Of Mastodons and Men

Ahhh -- childhood summer memories
I get by with a little help from my friends…

The Wonder Years. Sometimes dramatic… sometimes hilarious… always able to strike just the right emotional chord. Growing up, I loved The Wonder Years. I still do in fact; it’s my favorite TV show of all time. Launched in January of 1988, the show took its audience on a magical tour of suburban life in America in the late 1960s, viewed through the lens of teenager Kevin Arnold (played by Fred Savage). The first person narrative (voiced by Daniel Stern) enabled us to see the world through the eyes of young Kevin Arnold, who was coming of age in an age of turbulence and perpetual change. Like so many who watched the show, I was able to easily identify with Kevin — he was the prototypical everyday teenager. On a personal side note, the best compliment I’ve ever received in regards to my writing is that it evokes nostalgic memories of the infamous voice-over but I digress.

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Last month saw the 25th anniversary of the final Wonder Years episode, Independence Day, which aired on May 12, 1993. It’s hard to believe it’s been 25 years since The Wonder Years went off the air, so continuing in the tradition of A Very Cutlip Christmas, I figure now is the perfect time to share yet another one of my favorite episodes from this seminal series.

This is a story of roots.

A story of relationships.

And a story of knowing yourself.

It’s a story…

OF MASTODONS AND MEN

"Primitive man. Warrior. Hunter. Tool maker."
“Primitive man. Warrior. Hunter. Tool maker.”
"Slayer of mastodons."
“Slayer of mastodons.”
"Armed with only his instincts and a spear... he roamed the earth in tribes."
“Armed with only his instincts and a spear…
he roamed the earth in tribes.”

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In a lot of ways, high school boys are a lot like primitive man.

They foraged for their food
They forage for their food
They fashioned cruel tools
They fashion cruel tools
And of course, they hang out in groups
And of course, they hang out in groups

In fact, about the only difference between my clan and neanderthal man was…

*ahem*  "Any questions?"
*ahem*  “Any questions?”
Neanderthals had bigger brains
Neanderthals had bigger brains

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“Hey, you guys wanna shoot some hoops after school?”

“Oh yeah, count me in.”

“Hey Kev, you playing?”

“Sure.”

The tribe. That year we were inseparable. We faced all the challenges.

“KEVIN!”

All but one, anyway. Women
All but one, anyway. Women
"Uh, look guys, I'm gonna hafta take a raincheck, k?"
“Uh, look guys, I’m gonna hafta take a raincheck…”

Julie Aidem. We been going out for 2 weeks. And to put it mildly…

"Carry my books?"   "Sure." "You don't mind?"  "Are you kidding!"
“Carry my books?”  “Sure.”
“You don’t mind?”  “Are you kidding!”

She appreciated the little things about me.

“You know, you have a really cute laugh.”

“Really? Hahahaha.”

She liked my laugh.

“I thought about you today, Kevin.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about you too.”

She thought about me… lots.

"I thought that you look REALLY good in stripes." "No kidding?"
“I thought that you look REALLY good in stripes.”
“No kidding?”

“Yeah, but with the collar up. You know, it really suits you.”

That was Julie. She watched over me. Took care of me. Civilized me.

"How's that?" "SO MUCH BETTER!" Let's face it. She was good for me
“How’s that?”  “SO MUCH BETTER!”
Let’s face it. She was good for me

And if that wasn’t enough.

“Hey Julie! Hey Kevin!”

She had a great dad, too.

"How's the car coming, Mr. Aidem?"
“How’s the car coming, Mr. Aidem?”

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ben?”

“… Ben.”

“Well, finally got that problem solved. Now she’s ready for a little spin.”

I admired the guy. He had hobbies, he was funny. A real man’s man.

A man who was surrounded by women...
A man who was surrounded by women…

“Honey, did I hear you say you’re going to take the sports car out for a drive?”

“Thought so, yeah.”

“You remember our agreement: You ONLY drive the sports car on the weekends.”

“Heh, I don’t know what got into me!”

“He’d be off driving it DAY and NIGHT if I let him, wouldn’t you, Ben?”

Not that Julie’s mom wasn’t every bit as fun loving as her dad.

“Hey Kevin, why don’t you stay for dinner?”

“I’d love to, June!”

She was just more... civilized
She was just more… civilized
"I mean... Mrs. Aidem."
“I mean… Mrs. Aidem.”
After all, like mother...
After all, like mother…
... like daughter
… like daughter

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All in all, it was quite a household. Filled with doilies and laced curtains. And of course, Pupu.

“Quiet, Pupu! Quiet!”

“I don’t get it, Daddy. You’re the only one that Pupu barks at.”

“That’s because Pupu loves Daddy!”

"Oh Ben, the salad fork."
“Oh Ben, the salad fork.”

The Aidem family was a model of decorum. There may have been a reason for that.

The girls outnumbered the boys by a ratio of 4 to 1. 5 to 1 if you counted the pooch.
The girls outnumbered the boys by a ratio of 4 to 1.
5 to 1 if you counted the pooch.

“So Kev, who do you like for the World Series?”

“I don’t know. I think I like the Tigers, or maybe the Cubs.”

“Oakland’s gonna knock everyone else on their butts.”

“DAD-DY!”

“BEN!”

“Oh, sorry. NOT at the dinner table!”

Still, I had to admit, I liked it there. It was nice being in a civilized home
Still, I had to admit, I liked it there.
It was nice being in a civilized home
"Oh Ben, fix your collar."
“Oh Ben, fix your collar.”

A home where people actually said please, and used butter knives. As oppose to say…

The Arnold house
The Arnold house
We were a house of men
We were a house of men
A house of slobs
A house of slobs
"Milk and cookies?"   "Yeah, sure"
“Milk and cookies?”  “Yeah, sure.”

Yeah, this was the life. Catered to. Coddled. Taken care of.

"So, did you miss me?"  "... You just went upstairs to get some cookies..."
“So, did you miss me?”
“… You just went upstairs to get some cookies…”
"I MISSED you."
“I missed you.”
"... Well, yeah. Yeah! Of course I missed you."
“… Well, yeah. Yeah! Of course I missed you.”

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Still, at two and a half weeks into the relationship, it was beginning to occur to me that civilization was not without its discontents.

"What are you thinking?" She asked me that a lot
“What are you thinking?”
She asked me that a lot
"I'm thinking... these are great cookies!" "Well tomorrow I'll make brownies." Tomorrow? *Pupu barking*
“I’m thinking… these are great cookies!”
“Well tomorrow I’ll make brownies.”
Tomorrow?  *Pupu barking*
"Hello?" "Oh, daddy must be home." "Anyone down here?" "Hey Ben." "Hey Kev, how you doing? New muffler, check it out!"
“Hello?”  “Oh, daddy must be home.”
“Anyone down here?”  “Hey Ben.”
“Hey Kev, how you doing? New muffler, check it out!”

“Well that’s great, daddy….”

“… OH yeah, lemme get something outta my tool box and I’ll get out of your way.”

Hmmmm.

*Pupu continues barking at Ben*
*Pupu continues barking at Ben*

“Daddy! Look what you’re doing to Pupu! You’re hurting her feelings!”

“Oh, I don’t know what got into me!”

“I’ll go get her a biscuit.”

And suddenly, the thought struck me this guy might appreciate a little male bonding.

"So Ben, this is a great cell you got here."
“So Ben, this is a great cell you got here.”
"A few too many linens for my taste." "Oh, yeah, me too."
“A few too many linens for my taste.”
“Oh, yeah, me too.”
"Some dog."
“Some dog.”
"She's no Duke." "Duke?" *Julie returns* "I got the biscuit! Pupu, I love you so much."
“She’s no Duke.”  “Duke?”  *Julie returns*
“I got the biscuit! Pupu, I love you so much.”
"I'll tell you about Duke some other time."
“I’ll tell you about Duke some other time.”

And there ya had it.

“Did you miss me?”

So much for guy talk.

“Yeah, of course I missed you.”

The next day the guys were giving me a hard time about Julie.

“Look, I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to ask anyone! I’m playing football today after school, and that’s that!”

“Yeah sure Kev, whatever you say.”

“I’ll be there!”

But there was one little problem. Leaving the bathroom, I heard it…

"KEVIN! I missed you!"
“KEVIN! I missed you!”

Maybe that’s when I began to realize… the undeniable truth.

Julie Aidem had me on a very short leash
Julie Aidem had me on a very short leash
"Primitive man derived his power from the tribe."
“Primitive man derived his power from the tribe.”
"But occasionally, one of its members betrayed the rest."
“But occasionally, one of its members betrayed the rest.”
"Soon, this lone hunter was set adrift from the pack." "Shunned, and ostracized."
“Soon, this lone hunter was set adrift from the pack.
Shunned, and ostracized.”

“So Paul, you wanna play some football this afternoon?”

“You got it, Chuck.”

By the next day, one thing was clear.

“Hey guys, what time you playing?”

"You guys hear something?" In my tribe, my name was Mud
“You guys hear something?”
In my tribe, my name was Mud

*Bell rings*

Still, I had one skill primitive man did not: I could whine.

“C’mon guys!  I wanna play!”

“Look Kev, you bailed on us yesterday, and you didn’t even tell us.”

“I got tied up! It was an emergency!”

“It was JULIE, wasn’t it?”

“It was ONE time. I promise, it’ll never happen again. Please?”

And with that, I bared my soul
And with that, I bared my soul
Thrown myself on the mercy of the tribe
Thrown myself on the mercy of the tribe
And they, in turn, pronounced their verdict
And they, in turn, pronounced their verdict
"What the hell."
“What the hell.”
And so, that afternoon, I was reborn
And so, that afternoon, I was reborn

A few hours with the guys and I remembered who I was.

Kevin Arnold: Runner. Passer. Hunter. Warrior. AND IT FELT GOOD
Kevin Arnold: Runner. Passer. Hunter. WARRIOR.
AND IT FELT GOOD

Yep, by the time I came home I was a new man.

“Hi mom.”

“Kevin, you have a visitor.”

ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!
ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!
"Hi Kevin!"
“Hi Kevin!”

“… H-Hi. I wasn’t expecting you. So Julie, what’s going on?”

“Oh nothing. I thought you were coming over today.”

OK, it was clear we reached a critical juncture. It was time to set ground rules, here and now.

“Julie…”

“Yes, Kevin?”

“Every once in a while, guys gotta, you know, hang out with other guys.”

And there it was. Gentle but somehow, firm.

“I guess you forgot what today is!”

“Today?”

“It’s our 3 week anniversary!”

“It is?”

“I got you a gift!”

Awww geez.

“You did?”

“Open it!”

Made you wonder if they knew how to gift wrap crow.

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah! I- I love it, it’s great, it’s it’s…”

Striped.

“… striped!”

“You know Kevin, if you wanna be with the guys sometimes, I understand.”

“No, no, that’s not it. It’s just –“

"I wouldn't want you to feel like I'm smothering you." "No! Don't be ridiculous. You're not smothering me."
“I wouldn’t want you to feel like I’m smothering you.”
“No! Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not smothering me.”
"Because if you don't think we're right for each other..." "No Julie, I definitely think we're right for each other." "Oh that's what I think, Kevin!"
“Because if you don’t think we’re right for each other…”
“No Julie, I definitely think we’re right for each other.”
“Oh that’s what I think, Kevin!”

And right about then, something went wrong.

“So maybe it’s time we made more of a commitment.”

“Commitment?”

“Oh Kevin! This is so exciting! I can’t wait to tell everyone we’re going steady! But first we have to tell mommy and daddy at dinner.”

And suddenly, somehow, I was going steady
And suddenly, somehow, I was going steady

Not that I’d actually agreed to anything, you understand. Not technically, anyway.

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Still, that night outside Julie’s house, I knew I didn’t have the courage to turn back.

"Hey Kev!"
“Hey Kev!”
"I hear there's gonna be a little announcement tonight."
“I hear there’s gonna be a little announcement tonight.”

Great, the whole family knew. And not only that, now we were gonna have the talk.

The father-of-the-bride speech.

About the birds.

About the bees.

"Duke loved nights like this."
“Duke loved nights like this.”

About… Duke?

"Was Duke your dog?" "Duke was a hell of a dog."
“Was Duke your dog?”
“Duke was a hell of a dog.”

“Duke was a black lab. Eighty pounds. He was so full of fun, and so full of spirit. He was a real man’s best friend kind of dog, you know. And Duke wasn’t afraid of anything.”

I could tell Duke was more than just a dog to this guy
I could tell Duke was more than just a dog to this guy

“What happened to him?”

“Ran away the day I proposed to June. I still think about him you know. Every now and then, at night…

... I SWEAR, I can still hear Duke's howl..." *Long silence except for the chirping of crickets*
I SWEAR, I can still hear Duke’s howl…”
*Long silence except for the chirping of crickets*

“BEN! Dinner!”

“… C’mon.”

That night I did my best to forestall the inevitable
That night I did my best to forestall the inevitable

“Kevin…”

“Uhh… terrific mash potatoes, Mrs. Aidem.”

“Thank you, Kevin.”

But then, I suppose they don’t call it the inevitable for nothing.

“Kevin, don’t you have an announcement to make?”

At least not around the Aidem household.

“Uhhhh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I do…”

“Kevin, I think you should stand up.”

And so, it arrived. The last exit. The final whistle
And so, it arrived. The last exit. The final whistle

“Well…”

And that’s when it happened.

"Honey, fix your collar."
“Honey, fix your collar.”
It was... weird
It was… weird

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"I thought Pupu only barked at you Daddy!"
“I thought Pupu only barked at you Daddy!”

It was horrible. It was amazing. Almost as if Pupu knew I was about to join the ranks of Aidem men.

And then, from out of nowhere, I SWEAR I HEARD IT
And then, from out of nowhere, I SWEAR I HEARD IT
OW-OOOOOOOOH!!! It was a clarion call. And I knew what I had to do. It was now or never
“OW-OOOOOOOOH!!!”  It was a clarion call.
And I knew what I had to do. IT WAS NOW OR NEVER
"NOOOOO!!!!"
“NOOOOO!!!!”

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“Julie, I can’t do this. I just CAN’T! I like my collar down! And I HATE wearing striped shirts! And I don’t like cookies! And another thing, I don’t want to spend every minute with you. I like hanging out with the guys! I’m a HUNTER! And a WARRIOR!!

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"AND WHAT ABOUT THE MASTODONS?!"
“AND WHAT ABOUT THE MASTODONS?!”

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OK, maybe I got a little carried away about the mastodon thing, but I wasn’t just speaking for myself. I was speaking for all mankind. For Ben.

And even, for Duke, wherever he was
And even, for Duke, wherever he was

“I can’t do it, Julie. We can’t go steady.”

*Aidem girls run off crying*

And then, it was over. Except for one thing  "I think you better go, Kev." "... Good idea."
And then, it was over. Except for one thing
“I think you better go, Kev.”  “… Good idea.”
"Man. Fire maker. Tool maker. Thinker of complex thoughts."
“Man. Fire maker. Tool maker.
Thinker of complex thoughts.”
"Noble. Furious. Dignified."
“Noble. Furious. Dignified.”

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Over the next few weeks I rejoined my tribe. And in a lot of ways, I was back where I belonged.

*honk honk*
*honk honk*

I guess I knew there was still some unfinished business.

Between Ben and me at least.

I guess I knew there was still some unfinished business Between Ben and me at least
“I’ll be right back, guys.”

“Hey Ben.”

“Hey Kevin. I thought that was you. You look pretty good out there.”

“Thanks. So… how’s Julie?”

“Oh she found a new guy. They’re going steady.”

“Huh, no kidding!”

“Yeah, he looks great in stripes.”

“I bet… hey! You got the car out on a Thursday huh!”

"Yeah, I thought I go a little crazy."
“Yeah, I thought I go a little crazy.”

And in a way, I couldn’t help thinking I had something to do with it.

"Well, it was nice seeing you again, Ben."
“Well, it was nice seeing you again, Ben.”
"Hey Kevin... one day you're gonna see."  "What's that?" "It's not that bad..."
“Hey Kevin, one day you’re gonna see.”  “What’s that?”
“It’s not that bad…”
"... having people who care for you, you know?"
“… having people who care for you, you know?”
I guess Ben understood something. Something I'd learn... in time. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."
I guess Ben understood something.
Something I would learn… in time.
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

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But me, I was just a sixteen-year-old guy, and the way I saw it, there were still a lot of mastodons yet to be slayed.

*beep beep*
*beep beep*

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"OW-OOOOOOOOH!!!!!"
“OW-OOOOOOOOH!!!!”

JULIE AIDEM, MEET SARAH FRANKLIN

Some say high school are some of the most critical years of your life. You made friends, enemies and memories. Sometimes you even broke hearts.

Looking back at my high school yearbook I see a lot of faces that pass through the years. Some I wonder how they’re doing and what they’re up to. Others, I wonder if they ever wonder about me. And then… there’s Sarah Franklin.

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December 1999.

I was a junior in high school. Coincidentally, much like Kevin Arnold, my tale happened when I too was 16.

It was a language arts class, and we were watching a great film called Smoke Signals.

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Amazing coming-of-age road trip movie
Amazing coming-of-age road trip movie

It seemed like an ordinary day, a day just like any other. Little did I know, it was anything but.

So I’m sitting there enjoying the movie when I started to notice Sarah giving me funny looks. I didn’t know why exactly, but I knew something was brewing.

And surprise surprise, something was.

THE NOTE

On my way out of class that day I felt a tap. When I turned around, Sarah Franklin shoved an envelope in my hands and dashed off. It happened so fast I almost couldn’t believe it. Not wanting to involve the guys with the matter, I kept silent about it throughout lunch. When I got home I ripped the envelope open.

Whatever was inside… I knew one thing… it was more than just a party invitation.

I found a 2-page letter, printed on yellow and green paper. Here’s the gist of what it said:

  • Hi Steven!

    I know we only see each other in English and Study Hall, but what I’m about to tell and ask you is HUGE. You see, my sister met a wonderful guy 10 months ago. They shared such a wonderful relationship and I’d never seen her any happier before than in those 10 months. Regrettably, good things never last, and his family ended up moving 10 months later. They knew a long distance relationship would never work, so they reluctantly broke up. My sister, ever since, has not been the same and as her big sis I’m looking for a great guy who is looking for a meaningful and loyal relationship. As I said, we don’t really know each other, but from what I know of you, you seem like a really great guy! It’s hard to find a good guy in this day and age who doesn’t use foul language or the like.

    So… what I’m getting at is… would you like to meet my sister over lunch? If you’re looking for a great girl who will love and be loyal to you, my sister is the one. Please call me later today between 4 and 9 PM. My number is 867-5309.

    -Sarah Franklin

    PS- If I seem weird tomorrow in English class it will be because you know why! :)

THE CALL

Wow. It’s not everyday you get a letter like that! But at the time I just wasn’t looking for a relationship. So much like Kevin Arnold did, I knew what I had to do.

To this day I can still vividly remember the enthusiasm and giddiness in her voice as she picked up the phone… but I’ll also never forget how I took the wind right out of her sail in the next few seconds. It was hard. I felt bad. But I knew I had to be honest.

“WHAT ABOUT THE MASTODONS?!?!”

I didn’t quite go berserk like how Kevin Arnold did. There was no talk about being a hunter, a warrior or slaying mastodons. Instead I opted for the classic American way: a quick courteous note followed by friendly rejection.

Like Kevin, I wasn’t ready. I too was sixteen-years-old, and the way I saw it, there too were mastodons yet to be slayed.

Looking back, am I sorry about what I did? In a way, a little bit. Maybe the least I could have done was have lunch with the poor girl. But you know, when you’re 16 you do “dumb” things. Sarah Franklin figured I was different from the other guys. After what happened, she probably hated my guts.

THE AFTERMATH

Senior Grad Night. All the seniors were living it up at Disneyland. On one ride, my eyes met Sarah Franklin’s. We exchanged a nod — an unspoken pact of forgiveness. A moment that signified her younger sister was doing dandy in the game of life and that bygones would be bygones.

At least, that’s what I’d like to tell you.

But no such Wonder Years ending.

I really don’t remember what happened to Sarah Franklin. In fact, I hardly recall seeing her around my senior year. We haven’t spoken to each other since that one fateful phone call. Then again, not like we ever did before, you understand.

IN CLOSING…

We’ve all broken someone’s heart. We didn’t mean to… it just happens. Lord knows we’ve been on the other end as well.

Yup, in high school we made friends, enemies and memories. Good and bad. And every now and then there are people you wonder about, and people you wonder if they ever wonder about you. And then there are the Sarah Franklin’s of the world. You don’t really want to remember the memories of the Sarah Franklin’s…

But you do.

Sarah, wherever you are, I hope you and your sister are doing well. I hope both of you have found the right guy (or girl) to share life’s ups and downs with. Cheers.

Santa Haas

My favorite TV show growing up was The Wonder Years. One of my favorite episodes from that show was “A Very Cutlip Christmas.” As I write this, it’s Christmas Eve 2016. I’m reminded of this excellent episode which I’m replicating below.

Following the episode recap, I’ll share a story of my former 8th grade language arts teacher, Ms. Haas. In a lot of ways, Ms. Haas and Coach Cutlip reminded me of each other. These are stories about peer pressure, standing up for what you believe in, and the indomitable human spirit.

I hope you enjoy.
Merry Christmas!
-Steve

A VERY CUTLIP CHRISTMAS

When you were a kid, it's simple. Christmas IS magic
When you were a kid, it’s simple. Christmas IS magic

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It’s a time of miracles. When reindeer can fly and Frosty never melts.

cutlip2

Then you get older. Somehow… things change. The magic begins to fade.

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Until something happens that reminds you… at Christmas time, miracles still can be found. Sometimes in the most unexpected places.

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Ed Cutlip. Better known as Coach Cutlip to his students at RFK. He was a robotic man who rarely showed any kind of emotion, and worked a relentless whistle. It was December of 1970. He was Scrooge in a baseball cap.

“In my grasp, I have a message from Richard Millhouse Nixon. Our chief executive has entrusted me, as a physical educator, to see that you men are AT or ABOVE the national average. Over the next several days, we will be doing chin-ups, pushups, situps, shuttle runs and more. You men will be ready for the President’s All-American National Athletic Test.”

After a grueling workout, the guys were talking in the locker room.

“Man, if only we had some dirt to take down Cutlip!” Tommy said.

A sweaty Doug croaked, “The man’s a monster!”

One thing’s for sure, Coach Cutlip was certainly lacking the holiday cheer.

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Later that day my mom took me to the Brightland Mall. All around me I saw blatant cheap Christmas consumerism. What happened? Then, I heard it.

“HO HO HO!”

I looked over my shoulder and saw the mall Santa. There, a long line full of little kids awaited their turn patiently. In its own tacky way, it reminded me of what I had been missing.

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But as I was sitting there, a funny feeling overcame me. Why did the mall Santa seem so familiar? And then it hit me…

It was CUTLIP!

Likewise, he spotted me. He jumped up, embarrassed, and ran to his shack for cover. It was horrible. It was BEYOND horrible. The first time I had seen a teacher outside school, he was stuffed with a pillow.

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The next day at school I tried to block out the disturbing images. Luck be my lady, who bumped into me in the hallway?

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“Ah, morning Arnold.”

I looked up at him, trying to read his expression. Had he really seen me at the mall, and did I really see him? I decided to engage in some small talk with the man.

“So, how are we?”

“Good. Yourself?”

“Great.”

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He wasn’t even looking at me. His eyes were trained on a clipboard as he jotted down some notes casually.

“Any, uh, adventures since I last saw you, Arnold?”

“Um, no, not really. Well, I did go shopping at the Brightland Mall…”

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Cutlip shot up like a jack in the box. “Oh?”

“Uh huh.”

“Never been there myself. I don’t get out that far.”

*Bell rings*

“See you in gym, Arnold.”

And with that, he walked away. Wow, maybe I imagined the whole thing at the mall. Was this just one big miscalculation? Feeling full of holiday cheer, I shouted “Merry Christmas sir!”

Then he turned around. And right then, it hit me.

cutlip8cutlip8b

 

 

 

 

There were moments in my life which I regretted. I knew this was one of those moments.

That day in gym, I knew it was D-Day. I KNEW TOO MUCH. He was going to lash out on me, make me his whipping boy.

In his typical firm manner, Coach Cutlip called me out during gym class.

“Kevin Arnold.”

I cautiously walked toward him, with all my classmates watching. “Yes sir?”

“Why don’t you keep time?”
he handed me his stop watch, smiled and placed his hand on my shoulder like a father figure.

And then I realized… KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

But my friends — that was another matter. While I had it made, they were sweating and suffering. After class, they called me a turncoat, a teacher’s pet, even worse — “Cutlip in training.”

I knew they were right. There was only one thing to do.

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“I have to tell you something, Mr. Cutlip.”

“Please, call me Ed.”

But before I could go on, he offered me a piece of paper.

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“What’s this?”

“It’s my personal permission slip, you don’t have to take the National Athletic test.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t want to be your time keeper. I don’t want to sit out. I –“

“Say no more,” he interrupted sternly. He came close to my face. “I see how it is, Arnold. I played a little ball in my life, too. I’ll see you in GYM.”

He ripped the note into pieces. And that was that.

Later that week, I was going off on Cutlip during lunch time with the guys.

“He’s making my life a mess, just because I saw him working at the Brightland Mall!”

Doug perked up. “Cutlip works at the Brightland Mall?”

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Before I could say anything, a girl passed me a note.

I sat there at his mercy. I had no idea what kind of torture I was in store for. I saw him reaching in his desk. He was going to pull out a knife, a bat, or possibly a gun.

"Here, have some fruitcake."
“Here, have some fruitcake”

“Huh?”

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“20 percentage employee discount. You know, Arnold, to a man who’s devoted his entire life to public education, the opportunity to buy whole sale is nothing to laugh about. HAHAHAHA.”

“May I go now?”

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“Wait, that’s not the only reason I’m working at the mall. My mother — Esther Cutlip. If it weren’t for my help there’s no telling what kind of catatonic state the woman might fall into.”

“… That’s nice, sir.”

I wanted the bell to ring, the fire alarm, an earthquake, anything…

“Tell me Kevin… have you ever been inside a Santa outfit?”

OH GOD
OH GOD

This was reaching critical mass!

“It’s hot, and it’s SWEATY.”

I couldn’t take it any longer. “STOP! I don’t want your fruitcake, or hear about your mother. It’s none of my business! I’m not gonna tell anyone you work at the mall so let’s just drop it, OK?”

I had enough. I was sick of this game. I headed for the door. And then…

"Arnold... kids like me when I'm Santa"
“Arnold… kids like me when I’m Santa…

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And right then, for the first time, I saw the man as a human being. Not a great human being, maybe not even a good human being, but a very lonely human being.

“Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me, Mr. Cutlip.”

Going home on the bus that day, I was feeling pretty good. Until I saw Doug, Tommy and Randy anyhow. I had already spilled the beans.

“C’mon Kevin, where does he work? Orange Julius?”


“Forget it, I’m not gonna say.”


“That’s cool… we’ll just go look for him. How hard can it be?”

Were these guys serious or what! I knew what I had to do…

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“What are you doing here, Arnold? You’re not going to sit on my lap are you?”

“No!”

“Good, because you know you’re too old, right?”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“About what?”

“I kinda slipped and told some guys you work at the mall. They’re coming to look for you any minute now. I think you better just hide out in your shack until this whole thing blows over.”

In the distance I saw the wolf pack marching over
In the distance I saw the wolf pack marching over
"No can do, Arnold"
“No can do, Arnold”

“What?”

“Let them come if they must. I AM WHO I AM.”

With that, he stood up tall and proud. I’ll always remember that look on his face.

He was at once heroic…

... and stupid
… and stupid

“Move along, Arnold.”

I made my way to the guys, helpless, outnumbered.

And then, it happened.

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First, Doug stared directly into the eyes of the man who had taught him gym for three long years.

Cutlip proudly stared back
Cutlip proudly stared back

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Then Randy and Tommy looked long and hard.

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Those three skeptics gazed straight into the eyes of Coach Cutlip not thirty feet away.

But all they saw…. was Santa Claus.

"C'mon guys, let's keep looking," Doug ordered
“C’mon guys, let’s keep looking,” Doug ordered

It was a miracle. He stood there like some patron saint. And for that brief moment of Christmas magic, Ed Cutlip got to be all that he ever wanted.

STANDING UP FOR MS. HAAS

It was Spring of ’97. I was in the 8th grade. Our language arts teacher Mr. Simon was replaced by Ms. Haas mid-year. Family matters forced Mr. Simon to move out of state. Everyone loved him. In retrospect, I guess Ms. Haas never stood a shot.

She was the strict, serious type while Mr. Simon was more of a big brother — goofy, fun and graded pretty easy. Ms. Haas on the other hand was a tough grader. She was in her mid 30’s but already had a balding spot which my classmates often poked fun at (behind her back, of course).

So, pretty much everyone hated her guts. I kinda liked her, though. Though she was a hard grader, she was fair. And I respected that. I respected HER.

One day during SSR (Silent Sustained Reading, which we had for 20 minutes) there was a note being passed around. I noticed each one of my classmates writing something down on that piece of paper. I was the last one to receive it.

It was a petition. A petition to fire Ms. Haas.

IF YOU WANT MS. HAAS REMOVED, SIGN HERE

There were 25 plus signatures. The kid sitting closest to me — Andre — noticed my hesitation to sign.

“C’mon man. Sign it already.”

I looked over at Ms. Haas sitting in the corner, reading a book. Had she noticed this piece of paper going around that demanded her immediate removal? She had a stoic look on her face, so I couldn’t tell, yet… she ALWAYS had a stoic look on her face… as though someone sucked the life out of her many many years ago.

I looked back at the petition. I skimmed through the signatures. According to my count, everyone had signed it. EVERYONE.

Except me.

Andre nudged me on the shoulder. “Yo man, you gonna sign it or what?”

I clearly recall to this day asking myself this question: “Does Ms. Haas deserve to be fired?”

To me, the answer was no, so… I put the pen down.

“Yo man, what are you doing?”


“I ain’t signing it.”

“What? Are you crazy? You actually like her?”

I glanced over to see if she had noticed this commotion. “She’s cool.”

“Man, you’re crazy,”
 he grimaced, snatching the petition away from me.

The rest of SSR I didn’t read. I kind of sat there with my eyes transfixed on the same paragraph, thinking about what just went down. I stood up for what I believed in. I wondered if Ms. Haas was aware at all that 97% of her students wanted her fired. I couldn’t tell from my vantage point, so I crumpled up a piece of paper as an excuse to get near her desk.

As I approached the wastebasket, I caught a glimpse of her face peeking right below her book. And what I saw that day I would never forget. Her eyes were red and watery. Ms. Haas was crying. She looked up to see me approaching and quickly wiped her eyes. I immediately looked away and hustled back to my seat, my crumpled paper still in hand.

After class (it was my last class of the day) my mom drove me home. I convinced her to drive me right back. I just had to pick up my boom box. At the time, Puff Daddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You” was a huge sensation, and I had the crazy notion that maybe, just maybe, it might cheer up Ms. Haas.

The campus was eerily quiet as I made a beeline toward Ms. Haas’ classroom around 3:30. As I entered, I saw her sitting at her desk in the corner. Her eyes were still red, and crumpled tissue paper could be seen strewn about her desk.

“Oh, hey Steve, what are you doing here?” she stammered. Ms. Haas was completely caught off guard.

And suddenly, so was I.

For a second there I didn’t know what to say! What was I doing back here? I figured then and there that I must have been a sight for sore eyes, boombox and all!

“I just wanted you to listen to this cool new song. I don’t know… I thought maybe you might like hearing it.” Wow, that came out smooth, Steve. Way to go.

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By the way, looking back, I had no idea about the 1989 film Say Anything or the scene where John Cusack holds the boombox over his head to woo his crush. I guess from Ms. Haas’ perspective, she might have had an awkward flashback there… totally not my intent!

Ms. Haas gave me what could only be described as a perplexed half smile, completely unsure what to make of the situation. Plugging the cord into the socket, I pondered briefly about whether this whole thing was wise or not. Alas, there was simply no turning back now. I hit PLAY and stepped back, waiting for the track to begin. Needless to say, those 2-3 seconds felt like an eternity. I stared at the boombox on the ground, too shy to look up at Ms. Haas. She was probably doing the same. I’ll never know for sure, as I kept my eyes on that boombox for all dear life. At last the lyrics began filling Ms. Haas’ 8th grade classroom, wall to wall.

  • Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
    I laced the track, you locked the flow
    So far from hangin’ on the block for dough
    Notorious they got to know that
    Life ain’t always what it seem to be
    Words can’t express what you mean to me
    Even though you’re gone we still a team
    Thru your family I’ll fulfill your dreams
    In the future can’t wait to see if you’ll
    Open up the gates for me
    Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend
    Try to black it out, but it plays again
    When it’s real feelings hard to conceal
    Can’t imagine all the pain I feel
    Give anything to hear half your breath
    I know you still livin’ your life after death

At some point during the song I managed to muster the courage to look up and see Ms. Haas’ expression. She had a funny look on her face as the song continued on. The lyrics reverberated throughout the classroom.

  • Every step I take
    Every move I make
    Every single day
    Every time I pray
    I’ll be missing you

By the time the song ended, you would never guess that Ms. Haas had been crying earlier that day at all.

“Oh my God,” she started. “This song… it was originally the Police’s…”

I didn’t get it. “The police owns this song?” I imagined donut-eating cops.

Ms. Haas chuckled.

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“Steve, I’m going to date myself here but the Police was a band a good number of years ago led by a guy named Sting. In 1983 they had a smash hit called EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE. The background music from that song, well, it’s exactly the same background as this new song!”

Ms. Haas went on tell me a story about how she grew up a HUGE fan of the Police. One time they came to her town and she and her best friend got tickets to the show. But a day before Ms. Haas got herself grounded. However, with the help of her best friend, a trusty rope and a two-story window, she managed to sneak out and make the show. It hit me right then and there that Ms. Haas was once vibrant, and full of life.

You're a sneaky one, Ms. Haas!
You’re a sneaky one, Ms. Haas!

Ms. Haas was human, too. Very human, in fact. More than we knew.

And right before my very eyes, Ms. Haas became full of life again. Her eyes sparkled as she regaled me with the greatest tale from her youth. And for those few couple minutes, I saw a side of Ms. Haas that no other 8th grader had ever seen before. Ms. Haas was not only smiling, the woman was practically beaming.

“I know it’s hard to believe, Steve, but trust me, in MY day I was quite the little rascal.”

We both shared a good chuckle. I left school that day with a completely brand new perspective of my 8th grade language arts teacher. Ms. Haas was more than Mr. Simon’s fill-in replacement. Ms. Haas was more than a strict educator in her mid 30’s, victimized by a premature balding spot. Ms. Haas was a woman who had seen the ups and downs of life. And for that, I respected her all the more.

The following week, Ms. Haas announced to the class that she was leaving. In a weird way, the 8th grade students got their wish after all, but I knew that Ms. Haas went out swinging on her own. It was her call, and hers alone. At least, that’s the way I like to think of it, and I’m sticking to my story, no pun intended. Of course, we were all leaving as well. We had four years of high school to look forward to. Everyone was moving on to the next chapter in their lives. It only seemed fitting. I remember looking at Ms. Haas that day as she made her announcement. She looked right back at me. There was no cliché Hollywood wink or gesture exchanged, but I know in my heart of hearts that Ms. Haas was finally at peace. And I know that we both said to each other, in our own unique and silent way, “Thank you. Thank you for everything.”

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I still think about Ms. Haas from time to time and that fateful day I re-entered her classroom armed with a boombox and Puff Daddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You.” Sometimes I wonder where Ms. Haas is today. I like to think she’s off somewhere, in her own little corner of the world, at peace. Perhaps she and her best friend are living next door, with their Sting posters proudly draped over their bedroom walls. Perhaps Ms. Haas is married now with a family to call her very own. Wherever she may be, I just hope she’s happy.

Teachers come and go. But a select few you never forget. Life lessons can come in a wide variety of forms. Ms. Haas taught me indirectly the importance of standing up for what you believe in. Even when everyone else is going in the other direction. The popular choice isn’t always the right choice.

Thank you, Ms. Haas.

Some teachers you never forget...
This is dedicated to all the GREAT teachers out there!
Rock on, Ms. Haas
Sneaking out to concerts, eh? Rock on, Ms. Haas!