. As you might have deduced from the visuals and source material, this is very kid friendly. Instead of killing enemies, you throw candy as bait, which then allows you to safely evade bad guys who are busy getting diabetes. They chomp for roughly 5 seconds and can’t harm you in this altered state. Otherwise, touching them deducts a heart.

Animals cant resist sweets. FACT — Fact: animals can’t resist sweets

While they’re busy chewing, you can stand on their heads to collect otherwise unreachable items and power-ups.

There is a dreamlike atmosphere to Miracle Girls that sort of hearkens one back to the days of Capcom’s Little Nemo: The Dream Master.

One of the coolest box art covers of my youth

Besides the bright colorful graphics, one thing that stood out was the aid of your twin. She’ll pop up from time to time to provide some helpful tips.

Your twin sister will help guide you through perilous sections. Her speech is in Japanese but thankfully there’s only two voices and you’ll quickly be able to differentiate the two. One indicates orange while the other denotes white. Before long you’ll learn two Japanese words! Whichever color she yaps is the flower color you want to hop on. The other will drop, sending you to an early grave if you’re unlucky enough to be standing on it.

Cue Van Halens JUMP — Cue Van Halen’s **JUMP**

There are also mini-games scattered throughout, as well as a mini-game mode on its own and a 2-player mini-game mode. After the first level you play water tag with a bumblebee. The overhead action looks somewhat similar to Super Bomberman. My advice is to hit him ONCE and then RUN LIKE HELL. After firing your water gun, you’ll need to recharge before shooting again. Thankfully, you’re not left completely vulnerable as there’s an umbrella cover defense that lasts for half a second. Use it wisely!

Bubbles begin to roam the field halfway through. If contact with said bubbles is made, that person will lose 1 point off their score (whether human or computer controlled). It helps to keep players honest by limiting one’s ability to “babysit” and wait things out. Whoever has the most points at the end wins.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Mikage says until next time, good nigh! — Mikage says ***“Good night…”***

Miracle Girls isn’t too shabby; it’s certainly playable if not enjoyable. However, it may be way too cute for its own good. I can see how the source material may instantly remove it from playing contention for certain gaming connoisseurs. However, if you can look past its extremely cute exterior, there lies a decent platforming game underneath. Just don’t expect anything too fancy or mind blowing and chances are you’ll have a decent time with this one.

Mr. USA Tony Atlas

"Thank God almighty, we are free at last!" — ***“Free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last!”***

Today (January 15, 2019) would have marked Martin Luther King Jr.’s 90th birthday. A prominent leader of the Civil Rights movement, Martin lived a rich and fulfilling life. He helped to stir about change in our country and his dream lives on today in the hearts and minds of many. I’m a fan of great speeches. When certain words are strung together in a way that flow majestically, it can really resonate deeply with me and touch me to my very core. With that said, one of my favorite speeches that has flown under the radar came from Mr. USA Tony Atlas. I’m proud to replicate his 2006 WWE Hall of Fame speech. Damn was 2006 a great year for speeches (see Bret Hart and Mean Gene Okerlund). I loved Tony’s speech so much that I used parts of it in a graduate course I took in 2007 when I had to play out a patriotic role. The class gave me a standing ovation and thought I was crazy for coming up with something so extravagant on the fly, but truth be told I had seen Tony’s speech probably a dozen times on my Wrestlemania 22 DVD by that point. They even nominated me for an Oscar Anyway, without further ado, please welcome WWE Hall of Famer, TONY ATLAS!

Known for his incredible strength and astonishing agility, Tony Atlas is one of the most impressive physical specimens in the world of professional wrestling. A former Mr. USA, Atlas is one of the first body builders to ever enter the wrestling industry.

In the mid 1970s, Atlas made a name for himself in the NWA. After Atlas muscled his way through the NWA, it was on to the World Wide Wrestling Federation. It was there that Mr. USA became a nationally known superstar, competing against legends such as Rowdy Roddy Piper, Mr. Wonderful, Big John Studd and Sgt. Slaughter. Atlas also had memorable matches against Hulk Hogan, even press slamming the “Immortal One.” Tony takes pride in the fact that he was never pinned by the Hulkster.

The highlight of his career came in 1983. Tony Atlas and his partner, Rocky Johnson, made history. By defeating the Wild Samoans, Mr. USA and Rocky Johnson became the first superstars of African American descent to win a tag team championship in the World Wrestling Federation.

Tony Atlas is a leader in the world of power lifting, an icon in the world of body building, and a legend in the world of professional wrestling. Tonight we are proud to welcome in the WWE Hall of Fame, Mr. USA Tony Atlas.

—

King: In this business, you’re lucky if you find that special tag team partner. Here to induct Tony Atlas tonight is his former tag partner and best friend, Special Delivery Jones!

The capacity crowd rises to greet Special Delivery Jones — The capacity crowd rises to greet SD Jones

Tonight I’m here to induct my best friend, Tony Atlas.

Tony Atlas and I met 1980, in Allentown, Pennsylvania… long time ago. We talked, we became very close friends, and we decided to talk to office, maybe we could become tag team partners. Finally, they turned us wide open. Tony Atlas and I became one of the best tag teams, that time, around Pennsylvania, New York, Baltimore, Maryland — all the way around Maryland. Anyway, let me get there… I’m getting excited, excuse me.

Tony said to me, “SD, we need the straps.” I said, “OK, we have to wrestle Saito and Mr. Fuji.” We tried and we tried and we tried. I could not do it. I was the one that killed the tag.

So, I had to step aside. When I stepped aside, Rocky Johnson came to town. They became the first African Americans to ever win the WWE tag team championship. I think I did the right thing, because I couldn’t carry the load and Rocky Johnson was a better partner… BUT… I made a mistake. It didn’t last 3 weeks. They fought, they fought, they had mistakes, they had problems. And I had to push Rocky away and I went back to Atlas. We became partners again.

We traveled the world. Tony and I were in Spain at one time. I saw some body builders doing some stuff in a gym. I asked them where is the gym where all the power lifters are? They told us it was in another town, I can’t remember the name right now but anyway… we flew all the way to Barcelona… listen to me, Barcelona — JUST to meet those guys.

Tony Atlas and I flew there, six hours it took. When we got there they brought the Olympic lifters to meet us. They say they wrestlers they suppose to be strong. Tony Atlas says to me “Bossman” — he calls me Bossman a lot — “I’m hungry.” I said, “We not gonna eat, we have to do this, we have to represent WWE.” He said, “OK Bossman.”

We got in there and I did my little 510 pounds. Think I was a big shot, that’s what I thought. They pushed me aside. Tony says, “Bossman, stand behind me.” When Tony got on the bench ladies and gentlemen, he lifted SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY pounds and all the guys — they took off.

*crowd claps*

I didn’t stop there. We went on to Vienna, Austria. I found out where they were lifting also. I went in, I said to them, “I have a man here who can OUTLIFT EVERYBODY.”

They said, “No wrestlers can outlift us. We are Olympic.”

I said, “OK my brother.”

I brought in Tony.

I said, “Tony sit down, rest yourself.”

Tony went up again. He started off with 400 pounds, went all the way up to SIX HUNDRED and TWENTY POUNDS. And one of the guys said, “He IS an Olympic lifter!”

*crowd claps*

I didn’t stop. We went on to Egypt for WWE — those are the places that we went FOR THIS OFFICE.

When we got to Egypt one guy told me that we have to go to Cairo, on the other side of the river, which they say is the Nile. I said we are going to do it. I got a bus, I pay the guy, we went over.

Rocky Johnson was with me, he said "You're crazy" — Rocky Johnson was with me. He said ***“You’re crazy!”***

I said “No, I want to show the world that Tony Atlas is one of the best we ever had in this business.”

When I got there there were lifters, lifters from the Olympics. One of the guys looked at us and said, “I saw this guy in a book some place, they call him Mr. USA right?”

Tony went on the bench and Tony did SIX HUNDRED and THIRTY-FIVE pounds, walked away. He said “Bossman, I’m hungry.”

*crowd laughs*

I didn’t stop there. He said, “SD, when are you going to stop? Bossman stop it.” I said I’ll stop, but I didn’t.

We went to Norway for this office — this WWE office — those are the places that we went together, doing what we love.

We were pioneers. “Tony, just call yourself a pioneer for WWE” — that’s what I told him.

In Norway I met some guys. They said they weren’t too good, we got a gym and all. One guy went up to 600 pounds and stopped. I told Tony, “Please don’t do it, please don’t. He has all his family here…”

Tony said, "I don't have my family here..." *crowd laughs* — Tony said, ***“I don’t have my family here…”***
*crowd laughs*

Tony did SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY pounds and we walked away.

He looked at me, “You gonna stop. If you don’t stop, Bossman, I’m gonna pop you one of these.”

*crowd laughs*

We were very very close friends, we are still very close. We call each other like 3, 4 times a month just talking about LIFE. Tony is one of the greatest in our business. He won the Atlantic championship, he won tag team championship. He won the championship in Puerto Rico, he is one of the best we ever had in our business.

And he did not stop there. He went on to do bodybuilding and won the Mr. USA contest. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I’m honored. Tony, tonight your name will be with the best of the best in our business and the Hall of Fame. Congratulations my brother, and God Bless you.

Tony Atlas makes his way out to the sold out capacity crowd at the huge Rosemont Theatre in Rosemont, Illinois.

A show of respect from Tony's peers — A show of respect from Tony’s peers

The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, gives Tony Atlas a nudge nudge wink wink.

... and Atlas plays along — … and Atlas plays along

Atlas soaks it all in before the crowd hushes down

WEEELL… first of all, I like to uh… I like to thank… the wrestling fans.

*crowd cheers*

Because, without you fans, there be no Hulk Hogan…. *crowd cheers*

There be no Ric Flair…. *crowd cheers twice as loud*

There be no Tony Atlas… there be nothing. You guys — I have been to arenas where the snow is up to my hip — wrestling fans come out to see it. I been down in Florida with one of the greatest wrestlers and a very good friend of mine by the name of Dusty Rhodes the American Dream *crowd cheers*

I been in Mid Atlantic with another great wrestler by the name of Ric Flair — the Nature Boy *crowd cheers*

I had the honor of wrestling Olympic champion Ken Patera *minor applause*

I had the honor of matching STRENGTH with the man that HAD the 23 inch guns — SUPERSTAR Billy Graham!

*crowd erupts*

You KNOW… what I gonna say right now is from the heart, because it’s probably my last time for saying anything to such wonderful people.

But my mother, Beatrice James White, gave birth to NINE kids. Worked TWO jobs. They called it a SPLIT SHIFT. She got up in the morning went to work at 7 O’Clock, work until 2 went back at 4 worked until 11. I’m from Virginia, raised up in the SLAVE SHACK where we didn’t have wooden floors — we had dirt on the floors. I got up and scrubbed dirt floors. We didn’t have dishes in the house; my mother brought home newspaper, dumped food on the newspaper, we sat there and ate… with no dishes in the house.

I graduated from high school with the same pair of pants I started school with. We were DIRT POOR. But I was BLESSED. Because, regardless of if you born in a mansion on the HILL, or you born in the SLAVE SHACK in Virginia… I was born in the greatest country in the history — the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

And EVEN THOUGH… even though they say that Mr. USA represent body building… when the people WAVED THEM AMERICAN FLAGS… when the people hollered U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A… I feel PRRROOOOUD to be an American!

*crowd cheers*

And if you APPLY yourself, if you work hard, keep your nose clean and do as you’re told, and really really put forth a good effort, in the United States of America I don’t care where you was born, or how you came up, or what color you are, or what race you are, or what GENDER you are, you can make it because YOU ARE… in the UNITED States of AMERICA!

*crowd goes absolutely nuts*

And IN THE UNITED States of America I met a very good friend by the name of SD Jones, Blackjack Mulligan, Bobby Heenan, Dusty Rhodes, and the list go on and on and on but right now I want to give a special thank — y’all folk don’t know this but I don’t mind telling you because I AM in America and I AIN’T ASHAMED OF NUTTHIN’!

*crowd cheers*

I want this lady right here to stand up. Stand up, Monica, please darling.

Now, in 1989 I found myself homeless… I made a lot of money but as the old timers say, “It ain’t what you made it’s what you saved.” I shoulda listen.

*crowd chuckles*

Because my mother always told me, “A hard head makes a soft behind.” I shoulda listen to mom… ‘coz she always say “Don’t lemme tell you again BOY!”

*crowd laughs*

This lady took in a homeless man… fed him, didn’t know who I were.

*crowd claps*

She took in a homeless man, fed him, built him back up, and educated him. Now I’m a certified personal trainer because of this lady here.

*The crowd gives Monica a roaring ovation* — *Crowd gives Monica a roaring ovation*

And I’m gonna say something else I DON’T CARE who don’t like it. 3 months later Vince McMahon called me… and made me some money, get me back on my feet. Thank you Mr. McMahon I don’t care WHO DON’T LIKE IT!

Tony had a short stint in late 1990 as Saba Simba

Being a professional wrestler was the greatest thing that ever happened to a poor ol’ Virginia boy, raised up in the sticks of Virginia, with nothing to eat. But I’m not complaining now, because I love my ham hock and beans. More so than them steaks and them lobsters — what them little snails y’all guys eat — that Escargot stuff? Now if y’all be eating that then don’t be making fun of MAH BEANS.

*crowd laughs*

And one day somebody asked my wife, “Why you marry Tony Atlas?” She said, “He makes good pork chops!” *blinks while crowd laughs*

Anyway, I don’t want to take much more time. From the bottom of my heart, I love all the people in the wrestling business. I love all the great fans that made the wrestling business, because without you fans there would be none of us.

And all I got to say is God bless each and every one of you. And always remember, you live in the greatest country in the history of the world — U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A! Thank you!

*Crowd cheers*

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Another wildly entertaining and inspiring speech, one can learn a lot from Tony’s life experiences. There is a lot of crap that goes on in this world but at the end of the day, I like to believe in the goodness of the human race. Of course there’s a select handful that tries to ruin it for everybody else, but stories like Tony’s warms my heart. How Monica, a completely random stranger, took in a homeless man, fed him, gave him shelter and rebuilt him from the ground up. Amazing tales like this remind me that genuine kindness and compassion — even in the smallest way — goes a long way.

RVGFanatic Retrospective

It was on a cold and rainy Sunday night 12 years ago that RVGFanatic first opened its doors. As cliché as it may sound, I remember it like it was only yesterday. January 7, 2007. As I write this, it’s January 7, 2019. Wow. RVGFanatic is 12 years old. Come next January, it’ll officially be a teenager! That’s crazy, but I digress. I remember thinking two years ago what a huge milestone the 10 year anniversary was. Very few gaming fan sites last a few years, let alone a decade or more. For a myriad of reasons — whether the webmaster burns out, loses interest or both — this kind of longevity is rare. As you may well know, I can be very sentimental and nostalgic. With that in mind, there’s no better time than now to reflect back on the past 12 years and the history of RVGFanatic.

GOING BACK… WAY BACK

I fell in love with Goosebumps on a fateful late afternoon in the fall of 1993. We had to write book reports. Once completed, your classmates could then read your thoughts on any given book. My classmates would often tell me how much they loved reading my reviews. The reviewing craze began…

THE INTERNET AGE

I first used the internet in 1996. Remember AOL? [LOL -Ed.]. I grew up on horror films so one of the first things I did online was sign up to post on the forums over at horrormovies.com. It wasn’t long before I joined video gaming forums. I always had a blast sharing my thoughts with random strangers. It paved the way for what would eventually become RVGFanatic.

THE BIG VIDEO GAME COMEBACK

Not an uncommon sight on any given day back in 2006

The late ’90s saw a departure from video games for me. But I came roaring back in early 2001. That began my run with the Sega Saturn — I amassed 350 Saturn games through the summer of 2005. Then in early 2006 I returned home to the Super Nintendo. Receiving packages of games left and right from various places all over the internet, I was a man on a mission to reclaim bits and pieces of my childhood. I had a burning desire to preserve the memories for myself, and hopefully one day my future children.

I had plans to create an all-encompassing Saturn topic on various forums featuring pictures, reviews, related stories and memories. But I burned out on the Saturn in the summer of 2005 and the topic was never meant to be. So when I began my SNES resurgence in January of 2006, it was a chance at redemption! I regretted not tallying a record of my Saturn buys: dates of purchase, prices and any interesting stories. My SNES comeback gave me a chance to do things right second time around. I charted every SNES purchase and had plans to launch a topic in the near future detailing my SNES reviews, memories and stories.

By the summer of 2006, roughly 6 months into my SNES renaissance, I had acquired 400 (!) SNES games. There was just SO much to play. The timing to launch my SNES topic didn’t feel right but still I wanted scratch that itch and create a series of SNES-related impressions in one fashion or another. Thinking back to how much fun I had writing about obscure Sega Saturn imports earlier in the decade, it hit me like an ACME 16-TON weight.

And so I launched a topic dedicated to reviewing obscure Super Famicom games that came out only in Japan. It was a win-win. The topic gave me a creative outlet and served as a stopgap, giving me time to play through my SNES library on my own terms rather than feeling rushed.

Furthermore, what I didn’t realize at the time was that the obscure Super Famicom project was the impetus to launching RVGFanatic. The insane amount of unique content I had ready to go was key in spurring me along. It’s always harder to start from scratch than it is to have a bunch of content already waiting in the wings.

TAMING THE BEAST

Launched on September 8, 2006, my obscure Super Famicom topic became a bigger hit than I anticipated. It stirred a ton of retro gaming discourse. Originally I’d planned for my topic to go no further than Halloween 2006. But I kept buying more obscure Japanese games and the thread became so popular I didn’t want the ride to end. Around October someone suggested I compile everything and put it on a site. I didn’t give it much thought at the time as I was content posting my reviews on various forums. But then came the fateful evening of December 16, 2006. Digit Press member Pete Whitley had these inspirational words for me.

For some reason, those string of magical words resonated deeply with me. I didn’t know anything about designing a site. Posting on message board forums was easy and good enough for me. But Pete Whitley made a damn good point. I spent hours gathering hundreds of screenshots and reviewed so many obscure games that a website — something more permanent and prominent than a message board topic that was bound to fade to obscurity over time — made perfect sense. With that firmly in mind, I spent that holiday season of 2006 tinkering around until finally deciding Pete Whitley was right. But there was only one problem left: what the HELL do I name this sucker?!

NAMING THE BEAST

I was stumped on what to call my pending site so I asked around. My buddy JVGFanatic had 3 suggestions. The first was Retro Fire. It had a nice little punch but it didn’t quite gel for me. His second was Obscuretro. I initially thought it was a clever mashup of “obscure” and “retro.” But thankfully I slept on it and decided not to. The spelling was funky and although my site would be heavily built around obscure Super Famicom impressions, I knew the main bulk would eventually consist of SNES reviews. Super Metroid isn’t exactly obscure! His final suggestion was tongue-in-cheek but right away it clicked. JVGFanatic, AKA Japanese Video Game Fanatic, suggested RVGFANATIC (Retro Video Game Fanatic). Done!

LAUNCHING THE BEAST

Opening on January 7, 2007, the first day had a little note welcoming readers. The next day I posted my first review in the form of Godzilla: Kaijuu Daikessen. It was only fitting since that was the first game I highlighted in my obscure Super Famicom topic. After clicking on PUBLISH, my dad called to ask if I could drive him down to the auto repair shop to pick up his car. There was a light rain that Monday night as I recall the vigor of knowing that someone somewhere was viewing my content and among the first visitors to do so. I was floating on cloud 9 as I drove my dad on that wet drizzling freeway. It’s a moment in time that I remember fondly to this day, even 12 years later.

RELAUNCHING THE BEAST

Spread the word around. Guess who's back in town! — Spread the word around. Guess who’s back in town!

BEASTLY DIFFERENCES

The last lost review! — The ~~last~~ lost review! *Blackthorne* on October 15, 2015

My original site had text that would wrap around the pictures. I was always fond of that, but my OCD often kicked in and I kept editing reviews and articles until they aligned perfectly with the margins. That I do *NOT* miss! I’m a lot less OCD with WordPress

BYE BYE TEXTING

I did a lot of text-embedded shots on my old site. They were fun but it took a lot of extra work. Once I moved to WordPress I was able to use PNG images instead of JPG. It saves me a ton of time and while part of me misses the text-embedded shots, ain’t nobody got time for that!

The quality difference between JPG and PNG images is stark.

JPG. Colors all washed out. Ew — JPG. Colors all washed out

Wow, it's not even close — PNG. Night and day difference!

RVG’S DIGEST
~THE BEST OF RVGFANATIC~

Everything I’ve written since 2007 has meant something to me in some way, but certain ones have resonated more with me than others. With over 300 reviews and articles written over the past 12 years, narrowing it down to just 35 favorites wasn’t easy…

ADVENTURES OF HOURAI HIGH

Laced with some of my most memorable high school memories, this isn’t just a review of an obscure Japanese RPG but rather an inspired look back at our formative years. Sometimes you hit lightning in a bottle and Adventures of Hourai High is a classic example of everything coming together just right.

BRET “THE HITMAN” HART

One of my childhood heroes, I honored Bret Hart on his 60th birthday by recapping his unforgettable 2006 Hall of Fame speech. Join us for a magical evening where Bret will regale you with legendary tales from a bygone era. From epic stories involving Mr. Perfect, Owen Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bret’s speech is more than a celebration of wrestling — it’s a celebration of the indomitable human spirit.

CHRISTMAS MEMOIRS

When you’re a kid, video games and Christmas just go hand in hand. I’ve had some great experiences through the years that I recollected here.

COLLECTION Q&A

I answer questions about my collection as well as share some old war stories from the early days of hunting and what buying SNES games back in 2006 was like.

CONTRA

The game that cemented me as a gaming fan for life, I can’t count the number of times my brother, uncle and I alternated turns to save the universe by blasting alien scum to Kingdom Come. Growing up in the late ’80s was a glorious time thanks to iconic hits like Contra.

CONTRA III: THE ALIEN WARS

Few sequels ever live up to the hype, but this one does. Featuring a reimagined plot inspired by 1987’s Predator, Contra III proves that if it bleeds we can kill it.

CORRIDOR 7: THE ALIEN INVASION

From the Alien Wars to the Alien Invasion we go. A Wolfenstein 3D clone, Corridor 7 was a guilty pleasure childhood game and likely would have found more success had Doom not come out months prior. I was lucky enough to score an interview with the game’s programmer, Les Bird, and ask him some burning questions I had been curious about for nearly 25 years.

EARTHBOUND

Whimsical and profound, EarthBound is one of the best experiences I ever had on the SNES. Expressing my thoughts in a way that would do even a modicum of justice to this coming-of-age adventure was a tall task. Fortunately, I felt I somehow captured the game’s essence and spirit. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi to it that makes it my favorite review of all time.

FOR WHOM THE BELCH TOLLS

Have you ever had a best friend that you just grew apart from? Find out what happens when Stu Cutler, Tim Taylor’s old best buddy from college 15 years ago, hits town for an impromptu reunion. Will the good times roll on, or will the past be the only remaining bond?

GOOSEBUMPS

Goosebumps cemented my love for literature and things that go bump in the night. This article highlights my journey with R.L. Stine’s best selling series and all the fun spooky memories forged along the way.

GUNMAN’S PROOF

One of my favorite SNES games that doesn’t get enough love, this review was a massive labor of love and came out better than I could have hoped for. Gunman’s Proof is what you’d get if you merged EarthBound with the Wild West.

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is an iconic franchise and easily my favorite horror movie (series) of all time. Join me for a nostalgic jaunt down memory lane where the Boogeyman could be lurking behind any corner…

HALLOWEEN MEMORIES

This article highlights some of my fondest Halloween memories. From a nod to John Carpenter’s Halloween to a full breakdown of Doug’s Halloween Adventure to one of the greatest nights of my life… Halloween 1994.

HARLEY’S HUMONGOUS ADVENTURE

As far as SNES action platformers go, this one is just alright. But as far as reviews I’ve written go, this is hands down one of the most memorable. That’s thanks in large part to Brian Greenstone, who programmed Harley’s Humongous Adventure and was kind enough to answer some questions.

HUNTING THE BOOGEYMAN
ADVENTURES WITH MY BEST FRIEND NELSON

Nelson and I were best friends growing up and have known each other for 30 years. This article highlights our various adventures through the years, including that fateful weekend I spent at Nelly’s in the summer of 2016. Our hope was to catch up and hang out at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse. Instead, in a moment of pure serendipity, we unexpectedly found ourselves a boogeyman — THE BOOGEYMAN — as we ran around Haddonfield (AKA South Pasadena) chasing a ghost from our past.

JESSE’S GIRL

Women. For thousands of years these perplexing and complex beings have mystified many. Since the dawn of time man has struggled to find the right partner in the game of life. This classic tale from the early days of Full House epitomizes man’s search for such; full of wonder, hope and heartbreak.

MEAN GENE OKERLUND

For anyone who grew up with the WWF during the late ’80s to early ’90s, Mean Gene Okerlund was an iconic fixture and a comforting voice in our lives. Recently, Mean Gene sadly passed away at the age of 76. To honor and commemorate his life and legacy, I transcribed his 2006 Hall of Fame speech.

MY SNES COLLECTION

Celebrating RVGFanatic’s big 10 year anniversary (January 2017), this article features an in-depth and comprehensive look at my Super Nintendo library. It’s full of stories, recommendations and so much more. This is my favorite piece ever written (so far) in the 12 year history of RVGFanatic.

MY SNES COMEBACK

January 17, 2006 was the day I bought a Super Nintendo and began my SNES resurrection. I had one in the ’90s so this was a homecoming for me. 12 years later, here I highlight those early days of 2006 and what it was like to get back into the fandom. Spoiler alert: it was fucking glorious

NIGHTCRAWLER

X-Men: The Animated Series ruled the ’90s. Sure the animation was a little awful at times but it had serious heart. Perhaps nowhere was that more apparent than the surprisingly-deep-for-a-Saturday-morning-cartoon episode of Nightcrawler, where Wolverine encounters not only the titular mutant but his own faith as well.

OF MASTODONS AND MEN

My favorite TV show of all time, this Wonder Years episode is all about identity. Being self-aware in whatever stage of life you are is the key to growth, peace and happiness. Relationships can be a beautiful thing… provided that both parties are ready and compatible. Kevin Arnold and his newly minted girlfriend, Julie Aidem, finds out the hard way that sometimes… LOVE HURTS.

REMEMBERING 9/11 AND COACH BUTLER

In the face of tragedy, everyone grieves in their own unique way. Some people eat. Some focus on material possessions. Some cry and mourn. Others play basketball. This is a harrowing account of my experiences surrounding 9/11, the day after and one unforgettable teacher that left a lasting imprint.

SNES HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

Halloween and Super Nintendo are two of my favorite things, so mashing them together only makes sense. The SNES is often perceived as a “kiddy” system with very few dark and mature titles. I attempt to bust that myth by highlighting 35 SNES games that, although some are more kid friendly than others, are all perfectly suitable to play during the month of October.

SNES PARTY GAMES

Back in the old days there was nothing more thrilling than huddling around a TV playing video games with some of your best friends. The SNES is home to a plethora of party games. From the usual suspects to the more obscure, I hope this list inspires you to try out a new game or two the next time you have some buddies over.

SUPER MARIO KART

A true classic through and through, Super Mario Kart is one of the best 2 player games on the SNES. The added text in the screenshots turned out really well too, which is something I used to do during the earlier days of this site.

SUPER MARIO WORLD

Originally published on “Me-Mario Day” 2012, Super Mario World was an intensive labor of love. It took me painstaking hours to embed all the text into the game’s screenshots, but it was worth it. Because in the end you have a quirky and unique review of a masterpiece that has been reviewed a thousand times over. I always try to make my work stand out from the pack. After all, have you ever been coinblocked before? It’s the pits, really.

SUPER PLAY’S TOP 100 SNES GAMES

Super Play Magazine was a British publication (1992-1996) dedicated solely to covering all things SNES. Essentially, it’s sort of like the “SNES Bible.” In issue #42 they listed their top 100 SNES games. I replicated that list so that everyone could read it. And apparently everyone did; this is one of the most popular links here.

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: A LINK TO THE PAST

Originally published in May of 2007, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past was one of my earliest and biggest reviews. Much like the timeless game itself, this review (I dare say) has stood the test of time. On cold nights if you listen quietly enough, they say it’s still raining something fierce in Hyrule…

THE MODE 7 YEAR ITCH

Last January I celebrated RVGFanatic’s 11th anniversary by reposting this from my first site. It details 7 reasons why I love the SNES now as much as I ever did at any point in history. How the hell did I avoid burning out these past 13 years? Besides being mental, this article perfectly explains why I still love the SNES so much even to this day.

THE SUMMER OF IMPORTS

The summer of 1994 was one for the ages. Particularly that one innocent weekend in June where my best friend Nelson and I discovered some amazing Super Famicom imports. The rest, as they say, is history.

THE TALE OF THE LONELY GHOST

Are You Afraid of the Dark? (I wasn’t until I watched this show, thanks Nickelodeon!) is one of my all-time favorite TV shows. This is a spooky tale about a prank gone horribly wrong and the sins that trap us. But what can set us free is L-O-V-E. The Tale of the Lonely Ghost is as much terrifying as it is touching.

TOP 50 OBSCURE SUPER FAMICOM GAMES

As September 2016 was rapidly approaching, it dawned on me that my topic about obscure Super Famicom games was about to turn 10 years old. To honor the occasion I decided to rank my top 50 favorite obscure Super Famicom games. I had a blast doing this and received a ton of positive feedback. This is the most viewed link on RVGFanatic!

WOLFCHILD

Similar to Harley’s Humongous Adventure, Wolfchild is a classic case of average SNES game but memorable review. This is thanks to Simon Phipps, Wolfchild mastermind, for participating in an exclusive interview I was lucky enough to conduct.

WWF MEMORIES

It’s no secret that I’m a huge wrestling fan. Or as I like to joke with my girlfriend, I’m just a slight fan. I grew up watching the WWF and looked up to larger-than-life icons like Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. Throughout my life, wrestling has always been there for me in one fashion or another. I’ve been a fan for over 30 years now, and although the product fluctuates in terms of quality, I’ll be a fan for life. This article delves into my epic WrestleMania 31 weekend, my top 10 favorite wrestlers and my favorite wrestling moments of all time.

YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD NINTENDO MAN

The late ’80s was such a different and innocent time. I’ll never forget all those weekends my dad took me out to rent the latest video games. My go to spot was classic Evergreen Video. It was the quintessential mom and pop shop. Tom, the owner of Evergreen, was like an uncle to me and my brother. Tom lived the American Dream until one day he, along with Evergreen Video, mysteriously vanished. But I’ll always have the memories. Tom, I hope you’re doing well, wherever you are.

FEEDBACK OVER THE YEARS

Thank you Allistair for advocating for me! It means a lot and I am humbled. I’m not as well known as HG101 or Sega-16, but I think I did pretty well these past 12 years.

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JANUARY 10, 2007

Love the site Steven! You’re gonna drive me to the poor house trying to find all these obscure games, lol.
~Pete Whitley

My man, Pete! Thanks for the inspiration to start this site. I might have never done it if it weren’t for your encouraging words back in December 2006.

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Ah yes, the Sega Saturn Saga. Thanks for the support William!

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JANUARY 24, 2007

Hey Steven, nice place you put up here. Once I get the OPCFG back up and running, I’m definitely linking to you. Nice work!
~Rob Strangman

Rob! Thanks for inspiring me with the OPCFG. That was one of the earliest gaming fansites I can remember and it left an impression on me for sure.

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Why thank you, Lis. Glad I was able to open you up to some of the “forgotten” games of the vast SNES library, such as Brandish and Hook. As long as I keep writing, I’ll maintain the passion!

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FEBRUARY 14, 2007

I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you that I think your work so far is amazing. Your reviews are refreshingly free of laziness, even if the game isn’t particularly deserving of such overwhelming effort. Further, real life blog-ish entries like Jessie’s Girl and the second half of Santa Haas are truly touching. It’s always one of the highlights of my day when I can come home from work and find a juicy update or two.

Keep it up and please try to not get bored.
~Mercatfat

Brother, it’s now been 12 years. Guess I didn’t get bored after all

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Thank you Rich for the heartfelt message. I’m glad you’re able to relate and that so much of RVGFanatic resonates with you. I think there’s a bunch of us who grew up during the late ’80s to mid ’90s who share similar childhood memories. Ah yes, my Memories of Renting article was one of the earliest articles I wrote (March 2007) and remains a popular one to this day. Good times indeed.

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MAY 10, 2007

Hi. Not sure how I stumbled across this site but bloody hell I’m glad I did. Kinda reminds me of a time in gaming when magazines like Mean Machines and Super Play were big, and sarcasm and humor played a big part of gaming journalism, before the 32-bit boom when everything started to get all serious. Good times. Anyways, rad site dude. Got it bookmarked.

Cheers.
-Butane Bob

I’m bloody hell glad you did as well

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Wow Mike. Bro, you and I go way back. Your sincere and genuine praise means a lot because I know you’re one that’s hard-pressed to impress. I’m glad RVGFanatic resonates so deeply with you. As I’ve found out through the years, although these stories are mine, many others have had similar experiences that helped to shape who they are as well. Rock on, brother.

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JULY 28, 2008

I don’t know if I told you how much I love RVGFANATIC, but I’ll say it again if I hadn’t before. Even though they are your stories and memories, they really do evoke the nostalgia of my own SNES experiences. Thanks and keep the site going!
~Garin

Thank you Garin. I feel like we all had that one best friend, that one crazy uncle, or that one classic mom and pop shop where we rented games each weekend. Writing about such memories helps to keep them alive for not only myself and my readers but future generations as well.

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Nice, a shout out from London! Ah yes, the long lasting summer evenings of childhood. There’s something profoundly serene about those magical nights from long ago. I’m glad my work is able to capture some of that!

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Appreciate the kind words, Will. I’ll try to update even more frequently in 2019!

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Hearing that my work reminds people of the glory days of EGM brings a virtual tear to my eye. I loved EGM and those old gaming magazines. If my work encapsulates even just a TINY bit of that ’90s magic, then mission accomplished!

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I’m flattered. Thank you. Your compliments read just like an Amazon review!

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We made it, Rob! 10 years, now 12 and counting. Where does the time go? It’s nuts that RVG is older than the 2009 photo challenge going around!

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VKC, you’ve been my biggest advocate (especially on Reddit) and I appreciate your support. It’s one thing to amuse and entertain, but it’s another to lift someone up. I can’t believe my gaming stories and memories have the power to do that for you but I am so happy that they do. Keep on trucking, bro!

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Thanks Dale for the amazing support! I’m glad RVGFanatic resonates with you and I’m humbled that you ranked it 9th on your top gaming highlights of the year.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

12 years in the game and counting — it’s been an incredible ride! So what’s next? The obvious answer is more SNES reviews and articles! I’m hoping to add some Switch reviews in 2019. I also want to write some more reviews for the Genesis, Saturn and Dreamcast even. But as always, the vision remains the same: commemorate the SNES by sharing my reviews and remembrances. The ultimate goal is launching my own personal SNES top list. It’s been 13 years in the making and I see myself hopefully getting that done in the next couple years or so. I’m really excited because it’s been my longest term project to date and has been my biggest goal with RVGFanatic since day one. I can’t wait to eventually share it. I also want to write more SNES articles in 2019 and beyond as those are always fun to write and read back. Here’s to another 12 years of RVGFanatic, and here’s to an awesome 2019