Steve | RVGFanatic

Fighter’s History: Mizoguchi Kiki Ippatsu!! (SFC)

I grew up loving fighting games. Being born in 1983, I was around 8-11 right when it was the “Golden Age of Fighting Games” (circa 1991-1994). I ate up the Street Fighter II clones that popped up overnight like a bad pimple on prom night. One of my favorites was Data East’s Fighter’s History (1993). The first time I saw its colorful, comic-book like cabinet, it was instant love. The game has a mixed bag reputation (leaning more toward “below par”) but I’ve always liked it.

One of my fondest gaming memories involves the summer of 1994. That was a summer for the ages. It was…

It’s a true story that was featured in Rob Strangman’s 2014 book “Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman” (which can be found on Amazon.com, cheap plug).

On one epic June morning, my old best friend Nelson and I came across three imports in the flesh that were months away from their US release. It was, in a word, glorious.

I have fond memories of playing Super Famicom Fighter’s History that hot summer day at Nelson’s. We would switch off and it was an awesome time to be a carefree kid growing up in suburbia.

This image is seared into my memory bank even 22 years later:

Conjures such nostalgic memories for me!

Takes me right back to Nelson’s living room on a hot June afternoon of 1994. Such amazing memories. On a side note, the SNES Fighter’s History port doesn’t get enough credit. It’s one of the best arcade-to-SNES translations I have played. Really well done by Data East.

Fighter’s History Dynamite came out in arcades in 1994. It is also known as Karnov’s Revenge.

But did you know there was a THIRD Fighter’s History game? And believe it or not, of all systems it was released ONLY on the Super Famicom February of 1995. Its full name is Fighter’s History: Mizoguchi Kiki Ippatsu!!

It’s a fascinating little footnote in Data East history. It included the two new characters of Fighter’s History Dynamite (Yungmie and Zazie) but unfortunately did away completely with these cats:

Of course, those five guys (heh, Five Guys…) happen to be my personal favorites of the series. Go figure. Instead, here is your roster:

Stripped down to 8, it seems like a massive step back. Especially considering the 1993 original had 9 characters to begin with, and the 1994 sequel had 13 characters. To go down to 8 in 1995 seems like a waste. Therefore, it feels like a weird remix of the first two games. Had it included all the characters, this would easily have been the definitive Fighter’s History game.

The game opens with a nice intro, at least. We’re (re)introduced to Data East’s Chelnov character, who appeared in Atomic Runner.

We’re also treated to the titular star’s special moves.

Of all people, why bring back Lee? Why? I miss Ray and his “BAKED POTATO!”

The game introduces mostly new backgrounds. Sadly, they’re not as memorable as the ones found in the first game. I always enjoyed the first game’s backgrounds. They weren’t flashy, but had a quiet solid quality backing them. By comparison here is Ryoko’s original stage below.

I love the basic simplicity of the original backgrounds — I love the look of the original backgrounds

Back are the weak points. Knock these weak points off and the characters become dizzy. I remember as kids we were all curious and excited wondering what Fei-Lin would look like after her top came off. Oh how we were disappointed. A sign of the times it was indeed. 1993, oh I miss thee…

Hate his stage's music — Hate his stage music

I loved Clown from the first game. There was a sinister element to him from the first game that is missing in this game. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but he doesn’t feel the same. Almost like it’s an imposter of the first Clown. Huh. Maybe it’s just me being weird. Good bet.

Zazie is one of two new fighters from Fighter’s History Dynamite. I never liked him much.

And Yungmie is the other one. Never liked her either. It’s a shame these two characters made the cut and that Ray, Matlok, Samchay, Jean and Marstorius were left on the cutting room floor.

Karnov’s stage from Fighter’s History Dynamite is recycled. Not bad. I’ve always liked this background. A rare instance in which I prefer the sequel’s background to the original version. Here’s Karnov’s bare bones boring stage from the original game below.

"Not so damn fast!" — “Not so damn fast!”

Here’s the cheat code to use him in certain modes:

Press Down, Down, Up, Up, Right, Left, L, R at the title screen after the opening intro.

Yes, the goofy announcer is back. “MIZOGUCHI… LOSES!”

It's a battle of the 'Novs! — It’s a battle of the ‘Novs!

TAG MODE: FOUR PLAYER FIGHTER’S HISTORY

The game’s most interesting feature is undoubtedly its FOUR player tag mode. Yes, up to four human players can plug up and play. Not at once, mind you, but it’s pretty impressive for an early 1995 fighting game. Early shades of X-Men vs. Street Fighter and the like!

As far as I know, it’s the only “4 player” fighting game on the SNES. For that alone, it’s gotta be considered at the very least, “noteworthy.” Also throw in the fact that this is the only “sequel” to an arcade game that came out exclusively on the SNES. Data East breaking all sorts of ground with this game.

See the touch sign there? Simply hit select at those points to switch out to your tag partner. There is a slight half second delay but all things considered it’s not bad, especially for 1995 16-bit standards. Quite frankly, it was pretty innovative stuff.

Two different practice modes are also available. In addition, a survival mode rounds out the extra bonuses. Nice job, Data East. Still, these cool modes don’t quite make up the difference for gutting your roster. There’s no doubt the SNES could have handled those 5 fighters. Weird, and lazy!

CLOSING THOUGHTS

I have mixed feelings about this game. The sound is pretty dang awful, but it’s nice to hear that wacky announcer return. The tag mode is an awesome feature, but on the flip side cutting those 5 characters really drag it down. Also, being a big fan of SNES Fighter’s History, this game doesn’t quite possess the same physics as that game. I can’t quite describe it but play it and you’ll notice the difference(s). I much prefer the gameplay and physics of the original.

As much as I want to like this quirky fascinating footnote of a game, there is just too much about it that I don’t particularly like that I can’t wholeheartedly recommend it. If it had the entire Fighter’s History crew I wouldn’t hesitate to call this a definite “hidden gem.”

As is, it’s only for the hardcore fighting game fans out there or for those of you who are fascinated by the idea of playing a Super Nintendo fighting game with three buds at the “same time.” All in all, it’s hit and miss. It certainly doesn’t play poorly, and the tag feature is undeniably dope, but that roster is way too thin and the sound is difficult to stomach at times. I’m glad I got a copy but it’s disappointing to think about how much better this game could have been and should have been. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all. Just ask Capcom when they tried to sue Data East in 1994 for copyright infringement

The Lost Weekend

Note: This article was originally written on my original site (RVGFanatic.com) two years ago on September 1, 2014. It was the weekend I *finally* organized my SNES collection. Being that today is Labor Day (September 5, 2016), I’d like to honor the memory of that epic weekend two years ago by re-posting this story

The lost weekend is a phrase used to describe an epic drunk weekend that begins Friday night and ends early Monday morning. As much as I love what I do for a living, there’s nothing like Friday when you’ve checked off your last to-do item on the list. An uncaged animal, you now have the next 50 or so hours to return to the comforts of your esteemed sanctuary, game cave or even make a random trip out of town. There are few things I relish more in this world than the feeling I get every single Friday evening when I make the drive home from a long, grueling work week. Rolling down the windows, undoing your tie, blasting the radio and taking in a good whiff of that sweet Friday night air. You know the weekend is here, and you know good times lie ahead. Whatever happened earlier that week is washed away as the weekend promises a respite. Punching out on a Friday is simply priceless!

Oh, the night is my world... — Oh, the night is my world…

City light painted girl.
In the day nothing matters.
It’s the night time that flatters.

Sorry, tangent!

Some Friday nights I like to hit the town and check out what’s going on. Other times I simply like cruising around with no destination in mind… letting the road take me wherever it shall. I’ve always been a night owl. My energy kicks in right when many prefer to sleep. I’m not as outgoing in my old age as I once used to be, but I do still like to get out there every once in a while to sample a bit of the night life. Lately though, after an exhausting work week, I’ve found driving straight home to relax and unwind to be slightly more appealing. Being a night owl, there’s something magical about those 11 PM to 2 AM hours on a late Friday night/early Saturday morning. Sometimes I’ll throw in a movie. Or play the next SNES game on my queue. Other times I’m working on a review or just hanging out with some pals. Whatever I end up doing, there’s something precious about those late hours. A nice calm and quiet serenity to it all.

Sometimes the best weekends are unplanned

Then Saturday morning comes. I just love to hang around town, or even stay in and take care of some projects around the house. More often than not, I’m usually chilling at home. No shame. I love those quiet early Saturday mornings… where it feels like the world is standing still for a brief moment or two. It’s even better during the fall season where you get weather like you see here. It’s so atmospheric — sometimes it’s great to hang out around the house chilling like a bum with no plans whatsoever.

Rock on, Super Nintendo — Saturday mornings and SNES? Sign me up!

Sometimes I’ll stay in and play the next game on my queue. It’s a joy to explore my SNES library. I acquired most of these games in early 2006, yet still there remains hundreds I have yet to play. It’s the system that keeps on giving. Once in a special while, you have a weekend you will never forget. This past Labor Day weekend (2014) was one such time for me. I decided it was time to finally set up and display my complete in box SNES collection. A project LONG overdue!

It puts my 8½ year SNES run into perspective :) — Puts my 8½ year SNES run into perspective

For years they were all over the place... — For years they were all over the place…

For over 8 years I’ve kept my Super Nintendo stuff tucked away in bins and boxes. Until recently I was inspired to finally set it up. I was inspired by a video on YouTube that showed movie critic Chris Stuckmann’s N64 games in badass box protectors. They looked über shiny and glossy. I knew right away that I had to do the same for my SNES collection. I contacted Dan of retroprotection.com and purchased 200 box protectors for $142. That may seem like a lot, but at 71 cents a pop, I believe it’s more than worth the investment, especially given how flimsy SNES boxes are. And like I said, it adds a nice classy sleek look.

Thanks Chris for the inspiration ^_^ — Thanks Chris for the inspiration

Highly recommended — Can’t go wrong with Dan the Man

I bought 200 tray inserts off eBay. Most of my SNES boxes didn’t come with an insert. They help prevent the cartridges from rattling and are a must for your boxed games.

The lost weekend began Friday night as I dug out my boxes and manuals in preparation for Saturday’s one man assembly line. Seeing the goods out in full force reminded me of how lucky I was that the nostalgia bug bit me back in January 2006, and not years later as the market would then explode. The prices these babies now command are insane. I was fortunate enough to beat the crowd. 2006 was a golden time to be a diehard SNES buyer as many items were cheap still.

Right place, right time... — Right place, right time…

Had this set up but it was time for an upgrade

Saturday morning, 9:15 AM. A beautiful morning, the floor was littered with cartridges, manuals and boxes. One at a time I began to put the pieces together. My goal was to get the first 200 games boxed. As I assembled it, I listened to quite a few wrestling podcasts. It was fun listening to Jim Ross shooting the breeze with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Also listened to Drax the Destroyer Dave Bautista talking to Chris Jericho about a variety of topics and learned a thing or two sitting under the learning tree of one, Paul Heyman. It help made the tedious one man assembly line a lot more fun, plus flipping through the various manuals and reading the back of boxes kept me entertained. It ended up being a lot more enjoyable and memorable than I imagined it would be. I felt like a kid all over again seeing my childhood resurrected, coming back to life one game, one box and one manual at a time ^_^

Wow. My jaw dropped as I stood back to admire my collection in half its glory. With another 200 or so games to piece together and display, this is ‘only’ 204 boxed SNES games. Wiping the sweat off my brow, I stood there for what felt like 30 minutes to admire the beauty of it all. I should have done this years ago! I love the SNES boxes. They’re flimsy but there’s something cool about them. They are, essentially, fragments of memories from my childhood!

CLOSING THOUGHTS

One guy put it best when he said years ago, “I feel like I’m fulfilling my childhood dreams.” There’s something to be said about walking into a room only to be met by hundreds and hundreds of boxed video games. As a child I remember gawking at the endless Super Nintendo titles on hand at the local SOFTWARE ETC. or Toys R Us. I could only dream of one day owning even a small fraction of all those games. Yet as of today, my collection rivals the stores I saw in my youth. Even surpassing them. It’s a trip. That’s one Labor Day weekend I’ll never forget. Finally I’d put together a bulk of my SNES collection. As I did, a flood of memories came roaring back, ranging from how I acquired a game to my childhood memories of playing a certain game to death. It was a weekend for the ages. Indeed, I have fulfilled my childhood dreams

I love the small pleasures in life. And one of them is definitely coming home to your game room. Gazing at those gorgeous boxes and knowing you can pick to play any one of them at any time is an incredible feeling. On lazy weekends, I enjoy playing games I’ve yet to play and have been curious about for years on end. Now that my collection is displayed, I feel all the more fortunate to own all the games that I do. The offering of choices is endless and playing the rest of the games still left on my to-beat queue is a lifetime project. You know what I absolutely love? You know how sometimes you’ll get the strangest, most random urge to play a certain game? Like it just hits you between the eyes out of the blue. The feeling I get from going through my work day and then you head home with that game still on your mind. You can’t shake it. You enter your game room, find it on the shelf, take it down and pop it in. Good stuff. It’s part of what makes gaming so much fun. I love movies, but to me there’s nothing like retro gaming. They’re bundles of nostalgia and wonder.

Hey, is it Friday night yet?

They're like a mini time machine ^_^ — They’re like a mini time machine ^_^

I apologize in advance for the low quality of the video. My camera two years ago was quite crap

My Super Nintendo Genesis

The Super Nintendo celebrates its 25th birthday here in the US! Released in late August of 1991, it’s hard to believe it’s been a quarter century since the SNES has dazzled and delighted an entire generation of gamers. In honor of this grand milestone, I figure now’s as good a time as any to share my first experience with the SNES nearly 25 years ago. The following story was published originally in Rob Strangman’s Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman (2014).

Enjoy! -Steve

Honored to have 5 stories published! — Thanks Rob for publishing my stories!

***

MY SUPER NINTENDO GENESIS

IT’S BEEN SAID that every gamer, regardless of the generation they were born in, recollects back fondly on their gaming childhood. There’s a certain sense of wonder, awe and magic when you combine quality video gaming and the pure innocence of a child. While I love gaming now as an adult, there are pros and cons to gaming as a kid, and gaming as an adult. Although I feel I’ve matured in my gaming tastes over the years, nothing can ever recapture the pure adulation of video game discovery through the impressionable eyes of youth. There was also the fact of perusing through glorious 400 page video game magazines, renting games every weekend and having excess time to game that today is no longer viable, for the most part. So, while every gamer will claim their generation had it best… for me, I can’t think of a better year I’d rather be born in than good ol’ 1983.

Being born in ’83 meant that I grew up, literally, with the classic 8-bit Nintendo. Living with my game loving uncle growing up, he bought a Nintendo for my brother (Kevin) and me circa 1987. I was four years old at the time, and the NES was just beginning to hit its stride and complete domination of the video game market. There was a mom and pop rental shop down the road called Evergreen Video that my dad would take Kevin and me every Saturday afternoon. It was thanks to Evergreen Video (and our local neighborhood friends) that we got to experience such classics like Contra, Mega Man 2, Battletoads, Double Dragon II, TMNT II: The Arcade Game, and Beetlejuice. Wait, no, scratch that last one. Point being, it was a glorious time to be a carefree kid, living in suburban America, enjoying the prime of the 8-bit NES with my brother, our friends and our crazy Uncle Jimmy.

Gotta love the late '80s — Gotta love the late ’80s

But, like all good things in life, it had to come to an end at some point. Even at 7 years old, back in 1990 I could see the writing on the wall for my dear old friend when my uncle bought a Sega Genesis. Sega’s 16-bit monster absolutely blew me away. I remember before Uncle Jimmy bought it I saw it in action for the first time at my friend’s house. Denny showed me the box to Altered Beast, and it was love at first sight. As a staunch lover of all things monster-related, Altered Beast’s sleek box art displaying a savage wolf man amidst a barren wasteland instantly won me over.

“How big do you think the cartridge is?” Denny asked me, with a big grin on his kisser.

“Um, bigger than Nintendo?” I figured since Genesis was clearly a leap in technology that the cartridge needed more room to fit it all in.

Imagine my shock when Denny opened the clamshell to reveal a tiny little cartridge. He plugged the game in. Not 30 seconds later, I had to scrape my jaw off the floor. What I saw that day blew my mind; I knew the future of video gaming had arrived. It’s always hard to see a dear old friend slowly fading away. While my brother and I kept the NES alongside the Genesis, the 8-bit NES went from being my virtual best friend to something of a semi-dust collector. 1990 was definitely the year of the Sega Genesis.

But then, 1991 came. My friends began whispering around late summer of that year about a new Nintendo system coming out. They were touting how it would be the NES on steroids. Hence the name SUPER Nintendo, and that it was going to battle the Sega Genesis for video game supremacy. There seemed to be, in those days and at least in my young 8 year old eyes, a shroud of mystery and mystique surrounding the impending arrival of the SNES. If it truly was going to be the NES to the 10^th power, then heads were going to roll. They say you never forget your first time. I can certainly agree with that.

It was a trip for the ages... — It was a trip for the ages…

December 1991. For Christmas vacation my family drove Kevin and me to Lake Tahoe. Along with four other families, we were going to sleep over together in a gigantic cabin that the parents rented out. Now there’s something you need to understand. This was my gaming crew back in the day. Between the five families you had 16 kids ranging from 5 to 13 years old, and we all shared a love for one another and video gaming. You had the brothers, Tommy and Denny. Denny was the one who first introduced me to the Genesis and Altered Beast. These were the cats that owned all the latest gaming shit you could only dream of having, too. All our parents got along like best friends, and it just so happened that the kids liked each other a lot, too. I could go on and on about those cats that I ran with back in the late ‘80s to late ‘90s. It had to be some of the most legendary sleepovers in the history of mankind. Imagine 10 parents and 16 kids thick as thieves. The parents would talk, reminisce about their glory days, laugh, karaoke and dance up a storm downstairs while the kids would be upstairs gaming or making random silly home videos past the witching hour. I remember times where we even stayed up until 2 AM. Whenever I think of my childhood, I can’t help but think of those gaming brothers and the countless epic memories we forged.

But I digress. Back to that fateful day of late December 1991. We all checked in, put away our things and began scoping out the humongous 3-story cabin. I remember it was freezing. My best friend in the group, Zack, and I were going to share a room with the brothers, Brian and Bryce. I was closest to these three. Within the whole group you had three different sub-groups. I was sort of the “leader” of my sub-group, due to age. My group was the 1983-1986 kids. The other group composed of the kids born from 1978-1981. And then you had the girls in one entirely separate sub-group. I was unpacking my clothes when Zack’s older brother walked in.

I have to pause here and provide a little context on Zack’s older brother. In the years to come following this weekend get away, pretty much everyone in our group affectionately referred to him as Sushi-X. It was due to his fervent love for EGM. Also, he was the best damn Street Fighter II player we ever saw.

He played a mean Ryu. Rarely was he beaten — He played one hell of a Ryu. Rarely was he ever beaten

So enter Sushi-X. He started telling us how our room was haunted. Now, mind you, I was 8 years old at the time and very impressionable. While I loved ghost stories and all that, I never wanted to experience one for real! Sushi-X, you have to understand, was sort of the unspoken ring leader of the group. Everyone respected him; at 13 he was the oldest at that point in time. I always sort of looked up to him as a gaming sensei and a life expert, just because, well, he was 13 and like I said, I was a very impressionable 8 year old child. Sushi-X began telling us this tale of an old lady who once lived in this cabin, and how she slept in the very room that I was going to sleep in that night. He said she committed suicide right here, right where we stood unpacking our clothes. I remember all four of us – myself, Brian, Bryce and Zack – staring at each other in wide-eyed terror. Sushi-X spoke in such a matter-of-fact tone that I think we actually bought his BS lies. Again, the pure innocence of being that young!

He earned that nickname! — He certainly earned that nickname!

Thankfully, Tommy was also sort of an alpha male, and he always matched Sushi-X in stature within the group. Tommy ended the ghost story madness when he rushed into our room and cryptically declared, “Hey guys, if you’re ready to be blown away, come to the living room.”

I remember Sushi-X looking at me like, “Whoa, this gotta be good. Forget this ghost crap, deuces y’all!”

Good old Tommy. He saved the little guys as Sushi-X was the first one to bolt for the door. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as Zack asked me, “Do you think my brother is telling the truth about that ghost lady?” It was all I could think about as the four of us followed behind Tommy and Sushi-X to the living room. As exciting as Tommy’s tease was, I was too preoccupied thinking about whether or not the room I would be sleeping in later that night was, indeed, truly haunted.

Once in the living room, I saw everyone sitting there. In front of us all was a TV and a black zipped bag. All eyes were fixed on Tommy and that bag which conspicuously sat beside him. Like a good brother, Denny was right next to Tommy, with the same big fat grin on his kisser that I had seen the year before when he revealed to me the cartridge size of Altered Beast. Suddenly, I forgot all about the ghost lady as a sensational feeling of excitement raged through every fiber of my being. I knew whatever this announcement might be that it was going to be monumental. Indeed, it would be a historic moment in time for this gaming group and a classic tale to be retold in the generations to come (wink).

“Well, now that everyone is here,” Tommy began, scanning the room and pausing for dramatic effect. He was always such a pro at being a showman. “Denny and I are proud to share with the group what we have brought. It’s inside this bag right here.” Tommy looked down and pointed to the black bag. He was surely milking this moment for all it was worth.

“While we’re still young!” interjected Nathan, the group’s token comedian. Everyone laughed. You could feel the palpable buzz and energy in the room as the moment of truth neared.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Tommy responded. I always admired him for his quick wit and repartee. Plus he certainly was always a straight shooter, never making up scary ghost stories just to rib on others. I’m looking at you, Sushi-X! “Alright, alright,” he continued. “Denny, if you would, bro.”

All 30 eyeballs in the room now shifted to Denny, who leaned over to unzip the bag. He looked at all of us, smiling, as he reached in. “What is it, what is it?!” he joked, as he held his hands in the bag for a solid 10 seconds. Like his brother, Denny knew how to milk a moment! Finally, after all the hoop-la he pulled out the brand new 16-bit Super Nintendo. Gasps erupted from the group along with shouts of joy and shock. No one in our group had yet to own the SNES, and now we just found out that Tommy not only owned one, but it was RIGHT HERE in the flesh ready to be played! The girls rolled their eyes as if to say, “That’s the big deal? Yuck.” They left while the rest of us crowded around the machine, as though we were fawning over a new born baby. We all wanted to be first to hold this new bundle of joy. It was an instant classic. A grand slam. The SNES completely, pardon the pun, changed the game.

What followed were hours and hours of F-Zero and Final Fight being played to death. Since I was in that second sub-group, and as these were single player games (prolonging the wait even further), there was an unspoken pecking order. Classic group dynamite, you understand. Thus, I never got to play either game that night, as the alpha males in the first sub-group (1978-1981) rotated turns. Even my brother got his licks in, and I remember thinking to myself what a miscarriage of justice it all was. Finally, nightfall came. After dinner we did some channel surfing. We came across Godzilla vs. Mothra. I’m a HUGE Godzilla fan, but our token comedian Nathan was doing his best Mystery Science 3000 Theatre impersonation that night, making all of us, including me, laugh our butts off. We had another late night as the group was infamous for, before finally crashing early in the wee morning hours.

Godzilla and SNES -- a great tag team — One of Godzilla’s most memorable reveals

The cabin groaned as I opened my eyes. I sat up and noticed my roommates Zack, Brian and Bryce were nowhere to be found. I chuckled to myself, figuring that they probably woke up early in order to make a beeline for Tommy’s Super Nintendo. I would have done the same if only I hadn’t slept like a hibernating bear. Opening the door, a cold chill instantly swept over me sending shivers up and down my spine. It felt like someone took electrical wires and brushed it across my back. I looked down the hallway, which was cloaked in an eerie darkness. It suddenly resembled a demonic hallway from a horror movie. I called out to my family and friends. No response. I had a Home Alone flashback. Was I, for the first time in my life, home alone? I shouted out again. Silence, except for the odd noises the old cabin was emitting. I began tip-toeing downstairs, making my way to the kitchen. Maybe everyone was at the breakfast table. Somehow, before I even reached the bottom step, I knew it was a false sense of hope. Sure enough, in the kitchen all I found was a note taped to the refrigerator.

I found a note on the fridge... — I found a note on the fridge…

Steve,
Everyone left for brunch. We will be back soon. Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. You had a late night and I wanted you to get the extra rest. Make some Honey Nut Cheerios, and don’t watch too much TV.

Love,
Mom

Fantastic. Now I was trapped all by myself in this… this… THIS CABIN FROM HELL! I opened the fridge to take out the milk and spotted a cold can of 7 Up. Being my favorite soda, I wanted nothing more than to down that sucker right then and there, but I realized if I did I might have to use the restroom, and there was no way I was heading down that demonic looking hallway! Ah, the dilemma of my youth. I relinquished my grip of the can and closed the fridge with milk in hand. The cabin continued hissing, making all manner of strange noises. Boy, it’s so much more amplified when you’re all alone. I suddenly thought of the ghost lady Sushi-X told me about the day before. Damn you, Sushi-X. But, even at 8 years old, I was a fairly resourceful kid. See, I had this theory. Ghosts and spirits would never mess with you if you had the radio or TV on. Any kind of noise would repel them. Hey, I was 8, OK? I made my way over to the living room and immediately turned the TV on. I came across one of my favorite wrestlers, Hulk Hogan, on a WWF show. I always had an affinity for pro wrestling. I loved the larger than life characters and the in-ring artistry and mayhem. Seeing the Hulkster ramble on in one of his classic pre-taped backstage interviews, talking about praying, training and eating your vitamins was more than enough to make me forget about my current quandary: I was the lone prisoner stuck inside the cabin from hell.

I felt a grim presence that dreary morning... — I felt a grim presence that dreary morning…

But then, without warning, the show came to a close. I immediately felt unnerved by the dreadful atmosphere of the cabin. Have you ever felt a PRESENCE in the room with you? That someone, or SOMETHING, was watching you from the shadows? That’s exactly how I felt on that cold and dreary December morning of 1991. And then, it happened. My eyes spotted Tommy’s Super Nintendo lying on the floor. Of course! I was shaking but this time, it wasn’t because of the freezing temperature or my fear of what might have lurked in the shadowy cabin corridors. I was shaking because this was a historic moment, a monumental moment of firsts: first time being home alone, and first time experiencing the almighty Super Nintendo for myself in ALL its glory. Hey, it’s true what they say… you never forget your first time.

Powering up F-Zero, I was instantly transported to Mode-7 Heaven. Every single racing track blew my mind. I couldn’t believe how fast it played, and how AMAZING the game looked. And that MUSIC… oh man, it would haunt me forever in a way that would make any spirit of that cabin, if there were any at all, extremely jealous. F-Zero led me from thinking about ghosts to obsessing over intergalactic racing warfare! Later I plugged in Final Fight and found myself saving the good citizens of Metro City one jaw-dropping stage after another, as I smeared the streets with the blood of the hooligans from the Mad Gear Gang. I had never seen such state-of-the-art arcade-like graphics before. The characters were unbelievably HUGE and at times I found myself wondering, “WHERE THE HECK IS THE COIN SLOT?!”

The visuals blew me away back in '91 — The visuals blew me away back in ’91

I played both F-Zero and Final Fight with a grand deal of euphoria until my family and friends came back. Yes, part of me was ecstatic to no longer be alone in the cabin from hell, but something funny happened during my inaugural play through with the Super Nintendo. It made me forget about malicious ghosts and evil spirits. Instead, it transported me to the future of video gaming, where you could snap a bastard’s neck in two and soar 200 feet across a race track suspended high above a futuristic city – all in stunning graphics and sound. The new generation of gaming had officially arrived, and it was nothing short of awesome. I never looked back.

Now, nearly 25 years later since that epic and infamous family-friend weekend to Lake Tahoe, I still remember certain aspects of the trip as if it happened only yesterday. I remember the big snowball fight we waged against one another. And how Zack, Brian, Bryce and I got a SMALL measure of revenge on Sushi-X when we caught him off guard and pelted him with four lumpy snowballs in stereo. I remember trying to ski and falling on my ass, making me look like that which I fell on. I recall how freezing and creepy the cabin was, especially during the night time and how you would get chills up and down your spine whenever crossing one of its various “cold spots.” Hell, I remember being ditched for breakfast! But most of all, I will always remember, with great affection, a real deep fondness of the first time I ever experienced the Super Nintendo. It’s a precious memory that will remain embedded in my gaming heart even decades from now, long after the Tahoe snow has faded.

I still keep in touch with the old gaming crew, but like many things in life, it’ll never be like how it was once upon a time. I guess that’s why many fondly refer to those halcyon days as the good old days. But, rather than weeping over times that have long passed, I rejoice that I was fortunate enough to be there when it happened. As I said at the beginning, most folks like to claim their generation as the best because each person’s childhood is unique and precious to them. Likewise, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the years 1987 to 1995 was a special time growing up in suburban America. I basically grew up alongside the 8-bit Nintendo, the 16-bit Sega Genesis AND the Super Nintendo. It was a spectacular period in gaming’s history, and there’s a reason many fondly refer to that time as the “Golden Age of Gaming.” All in all, I considered myself pretty dang lucky.

***

Happy 25th birthday, SNES. Thank you for supplying us with an epic quarter century of awesome games and even better memories. Here’s to another gawd damn 25 years!

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs (SNES)

**Pub: Tradewest | Dev: Rare | June 1993 | 8 MEGS**

The Super Nintendo in the early-mid ’90s was where all your old 8-bit favorites went on to become immortalized. Taking everything that made the 8-bit classics so great and adding some 16-bit horsepower to the mix often times made for an even better game. Sadly though, not all 16-bit sequels lived up to the hype. And in some cases, they even fell way short. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s rewind the clock back to the summer of 1991…

LEAN, MEAN AND GREEN

No NES loving kid in the early '90s could ever forget this — No NES loving kid could ever forget this

When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon hit airwaves back in 1987, it sparked a revolution. It wasn’t long before we saw other similar mutant animal factions sprout up overnight like a bad pimple [I see what you did there -Ed.] on prom night. The first time I laid eyes on the Battletoads box at Evergeeen Video one hot June afternoon in 1991, I was hooked. Instead of beating up foot soldiers, you took on mutant rats. Instead of playing as turtles, you played as some badass toads. The game immediately grabbed my attention. No sooner then did I take it to the counter for the old man to rent.

At the time my bro and I were obsessed with Double Dragon II — My bro and I were obsessed with *Double Dragon II*

Double Dragon II was our jam. My uncle bought us a copy and we played it to death. Back then there was nothing like kicking in skulls and cleaning up the streets with a buddy in tow. As far as my 7-year-old self was concerned, nothing could top that. A jump kick here. An uppercut there. I was a pig in mud.

So many nights spent glued to the TV screen... — So many nights spent…

Double Dragon II was the pinnacle of NES beat ‘em ups. So my brother and I were excited to try out Battletoads especially coming off the heels of the very disappointing Double Dragon III sequel (February 1991).

It didn’t match the sheer awesomeness of Double Dragon II, but we definitely had our fair share of fun with Battletoads. One has to give it some credit for being different. At its heart you have another beat ‘em up, but it did a few quirky things here and there that has stood out in my mind even 25 years later. Whoa, speaking of which, I just realized NES Battletoads turned 25 two months ago. Cue the obligatory “Damn do I feel old now” comment.

Stick it where the sun don't shine — Stick it where the sun don’t shine

Just look at this enemy. Very unconventional looking. Not only that but you can break its legs, take one and beat bad guys with said leg. It’s utterly ridiculous, but all part of that weird, unique Battletoads charm.

Unfortunately, Battletoads is also known for its gross difficulty, particularly that infamous air bike section. You know the one I’m talking about. Even to this day, it’s still referred to as one of the hardest sections a video game has ever seen. But hey, maybe in the 16-bit sequel they’ll reduce the difficulty, or get rid of it altogether, right? Right…

Things start out well enough. Unfortunately you can’t pick the toad you want to use. Player 1 always uses Pimple while Player 2 uses Rash. Zitz was captured in the game intro. Kind of a downer you couldn’t just select from any three, but whatever. It’s fun seeing Pimple transform his fist into a stone hammer the very first time.

As well as this. It starts out being quite comical, and satisfying. That is until more than one enemy shows up, and the time it takes to produce such exaggerated animations begin to cost you. Enemies can easily score cheap hits because of these overblown moves, and they’re no longer as fun to watch the 10th time. Which proves to me sometimes you just can’t beat good old fashioned efficiency and practicality. These are fun gimmicks, indeed, but not very effective ones in the long run.

I do like though how the run option requires no double tapping. Just hold left or right for a little bit and your toad starts sprinting. Very handy for sections such as these.

I love the exploding volcanoes in the backdrop of this stage. And all the excessive lava flowing around everywhere. It sets a pretty nice tone.

Ah, here’s something more practical for ya. Surrounded by enemies? Smash both of them away at the same time. Very efficient, and satisfying.

Shades of Golden Axe if you ask me! Try to knock these bozos off that little cliff there. Always a great feeling when you manage to pull it off.

Not a big fan of level design like this. You know, where certain sections of the landscape give way and you have to be in the clear or else lose a life. Always felt cheap to me and particularly unnecessary in a beat ‘em up. There’s just no place for it.

Love Pimple’s reaction there. The game definitely has a sense of humor to it, and I’m sure I would have enjoyed it more if the game was more sensible rather than annoyingly cheap and difficult, which later on it does become.

Speaking of annoying, be careful not to be squashed. If you are, you turn into a quivering pancake, and your sprite will wobble around the screen. Thankfully you can control it but you do run the risk of waddling right off the cliff and thus lose a life if you’re not careful. It just adds another point to the annoyance meter for me.

The final blow ends in a Michael Bay slow motion explosion. Quite dramatic and lovely. It’s a shame this first level is really the only true “beat ‘em up” level in the entire game. Yes, sad but true. This caught me off guard the first time. Stages 2-6 are all gimmicky bullshit that involves rides of one kind or another, and really take away from the enjoyment of the game. Honestly felt like I was duped. A classic case of bait and switch if I ever saw one before.

No kidding... — No kidding on the real challenge

And so it begins. Your descent into gimmicky rides galore. At first it was like “OK, cool, they’re switching it up for stage 2 for some needed variety.” But then you realize these gimmicky scrolling stages never stop, much to the detriment of the overall game enjoyment.

Another glaring flaw is when playing with two players, should any one of the players die, the game resets to the beginning of the stage. How is that fair? How is that a good idea? Answer: it’s not fair, and it’s not a good idea. It practically makes it unplayable with two because of that. Sigh, there’s just so much that they got wrong with this one.

This part was just BS, too. At first it’s manageable, but soon the screen speeds up and you essentially have no chance in hell but to experience a completely cheap death that relies mostly on luck. The screen scrolls way too fast and your sprite is way too big, leaving you little room to react as well as little wiggle room. A terrible combination that isn’t fun but rather incompetently designed. Stuff like this really detracts from the game.

The bonus stages are OK, though. I like riding across the reflective surface there. It’s got a cool look to it. And it’s fun trying to collect as many of the good pins as you can while avoiding the bad ones. I just wish there were more regular beat ‘em up levels.

The infamous air bike section is back. And it’s as hard as ever. I’m sorry but this just isn’t fun. It’s way too hard for its own good. I don’t mind a legitimately stiff challenge as long as it’s reasonably fair and well thought out. This is not. It’s just borderline over the top ridiculous.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs received some amazing reviews when it came out over 23 years ago. EGM gave it scores of 9, 8, 8 and 8. GameFan rated it 94, 96, 99 and 99%. Wow. GameFan was notorious for handing out high scores like free condiments, and this is a pretty prime example of such. Two 99 scores for a game with its fair share of flaws — who knows what they were smoking back in the summer of ’93? Finally, Super Play Magazine scored it 80%.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Sorry, just not a fan... — Sorry, just not a fan…

Earlier this summer I finally sat down to play Battletoads in Battlemaniacs for really the first time. Sure, I’m certain I had played it here and there for five minutes back in the early-mid ’90s, but I don’t recall ever thoroughly playing it. Needless to say, being a fan of the NES original, I came into this with lofty expectations. Imagine my shock when this turned out to be one of the most disappointing Super Nintendo games I have ever played. It’s not the worst game. But in terms of disappointing? Sadly I have to say it ranks up there. After a decent first stage of good ol’ beat ‘em up action, the game decides for some absurd reason to turn into a scrolling gimmicky ride. I just want to move from left to right and punch anything that comes in my way.

At least it's two player... — At least it’s two player…

I can appreciate a game with a tough challenge. But when it crosses the line like it does here, it just feels wrong. This game simply didn’t sit well with me outside of its visuals and music. Honestly, this game reminds me of a sleazy bait and switch. I came in expecting NES Battletoads on steroids. And it starts out decently enough. But as soon as that bloody second level hits, the game takes off its mask and says, “HA! TRICKED YA! THANKS FOR THE FIFTY BUCKS, BITCHES!” I’ve played a ton of SNES games in the past quarter century. There are some bad games in that lot, for sure, but Battletoads in Battlemaniacs was the last game I expected to be this disappointing. Not sure if I would have liked it more back in 1993 (perhaps it’s aged very poorly), but this game is frustrating and broken. Not my idea of a good time or a game anywhere near deserving of a 99% or a 9 out of 10 score. If you like it, more power to ya. But this goes down as one of the most botched NES to SNES efforts I have ever seen. Oh well. Can’t win ‘em all. At least Battletoads & Double Dragon was somewhat playable and enjoyable…

Graphics: 8
Sound: 8
Gameplay: 4
Longevity: 4

Overall: 4.0

The Mask (SNES)

Pub and Dev: Black Pearl | Oct. '95 | 16 MEGS — **Pub + Dev: Black Pearl Software | Oct. ’95 | 16 MEGS**

It’s almost been 22 years since Jim Carrey’s The Mask hit theaters. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. So many people remember the movie, but how many people remember the video game? Coming out toward the back end of the Super Nintendo’s life span, it came and went with little to zero fanfare. Is it a classic case of a game that has been wrongly overlooked, or is it an exhibit of a licensed effort that just isn’t very good? Let’s take a look and unmask the mystery [You’re fired -Ed.]

“SOMEBODY STOP ME!”

Jim Carrey could do no wrong in 1994 — Jim Carrey simply could do no wrong in 1994

In 1994, Michael Jordan went to play baseball, Bill Clinton was accused of sexual harassment, and OJ Simpson killed his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman before taking off in a white Bronco down 91 Freeway [So not going there -Ed.]. And nobody could stop Jim Carrey. It was in ’94 that Carrey became a star with films such as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb and Dumber, and THE MASK. He was Hollywood’s NEW golden boy, and the world was his oyster. Carrey’s 3 films grossed more than a total of 700 million worldwide. Most actors could only dream of half that success over an entire career, let alone one year! Of those films, The Mask is my favorite. Its wacky, over-the-top hero was perfectly portrayed and produced. And no one else could have brought the Mask character to life quite like Jim Carrey. My old gaming crew and I went to see the film in theaters on Saturday, July 30, 1994. I remember that fateful Saturday afternoon well. After all, when you’re 10, there’s nothing quite like seeing summer blockbusters with your best pals. It’s a childhood necessity as sure as riding roller coasters and navigating haunted houses.

When you were a kid, the words movie magic really meant something. There was a certain aura about going to the movies as a young child that can’t be replicated. You got swept up in the whole process. Of hopping into the old family van, staring at the movie titles gleaming on the marquee, gawking at the larger-than-life movie posters as you sidle over to the popcorn and candy section. Finally, entering the theater and seeing that humongous silver screen (remember how big it seemed when you were a kid?), and red plush seats that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles. It was all part of the magic of going to the movies.

Game is surprisingly faithful to the film

A bit of interesting trivia: in the original comics, the Mask was created by an African tribe. But in the movie, it was made by Loki, the Norse God of mischief.

Jim Carrey plays mild-mannered bank clerk, Stanley Ipkiss — Jim plays mild-mannered bank clerk, Stanley Ipkiss

The film debut of Cameron Diaz (whew...) — The film debut of Cameron Diaz (whew…)

Every straight male's reaction — Every straight male’s reaction

I had a huge crush on the Pink Ranger BUT THIS... — I had a huge crush on the Pink Ranger BUT THIS…

Now that's what you call a bombshell. I was in love — Now that’s what you call a bombshell. I was in love

Tina Carlyle, you make my heart sing... — Tina Carlyle, you make my heart sing…

I was shakin' as much as Stanley was! — I was shaking as much as Stanley was!

Down on his luck, he's about make a grand discovery — Down on his luck, he’s set to make a big discovery

Many people live behind masks. Stanley literally — Many people live behind masks. Stanley, literally

It's no Jurassic Park but its CGI impressed me — It’s no Jurassic Park but its CGI impressed me

Hey this reminds me of something... — Hey this reminds me of something…

Goosebumps = the Harry Potter of the mid '90s — *Goosebumps* = the *Harry Potter* of the mid ’90s

Stanley turns into the Haunted Mask. Wait, no, sorry, that was Carly Beth. But true story, when I first saw the previews for the Mask, I thought it was a rip-off of R.L. Stine’s Haunted Mask. Little did I know then that the Mask started out as a comic book originally. If anything, Mr. Stine drew inspiration from the comic. Nevertheless, I LOVED me some Goosebumps back in the day!

As a kid the TV show gave me the heebie-jeebies

Nor did Stanley turn into this. The '80s rocked — Nor did Stanley turn into this. The ’80s rocked

MAPQUEST

Make your way through Edge City's 7 levels — Make your way through Edge City’s 7 levels

LEVEL 1: STANLEY’S APARTMENT

And it’s been recreated perfectly here. Smash weak floors to open up new areas.

Or use it to crush things. It's equally satisfying — Or use it to crush things. It’s equally satisfying

How shall I approach this? Hmm... — How shall I approach this? Hmm…

Does this look like a face you can trust?

OK… soooo… that didn’t work out too well. Hmm, let’s try a different strategy…

Brings back memories of DON'T WAKE DADDY! — Brings back memories of DON’T WAKE DADDY!

Low health? Don't wanna fight? Then tip-toe! — Low health? Don’t wanna fight? Then tip-toe!

The Mask has many special abilities. He can morph into a raging tornado, leap 20 feet in the air, or bust out his collection of firearms. The downside being that all of these special moves will quickly drain your Morph points. You’d do well to save them only for sticky situations. When faced against the regular bad guys throughout the game’s stages, you’ll most likely be punching them to oblivion. It doesn’t eat away at your Morph points, and it’s serviceable enough on the lower tier enemies. I wouldn’t dare suggest punching against the bosses though! The enemies as you can see here look a bit strange, and the animation is awkward.

[Yes, we all do. We ALL do... *looks at Steve* -Ed.] — *[Yes, we all do. We ALL do… *looks at Steve* -Ed.]*

Now to get around, besides breaking certain sections of the floor to create new playing space, you also move about through the usage of elevators and various teleport warps, like vents. The type of teleport depends on the stage’s theme. In the forest for example, you can teleport through the hollows in the trees.

I like the warping aspect. It puts a twist on things; this is definitely not your typical hop ‘n bop licensed platformer. Teleport points give the levels a decent maze-like feel. If nothing else, bonus points for attempting to be different.

You have 500 points for your health and Morph magic. Collect hearts to regain vitality. Collect M’s scattered throughout to boost back up your Morph points. Different special moves eat up a certain amount of points. Guns cost you 100, f’rinstance. Once you hit 0, it slowly replenishes to 50, similar to Earthworm Jim (Jim’s ammo crawls back to 100 after hitting 0). Nice of them to throw us a bone.

The game exaggerates this look even further

Cranky Shotgun Lady from the movie is the first boss — Cranky Shotgun Lady from the movie

They even capture his alien-like free fall look

LEVEL 2: THE MEAN STREETS OF EDGE CITY

[You might want to double check those lyrics... -Ed.] — *[You might want to double check those lyrics… -Ed.]*

What's in the bag there? Ever seen AUDITION... — What’s in the bag there? Ever seen *AUDITION*…

Look, it's Milo the Wonder Dog! — Look, it’s Milo the Wonder Dog!

It definitely doesn't look like your typical SNES game — It definitely doesn’t look like a typical SNES game

LEVEL 3: THE MEAN STREETS IN ANOTHER PART OF TOWN

It looks more like a Genesis game than SNES

LEVEL 4: PARK PLACE

It's nice to see GODZILLA making a special cameo! — Nice seeing GODZILLA make a special cameo!

See you later this month (SHIN GOJIRA 7.29.16) — See you later this month (*SHIN GOJIRA* 7.29.16)

Controversy reared its ugly head when Jim Carrey chose not to promote his role in the film Kick-Ass 2. With the recent Sandy Hook tragedy, Carrey felt the film was TOO violent and refused to promote it. It stirred some rumblings among his fellow cast members who had varying opinions on Carrey’s sudden change of heart. The movie certainly wasn’t too violent when he was getting paid big bucks for his role in the film. Needless to say, Carrey isn’t remembered for this particular masked role…

Film authenticity FTW. Well done, Black Pearl

LEVEL 5: JAILHOUSE ROCK

Electric grids must first be turned off by hitting a switch. Some of the switches are readily visible next to a grid while others are placed a ways away. In such cases, you have to hightail it. The switch is effective only for a short time. This requires precision and no wasted movement on your part.

Really, pal? Well... THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY! — Really, pal? Well… THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY!

It eats up your Morph points in a hurry, though — It eats up your Morph points fast, though

We all know how this one ends for Bobby but Bobby — We all know how this ends for Bobby but Bobby

LEVEL 6: SUCKY SEWERS

This level is not very fun. In fact, it’s kind of a pain. Multiple warp points during the long free falls will drive you mad, for instance. You know it’s bad when the game developers didn’t include a boss on this level — they knew just finding the exit was hard enough in and of itself. That’s really all you need to know…

LEVEL 7: CLUB COCO BONGO

Just like the film, the last fight takes place here

Trying to squeeze into the vent can be maddening — Trying to squeeze into that vent can be annoying

Warp points gave the game a bit of a fun maze-like feel — Warp points gives it a bit of a fun maze-like feel

1994's most overused line. Thanks, MASK — 1994’s most overused line. Thanks, *MASK*

"SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!" — *“SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!”*

“STANLEY! I knew you would come save me!”

“S-S-S-S-SMOKIN’!”

“Yeah, alright, I know. Now quick, untie me!”

“I’m getting some funky ideas here, Tina…”

“WE CAN DO THAT LATER! But if Dorian –“

CODEBREAKER

Game a little too hard for your liking? Wished you had infinite lives, health or morphing powers? Desire to skip stages? With this simple cheat, you can do all of that. SMOKIN’!

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

On his way to the top, Carrey collected fat stacks — Jim Carrey struck gold in 1994

The video game flew under the radar. EGM gave it scores of 6.5, 6.5, 6.5 and 7.5. The movie, however, was very well received. In 1994, The Mask became the second highest grossing superhero movie since BATMAN. Although it’s been outdone since ’94, The Mask remains a fan favorite among movie goers both young and old alike. Made on a budget of 23 million, it went on to gross more than 350 million worldwide. Siskel and Ebert gave it two thumbs up and listed it on their “Best of 1994″ list. That was a big year for Jim Carrey, as he starred in 3 films: Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber, and The Mask. But it was the latter that did the best both commercially and critically. The Mask launched Jim Carrey into superstardom, sending him through the stratosphere as a major Hollywood player. Along the way he collected a lot of big bucks. The Mask also launched previously unknown Cameron Diaz into a leading lady of the silver screen. She went on to have a huge film career for the next 20 years. Not bad, eh?

"YOU LOVE ME! YOU REALLY LOVE ME!" — *“YOU LOVE ME! YOU REALLY LOVE ME!”*

CLOSING THOUGHTS

The movie: SMOKIN'! The SNES game: SO-SO! — The movie: SMOKIN’! The SNES game: SO-SO!

The Mask does a nice job of replicating the feel of the film. Some licensed titles take a lot of liberty, but that isn’t the case here. Because of this, the video game has a silly comic book like feel. It comes off very authentic, and you feel like you’re really “being” the Mask character, with all of his unique reality bending abilities. This is a major plus. However, on the downside, you have the visuals, which for a game released in late ’95, isn’t even up to 1992 SNES standards. THE MASK looks great and animates well, but the enemies are fugly and animate with the grace of a cardboard. I wish they spent more time on these characters as they clearly did with the Mask. The sound captures that cartoon-ish aspect of the Mask’s world nicely. The music is not anything to write home about.

The game plays decently enough, with some levels being executed better than others. It’s nice they tried something different other than the standard hop and bop that so many licensed games seemingly turn to. The Mask comes off as a weird hybrid of a beat ‘em up and an action platformer. The boss battles are limited, though, due to the IMMENSE size of the characters in the game. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for actual gameplay skills. It’s truly then just a matter of standing back and firing off all your special attacks until your Morph points hit 0. Using his boxing gloves is tough since he’s such a big target, plus the bosses have long ranged attacks. Thus, the boss battles are largely unsatisfying, and that’s a shame because some of the levels themselves can provide for a mindless hour of mild entertainment, with various warp points and being able to live out the Mask’s larger than life, over-the-top shenanigans. He’s a fun and charismatic creature to control. You could do far worse than The Mask as far as games on the Super Nintendo go, but there’s plenty better out there. All in all, this game is pretty much middle of the road. I wouldn’t go out of my way to actively look for a copy but if you come across it for 5 bucks or less, it’s not a bad add to your SNES collection… especially if you liked the film 20+ years ago.

Graphics: 5
Sound: 6
Gameplay: 5.5
Longevity: 5

Overall: 5.5

I WISH YOU WOULD STEP BACK…

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to SEE ME AGAIN,
I would understand.

The angry boy, a bit TOO insane.
Icin’ over a secret pain.
You know you don’t belong.
You’re the first to fight; you’re way too loud.
You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud.
I know something’s wrong.
Well everyone I know has got a reason… to say,
PUT THE PAST AWAY.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…
You could… cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in.
And if you do not want to SEE ME AGAIN…

[Wait just a damn second here. I saw this scene in a game before… -Ed.]

The Tale of the Lonely Ghost

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned ghost story on a cool summer night. It’s a time-honored tradition to tell spooky ghost tales by the campfire — macabre stories of things that go bump in the night. It takes us right back to our childhood. Be it Bloody Mary or vengeful spirits, a great scary story is sure to leave a mark… hopefully only figuratively and not literally…

Asked to link my ample fascination with anything supernatural, I can trace it back to one man: Uncle Jimmy. Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s when he lived with us, he was full of energy and full of life. On many weekend nights we camped out in our backyard. Uncle Jimmy pulled out three lawn chairs that folded out like makeshift beds. Along with my brother Kevin, the three of us would lay back and take in the nice warm summer night air, admiring the stars blinking in the night sky. Uncle Jimmy wove grandiose tales ranging from random anecdotes, fables, and my personal fave, his infamous stories of the supernatural. No one told ghost stories quite like Uncle Jimmy. Hey we’re talking about the same guy here who introduced me to John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN when I was only six years old! For at least a solid hour, if not two, we hung onto every last word that came out of his mouth. You can never get those serene and idyllic summer nights back, no matter how much you want to…

My bro and I were haunted by an old witch in our dreams — My bro and I were haunted by a hag in our dreams

Uncle Jimmy’s twisted ghost tales never ceased to scare the heebie jeebies out of me. Long before creepy ladies with long flowing hair became a staple in the horror movie genre, Uncle Jimmy was king of that domain. Almost all of his stories featured a creepy lady. It’s no wonder one of my recurring nightmares as a young child involved a decrepit old woman always stalking me. The scary thing — my brother had the same nightmares of the very same hag. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat — the nightmare always ending right as the old lady had my arm in a vice-like grip. I turned on the light, only to find a mark on my arm. (Of course, I slept on my arm, but I was too young to know any better). You would think I’d tell Uncle Jimmy to stop telling us his spooky stories, but it was an addiction. Eventually, the old lady disappeared from my nightmares for good. I guess I was finally able to beat the beast. My brother and I randomly talk about the old lady in our nightmares once in a blue moon to this day. The description of her and the scenarios we found ourselves in in the nightmares always frighteningly mirrored each other. Freddy Krueger? Please. Freddy can’t hold a candle to the hag that often haunted the nightmares of my youth. Hmmm, come to think of it, she was a lot like the creepy old woman from Insidious 2. I’m getting goosebumps now, so let us move on…

One of the most classic shows of my childhood

Imagine my sheer joy when Are You Afraid of the Dark? debuted on Nickelodeon on a summer night of 1992. Uncle Jimmy moved out in the Spring of ’92, so I was missing my weekly supernatural supplement. This show did more than well to fill that void. In fact, and don’t tell my dear ole uncle Jimmy this, between you and me, at times it was even better. Sure, it’s fun to use your imagination to form pictures in your head as a storyteller weaves his or her tale, but you know, sometimes, you just can’t beat the effectiveness of picture and sound. Are You Afraid of the Dark? became a hit show among young viewers. It became an instant hit cult classic overnight in my small little town. Everyone was raving about it, and anyone who was anyone watched it religiously. Yes folks, before Nickelodeon became crap, it was once legendary. And shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark? were among the main reasons why.

The show's intro haunts me to this day — The show’s intro haunts me to this day

You remember the unsettling intro, don’t cha? The swish-swoosh of a single abandoned rowboat against a soft eerie glow… with that infamous theme creeping into your living room…

The spooky swaying of the empty swing set... — The spooky swaying of an empty swing set…

A loose shutter banging loudly against an upstairs window... — A loose shutter banging loudly…

... and the creepy evil grin of a dummy in the attic — … and the creepy evil grin of a dummy in the attic

"I JUST VANT TO BE FRIENDS!" — *“I JUST VANT TO BE FRIENDS!”*

Oh yeah, the show spooked more than just a few kids. And that’s why we loved it so much. For a kid show, they sure could have fooled us! Many a sleepless nights came courtesy of this little gem of a show. Each week there was a new half hour spooky episode to sink your teeth into. From phantoms to Nosferatu, the show did not discriminate against any vengeful spirit of the occult family.

I’m not ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion, the show absolutely scared the crap out of me. For a kid show, some of the visuals, like that screaming girl being swallowed underneath her bed, sent unspeakable shivers down your spine and left a lasting image in your head. I still remember to this day my bro and I screaming when this floating specter appeared in the window. That night we slept in our parents’ room! No shame at all, hey, we were kids!

As a kid I always wanted to join the Midnight Society — As a kid I always wanted to join the *Midnight Society*

And the show could have just been simple ghost stories each week but no. It was more than that. It featured a cast of young teenagers (teenagers you could find on any block in America) who met up once a week in an undisclosed location deep in the woods to swap ghostly tales by the crackling of a campfire. They were called the Midnight Society, and each week a different member shared their story. Amazingly, for the little air time they received, each character managed to carve out a distinguishable personality for viewers to pick their favorites. They even had story themes that were somewhat unique to their style. There was your tall and tough guy, the geeky ring leader that was the “glue” of the group, the tomboy, the “princess” girl, and so on.

It was a simple, effective set up each week

I love the way they opened up each episode, talking up their story dramatically before fading to the really good stuff. There were even subplots to the Midnight Society characters; crushes and pseudo rivalries, just like any dynamic you would find with any group of teenagers. The show made you feel like you were sitting by the campfire as well. It just had a personable touch to it that grabbed you and didn’t let go — even long after it went off the air. Tonight, I’m proud to bring you one of my favorite episodes from the Dark vault. It’s the third episode, originally aired on August 29, 1992… it’s called… The Tale of the Lonely Ghost.

Enjoy

“AHHH!”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“DAVID! Don’t do that!”

“Sorry, I just wanted to catch you before the meeting… to uh, UH –“

“To what?”

“Happy Birthday.”

“David, how did you know my birthday’s next week? I don’t know what to say — thank you. Um, we’re late, I’ll open it after the meeting OK?”

“OK.”

“JERK! I could have choked!”

“Go ahead, take your best shot.”

“Come on guys, lighten up.”

“Sorry I’m late.”

"Start fast, the natives are restless" — *“Start fast, the natives are restless”*

“My story’s got to do with… two kids… who don’t get along, because they’re so different from each other. And a love… that is SO strong, it can survive anything… even DEATH.”

“Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story…”

It was the beginning of summer vacation, and every kid in town was psyched. Every kid, except Amanda Cameron that is.

Her mom and dad were some kind of scientists, who had to travel up north to study Inuit stone carvings. So, Amanda was shipped off to her Aunt Dottie’s place for the summer.

“We’re here, everybody out!”

“Oh shoot. Sweetie, what in the world did your mother put in here?”

“Books.”

“Books? Feels like you’ve got a whole set of encyclopedias!”

“Beth! Beth lovely! Your cousin Amanda is here! Could you give us a hand?”

“She must be on the phone again. We’ll just do this ourselves.”

Unfortunately for Amanda, spending a whole summer with Cousin Beth was going to be even LESS fun than staring at a bunch of old rocks with her mom and dad for two months.

“What was that?!”

“What was what?”

“That banging, coming from OVER THERE!”

“Ohhh, not that place sweetie, no one’s been in there for years. I should know, I’m the real estate agent. I can’t even get people to look at the place. I just wish it would…”

“Sometimes I think this house just doesn’t want to be SOLD! Come on, let’s get you inside and unpacked.”

“You should see what she’s wearing. My mom better not expect me to babysit that dweeb all summer.”

*knock knock*

“She’s here, I gotta go.”

“Look who’s here, honey. Come on in Mandy.”

“Hi Beth.”

“You’ll be sharing Beth’s room so the two of you can stay up all night giggling and talking. This is where Nanny used to sleep when Beth was little. Well, I’ll leave you two alone to get reacquainted. Have fun!”

*Aunt Dottie leaves*

“I suppose she told you we’re going to do all sorts of fun stuff together.”

“WROOONG! If you think I’m gonna hang with you all summer, yer NUTS.”

“I don’t think she means for you to hang with JUST me; we could do stuff with your friends.”

TotLG36 — *“You don’t even know my friends”*

“They can get to know me.”

“Why? It’s not like just ANYONE can hang with us. You have to prove you’re not a zeeb.”

“How does one prove that they’re not a zeeb?”

“OK look, you wanna hang with us? You gotta follow the rules.”

“What rules?”

“OK, first off, I don’t even wanna know that you’re here. That means putting all of my animal collection back every day in the exact right places. IN FACT, I don’t feel like having my room look like a disaster all day, SO DO IT NOW. And you can’t go crying to mom or Nanny EVER, no matter what happens. Got it?”

“Fine, I’ll put every thing back in the right order every day and I won’t snitch. Easy!”

TotLG39 — *“Then there’s the most important thing…”*

“What’s that?”

“The initiation.”

“Initiation?”

“OH YEAH. Anyone who wants to hang out with us… has to spend the night alone… in the place next door… it’s HAUNTED.”

“Dear Mom and Dad, I hope you’re having a good time. I am, too.”

"You must be Amanda..." — *“You must be Amanda…”*

“NOOOO! If you touch her contaminated wrinkly old hand I’ll never let you touch my things again!”

*creepy frenetic music as Nanny scurries away*

"DON'T YOU EVER TALK TO HER!" — *“DON’T YOU EVER TALK TO HER!”*

“Who is she?”

“My nanny, and I want her gone!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m TOO old for a nanny, and she’s SO weird — I hate how she’s ALWAYS watching me!”

"She seems kind of sad to me..." — *“She seems kind of sad to me…”*

“She’s crazy, REALLY crazy. I know for a fact there’s something funny with her and the haunted place next door. I heard my parents talking once. I think she must have been driven insane by the ghost… which reminds me, there’s a pool party at Sally’s on Saturday, I suppose you wanna come.”

“Don’t get too excited, you can’t come unless you go through the initiation.”

“The night in the haunted house?”

TotLG56 — *“You got it. Tomorrow night. **Pleasant dreams**“*

"You dropped this" — *“You dropped this”*

“Is that Beth’s laundry?”

“Oh that’s OK, it won’t take me long.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

“SHE’S SO WEIRD, and I’m too old for a nanny. Why doesn’t she just leave?“

“I’m not gonna argue. I told you before. She has nowhere to go, I wish she did but she doesn’t.”

“There you are honey! Sleeping in? Now Beth, I don’t want to hear any more rudeness. See you girls later.”

*Aunt Dottie exits*

“I’m going roller skating. DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF… oh, and don’t forget… tonight’s the night.”

*fade to commercial*

Time for a quick word from our sponsors…

"Why does everyone think it's haunted anyway?" — *“Why does everyone think it’s haunted anyway?”*

“They DON’T THINK it’s haunted, they KNOW it’s haunted… and this is why. A long long time ago, there was a little girl who lived there. All the kids made fun of her, because she couldn’t talk.”

“Why couldn’t she talk?”

“… I dunno. She just… couldn’t.”

“Maybe she was deaf?”

“It doesn’t matter, JUST LISTEN!”

“Sorry.”

“Anyway, one day… her mom got a letter… from her dad… who was away in the war… had gotten sick. So she sent the little girl to go stay with her grandmother while she went away to take care of him. Only the little girl didn’t make it to her grandmother’s… because on the way, some mean kids surrounded her, and teased her.”

“She ran back home to get away from them, and they followed her… followed her RIGHT into her very own home. They locked the little girl in her bedroom…”

“What happened?”

“No one knew she was there. Her mother didn’t come back for weeks, and her grandmother didn’t even know she was coming. When they found her, she was DEAD.”

"And that's where you have to go: her BEDROOM" — *“And that’s where you have to go. Her BEDROOM”*

"We'll know you're in there by the light, from this" — *“We’ll know you’re in there by the light, from this”*

"The keys to the front door" — *“The keys to the front door”*

“Won’t Aunt Dottie miss them?”

“No way… no one ever calls to see the place… it’s just… TOO scary…”

*Amanda hesitates*

“You… COULD turn chicken… if you rather spend the whole summer alone… reading.”

“No… I’m going in. I don’t believe in ghosts anyway.”

“Neither did we… until we spent the night in there…”

“What a dweeb! She really thinks we all did this!”

*The girls run off giggling*

"Very funny y-you guys..." — *“Very funny y-you guys…”*

“I know that’s just you t-trying to s-scare me…”

"It's backwards.... HELP ME??" — *“It’s backwards…. HELP ME??”*

***Amanda takes off running and screaming***

"Where did Beth go?" — *“Where did Beth go?”*

“Beth went to Sally’s for the whole night. Aunt Dottie was working late.”

"That means Amanda was home alone with Nanny..." — *“That means Amanda was home alone with Nanny…”*

“She should have stayed with the ghost. Now she’s alone with a LUNATIC.”

“Nanny isn’t a lunatic. Beth just told Amanda that to scare her, but you PROBABLY didn’t get that… did you?”

“Guys, come on. So what happened, Dave?”

“When Aunt Dottie came home, Amanda told her everything that happened.”

“I’m VERY disappointed in you girls. I don’t know who did the writing on the wall.”

“I didn’t.”

“And I don’t want to know. You two girls are gonna go over there and scrub it off before I get back.”

“Will you come with us?”

“I will not. I have two open houses today and also a closing at six. If you two girls went over there last night then surely you can go over there now.”

"Aunt Dottie, there's a ghost living there..." — *“Aunt Dottie, there’s a ghost living there…”*

“Oh PLEASE! You can do better than that. Now come on, let’s go.”

*The girls head next door*

“This is ALL YOUR FAULT. You’re such a chicken!”

“I’m not, and I don’t want to be in your lame ole group any more.”

"Good, I WASN'T GONNA LET YOU ANYWAY" — *“Good, I WASN’T GONNA LET YOU ANYWAY!”*

“And you’re a snitch too. You’re a chicken AND a snitch. I COULDN’T STAND BEING YOU.”

*Amanda hesitates to go upstairs*

“Gimme a break! It’s not even dark. You CAN’T be scared now!”

“One thing’s for sure, I’m never inviting you to do anything with my friends ever again… HELL-LOOOO?!“

“… Wow, no wonder mom was so mad. You did this just to get me in trouble didn’t you?”

“I didn’t do it… it wasn’t like this last night…”

“Yeah right! Well if you think I’m gonna clean up the mess that YOU made…”

"Beth! Come on, let's go!" — *“Beth! Come on, let’s go!”*

“Woooow, look at all the dolls and stuffed animals. What an AWESOME collection, it’s even bigger than mine…”

"OH MY GOD OPEN THE DOOR! LET ME OUT!" — *“OH MY GOD OPEN THE DOOR! LET ME OUT!”*

"LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" — *“LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!”*

"Who are you? ... Wait a second... it's Nanny!" — *“Who are you? … Wait a second… it’s Nanny!”*

"... Your... your MOTHER? Nanny's your mother?" — *“… Your… your MOTHER? Nanny’s your mother?”*

“Help me? Help you? I- I can help you, yes, please open the door and I can help you. I’ll get her, I will.”

*door creeps open*

“Thank you… I’ll get her.”

“NO DON’T GO AMANDA! HELP ME! I’M STUCK IN THE MIRROR! AMANDA CAN’T YOU SEE ME?!?! HOW AM I GONNA GET OUTTA HERE!?! AMANDAAAAA!”

"Nanny! Where are you?!" — *“Nanny! Where are you?!”*

"NANNY!? Oh no, Nanny no! NOOO!" — *“NANNY!? Oh no, Nanny no! NOOO!”*

“NANNY WAIT! Please don’t go! You have to come with me!”

“What? What are you saying?”

“Over there, come on!”

“No, I’m not going THERE, too many bad memories. You girls can go play your jokes on someone else.”

“No it’s not a joke, please!”

“No, I’m leaving. I’m not wanted here anymore.”

“YES YOU ARE!”

"Wh-where did you get this?" — *“Wh-where did you get this?”*

"No, nooooo, no! I can't! It's too hard!" — *“No, nooooo, no! I can’t! It’s too hard!”*

“My baby! My poor baby… I didn’t know you were here, all this time. Nothing bad will ever happen to you again.”

*points to mirror*

“Yes, yes! I’ll go with you!”

"Amanda help me! I'm stuck in the mirror!" — *“Amanda, help me! I’m stuck in the mirror!”*

*Beth’s friends enter room*

“Amanda, where’s Beth? Your aunt said that you guys were both over here.”

"Please Amanda, help me!" — *“Please Amanda, help me!”*

“Are you gonna stop bossing me around?”

“Yes!”

“Are you gonna stop bossing your friends around?”

“Yes!”

“Well, OK, I’ll let you out.”

*opens door, Beth tumbles out*

“You know Beth, I think we’re gonna have to make some changes in this group…”

*Beth’s friends giggle*

"So what happened with Amanda and Beth?" — *“So what happened with Amanda and Beth?”*

“Amanda had a great summer. She even let Beth hang with the group.”

“Good story, Dave. I now declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed. Until next week, everyone.”

"C'mon zeeb. I'll buy you a soda to cool you off" — *“C’mon zeeb. I’ll buy you a soda to cool you off”*

“Ow ow ow OW.”

“Yeah?”

“Aren’t you going to — ?”

“Oh the present! Oh I’m sorry Dave, your story was so good.”

“That’s OK.”

"A locket like in your story!" — *“A locket like in your story!”*

“You like it?”

“I love it, it’s beautiful but… you shouldn’t have gotten this.”

"What do you think?" — *“What do you think?”*

“Perfect… I knew it would be.”

"I'll think of you every time I wear it... forever" — *“I’ll think of you every time I wear it… forever”*

EPILOGUE

The Lonely Ghost episode epitomizes what the show was all about: spooks and thrills, yes, but also with plenty of heart. Are You Afraid of the Dark? was a small but special ingredient during my childhood years. Every week I joined in at the campfire and it made me feel like Uncle Jimmy never left. The haunting images and stories from the show resonates with a part of my being. They are forever etched in my memory bank.

The old lady in my recurring nightmares as a lad actually looks a lot like Nanny does here. That whole scene gave me the chills! I remember when I first saw this episode in ’92, I thought,“It’s the old lady from my nightmares!” However, Nanny proved to be harmless… and I don’t know if that had any lingering subconscious effects on me or not, but soon thereafter I stopped having those recurring nightmares of the hag stalking me everywhere in the dream world. Then again, maybe it had to do more with the fact that Uncle Jimmy recently moved out and was no longer available to tell me ghost stories involving old, twisted, demented ladies. Nothing creeps me out quite like old ladies dressed in black with frizzy hair who meanders around in an unorthodox manner. Good work, Nanny. It was one of the best scenes from the Are You Afraid of the Dark? legacy! Well done, Sheena Larkin. I still get goosebumps whenever I think about that scene…

There are things from our childhood that we cherish and reminisce fondly upon. Sometimes, they don’t quite hold up. But Are Your Afraid of the Dark? definitely does, and I hope to one day share this classic series with my own children. I have so many fond memories of watching this show at night with my brother over 20 years ago. The show was well written and executed and still holds up to this day.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Now 37, Laura is still involved in the acting world. She is also an instructor at Biz Studio where she teaches kids and teens about TV acting. Looking good, Laura! And way to give back to the youth

Her mean cousin Beth, played by Laura Levin, is now a professor of theatre and performance arts, where she passes the joy of acting to a new generation. In 2005, Laura Levin was named one of 200 “everyday heroes” who had enriched undergraduates’ lives. The theatre professor was completing her doctoral studies at the time and had taught courses in acting and performance and directed several undergraduate student theatre productions.

“Laura Levin is really the best thing that has happened to me in my college career,” said the anonymous student who singled out Levin on the undergraduate experience survey. “As cliché as it sounds, she believes in me,” wrote Levin’s admirer. “That is honestly what every student needs. They need primarily to believe in themselves and their abilities. But, to also have someone who will fight with you just to affirm that they believe in you, can be enough to inspire a student to move forward.”

“It meant a lot to me to read this student comment,” said Levin, who received news of her citation near the end of her first teaching term. “In the midst of end-of-first-year-junior-professor-exhaustion, it’s nice to know that my teaching can make a difference.”

It’s always lovely to see people from your childhood, whether you knew them personally or not, doing well in the game of life.

As for Nanny and the Ghost, to this day still they reside happily together in the mirror.

The Adventures of Hourai High (SNES)

Pub: J-Wing | Dev: Dynamite | April '96 | 8 MEGS — **Pub: J-Wing | Dev: Dynamite | April ’96 | 8 MEGS**

I fell in love with EarthBound after playing it for the first time back in November 2012. It was one of the best RPGs that I ever played. Wanting more, I searched online for similar titles. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered there was one on the SNES called The Adventures of Hourai High. It’s an obscure Japanese only RPG that can best be described as a mix of EarthBound and Final Fantasy V. Say no more. Take my money! Thankfully, the game’s dialogue has long since been fan translated from Japanese to English. Thanks to the effort of these good men, Westerners can now enjoy a visit to the wacky and nutty Hourai High School…

20 YEAR REUNION

Earthbound fans will appreciate Hourai High's humor — *EarthBound* fans will appreciate *Hourai High*‘s humor

Just yesterday the Nintendo 64 and Mario 64 celebrated 20 years since both were first released in Japan. Dude, that just blows my mind. Where does the time go? Speaking of 20th Anniversaries, a couple months ago The Adventures of Hourai High turned 20 years old itself. I guess them crazy cats had their 20 year class reunion somewhere in Japan. Thinking about that makes me reminisce about my high school years. I just crossed the 15 year mark myself. Damn I’m getting old…

Its Final Fantasy V job system lets you join various clubs — Its *Final Fantasy V* job system lets you join many clubs

MEMORIES OF SENIOR YEAR

Ah, high school -- the formative years of our youth — Ah, high school — the formative years of our youth

Who doesn’t remember high school? From getting your driver’s license, your first job, or perhaps even your first girlfriend [or boyfriend -Ed.], those were the days of our youth. We formed friendships and learned life lessons. We also learned a little bit more about who we were going to be. Senior Prom, Grad Night, crappy group projects, the Senior Prank, cliques, clubs, crushes, awful school lunches, crappy teachers, cool teachers, and a whole lot of posturing to be cool and hip, especially with the “in-crowd.” High school now feels like ancient history to me, and while I feel college was a lot more important, it’s impossible to deny that high school has its place too. I was sort of a regular kid in high school. I wasn’t part of the “cool kids” group, but I wasn’t one of the dweebs that got bullied, either. I was good old Steve, the nice guy the girls liked (as their friend only, of course) and I hung out with other regular Joes who were right in the middle of the pecking order, so to speak. We had a good time, forged some good memories but when all was said and done, we sailed out into the sunset, never looking back sans the odd nostalgic moment here and there.

I'll never forget Judy -- my biggest high school crush — I’ll never forget Judy — my biggest high school crush

In terms of pecking order, I hit my peak during senior year. I started branching out from my friends, taking classes that interested me (such as creative writing and acting) which helped to develop my confidence. I also landed my first job at the local Blockbuster, and my employee perk of being able to get 5 free movies a week suddenly made little ole me a man in demand. Many nights I would see a lot of my cute senior classmates stroll in and I would take advantage of the opportunity by chatting with them as I rung them up. My biggest crush was easily Judy. She was the prom queen of our school. The girl was smoking hot. I always felt like we shared a great rapport. Somehow Lady Luck had it that we sat next to each other in a couple classes. I’d call Judy many nights to exchange class notes before talking about random topics for a little bit. This was back in the day when cell phones had yet to explode in popularity, so I had Judy’s house number. I wanted her email so I could directly connect with her — sometimes it felt a little awkward to have to talk to her mom or dad first. Unfortunately she was dating a jock at the time and so I was left daydreaming.

Steph was cool but jeez, I was quite the homework helper — Steph was cool. Hope she’s well wherever she is

Yearbooks were passed out the week of our Graduation. I remember that last week of my senior year fondly. Passing yearbooks around, signing them for your buddies and everyone feeling excited about the future. Many felt as though we had the world at the tip of our fingers. That youthful optimism that only comes when you’re 17 almost ready to graduate and head off to college. I had never told Judy how much I enjoyed our friendship. I decided to tell her in my yearbook signing. We exchanged yearbooks at lunch and I went to work. I hoped she’d somehow include her email in my yearbook. Finally, we exchanged again and I walked home anxious to read what she had wrote. I’ll never forget the feeling of butterflies soaring in the pit of my stomach when I cracked my yearbook open to read what Judy had written. Was she going to pour out her soul to me as well?

I never felt so high and light in my life before. My biggest high school crush read my mind. She not only gave me her email address but asked me to hang out with her as well. Life was good. Thanks for the memories, Judy.

TIMEWALK TRIBUTE

I was lucky to buy these two just months before Timewalk folded — Their work was high quality indeed

Timewalk was a famous little fan company within the retro gaming community. They once sold beautiful repro games and some of them even had gorgeous boxes and manuals. Before they closed shop in early 2014 I was fortunate enough to buy the boxes and manuals of Gunman’s Proof and The Adventures of Hourai High. Man I’m glad I did. I always meant to buy more of their SNES box/manual sets but sadly never got around to it before they unexpectedly closed. Timewalk boxes nowadays go for a pretty penny as they’re now officially a limited quantity.

This "diary" manual was a bit... creepy — This diary manual was a bit… creepy

Timewalk’s products are amazing but the manual to Adventures of Hourai High deserves a special shout-out. Designed by member JM, this 44-page booklet was written in composition notebook form. It’s written from the perspective of the female protagonist. Recall that you can play as either a male or female. It makes sense that they chose to write the manual from a female perspective since high school girls are more prone to journaling. There are no how-to instructions in this diary. Instead, it’s a full-blown account of her times at Hourai High from the moment she arrives, April 1st, to nearly a year later on March 25th. The entries are written from a 16 year old female’s point of view — all of the dairy entries are downright emo. It totally fits and I commend JM for the incredible effort. Even more impressive, JM used actual facts from the game that players will quickly pick up on. It sort of adds another layer to the whole experience.

That drawing reminds me of something... — That drawing reminds me of something…

There's even a touch of the occult at Hourai High. Heebie-jeebies! — There’s even a touch of the occult at Hourai High

THE WACKY STORY GOES…

Richard Vernon from the 1985 classic The Breakfast Club — Richard Vernon from *The Breakfast Club* (1985)

Here's a tip noob: Roku is the type to hold grudges — Here’s a tip: Roku is the type to hold grudges

[Hmm, I notice you do a lot of "research" -Ed.] — *[Hmm, I notice you do a lot of “research” -Ed.]*

The modern setting helps differentiate it from fantasy RPGs — The modern setting helps set it apart from most RPGs

He should be more upset about that stupid haircut!

It even apes EarthBound's font. A lovely touch indeed — It even apes *EarthBound*‘s font. A lovely touch indeed

Meet Daichi, your fellow comrade. At times a little TOO loyal — Meet your super loyal comrade, Daichi

And I shall call it... hmm, ah yes, WEIRD SCIENCE... — And I shall call it… hmm, ah yes, *WEIRD SCIENCE*…

Dude, we just escaped an infested sewer! — Dude, we just barely escaped an infested sewer!

UM NO, nope... I h-haven't s-seen a-any gh-ghosts around here... — *“Uh, I haven’t s-seen any gh-ghosts around here…”*

*[Lemme guess. Research again, right? -Ed.]*

You an carry guns and knives at Hourai High — You can carry guns and knives at Hourai High

I" said CRIPES. Jeez, just coz I'm black!" — *“I said CRIPES. Jeez, just coz I’m black…”*

Sure, why not. Robots at Hourai High too

Shin means new right? Good, coz you need a new haircut — Shin means new — good coz ya need a new haircut

The only SNES RPG to feature an African American

[Chihaya, you're not the first lady to say that... -Ed.] — *[You’re not the first lady to say that… -Ed.]*

So girls can go to boys' dorm but not vice versa? Oh it's Hinako — Hinako is that girl you love to hate

"We're tryin' to attract 'em, not scare 'em away!" — *“We’re tryin’ to attract ‘em, not scare ‘em away!”*

Poor Hinako. She's such a good sport... — Poor Hinako. She’s such a good sport…

*“Way to put me on the spot. Well, let’s see…”*

What other SNES RPG celebrates your birthday eh?

"Stop coming into my room. It was only ONE night Hinako!" — *“Quit barging in. It was only ONE night OK!”*

Wait, is that same bitch who threw you out?

Yeah, sometimes Daichi is TOO loyal... — Yeah, sometimes Daichi is TOO loyal…

Great idea! Let's split up. It always works in scary movies — Let’s split up. It always works in scary movies

Miss Adachi, your homeroom teacher, is quite the looker — Ms. Adachi, the homeroom teacher, is quite a looker

"Do you have a bridge I can buy too?" — *“Do you have a bridge I can buy too?”*

Whoa, some creepazoid be watching you sleep... — Whoa, some creepazoid watchin’ you sleep…

Save this unkempt savage and he'll join your team — Save this little savage and he’ll join the team

If you thought Mitsurin was odd, check out this guy! — Thought Mitsurin was odd? Check out this guy

He has a name and he also talks. OK... — He has a name and he also talks. OK…

Love the feeling of finding keys in an RPG

What evil lies behind this door? Play it to find out — What evil lies beyond? Play it to find out…

Remember how satisfying it was gliding down these ropes? — The jungle chapter reminded me of this

A case of deja vu — Talk about a case of deja vu

The jungle is probably my favorite chapter in the game. I love how Hourai High uses a modern backdrop, but throws in more exotic locales such as this wild jungle. It’s similar to what EarthBound did to keep the journey fresh as well as exciting. Here in the jungle you’ll encounter all sorts of untamed savages ready to devour your party whole. I enjoyed all chapters of Hourai High but I like the jungle one most because it captures what the FIELD TRIP FROM HELL would be like. Good times. Or rather, bad times? Ah you get my drift.

Its sense of humor is sure to make you smile

New amusingly strict rules are declared every so often — New amusingly strict rules are posted every so often

I know we bonded on that Africa trip, but come on! — *“I know we bonded on that Africa trip, but c’mon!”*

Roku ain't letting it go — Roku ain’t letting it go

Hourai126 — This robot reminds me of the one from *Breath of Fire*

Poor Daichi and his weak bladder. Kid is screwed

"Ah sorry! Sometimes I take things literally..." — *“Ah sorry! Sometimes I take things literally…”*

In terms of oddness, only EarthBound can rival it — In terms of oddness, only *EarthBound* can rival it

Quit laughing! Don't you see this isn't funny. It's sick! — *“Quit laughing! This isn’t funny — this is sick!”*

Hell yeah, Hourai High shows that you can stick it to the man! — Hell yeah, stick it to the man!

Alright let's all calm down now — *“Alright pal, let’s all calm down now…”*

Light-colored text reveals people's real thoughts — Light color text reveals people’s real thoughts

Ugh, you don't leave without getting an answer! — Ugh, you don’t leave without getting an answer!

There are many Santa workers; you have to suss out the right one — Imposters galore. But only one real Santa

I love how she loses her sanity more day by day, week by week... — Slowly losing her sanity day by day, week by week…

Secret of Mana (1993) — *Secret of Mana* (1993)

This is NOT how you treat a starfish! It is extremely unbecoming! — *“NOT cool. It’s extremely unbecoming!”*

What attending Hourai High for 6 months will do to ya — Yep, she’s lost it now

Ninjas... always ruining Christmas — Ninjas… always ruining Christmas

WHAT!?! No, he doesn't. I mean, no, we've never.... YOU KNOW! — *“WHAT!?! I have no recollection of this…”*

Each month (chapter) ends with an interesting newspaper article — Each month ends with a newspaper article

On second thought, being with you kids... make that any second! — *“Being with you kids… make that any second!”*

Who knows what strange beasts dwell in these deadly caves? — What strange beasts dwell in these deadly caves?

That's just... wrong — That’s just… wrong

Looks serious. Could be a revolt! [Or lunch -Ed.] — Looks serious. Could be a revolt! *[Or lunch -Ed.]*

"Uhhh guys... I have a bad feeling about this..." — *“Uhhh guys… I have a bad feeling about this…”*

Street Fighter II (1991) — *Street Fighter II* (1991)

Gamera vs. Zigra (1971) — *Gamera vs. Zigra* (1971)

Trilogy of Terror (1975) — *Trilogy of Terror* (1975)

The game's art style is loaded with character — The game’s art style is loaded with character

"There's a reason why we call you HIGH-nako..." — *“There’s a reason we call you HIGH-nako…”*

Hourai173 — *[Oops. But it’s OK, only like 6 people read this site -Ed.]*

SIDEWAY STORIES AT HOURAI HIGH

One of the best things about elementary school was receiving the latest book order. Remember circling all the book titles you wanted and getting your parents to buy most of them? It was a much easier sales pitch than a video game on account of being far cheaper and educational. Best of all, that magical morning you come into the classroom and find a stack of brand new books sitting atop your desk! Sure, it might not have been as wondrous as getting a video game on Christmas morning, but then again, as a kid what was? Seeing new books on your desk was still pretty damn cool. And while my love for the Goosebumps series has been well documented, one of my absolute favorites was easily Sideway Stories From Wayside School. It told the wacky tales of a zany school that was constructed 30 stories high! Featuring an evil teacher, Mrs. Gorf, each chapter highlighted a different student. The stories were beyond bizarre. My favorite was the chapter “Stephen.” Because it had my name (well, close enough) AND it was based on my favorite holiday as a kid: Halloween. Stephen also gets the best of Mrs. Gorf. I remember living vicariously through him. It was a reminder that even a little brave kid could stand up to a big mean adult.

As a kid I believed that Louis Sachar wrote this chapter for me — Louis Sachar clearly wrote this chapter for me

Subsequent inferior sequels followed and uh, 'jumped the shark' — Inferior sequels followed and jumped the shark…

GLARING FLAWS

Far from a perfect 4.0 GPA... — Far from a perfect 4.0 GPA…

There’s no denying the game’s humor and charm. However, a few key flaws keep it from being great. The biggest flaw? Equipping better armor and weapons seem to make NO difference at all. How Dynamite missed this is baffling, but this was the only game they ever developed, so take that for what it’s worth. So then this game is super hard right? Wrong. It’s actually very easy, even with this flaw. Your characters do level up, so their strength does increase, and that helps. You just can’t increase your strength by equipping a stronger weapon, so it makes armor and weapon buying useless, which is a shame as that’s part of the fun. So even though you can earn a variety of cool skills from all the various clubs you’ll join, it really doesn’t make a dent in the gameplay much in the end, as battles are so easy the only strategy consists of spamming the attack button (or use auto battle). The next major flaw: there are some game crashing bugs. I’ll highlight some below. Fortunately, on my playthrough, I avoided the bugs and thus was able to see the game through. Finally, the enemy encounter rate is ridiculously high. Sometimes you can’t take 4 steps it seems without a random battle occurring. Thus, it can drag the game down a bit. Thank God for that auto battle option.

It's a shame that buying new weapons and armor is not necessary — No need to buy new weapons and armor

Use Hinako's GUST skill at your own discretion... — Don’t use Hinako’s GUST skill. Just don’t

If you leave here and come back, the game may crash — If you leave here and come back, the game crashes

You get ridiculously bombarded by bad guys constantly — The enemy encounter rate is ridiculously high

Hmmm, I got a Senior Prank in mind... — Hmmm, I got a Senior Prank in mind…

Love the Lego Duplo look of the characters

Like I said, there are some flaws that one just cannot overlook. Having said that, now let’s talk about the positives. Visually, it’s got a very clean and unique look. The characters look great. Enemies and the various locales have a good deal of detail. The music is surprisingly well done for a company who only made one game. Lots of catchy tunes that range from frenetic and upbeat to soothing and relaxing, like a cool summertime breeze. There are many friends to make, many playable characters to try and many different clubs you can join to earn a myriad of offensive and defensive skills. You can partake in up to 3 clubs at once and you are free to switch out whenever you like.

There are so many people you can recruit!

The "Friend Point" was a neat little system — The “Friend Point” was a neat little system

You also earn Friend Points after a fight. Distribute it as you wish. After maxing out one’s Friend Points, that character becomes your best bud. You then unlock certain special skills and moves. Pretty cool stuff.

If you love (zany) RPGs, Hourai High is worth a visit — If you love (zany) RPGs, *Hourai High* is worth a visit

FAST TIMES AT HOURAI HIGH

It took me 30 hours to beat this game. I will definitely play through it a second time at some point down the road, and use the female protagonist next time. I’d like to thank the translating crew over at Aeon Genesis, who made this fan translation possible. A job well done, AG!

EarthBound fans will likely enjoy this too — *EarthBound* fans will likely enjoy this game too

CLOSING THOUGHTS

"Not exactly a welcome mat, is it?" — *“Not exactly a welcome mat now, is it?”*

Adventures of Hourai High will take you back to high school in some ways, but it’s also far beyond anything anyone ever experienced in high school. Yes, you’ll make buddies (even to varying degrees), join clubs and learn different skills, and even forge a few enemies but if it stopped there it’d be boring. Here, you’ll go on the adventure of a lifetime. Everywhere from rancid sewers to wild jungles to spooky demonic temples. Along the journey there’s plenty of charm thanks in large part to its amusing dialogue and all the wacky characters who inhabit its kooky world. It’s like high school, only taken to the very extreme, with a very peculiar Japanese touch that ONLY the Japanese can offer. If that sounds like a good time to you then I’m sure you’ll enjoy it — warts and all — like I have!

Adventures of Hourai High exudes charm and humor in spades. And that’s the best quality it has going for it. Where it falls short in execution, it excels in charming the pants off ya. All the strange characters that you meet, the diverse locales you’ll travel to and all the weird enemies you battle, not to mention the amusing dialogue, makes you press on in spite of its flaws. It’s one of the most endearing video games I’ve ever experienced. If you’re willing to look beyond the rough edges (high enemy encounter rate and broken weapon system), there’s a wonderful adventure lying underneath. This game made me smile constantly. It’s loaded with personality and heart. It’s too bad Dynamite didn’t iron out the kinks because this could have been a real gem. Still, it’s one of those rare games where in spite of its glaring flaws there’s something about it compels you forward. Who knew an RPG based around high school teenage life could be so addicting? If you can bear its missteps, this is one high school definitely worth visiting.

Graphics: 7.5
Sound: 8.5
Gameplay: 7
Longevity: 7

Overall: 7.5
Bronze Award

EarthBound (SNES)

Pub: Nintendo | Dev: Ape | June '95 | 24 MEGS — **Pub: Nintendo | Dev: Ape | June ’95 | 24 MEGS**

One of the most notorious games from the vast Super Nintendo library is without a doubt EarthBound. Released 21 years ago, it stood out in the crowd of RPGs by having a contemporary setting, a zany sense of humor, and a very unique style. And as the years passed, the game grew in demand, popularity and reverence. So much that some people would even tell you that the game has been overhyped beyond belief. In 2012, I finally got to play through EarthBound. It was an adventure the likes of which I’ll remember FOREVER.

WHEN PRICES WERE DOWN TO EARTH

The SNES market has skyrocketed in recent years

When I got back into the Super Nintendo scene 10 years ago in early 2006, the games were still quite cheap. I picked up titles like Ninja Gaiden Trilogy, Castlevania: Dracula X, Aero Fighters, Mega Man X³, and EarthBound each for $40 or less. No such luck doing that today! It boggles the mind how crazy expensive these old games are now. Back in 2006, EarthBound didn’t carry the mainstream reputation it would later gain in recent years. It was just another game I’d never played back in the day but was now interested in doing so. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that the game would become the monster that it is today. It makes me wonder how much these games will command 5 to 10 years from now. All I know for sure — I’m glad I got in when I did and got out before the market went sky high. Life is truly about timing, and a little lady luck never hurts too!

ALIENS FROM ANOTHER PLANET

Ah, back when life was carefree and innocent — Nelly and I had our own version of *Friday Night Lights*

As a kid UFOs fascinated me. Alien beings that lived far above us in the outer reaches of space. The idea that intelligent (and possibly menacing) creatures living above us is mystifying. Growing up, I would scan the skies late at night with my binoculars hoping to see something, yet at the same time dreading the possibility that something might see me back. My best friend Nelson and I became obsessed; we even had the odd “sky stakeout” here and there. While it may sound a bit sad, there are worse ways to spend an evening than to hang out with your best friend shooting the breeze and scanning the skies while sharing a pepperoni pizza. We never saw anything, not even once, but I think Nelson and I both silently understood that we used it as an excuse to veg out on a Friday night after a long school week. About once a month we’d bust out the lawn chairs, set our piping hot Totino’s pizza on the little table outside, kick back and talk about our crushes on Jenny and Elaine, video games and anything monster-related while staring out at the beautiful early evening sky. Munching on cheesy carbs and sipping on fizzy soda, Nelly and I would gaze up at the sky talking the night away. We’d stay outside so late that his mom would flip the back porch light on. Those “stakeout” Friday evenings have stuck with me all these years later. Time marches on, but I still recall those lazy nights vividly.

They're out there... — They’re out there…

The best thing about UFOs for me was the idea that they could be anywhere. The Loch Ness Monster was confined to Scotland, Bigfoot could only lurk in the woods, but aliens could be anywhere. The idea that they could be watching you at any time was all part of the fun of believing in them as a kid. And the fact that aliens could be whatever you wanted them to be. Maybe friendly and precocious like E.T., or deadly and malicious, or just advanced and neutral. They were whatever you made them out to be. EarthBound is awesome for a myriad of reasons. One being they took a lot of my childhood interests and crammed them into one epic RPG. Nessie, Bigfoot, aliens, dinosaurs, zombies — EarthBound strikes a certain childhood chord with me no other video game ever has.

Goonies meets Peanuts meets The Wonder Years — *Goonies* + *Peanuts* + *The Wonder Years* + *Dragon Quest*

OUR HEROES

An all-American kid living in an all-American town, Ness is proof that there lies a hero deep inside each one of us. He’s the kid next door, with a loving mom, a plucky sister and a workaholic but extremely generous dad. One minute Ness is living a basic ordinary life, but when the meteorite crashes, everything changes. An alien believes Ness to be the chosen one with the power to alter cosmic events. A nice all-around character with a good balance of speed, IQ, offensive power and psychic ability. His weapon of choice is a baseball bat. This journey will drain and test Ness at every step of the way. He enters it as a kid, but one way or another, he’s going to leave it a man.

Remember your Winnie Cooper growing up? You know, your biggest childhood crush? That’s kinda the role one might initially think Paula plays, but there’s so much more to her. Try incredible psychic powers and one mean frying pan. Paula loves to scramble eggs, if you get my drift. She doesn’t mind rolling up her sleeves and getting her hands dirty. Hailing from Twoson, her mother runs the Polestar Preschool. Paula’s the first one to join you on your epic quest, and you must rescue her from the clutches of an evil cult called the Happy Happy Village, led by Mr. Carpainter. Being one in touch with her spiritual side, Paula can pray in a pinch. I renamed her as Jenny, based on my own Winnie Cooper growing up.

No healthy childhood would be complete without the aid and presence of a best friend. While Jeff is not touted as Ness’ best pal, I like to think of him as such. The mechanical genius of the team, Jeff is son to a famous scientist. It shows, as he can use machines and gadgets that no one else on the team can. He also has a knack for repairing broken devices, which proves to be invaluable. While he doesn’t possess any psychic ability, Jeff makes up for it with his tremendous knowledge of being able to fashion great weapons out of broken items. He might be a little weak offensively, but his IQ is critical to the group’s success. I renamed him Nelly, in honor of my childhood best friend, Nelson.

The mysterious prince from the East (Dalaam to be precise) is the third and final friend to join you in your quest. Being the oldest member of the group, plus possessing that ever so mysterious charm of being from somewhere far, far away, Poo has great physical, mental and spiritual strength. One of his best talents is the magic ability to assume the shape of an enemy attacker (known as Mirror). Trained in ancient martial arts, this mystical fighter is a much welcomed addition when he finally enters the fray a decent way into the game. He is a bit of a ladies’ man, too, which gives his character an interesting layer to say the least. I renamed Poo to be Sushi-X, in honor of a family friend growing up who, much like Poo, was older than I was and had sort of a mythical aura about him. Everyone in my gaming group called him Sushi-X because he loved EGM and Street Fighter II.

THE REAL HERO

THE STORY GOES…

It’s another idyllic sunny day in the small, sleepy town of Onett. Turning off your Super Nintendo, you grab your bike and head off for your weekly paper route. You’ve been working hard to save up enough to buy that new Super Nintendo RPG EarthBound. Hell, you’re so ambitious you even ride out as far as Twoson. You certainly don’t mind it, as there’s nothing like riding your 10 speed bicycle, the wind whipping against your face, that open road ahead. For that small window of time, you’re a free man. Riding out to Twoson was always a bit of an adventure. You could almost feel the whiskers kicking in. Times have changed now. Kids aren’t allowed to go out alone anymore… but back then… this was our life. Besides, it was in Twoson where your crush, Jenny, resides. You’ve stalked, uhhh, I mean, seen her working around the preschool whenever you passed by. You never had any houses on that block of town, but that never did stop you from willingly and happily taking the scenic route.

Having hand-delivered the odd paper or two to Orange Kid, you’ve developed a bit of a relationship with him. He is Twoson’s infamous inventor, well, one of the two. The other is Apple Kid but no one likes him. Orange Kid on the other hand is a chick magnet. After all, ya can’t compare apples to oranges… [har har -Ed.]. Being that you’re Steve, and NOT such a ladies’ man, you decide to stop by today for a bit of advice on how to win hearts and be more than just another sappy shoulder to cry on. Normally busy, Orange Kid is in a very giving mood today — he spends the better part of an hour divulging some insider tips that’s sure to make even Steve a certified G and a bonafide stud. Rejuvenated, you spend the next couple hours over at the flea market in Burglin Park and Twoson’s pride, MACH PIZZA. Sure, Onett’s Burger Barn is 5-star quality according to their 275 Yelp reviews and counting, but Onett’s not exactly known for its pizza. It’s just another reason why you never complain when it’s time to ride over to Twoson. But you never share this with Orange Kid, fearing that he just might laugh at you if he ever knew the real reason.

Seven hours later... — Seven hours later…

BLINK BLINK. Your eyes open slowly as you realize you fell asleep in Burglin Park. The once inviting sunshine has withered, giving way to a cold, bleak darkness. Mom’s probably worried but this is the mid ’90s when kids could get away with such things. Your bicycle still safely beside you, you hop on and bound homeward.

Good old home. It’s your haven. Even though your dad isn’t around, you have almost everything you could want. Sure, you got annoying neighbors, but hey nothing’s perfect. As you head out of Twoson and back to Onett, you beam ear to ear having learned some of Orange Kid’s secrets of the trade. There’s no way Jenny can resist you now.

On THIS night, something incredible is about to happen... — On THIS night, something incredible is about to happen…

By now the sleepy town of Onett has been entirely devoured by darkness. An eerie stillness settles over the suburb, sending a chill up your spine. What once stood as an assuring sight during the day has turned into something sinister in the night. But crime has always been so low that no one really pays mind to anything bad happening in this quaint quiet town. Of course, we all know that’s how it usually starts out…

Jenny I got your number! 867-5309... — Jenny I got your number! 867-5309…

Being an invincible kid ripe off acquiring the fortified knowledge of the players’ handbook, you’ve got not a single care in the world as you come bounding down the all too familiar sight of the suburbs. Closing your eyes and dreaming of your beloved crush, Jenny, you have no idea that a terrible terror is about to overtake your quiet, sleepy town. And thrust you toward a hellacious voyage that will see you ultimately fulfilling your God-given destiny…

Meanwhile, somewhere in Onett, a woman wakes up in a pool of her own sweat. A loud bang outside her bedroom sends shivers down her spine. It’s coming from the den. Frightened, she clutches the blanket to her chest while listening in the darkness… silence. Then suddenly, RAP RAP RAP. Someone or SOMETHING wants in. Cautiously tip-toeing her way to the bedroom door, a dark, shadowy and twisty figure appears from behind her…

Time to do some investigating... — Time to do some investigating…

"Yes sir, going home pronto..." — *“Yes sir, going home pronto…”*

After “going home pronto” (AKA sneaking about), you find your annoying neighbor, Pokey, poking around in police business. Whatever’s happening here tonight has to be huge, and you’re not gonna miss it for the world.

OPD is clearly top of the line — OPD — clearly top of the line officers

“Officer, sir, if you don’t mind just letting me slip through here. I have a friend I need to check up on.”

“Sorry kiddo, no can do. I’ve been given strict orders from the chief not to let anyone pass through, and that especially includes punk kids such as yourself.”

“Okaaaay… how about this nice glazed donut, then?”

“GAH! Alright kid, you’ve got five minutes but ONLY five, you hear?!”

"GET! ALL OF Y'ALL! GEEET!" — *“GET! ALL OF Y’ALL! GEEET!”*

“Hey, who let this punk kid through?”

“Steve! Boy am I glad to see you. Something strange is going on…”

“Alright, enough! You bastards get on out of here!”

Atop the hill, as the police drag you away like a rag doll, you catch a glimpse of a fallen meteor. Rubbing your eyes in disbelief, you wonder if it’s just a dream.

Stagger to bed like Otis Campbell on a Saturday night

Mom knows best. One look at your kisser and nothing else needs to be said. Still shaking, you saunter to your bedroom. But before you can replay the night’s events in your mind, your head hits the soft, cool pillow and you fall into a deep sleep…

Well I'll be damned. Or rather, oh my land! — Well I’ll be damned. Or rather, oh my land!

“There’s my bro, Picky! Quick, Steve, save him! Or else my parents are gonna let me have it!”

“Wait, why am I helping you again?”

“Because you’re Steve, an all around good guy!”

“Oh, of course. Damn, it’s a curse to be this kindhearted and good looking.”

Buddy: Master, I don’t think Pokey said good looking but whatever…

Upon arriving at the top they come within 15 feet of the meteor. The air is hot and humid; you can still see steam coming from its core…

“Umm, you go on ahead and grab him, Steve.”

“What! He’s your brother. You go fetch him.”

“No, I think I’m good. I’m with Buddy. Right here is good for me.”

“Fine. You pansy.”

A mysterious and booming voice suddenly fills the hot night air — A mysterious voice suddenly fills the hot night air

EarthBRe53 — It’s the voice! *“If you build it, he will come”*

On their trek home, the boys are stopped dead in their tracks when Star Man Jr., one of Giygas’ nefarious henchmen, appears out of nowhere to confront the 3 boys. Luckily, Buzz Buzz, the source of the voice, is by your side. Protecting the crew with his psychic shield, our hero is able to defeat Star Man Jr. After which, Buzz Buzz warns them the worst is yet to come but he has faith. Legend has it 3 boys and a girl are destined to save the universe. Buzz Buzz believes you are one of those 3 brave, young warriors.

In his dying breath, Buzz Buzz gives our hero the Sound Stone. “To defeat Giygas, your own power must unite with that of earth.” Our hero sets off to visit 8 sanctuaries to record the sound of each with the Sacred Stone. First stop? The infamous Giant Step!

During the pilgrimage you will run across many interesting cats — During the quest you’ll meet many interesting cats

Growing up and a loss of innocence is one of the central themes — Growing up and lost innocence is a central theme

With its unique look and zany humor, it's one of a kind — With its unique look and zany humor, it’s one of a kind

It truly is. Combining a modern setting with your typical suburban town in Anytown USA, any kid who ever grew up in a sleepy suburb in America can instantly relate. From the moment the game began, I knew right away I was in for one magical, epic journey.

There’s been some major hate dumped on the crude visuals of the game… but I personally love the look. They are INTENTIONALLY retro-fied. I like to think of it as 12-bit… it’s not quite 8-bit NES yet it’s not quite 16-bit. It’s just EarthBound.

Right?! Brings back a fond childhood memory or two

Wait a second, I've seen this somewhere in a movie... — Wait a second, I’ve seen this somewhere in a movie…

The Purge. Here's Fat Frank after DDP Yoga — *The Purge*. Here’s Fat Frank after DDP Yoga

And his creepy robot. Purge makers EarthBound fans? — And his creepy robot. *Purge* makers EarthBound fans?

While whimsical, it also carries some dark mature themes — While whimsical, it also carries some mature themes

[It's FUZZY PICKLES, damnit -Ed.] — *[It’s FUZZY PICKLES, damnit -Ed.]*

NPCs made exploring the various towns plenty of fun — NPCs made exploring the various towns very fun

Alright, let's see if they got the latest Goosebumps... — OK let’s see if they got the latest *Goosebumps*…

*“I’D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!”* -Bixby Snyder

EarthBound was meta before meta became chic — *EarthBound* was meta before meta became chic

*[Someone say Street Sharks? JAWESOME -Ed.]*

It draws you in, like a good book or movie!

You must beat TITANIC ANT to get the first Sound Stone — Beat Titantic Ant to get the first Sound Stone

Then record the first of 8 melodies with the Sound Stone — Then use it to record the first of 8 melodies

Breaking the 4th wall again :D — Breaking the 4th wall… again :-D

"Oh. did he have a mohawk?" "Uh NO. But he wore a red hat" — *“He had a mohawk?” “Uh NO. But he wore a red hat”*

By the time I grab my books,
And I give myself a look,
I’m at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by!
It’s alright ’cause I’m saved by the bell!
If the teacher pops a test,
I know I’m in a mess,
And my dog ate all my homework last night,
Ridin’ low in my chair,
She won’t know that I’m there,
If I can hand it in tomorrow, it’ll be all right!
It’s alright, ’cause I’m saved by the bell!

[MY OFFICE — RIGHT NOW -Ed.]

It's refreshing to play an RPG so bonkers — It’s refreshing to play an RPG so bonkers

[On my favorite RPGs list I rank this at... #2... -Ed.] — *[On my favorite RPGs list I rank this at… #2… -Ed.]*

Evokes memories of Peanuts... — *“Damn Google put me out of business!”* *grumbles*

A badass prince (and ladies' man) from a mountain village — More on Mr. X in a bit…

If your humor is offbeat, you'll be right at home — If your humor is offbeat, you’ll be right at home

It made the surroundings feel more intimate

Aliens, ghosts, zombies, Nessie AND dinosaurs?! Yes — It appeals to the 10-year-old inside each of us

The "Cat Sewer Eyes" haunted my childhood... — The “Cat Sewer Eyes” haunted my childhood…

When we were kids, my parents used to drive me and my bro to the Gaming Crew’s neck of the woods. About an hour into the drive we would pass by these sewers covered by giant “cat masks.” It was big enough that my bro and I could spot it clearly even from the freeway hundreds of feet away. I’d always wondered what the hell they were doing there. The cats became a trademark sight that my bro and I would always point to anytime our parents drove us by. This part of EarthBound brought back buried memories of those bizarre giant sewer cat masks…

From suburbia to the far east we go thanks to some Magic Cake! — Magic Cake takes ya from suburbia to the far east

Poo completes your party, adding a certain mystique to the group — Poo adds a certain mystique to the group

You are introduced to the 4th and final player of your party, Poo, or in this case, Mr. X. He’s a smooth cat prince living in the palatial mountain village of Dalaam. Take X on a life-altering quest to gain the power of wisdom, valor and patience as you karate chop and decimate all obstacles blocking you from enlightenment. After all, you simply can’t beat a hideous alien force without the pivotal aid of a badass martial artist who hails from a far away land, can you? Well, maybe, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be nearly as fun.

Sushi-X was, purportedly, a ladies' man. Key word is purportedly — Sushi-X was, purportedly, a ladies’ man. Purportedly

Sushi-X was a cat that ran in my gaming group back in the day. He was older than most of us and he always walked around with this certain aura of mystique. In many ways I looked up to him as a kid growing up. We affectionately nicknamed him Sushi-X for his affection of EGM and Street Fighter II, just like the infamous Sushi-X persona on the old EGM review crew. Unfortunately the game didn’t allow me to fit in “Sushi-X” so I went for the next best thing: “Mr. X.”

Read "Summer of Imports" for more on Nelly — Read *“Summer of Imports”* for more on Nelly

No '80s child can ever forget LITE-BRITE — No ’80s child could ever forget LITE-BRITE

"LITE BRITE, LITE BRITE. MAKE A FACE TO GLOW AT NIGHT!" — *“LITE BRITE, LITE BRITE. Make a face to glow at night!”*

All good things must come to a bittersweet end

JENNIFER — MY CHILDHOOD WINNIE COOPER

Oh, of course. Steve is a gentleman of great probity [Riiight -Ed.] — Of course. Steve, a man of great probity *[Riiight -Ed.]*

We all had one major childhood crush... — We all had one major childhood crush…

Jennifer and Elaine were the two hottest girls in the 5th grade. Nothing could beat being in the same class with your best friend as well as the two cutest girls in school. Nelson favored Elaine while I preferred Jennifer. Sadly, my family moved in the middle of 7th grade and that was the last I saw of Jennifer… until 7 years later. One day during my sophomore year in college I was walking down this long hallway when a young beautiful lady walked right by. Instantly I got a huge whiff of 1994 and was suddenly transported back to my childhood. Could it be, was it — yes, it was Jennifer. Too paralyzed to say anything, I could only watch in silence as we went in opposite directions until she disappeared around the corner. I kicked myself for not saying hi, hoping that we’d bump into each other again. As fate would have it, not long after that, we did. I asked her if she remembered me from elementary school. She smiled warmly and said “Of course. I remember you suddenly left one day in junior high and that was that.” I nodded, the both of us soaking in the moment. Life was different back in the ’90s. We didn’t have Facebook or email to stay in touch. 7 years is a long time not to see or speak to someone but she remembered me. It meant a lot.

A long time ago I used to wonder what might have happened between me and Jennifer had I never moved. My imagination wandered to an alternate future where we’re happily married with two kids, a dog and a white picket fence. She’s now married with a kid. The last time I saw her was about five years ago. I was acting in a musical and she came out to support me. We exchanged pleasantries and hugs after the show in the lobby. And that was the last I ever saw of Jennifer — my childhood Winnie Cooper.

Hey now! What the hell... — Hey now! What the hell…

Wish the game had a drive-in theatre — A drive-in is the only thing EarthBound is missing

KNOW YOUR MOTHER. TREAT HER RIGHT

As many of you know by now, EarthBound is the 16-bit sequel to the 8-bit Famicom game Mother. Mother was released in Japan July 1989, and was set to come out in the US September 1990. But with the impending launch of the SNES, Mother was never released. There’s a pretty fascinating history behind this, and you can find out all the sordid details by way of a quick Google search. There are also some great YouTube history videos on this subject matter. The game has since been fan translated, and is known now as EarthBound Zero. EarthBound on the SNES is known as Mother 2 over in Japan. There was also a Mother 3 released in 2006 for the GBA, but it never left the land of the rising sun. EarthBound is the only Mother game ever to see an official US release. A crime if you think about it.

What would Ness do? Call his mama! — *Mother 3* on the Game Boy Advance (2006)

Mother 3 has since been fan translated. To date, this has been the final game in the beloved Mother series. It’s sad that two of the games never left Japan. It’s a bit sad also that many gamers know of Ness via Super Smash Bros and not EarthBound, although his Smash outings have definitely stirred interest from people who came in knowing nothing about the Mother series. I guess that’s not a bad thing at least.

FUN EARTHBOUND CLONES

There are 2 SNES games I would highly recommend to EarthBound fanatics. Both of them are Super Famicom exclusives with English fan translations available. The first title is called Gunman’s Proof which is actually an action RPG along the lines of a Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. It’s got tons of charm and quirkiness and is simply a load of fun. Think Zelda meets the wild wild west with a dash of EarthBound thrown in for good measure. It’s one of the most criminally underrated SNES games out there. It’s on the short side but I can’t recommend it enough. The second is Adventures of Hourai High. Wacky and zany describes it best. It is like EarthBound meets Final Fantasy V. Taking place in a Japanese high school setting, you can join a wide variety of clubs — this is how you gain different skills. Its sense of offbeat humor is extremely reminiscent of EarthBound, and while it has its fair share of flaws, Hourai High is worth a visit.

Gunman's Proof is one of the best SNES titles that few talk about — One of the best SNES titles that few talk about

Gunman’s Proof is one of my personal favorites. I love the game’s humor, style, atmosphere and fun fast-paced gun slinging action. It’s too damn short (similar to The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang) but it’s a blast, pardon the pun, while it lasts. If you haven’t played it before, I highly suggest rectifying that.

It even apes Earthbound's font. A nice touch indeed — It even apes *EarthBound*‘s font. A nice touch indeed

Adventures of Hourai High is a unique RPG. You can play as a boy or girl. The dialogue is hilarious and almost as entertaining as EarthBound. Sadly, a few key flaws hamper Hourai High from being a notably nice game. The encounter rate is way too high, and there was a major screw-up: weapons and armor equipped do not change your stats. Somehow, the programmers botched this and so you only increase in stats by leveling up. In essence, you never have to buy new weapons or armor. I still recommend it to diehard EarthBound fans however, despite its glaring flaws.

"I am. Traded in my bat for a gun and my cap for a 10 gallon hat" — *“I am. Traded in my bat and cap for a 10 gallon hat”*

WHAT THE CRITICS (AND YOU) SAID

EarthBound is one of those interesting and fascinating cases of a game that got its fair share of love when it came out originally. But really it wasn’t until years later that it exploded in popularity. Curiously, EGM never did review it. GameFan did, however. They gave it scores of 85, 90 and 92%. Super Play Magazine scored it 88%. In a recent poll I asked the public to rate EarthBound on a scale of 1-10. One voter gave it a 1. Another gave it a 7. A few rated it an 8, but the majority of readers voted 9. Of course, there was a healthy smattering of fans who gave it the perfect 10 out of 10 score. Pretty much what I expected — lots of 9s and 10s with one vocal minority who gave it the lowest rating possible. Oh Earthbound, truly the polarizing RPG of our time.

Few RPGs divided gamers as much as this one — Few RPGs divided opinions as much as this one

Nintendo Power ranked it 60th best game of all time — Nintendo Power ranked it #60 on its top 100 list

CLOSING THOUGHTS

EarthBound's awesome contemporary setting helps set it apart — I’ll always stop for pizza. Damn straight, son

I didn’t play EarthBound back in the day. When I started it up in November of 2012 it was an entirely fresh experience. Therefore, zero nostalgia goggles here. Two weeks and 30 hours later, I knew I’d just played one of the most engrossing and captivating games ever. From the refreshing and comforting sights of suburbia in the early stages of the game to the more exotic locales found later on, it took me on an incredible journey of youth, bravery, loyalty and adventure. I felt like I was playing an RPG that combined Goonies, The Wonder Years, Peanuts and Dragon Quest. Not a bad little recipe! If you love RPGs and you still haven’t played this, STOP whatever you’re doing. And go rectify this matter. Now.

EarthBound perfectly captures the sheer awe of childhood, combined with a longing desire to push one’s suburban limits to the very brink. Playing the game made me feel like a kid again. Like I was back in my old hometown haunts hanging out at the arcade, going around town to the local pizza joint and flipping through the latest Goosebumps book at the library. And that’s just the beginning of the game. Soon it all transforms into something much more, as you meet new friends and unlikely allies all in the name of stopping an implacable force known only as Giygas. The game opens with our hero in bed in his striped pajamas. It seems like any other ordinary night in the ol’ neighborhood of suburbia. You are then awoken — it’s great subtle symbolism because for the first time in your young prepubescent life, you’re truly awake. The many wacky, perilous and funny events to unfold all shape this tremendous coming-of-age adventure. You leave home and like any other epic story ever told, you embark on a journey that changes you from a boy to a young man. You’ll conquer many obstacles — both external and internal. Playing EarthBound was like being in a never-ending state of reverie, and I loved every damn second of it.

Few games have left such an memorable imprint — Few games left such an imprint

There’s a certain timeless, nostalgic quality about this game. It stirs the feeling of being a kid in Anytown USA who leaves home to voyage on the adventure of a lifetime. From your local 3-story mall to far away lands exotic, mysterious and menacing, EarthBound tugs on all the right notes to create an experience like no other. The music’s an eclectic mix that’s among the best you’ll hear on the SNES. The gameplay is fairly standard, but there are some nice ideas here like instant wins and a rolling health meter. But EarthBound is so much more than this. EarthBound is, quite simply, a quintessential tale of growing up and overcoming trials in a not so perfect world. It’s light-hearted yet serious when it needs to be. The many diverse locales are great and I find the visuals to be a bit underrated. Many like to dismiss it, but I love the style and can’t imagine the game any other way. There’s a reason why EarthBound has so many fervent fans. It was a work of art that resonated with our inner child, leaving us with a lasting and memorable impression. Indeed, the tale of Ness and his friends is one that has stood the test of time. And one that I believe will continue to do so for generations to come.

Graphics: 7.5
Sound: 10
Gameplay: 9
Longevity: 9

Overall: 10

FUZZY PICKLES!

PLATINUM AWARD

The Summer of Imports

Culled from Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman — Culled from *Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman*

This is a story of how a best friend, one groovy dad and some enticing imports made the summer of 1994 one for the ages. As a kid, I’d always dreamt of having one perfect summer. And 22 years ago… I found it. Some summers stay with you forever. Some more than others. On any given hot, lazy June Saturday afternoon, I still can’t help but think back to that fateful day. It was a summer of discovery… a summer of magic… THE SUMMER OF IMPORTS. There’s something about summer and gaming that goes together; especially though, when we were kids. There was a magic to it.

Ahhh -- childhood summer memories — *You just needed your best friend + some good games*

Nothing completes a healthy childhood quite like sharing it with a best friend. While I had my legendary out-of-town gaming crew, I was fortunate enough to have a best friend outside of that group, Nelson, who lived within walking distance. We grew up together being best friends since Kindergarten. He and I were often in the same class together and we shared the same interest in just about everything. We spent a bulk of our weekends hanging out and playing games. Whenever I think back to my childhood or to the glory days of gaming, inevitably, Nelson always comes to mind.

Read more about my adventures with Nelly here — Read more about my adventures with Nelly

I’d like to take a moment to pay my respects to the memory of renting games back in the ‘90s. Every weekend my dad would take me to the local rental store(s) and I would pluck out one title to bring back home. My brother, Kevin, was too shy or embarrassed (or both) to go rent games, so he always made me his little grunt to carry out the deed. Though I was renting the games he wanted (well, at least most of the time…) there was always something magical to those pseudo-adventures my dad and I shared. It was a weekly tradition, rain or shine. Sometimes, even Nelly would join me on those renting excursions. And there was one such instance that happened 22 years ago that left an indelible mark on us, making that summer one he and I would never forget.

The year was 1994, and as the final piercing school bell of that year rang, the euphoric cries of 800 kids rang out even louder. We all knew what stood ahead: 2 and a ½ relentless months of splendid carefree summer days: no teachers, no homework, and no school to interfere with our final days of childhood. As much as I love the fall and winter seasons for Halloween and Christmas, there is nothing… and I mean NOTHING… like summer time, especially when you had a best friend like Nelson to share it with. He and I had just finished the 5th grade together. It was the best year of my childhood. My best friend was in my class; we had Mr. G, the best teacher ever; we had the two hottest girls in our class, Elaine and Jennifer, and Nelson and I were simply at the top of our game. We were 10 years old, going on 11 that summer. We had come of age, and that summer was one for the ages.

Nelson rode his bike over the very first Saturday morning of that summer and my dad drove us to Game Hunter. Game Hunter was a legendary privately owned video game rental store. It was renowned in my neck of the woods for catering to the diehard gamer. Game Hunter didn’t bother to waste time with movies. It had every video gaming system library under the sun from the 8-bit Nintendo to the Neo Geo. Being able to actually touch and pick up those classic bulky Neo Geo boxes was incredible. Game Hunter even housed an arcade machine or two, plus they had a small anime section. How many stores could claim that?! Simply put, Game Hunter was a little slice of gaming paradise.

But, what made them stand out was their unforgettable import selection. Back then, imports symbolized a whole lot more than merely just the Japanese version of a game. Indeed, back then, imports held a certain aura of mystique to them, especially when you read all the little blurbs on those games in Electronic Gaming Monthly and DieHard GameFan on a monthly basis, realizing that they were an ocean away and that you would never even so much as sniff one. Seeing a wall covered by hundreds of Super Famicom boxes never failed to amaze my little ten year old eyes. They sat on the very top shelf, purposely out of reach. It was symbolic, even. They would cover the entire upper wall from left to right. You were completely mesmerized as your eyeballs darted from one treasure to another. It was a never-ending parade of divine, exotic esctasy. These were games that were either Japanese exclusives, or Japanese versions of games that were set to hit American soil a month or two later. It was nothing short of magical, and a time in my life that I’ll always cherish.

*** FLASH BACK TO LATE 1992 ***

Game Hunter’s origins began innocently enough on what appeared to be just another ordinary Saturday morning. But as fate would have it, this particular Saturday morning was anything but. My dad and I were set to embark on our latest renting escapade together. But first we had to stop by my cousin’s house which was a good 15 minutes away. After that my dad needed to run an errand at the local drug store a block from my cousin’s house. I didn’t mind as I always enjoyed being out with my dad, especially after a long school week. Little did I know that fateful morning I would stumble upon GAME HUNTER. The store was decked out from top to bottom with video games from every system imaginable. You had the 8-bit Nintendo, Neo Geo, handheld games and everything else under the sun. I wasn’t a religious kid but I’m pretty sure I thanked God right then and there.

I made my way over to the SNES section looking for my brother’s requested title of choice. When I happened to gaze up, I discovered the upper shelf teeming with hypnotic Super Famicom imports. At that point, all bets were off as I had officially gone rogue. Sorry, Kevin. Power Athlete caught my eye. My dad lifted it off the top shelf and I examined the back of the box. It was a Street Fighter II clone. Sold! My dad obliged and that day I came home with the Japanese version of Power Moves. My brother flipped out because A). I disobeyed him and B). we found out that it didn’t even play on our Super Nintendo; it refused to fit inside the cartridge slot. I had never seen my brother so damn angry before. I promptly called Game Hunter to let them know of my plight, and they explained how I had to rent the device that allows one to play import games on an American SNES. Yeah thanks guy, you could have warned me about that before I left. Yeah, let’s just say Game Hunter was never known for their stellar customer service. But, much like how one goes to Five Guys for greasy goodness, we went to Game Hunter for their legendary and vast gaming library. After all, nobody goes to a concert for meditation.

"CYBORGS AIN'T LADIES!" — **“CYBORGS AIN’T LADIES!”**

Luckily, they still had one in stock and said they would hold it for me. So, being the great father that my old man was, we traveled back to Game Hunter to pick it up. This time, even my brother came along as he himself wanted to come see this new store that I’d hyped to the moon. Once there, our pops rented the special converter adapter for a dollar while Kevin and I stood there gawking at the import selection. The very next week, he and I went back and we picked up our 2nd import game, The Combatribes. We had fun terminating Martha Splatterhead and her sleazy gangs. Game Hunter became our new favorite store. It was revered within my gaming circle for damn good reason.

*** BACK TO JUNE 1994 ***

There Nelson and I stood, eyes popping, drool coming down the side of our mouths. On the very top shelf sat the Super Famicom ports of Fighter’s History, King of the Monsters 2 and Saturday Night Slam Masters (Japanese name Muscle Bomber). These were 3 arcade-to-SNES conversions that Nelson and I were dying to play! And on that idyllic June Saturday morning there they stood right before our very eyes. Their US counterparts were still weeks, even months away! After a brief moment of dead silence, Nelson and I looked at each other in astonishment. And just like how it was over a year ago when I first saw Power Athlete, at that precise moment in time I’d forgotten whatever game my brother wanted me to rent. Once more, I had gone rogue.

Who didn't want to use Karnov in a fighting game? — Who didn’t want to use Karnov in a fighting game?

The only “dilemma” was picking which one of those three games to rent. The indispensable thing about having your best friend along with you meant he could rent one and you could rent one. Nelson was adamant on choosing Fighter’s History, the infamous Street Fighter II clone that Capcom even attempted to sue. I was plenty happy about that as I loved Fighter’s History in the arcades and was long anticipating the SNES port. I always felt the game was a bit underrated. Good pick Nelly! Now it was my turn. King of the Monsters 2 or Muscle Bomber?

Who didn't want to use Haggar in a wrestling game? — Who didn’t want to use Haggar in a wrestling game?

I had played Saturday Night Slam Masters a good bit in the arcades. I adored Capcom’s representation of the zany pro wrestling world cranked to the 10th degree, thanks to Slam Masters’ comic book-like violence and über-wacky wrestlers that were even MORE outrageous than those found in the WWF. After all, few things can rival spewing venomous mist into someone’s eyes, or piledrivering bastards into oblivion all over the globe with Metro City’s mayor! It was a tough call at first, but then I remembered something…

Time to put my great white whale to rest!

King of the Monsters 2 and I were like two SHIPS PASSING IN THE NIGHT. Somehow, we always missed one another. I never played the arcade once. As a staunch supporter of the original, I was dying to FINALLY play the sequel. From 1992 to 1994, finding a King of the Monsters 2 arcade became my white whale, so to speak. None of the local arcades had it for whatever reason. And the one time that I did find it, it was at an arcade hall 2 hours away from home, but of course the machine was broken. That sums it up perfectly. It was that one game that somehow always managed to elude me. Standing there with a choice between Saturday Night Slam Masters or my great white whale, King of the Monsters 2, it dawned on me suddenly which one I was going to pick.

As Nelson and I rode home in the backseat talking excitedly about our import finds, it dawned on me that I soon had to face the music. The last time I went rogue and rebelled against my brother he did everything but tear up the house. But I figured with Nelson by my side, maybe Kevin would be less demonstrative. After all, in public or whenever there were guests, Kevin had no choice but to uphold a certain degree of decorum. Nelson knew this even without my having to ask him for backup. That’s how close we were. Like I said at the beginning, nothing completes a healthy childhood quite like having a best friend support you through thick and thin. He gave me a nod as my dad pulled into the driveway; I knew he had my back. The moment of truth had arrived. My dad went inside the house as Nelly and I stood there on the driveway — import games in hand.

We were delaying the inevitable. But there’s a reason they call it the inevitable.

“Did you get it??” my brother asked excitedly as he came to the door a minute later.

“Uhhh, no. But I got this,” I stammered, handing the game over to him as if it were an adequate consolation prize. It wasn’t.

“King of the Monsters 2?!” A mixture of shock and disgust filled his voice. “Was my game there for rent or not?” His eyes, which had turned into burning coal, burrowed its way deep in my soul.

I could easily have lied, “No, your game was rented out.” But I was a straight shooter. In hindsight… maybe I was being foolish. But I had made my choice to disobey my brother. The least I could do was be honest about it. When I told him I forgot to look for his title once Nelson and I caught sight of the imports, my brother lost control. The scary thing was all this happened even in front of Nelson. I can only imagine how much crazier it would have been without Nelson there next to me. My brother flipped out, stomping and screaming expletives like a drunken sailor. Then he ran to my room, sprinted back and threw my Crash Dummy break-apart plush buddy, Spin, out the door. It smacked me in the face with such velocity that the head flew off its shoulders. Thank goodness it was just plush! Nelly retrieved the head which had rolled onto my front lawn and placed it back on Spin’s headless Velcro neck. You would have thought that I killed my brother’s puppy or something. He stormed off, leaving the door open. You know those parts in action movies where the guy says, “Don’t you think this is a trap?” Yeah. I took one glance inside and then back at Nelson. Once again, without even having to say a word, he knew. Just to confirm, he said, “Um… let’s go back to my place for a while…”

Shoot, you don’t gotta tell me twice! I fled the crime scene faster than OJ Simpson.

Walking back to Nelly's house — Walking back to Nelly’s house

And so it was. On the first Saturday afternoon of my last carefree childhood summer, I found myself walking with Nelly to his house. He clutched his copy of Fighter’s History while I held King of the Monsters 2, along with my Crash Dummy action buddy, Spin. I’m sure we were a sight for sore eyes. As soon as we got out of viewing distance, Nelson started trash talking my bro. One might think I would happily join in to pile on, but no. Like a battered victim of Stockholm syndrome, I actually defended my brother a little bit. Hey, blood is blood, no? Sure my bro could be a little rough around the edges, and there were plenty of times where I wished he could have been more quixtoic and slow to anger, but you don’t get to choose family. I mean, sure, he could snap every once in a while, but he wasn’t a bad guy, or a psycho or anything. Nelson couldn’t believe I was defending Kevin. Finally the matter was dropped as his house came into view. Suddenly, the excitement of our import snags revived us. We were about to play two arcade conversions not anyone else in the entire town had, so that made us, as far as we were concerned, the two luckiest sumbitches that weekend ^_^

There are some gaming images you'll never forget — There are some gaming images you’ll never forget

We wasted no time firing up Nelly’s Super Nintendo. We threw in Fighter’s History first and took turns wasting the computer opponents. We were both impressed by how faithful it was to the arcade original. There was a simplicity to the game that Nelson and I found to be charming. To this day I can’t play Fighter’s History without remembering that fateful Saturday afternoon at Nelly’s. It was so hot that we propped open the living room windows and left the front door wide open. Lee’s stage is SEARED into my retina. That peaceful and calm lake, the family of ducks nibbling away, a fisherman enjoying the great outdoors with his line dipped lazily in the water, and those picture-esque moss-covered hills in the background. Finally, a formation of clouds move their way through the sky in a very haunting and majestic manner. This bucolic stage SCREAMS June 1994 to me. It’s an incredibly nostalgic sight and anytime I see it, I’m transported right back to Nelson’s living room 22 years ago. This stage perfectly captures that whole time frame for me. One look and it feels like I’m 10 hanging out with my best friend on a hot June Saturday afternoon all over again.

Then we swapped it out for King of the Monsters 2. He chose Cyber Woo (the King Kong doppelgänger) and I picked Super Geon (the Godzilla lookalike). We waded our way through the various cities demolishing everything in sight. Beating all the bosses 2-on-1 handicap style made for mindless monster mash ‘em up fun. Finally, after several hours of switching between the two games, late afternoon descended upon us and we agreed that maybe Kevin had cool down by now. Nelson headed back with me. We couldn’t hide out at Nelly’s forever. The only question left… was Kevin still pissed?

I was SHOCKED to my bone all right... — I was *SHOCKED* to my bone all right…

I found out that day that miracles exist when Kevin no longer wanted to kill me. Instead, he wanted to kill giant alien monsters from outer space. It’s funny how we each had our own pet favorite. Nelson liked Cyber Woo, I dug Super Geon and my brother was all about Atomic Guy. The three of us rotated turns and passed off the controller whenever one of us died. On some stages it was Kevin and me. At other times it was Nelly and me. There was even Kevin and Nelson. Seeing them laughing together as they trashed the Grand Canyon was pretty cool. A few hours ago no one could have predicted this outcome. Now watching the two of them working together as one cohesive unit, you never would have thought there was any kind of beef there. It was poetic, even. And of all the gaming memories I harbor, that one remains, still to this day, one of the sweetest ones. It’s a reminder of how gaming has a strange way of bringing people together.

Saturday night's alright for fighting — Saturday night’s alright for fighting

The three of us played King of the Monsters 2 and Fighter’s History to death that unforgettable weekend, before returning them both late on Sunday evening. I told my brother we also saw Saturday Night Slam Masters. He grew pale at the mention, being a Slam Masters fanatic. We’d played it tons in the arcade. He ordered me to go rent it the next weekend. This time in particular, I was more than happy to carry out his command. No fat chance of me going rogue, as Slam Masters was also right up my alley with its outlandishly wacky wrestlers and frenetic 4-player mayhem. Giant foam fingers, flashing cameras, comic book moves come to life, and Mike F’N Haggar, made Saturday Night Slam Masters or in this case, Muscle Bomber, one fantastic brawl-for-all.

A SPECIAL GAME HUNTER EULOGY

In Loving Memory of Game Hunter — **In Loving Memory of GAME HUNTER**

Game Hunter eventually closed shop in the late ’90s as rental stores started to become more and more a thing of the past — they were fast going the way of the dinosaur. While their service wasn’t always top-notch, I’ll always remember them fondly for their import selection. Game Hunter arrived during a precious period of my childhood, and at a special time in gaming when renting games blindly and taking weekend trips with your old man was all part of the magic and wonder of the hobby. Sometimes the game you wanted was rented out at the first two or three rental stores, so you had to go to your 4th or 5th option around town to find it.. It just meant more hunting and more quality time spent with your old man. I’ll never forget those days when my dad and I would hit up all the rental stores every Saturday afternoon, rain or shine. They symbolized a simpler time in my life. A time where bills, junk emails and clogged six-lane highways didn’t yet exist. The renting relics of my youth were more than just brick and mortar. They are deeply embedded in what made gaming as a child so magical and wondrous. I’m so thankful I was able to enjoy it with a best pal like Nelson.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

The summer of 1994 was memorable for many reasons. It’s hard to believe those halcyon days are over twenty years old now. I credit Game Hunter, the Super Nintendo and Nelson for helping to create so many fond memories. It was in large part thanks to those three that made summer of ’94, the last carefree summer of my childhood, bar none, the best one I had as a kid.

Jesse’s Girl

Where can I find a woman like that? — Where can I find a woman like THAT?

“Women.

You can’t live with them.

And you can’t live without them.”

Throughout the course of history, man has always been mystified, befuddled and captivated by the female race. Whether it was your first serious crush in the 5th grade or “the one you let get away,” since the dawn of civilization men have longed to find the right partner. For some it comes easier than others. Regardless, safe to say many of us will agree that we’ve all experienced some type of heartbreak and success along the way. Some have already found “true love.” Others are still searching. The rest simply may not (yet) care.

Whichever end of the spectrum you fall under, you have to admit, the relationship dynamics between man and woman is a timeless tale, almost akin to that of good vs. evil (and Lord knows which one we are). Tonight, I’m proud to present to you a great story of man and woman. From the days of when cavemen threw down to prove their love and gain the affection of fair Ms. Cave Lady, when it comes to love, all bets are off. Maybe gloves, too. Sometimes, you can’t even trust your own friends…

But does love really, truly conquer in the end?

IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT

Growing up in the late ’80s to mid ’90s was a glorious time. Among awesome Saturday morning cartoons and toys, you had the 8-bit NES phenomenon, the epic 16-bit rivalry, the 2D Fighting Game Golden Age, the DooM era, Nickelodeon, Hulkamania, Michael Jordan, and so on. Of course, such a list would be incomplete without mentioning those four magical letters…

C’mon, think back some 25 years… what ruled Friday nights?

"YOU GOT IT, DUDE!" — **“YOU GOT IT, DUDE!”**

TGIF exploded onto the scene in the late ’80s and enjoyed many successful years of high viewership. My favorite lineup? Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers and Step By Step. Just two straight hours of enjoyable family programming. There was nothing like dashing out of school every Friday afternoon, beating the record you set the previous Friday, hanging out at your best friend’s house (or vice versa), playing video games galore and then at 8 plunking your little hiney right in front of the tube. You knew for the next two hours you were set for a night of good laughs and cheers. What a terrific way to ring in the weekend! Oh kids today don’t know what they’re missing…

My favorite show from the TGIF lineup was a dead tie between Full House and Family Matters. During Full House‘s infancy, the show had six characters: Danny was the father of DJ, Steph and Michelle Tanner. His wife Pam sadly passed away. To help Danny raise the three girls you have Danny’s brother-in-law (Pam’s brother), Uncle Jesse, and Danny’s best pal, Joey. Shenanigans and sappy pep talks ensued. It’s corny but to me that was part of its charm.

Tonight, I pay tribute to my favorite episode from one of my all-time favorite shows.

It’s got the lot, this one:

Thunderstorm

Flashbacks

Pink bunnies

Mr. Potato Head

Abe Lincoln on a stick

Bob Saget

Oh yeah [Sounds a bit dodgy… -Ed.]

So go ahead — don your fanny pack and throw on a snap bracelet — because we’re about to wind up the wayback machine and pay a visit to simpler times.

WHERE WE’RE GOING TONIGHT, BABY, WE DON’T NEED ROADS!

Enjoy. And of course, we gotta start with the Full House intro, no?

JESSE’S GIRL (original air date: November 6, 1987)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" — *“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”*

"Joey! What's going on down here? What's with all the screaming?" — *“What’s going on down here? What’s with all the screaming?”*

"Danny, this psycho was about to mash my potato" — *“Danny, this psycho was about to mash my potato”*

“I WAS NOT — I heard a noise down here; I thought it was a prowler.”

“Liar.”

“SHHH! Follow me, I think it’s over here…”

“Hello..”

“AHHHH!”

"Do you guys play baseball every night after we go to sleep?" — *“Do you guys play baseball every night after we go to sleep?”*

“Well actually girls, um, your uncle Jesse’s holding a bat because he’s a WEE bit miffed at me.”

“A WEE bit miffed?? I’m miffed off! When I think about what you did to me…”

“Come on Jesse! Let’s let bygones be bygones…”

“Alright — bye, YER GONE.“

“I don’t know what’s going on here, but why don’t you guys just STOP this and… give each other a hug.”

“I’m not in the mood. You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s all because of a little story entitled Mean Mr. Joey Stabs Sweet Innocent Uncle Jesse In The Back.”

"STORY TIME!" "YEAH!!!" — *“STORY TIME!” “YEAH!!!”*

“Girls, you don’t want to hear Mean Mr. Joey Stabs Sweet Innocent Uncle Jesse In The Back, do you?”

“Yeah, it’s got a great title!”

“All right, one quick story but DON’T even think of staying up to watch Letterman. This better be PG.”

“It all started last week. The exterminator business was slow so I decided to start teaching guitar. I was waiting for my new student to show up…”

“She’s a laaaaay-deeeee. Sh — no, she’s a wooomb-maaan. *pause* She’s a moo-chaaaaa-chaaaa. … Maybe she’s a man.”

“Uncle Jesse, there’s a girl here to see you. This one’s GREAT.”

“Oh, that must be my new guitar student.”

“Yeah, RIGHT… come on in!”

“I’m Corina Spicer.”

“I’m Jesse Cochran.”

“… I’m outta here!”

“Corina… that’s a real pretty name… SO! Welcome to the Jesse Cochran School of Music. I’ll take this for ya.” *takes guitar*

“Interesting decor… I don’t meet a lot of men with pink little bunnies on their walls.”

“I’m also a mouseketeer.”

“I like that in a man.”

“Good! Cause today is ‘Anything Can Happen’ day…”

"Here, take a seat. Why! Because we like you! Ha, I kill myself..." — *“Here, take a seat. Why! Because we like you! Ha, I kill myself”*

“Jesse, I have to warn you. I have absolutely NO musical experience. I teach 2nd grade and I wanna accompany my kids in sing-alongs.”

"That's wonderful, you get to work with children. I LOVE YOUNGSTERS!" — *“That’s wonderful, you get to work with children. I LOVE YOUNGSTERS!”*

"AW." "AWWWW! Poor Mister Teddy" — *“Aw.” “AWWWW! Poor Mister Teddy”*

“I tell you what, as soon as we’re done, I’ll help you sew Mr. Teddy’s head right back on Mr. Teddy’s body.”

"OK honey bunch sugar pie?" — *“OK honey bunch sugar pie?”*

JessGirl31 — *“Honey bunch? SUGAR PIE?! THIS IS WEIRD”*

*Corina giggles*

“Yer pretty — WATCH HIM!“

“Haha, my little niece, I could just eat her up… OK, back to music.”

After the lesson I invited Corina out for a little ride on my motorcycle. Seven hours later…

JessGirl32 — *Jesse and Corina enters laughing*

“You wanna stay and have a drink?”

“Oh I really can’t, I got other plans but thank you for a GREAT day. Guitar lessons, a picnic by the bay, candlelight dinner in the wine country. You do this for ALL your students?”

"Well that was the deluxe lesson. That'll be four hundred seventy-five dollas!" — *“Well that was the deluxe lesson. That’ll be four hundred seventy-five dollars!”*

“Your check’s in the mail.”

“Alright.”

“I’ll see you next lesson, Wednesday night.”

“OK… Corina, I had a really nice time today.”

“Those are my nieces.”

“Heh… bye Jesse.”

“Bye Corina…” *closes door* “HAVE MERCY!“

"Don't ever ooooh when your uncle's kissing" — *“Don’t ever ooooh when your uncle’s kissing”*

"Joey, this was actually cleaner when the food was cooking in it" — *“Joey, this was actually cleaner when the food was cooking in it”*

JessGirl38 — *“Jesse, we saved you some chili”*

“Not hungry.”

“Oh brother, not again.”

“Ohh-kaaay, what’s her name?”

“Corina.”

"KOR-REEN-NA?! Don't you ever meet a Debbie, or a Susie?" — *“KOR-REEN-NA?! Don’t you ever meet a Debbie, or a Susie?”*

“OK fine, you guys crack all the jokes you want. But I’m tellin’ ya, when our eyes met, there was magic.”

“With you there’s always magic. You should wear a top hat and pull white doves out of your pants.”

“Fine, fine.”

“In Jesse’s defense, when it comes to love, I think anything is possible. I felt the same instant magic when I met Pam. She walked into my tenth grade geometry class, sat down right next to me and I said (speaks in high pitched voice), ‘Hi, can I borrow your slide rule?'”

“You didn’t reach puberty by the tenth grade?”

“Not ’til I met Pam. But the next morning, I woke up with a mustache.”

"I'm sorry, no sale, boys. Love just does NOT happen that fast" — *“I’m sorry, no sale, boys. Love just does NOT happen that fast”*

“Hey guys, you know how I know it’s real? I can’t stop smiling. I’m just smiling away like I’m Nancy Reagan… I just can’t stop smiling…”

"I STOPPED. Thanks to him. But Corina and I were madly in love" — *“I STOPPED. Thanks to him. But Corina and I were madly in love”*

"We did see them kissing.... EWWWWW!" — *“We did see them kissing… EWWWWW!”*

“Jesse, please stop making out in front of my kids.”

"Mr. Backstabber, why don't you tell everybody what YOU did today" — *“Mr. Backstabber, why don’t you tell everybody what YOU did today”*

"Well, I woke up, turned off the alarm, did that stretching thing -- " — *“Well, I woke up, turned off the alarm, did that stretching thing — “*

“NOT THE STRETCHING THING, THE BACKSTABBING THING!”

“Hey could you pick up the pace a little bit? I’d like to get the girls to bed before Good Morning, America.”

“Well, it was stormy, and me, Danny and the girls were getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz…”

“Here we goooo! Popcorn du jour, all in honor of Stephanie’s first viewing of The Wizard of Oz.”

“I’m psyched!”

“You should be, honey, it’s the sweetest little movie. There’s this pretty girl Dorothy, and she’s got this adorable dog, Toto, who gets… kidnapped by this horrible witch… but she gets her dog back and her house flies through the air and then… it, it lands on this… other horrible witch… whose feet curl up like party favors.

*ding dong*

Trust me honey, it’s the sweetest little movie.”

“Hi, I’m Joey, can I help you please?”

“I’m here to see Jesse.”

“Aren’t they all?”

“I’m Corina Spicer. I have a guitar lesson.”

“Oh, uh Jesse called to say he’s running a little bit late. Would you like to watch The Wizard of Oz with us?”

“Oh that’s my favorite movie.”

“Oh mine too. Come on in. Uh Corina this is Danny, Stephanie, DJ and Michelle. Corina.”

“Hi!”

“Oh dad something happened to the TV. It’s snowing in Kansas.”

“The cable goes out every time there’s a storm.”

“Fix it!”

“Steph, this is not something I can fix.”

“Fix it!”

“Steph, I’m gonna call the cable company.”

“You’ll get a BUSY signal. FIX IT!“

"Why wasn't I born a cable repair man?!" — *“Why wasn’t I born a cable repair man?!”*

“Hey no problem. I do that Wizard of Oz bit in my act.”

“SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING, I’m very upset!”

“OK everyone, gather around for The Wizard of Oz. Grab a seat right in front. Here we go!”

"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" — *“AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”*

“Oooh, sure is scary around these parts. There’s probably lions and tigers and bears oh my. C’mon you guys. Lions and tigers and bears oh my! LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS OH MY!!“

“RRRRRRRRAAAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH! PUT ‘EM UP PUT ‘EM UP! IF I… WERE THE KING… OF A FOOOORRRRREST… HA-HA-HA!”

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!" — *“I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!”*

“I’m melting… melting… I feel like… butter!“

“If Oz had the power to get back to Kansas, just click your heels together three times and say, There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

*makes tornado sound* “Dorothy, wake up, your tea’s finished.”

*applause*

“Well, what did you think?”

“FIX IT!”

“Oh Joey, I loved it!”

“Yeah. That was incredible simulation. I hope you don’t feel bad when I rent the tape tomorrow. OK girls, come on, it’s time to get into your pajamas and ready for bed.”

“AWWWWWWWW!”

“This should only take… five or six hours… good night!”

“Aww, great kids.”

“Yeah they’re the greatest kids in the history of kids.”

“I love how children are SO open and natural. I think that’s why I went into teaching.”

JessGirl58 — *“That’s why I refuse to grow up”*

“Ohhh, you seem pretty grown up to me.”

“Haha, who, me? The guy who keeps Abe Lincoln on a stick in his bedroom?”

“Joey, you are SO funny. I think that a sense of uh, humor is a very sexy quality in a man. Your girlfriend must adore you.”

“Oh, I — I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You’re not seeing anybody?”

“Well sort of. I’m seeing the dentist next Wednesday.”

“Well, if things don’t work out between you and the dentist, maaaaybeeee… you and I could get together.”

“Well, Dr. Hoffman is pretty cute, but he is married. So uh, pick a time.”

“How about right after my guitar lesson with Jesse?”

“Jesse… Corina… JESSE YEAH! Ah ha, yeah, uhhh, excuse me, I’m gonna go check on something in the kitchen…”

“Uhhhh, no, I’m doing fine.”

"What exactly are you checking on?" — *“What exactly are you checking on?”*

"Oh, I'm just doing some uh.... RANDOM.... checking" — *“Oh, I’m just doing some uh… RANDOM… checking”*

"Salt, pepper, DUCK, stove..." — *“Salt, pepper, DUCK, stove…”*

"... sink, faucet, Jesse's Girl... well, everything checks out" — *“… sink, faucet, Jesse’s Girl. Well, everything checks out”*

“You know, he’s really crazy about you.”

“Yeah, well Jesse’s really a terrific guy. I mean, we had a really nice day together. But to be honest, there was really nothing special between us.”

“That’s not exactly how Jesse puts it. And if there’s one thing in life that’s sacred, you never mess with a buddy’s girl.”

“But I’m NOT his girl. All Jesse and I had between us was one little innocent kiss good-bye. It was nothing really… it, it was one of these.”

*quick peck*

“Oh, that right there, that was nothing…”

“It’s how I kiss my grandmother.”

“You must be very close.”

“It was like four lips shaking hands. Look, I think we can try again…”

Audience: "OH SNAPS!" — Audience: *“OH SNAPS!”*

"Oh good, you're home" — *“Oh good, you’re home”*

Yeah, like you were for Fuller House... — Yeah, like you were for Fuller House…

“So, where was I?”

“I came in and found you kissing the woman of my dreams.”

“Oh yeah… good memory.”

“So there we were. Jesse had walked in to find me kissing the woman of his dreams.”

"The hell's going on here?" — *“The hell’s going on here?”*

“Well Jesse, actually, it’s, it’s very simple. Um, Corina was choking on some bad cheese, so I initiated a Heimlich maneuver…

… And when that didn’t work, I tried to suck out the cheese… using the HOOVER maneuver!”

Sooo, you weren't kissing, you were SEARCHING for cheese?" — *“Sooo, you weren’t kissing, you were SEARCHING for cheese?”*

“… You look upset.”

“OH why would I be upset? You saving the life of someone who’s very special to me.”

“Uh Corina please. I’m not really in the mood to give a guitar lesson tonight. Besides, you’re probably still reeling from that near-death-by-cheese, why don’t you go home and practice.”

“Jesse wait a minute. There’s something I have to say… Corina really wasn’t choking on any bad cheese.”

“Corina, Joey and I should probably, uh, have a word together alone…”

“Look, I’m really sorry if there’s any sort of misunderstanding. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.”

“Oh, there won’t be any trouble. Jesse and I are very close friends. We’ll have a heart-to-heart, and work this thing out in a very calm, adult, rational manner.”

"FREEZE! I have a baby and I know how to use it!" — *“FREEZE! I have a baby and I know how to use it!”*

“JOEY…”

“I’m warning you, she’s loaded!”

“PUT THE BABY DOWN.“

“Not a chance.”

“OK… OK fine, I’ll wait. You gotta put the kid down some time. Two three days that diaper’s gonna weigh five to six hundred pounds!”

“Jesse, I’m REALLY sorry. I should have stopped everything cold before anything happened. I should have talked to you.”

“Really…”

“Yeah, you were right. I felt this instant magic and I fell in love with her.”

“YOU fell in love with her… you CAN’T fall in love with her, man. I fell in love with her FIRST!“

“I’m sorry, but she likes me more.”

“How can she like YOU more than she likes ME!“

“Boys… stop this. Michelle has enough love for ALL of us. Don’t make her choose. Now both of you, give her a kiss. Go ahead, give her a kiss.”

“So now a second woman had come between us. I wanted to talk things out but Jesse said he couldn’t stand to look at me. Apparently, a Louisville Slugger puts him in the mood for a conversation.”

“I told ya — I heard a noise. I wasn’t gonna bat ya.”

“Alright girls, it’s time to go to sleep. Your uncle Jesse and Joey have told you such a WONDERFUL bedtime story. I’m sure you’ll have visions of jealous little sugar plums dancing in your heads.”

"But wait a minute! How does the story end?" — *“But wait a minute! How does the story end?”*

“Well Joey’s guilt drives him TOTALLY insane, BUT NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE.”

JessGirl104 — *“I don’t think so. Who gets the girl?”*

“It’s a WHOLE different world the second we go to sleep.”

“Good night, girls.”

“Good night, Dad.”

“Guys, come here.”

“What do you want now?”

“Before you guys duel to the death, let’s have one more conversation to work this out.”

“Not with this scum.”

“OK then just talk to me. Let me ask you boys a question, or two, about your beloved Corina. What are the things she cares about most in the world?”

“What does she look for in a relationship with a man?”

“Let’s try this one: what color are her eyes?”

“Hazel!”

“Green!”

“Green hazel, hazel green…”

"They have white around the edges I think" — *“They have white around the edges I think”*

"Anyone know her last name?" — *“Anyone know her last name?”*

“Pat Sajak knows more about his contestants. You know, I DON’T THINK you fell in love with Corina. THAT TAKES TIME. I think maybe… you fell in love with being in love. Am I right, Jesse?”

“I DO seem to fall in love a lot. Just because I’m ALWAYS HOPING that this is THE ONE. I just want to meet one nice special girl I can spend my life with.”

"Aww Jesse, everybody WANTS THAT" — *“Aww Jesse, everybody WANTS THAT”*

“But you don’t have to try so hard. When the right woman comes along, you really will know it.”

“I coulda sworn Corina was it. Maybe I did go a little overboard. I guess I was just shocked that she liked me as much as I liked her.”

"Why you shocked? Have a little faith in yourself you're a good guy" — *“Why you shocked? Have a little faith in yourself you’re a good guy”*

“As much as I hate to admit it, it seems like Corina likes you more than she likes me… GOD, I hate to admit it! Alright, you’re not scum.”

“I know that comes from your heart, Jess.”

“That was ALMOST semi-touching.”

*rustling noise from outside*

“You hear that noise?! I told you something’s out here!”

“Hi.”

“Corina! What are you doing here? Come in.”

“I really felt terrible about tonight and I came back to apologize. But then I heard chatting so I started to go home. Then I felt EVEN worse so I decided to come back! … Look, you both are GREAT GUYS and I would HATE to do anything to mess up your friendship. I’m really sorry. OK, now I’m gonna go home, AGAIN, good bye!”

… I may have met you first but I… think we all know who belongs together here. Why don’t you take some time and get to know Joey. He’s a good guy. He’s got pajama problems but…”

“I LOVE THIS GUY!”

“Hug her, NOT ME, ya big dummy!”

“Sorry.”

“C’mon Jesse let’s leave these two alone. By the way, what were you REALLY gonna do with the bat?”

“I was gonna kill him.”

“That’s what I woulda done.”

“Good niiight!”

“Good night, girls.”

“GOOD NIIIGHT!”

EPILOGUE

I fell in love with this episode during my Spring Break of 2005. It was 2 AM, I couldn’t sleep and so I flipped on the TV. The stormy beginning set the mood right. The episode hit close to home — at that time I got out of a relationship with a girl who I thought was the one, but wasn’t. It wasn’t the prettiest of breakups, and people got hurt. But that’s love for ya. Or at least the search for love, anyhow. As Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years once put it eloquently:

“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… who might be searching for us.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Earlier this year (February 2016), Full House received a revival on Netflix. It was hugely popular, and a Season 2 was quickly announced. It’s a fun little twist on the old formula. Now DJ is the widow, with three boys, and Stephanie and Kimmy play the roles of female Uncle Jesse and Joey. It is a bit corny, but hey, so too was the original. I enjoyed Fuller House.

That living room brings back so many memories

By the way, the name of the episode “Jesse’s Girl” was inspired by the infamous ’80s song Jessie’s Girl (Rick Springfield). Here’s the music video:

And here’s a fun/interesting remake of the song, performed by Frickin’ A. Look for the Rick Springfield cameo!

Finally, oddly enough, the character Corina Spicer (Elizabeth Keifer) was a one hit wonder (it was her one and only episode, talk about continuity). Poor Joey, eh? Meanwhile, Jesse went on to indeed find that “one nice special girl to spend the rest of his life with.” (Shout out to Lori Loughlin AKA Becky).

Talk about putting the spice in Spicer. Joey, how could ya let this one get away?