The Tale of the Lonely Ghost

Do you believe in ghosts?
Do you believe in ghosts?

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned ghost story on a cool summer night. It’s a time-honored tradition to tell spooky ghost tales by the campfire — macabre stories of things that go bump in the night. It takes us right back to our childhood. Be it Bloody Mary or vengeful spirits, a great scary story is sure to leave a mark… hopefully only figuratively and not literally…

Spooky tales on a warm summer evening
Spooky tales on a warm summer evening

Asked to link my ample fascination with anything supernatural, I can trace it back to one man: Uncle Jimmy. Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s when he lived with us, he was full of energy and full of life. On many weekend nights we camped out in our backyard. Uncle Jimmy pulled out three lawn chairs that folded out like makeshift beds. Along with my brother Kevin, the three of us would lay back and take in the nice warm summer night air, admiring the stars blinking in the night sky. Uncle Jimmy wove grandiose tales ranging from random anecdotes, fables, and my personal fave, his infamous stories of the supernatural. No one told ghost stories quite like Uncle Jimmy. Hey we’re talking about the same guy here who introduced me to John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN when I was only six years old! For at least a solid hour, if not two, we hung onto every last word that came out of his mouth. You can never get those serene and idyllic summer nights back, no matter how much you want to…

My bro and I were haunted by an old witch in our dreams
My bro and I were haunted by a hag in our dreams

Uncle Jimmy’s twisted ghost tales never ceased to scare the heebie jeebies out of me. Long before creepy ladies with long flowing hair became a staple in the horror movie genre, Uncle Jimmy was king of that domain. Almost all of his stories featured a creepy lady. It’s no wonder one of my recurring nightmares as a young child involved a decrepit old woman always stalking me. The scary thing — my brother had the same nightmares of the very same hag. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat — the nightmare always ending right as the old lady had my arm in a vice-like grip. I turned on the light, only to find a mark on my arm. (Of course, I slept on my arm, but I was too young to know any better). You would think I’d tell Uncle Jimmy to stop telling us his spooky stories, but it was an addiction. Eventually, the old lady disappeared from my nightmares for good. I guess I was finally able to beat the beast. My brother and I randomly talk about the old lady in our nightmares once in a blue moon to this day. The description of her and the scenarios we found ourselves in in the nightmares always frighteningly mirrored each other. Freddy Krueger? Please. Freddy can’t hold a candle to the hag that often haunted the nightmares of my youth. Hmmm, come to think of it, she was a lot like the creepy old woman from Insidious 2. I’m getting goosebumps now, so let us move on…

One of the most classic shows of my childhood
One of the most classic shows of my childhood

Imagine my sheer joy when Are You Afraid of the Dark? debuted on Nickelodeon on a summer night of 1992. Uncle Jimmy moved out in the Spring of ’92, so I was missing my weekly supernatural supplement. This show did more than well to fill that void. In fact, and don’t tell my dear ole uncle Jimmy this, between you and me, at times it was even better. Sure, it’s fun to use your imagination to form pictures in your head as a storyteller weaves his or her tale, but you know, sometimes, you just can’t beat the effectiveness of picture and sound. Are You Afraid of the Dark? became a hit show among young viewers. It became an instant hit cult classic overnight in my small little town. Everyone was raving about it, and anyone who was anyone watched it religiously. Yes folks, before Nickelodeon became crap, it was once legendary. And shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark? were among the main reasons why.

The show's intro haunts me to this day
The show’s intro haunts me to this day

You remember the unsettling intro, don’t cha? The swish-swoosh of a single abandoned rowboat against a soft eerie glow… with that infamous theme creeping into your living room…

The spooky swaying of the empty swing set...
The spooky swaying of an empty swing set…
A loose shutter banging loudly against an upstairs window...
A loose shutter banging loudly…
... and the creepy evil grin of a dummy in the attic
… and the creepy evil grin of a dummy in the attic
"I JUST VANT TO BE FRIENDS!"
“I JUST VANT TO BE FRIENDS!”

Oh yeah, the show spooked more than just a few kids. And that’s why we loved it so much. For a kid show, they sure could have fooled us! Many a sleepless nights came courtesy of this little gem of a show. Each week there was a new half hour spooky episode to sink your teeth into. From phantoms to Nosferatu, the show did not discriminate against any vengeful spirit of the occult family.

This image still gives me the chills
This image still gives me the chills

I’m not ashamed to admit that on more than one occasion, the show absolutely scared the crap out of me. For a kid show, some of the visuals, like that screaming girl being swallowed underneath her bed, sent unspeakable shivers down your spine and left a lasting image in your head. I still remember to this day my bro and I screaming when this floating specter appeared in the window. That night we slept in our parents’ room! No shame at all, hey, we were kids!

As a kid I always wanted to join the Midnight Society
As a kid I always wanted to join the Midnight Society

And the show could have just been simple ghost stories each week but no. It was more than that. It featured a cast of young teenagers (teenagers you could find on any block in America) who met up once a week in an undisclosed location deep in the woods to swap ghostly tales by the crackling of a campfire. They were called the Midnight Society, and each week a different member shared their story. Amazingly, for the little air time they received, each character managed to carve out a distinguishable personality for viewers to pick their favorites. They even had story themes that were somewhat unique to their style. There was your tall and tough guy, the geeky ring leader that was the “glue” of the group, the tomboy, the “princess” girl, and so on.

It was a simple, effective set up each week
It was a simple, effective set up each week

I love the way they opened up each episode, talking up their story dramatically before fading to the really good stuff. There were even subplots to the Midnight Society characters; crushes and pseudo rivalries, just like any dynamic you would find with any group of teenagers. The show made you feel like you were sitting by the campfire as well. It just had a personable touch to it that grabbed you and didn’t let go — even long after it went off the air. Tonight, I’m proud to bring you one of my favorite episodes from the Dark vault. It’s the third episode, originally aired on August 29, 1992… it’s called… The Tale of the Lonely Ghost.

Enjoy :)

"Hello?"
“Hello?”

TotLG14

“AHHH!”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“DAVID! Don’t do that!”

“Sorry, I just wanted to catch you before the meeting… to uh, UH –“

“To what?”

TotLG15

“Happy Birthday.”

“David, how did you know my birthday’s next week? I don’t know what to say — thank you. Um, we’re late, I’ll open it after the meeting OK?”

“OK.”

TotLG16

TotLG17

“JERK! I could have choked!”

“Go ahead, take your best shot.”

“Come on guys, lighten up.”

“Sorry I’m late.”

"Start fast, the natives are restless"
“Start fast, the natives are restless”

TotLG19

“My story’s got to do with… two kids… who don’t get along, because they’re so different from each other. And a love… that is SO strong, it can survive anything… even DEATH.”

TotLG20

“Submitted for the approval of the Midnight SocietyI call this story…”

TotLG21

TotLG22

It was the beginning of summer vacation, and every kid in town was psyched. Every kid, except Amanda Cameron that is.

Her mom and dad were some kind of scientists, who had to travel up north to study Inuit stone carvings. So, Amanda was shipped off to her Aunt Dottie’s place for the summer.

“We’re here, everybody out!”

TotLG23

“Oh shoot. Sweetie, what in the world did your mother put in here?”

“Books.”

“Books? Feels like you’ve got a whole set of encyclopedias!”

"BEEEETH?"
“BEEEETH?”

“Beth! Beth lovely! Your cousin Amanda is here! Could you give us a hand?”

TotLG25

“She must be on the phone again. We’ll just do this ourselves.”

TotLG26

Unfortunately for Amanda, spending a whole summer with Cousin Beth was going to be even LESS fun than staring at a bunch of old rocks with her mom and dad for two months.

TotLG27

TotLG28
*loud banging sound*

“What was that?!”

“What was what?”

“That banging, coming from OVER THERE!”

TotLG29

“Ohhh, not that place sweetie, no one’s been in there for years. I should know, I’m the real estate agent. I can’t even get people to look at the place. I just wish it would…”

*GASP!*
*GASP!*

TotLG31

“Sometimes I think this house just doesn’t want to be SOLD! Come on, let’s get you inside and unpacked.”

TotLG32

TotLG33

“You should see what she’s wearing. My mom better not expect me to babysit that dweeb all summer.”

*knock knock*


“She’s here, I gotta go.”

“Look who’s here, honey. Come on in Mandy.”

“Hi Beth.”

"Hi..."
“Hi…”

“You’ll be sharing Beth’s room so the two of you can stay up all night giggling and talking. This is where Nanny used to sleep when Beth was little. Well, I’ll leave you two alone to get reacquainted. Have fun!”

*Aunt Dottie leaves*

“I suppose she told you we’re going to do all sorts of fun stuff together.”

"Yeah"
“Yeah”

“WROOONG! If you think I’m gonna hang with you all summer, yer NUTS.”

“I don’t think she means for you to hang with JUST me; we could do stuff with your friends.”

TotLG36
“You don’t even know my friends”

“They can get to know me.”

“Why? It’s not like just ANYONE can hang with us. You have to prove you’re not a zeeb.”

“How does one prove that they’re not a zeeb?”

TotLG37

“OK look, you wanna hang with us? You gotta follow the rules.”

“What rules?”

“OK, first off, I don’t even wanna know that you’re here. That means putting all of my animal collection back every day in the exact right places. IN FACT, I don’t feel like having my room look like a disaster all day, SO DO IT NOW. And you can’t go crying to mom or Nanny EVER, no matter what happens. Got it?”

TotLG38

“Fine, I’ll put every thing back in the right order every day and I won’t snitch. Easy!”

TotLG39
“Then there’s the most important thing…”

“What’s that?”

“The initiation.”

“Initiation?”

TotLG40

“OH YEAH. Anyone who wants to hang out with us… has to spend the night alone… in the place next door… it’s HAUNTED.”

TotLG41

“Dear Mom and Dad, I hope you’re having a good time. I am, too.”

TotLG42

TotLG43

TotLG45

"You must be Amanda..."
“You must be Amanda…”

TotLG47

"... I'm Nanny"
“… I’m Nanny”

TotLG49

NOOOO! If you touch her contaminated wrinkly old hand I’ll never let you touch my things again!”

TotLG50

*creepy frenetic music as Nanny scurries away*
*creepy frenetic music as Nanny scurries away*
"DON'T YOU EVER TALK TO HER!"
“DON’T YOU EVER TALK TO HER!”

“Who is she?”

“My nanny, and I want her gone!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m TOO old for a nanny, and she’s SO weird — I hate how she’s ALWAYS watching me!”

"She seems kind of sad to me..."
“She seems kind of sad to me…”

TotLG54

“She’s crazy, REALLY crazy. I know for a fact there’s something funny with her and the haunted place next door. I heard my parents talking once. I think she must have been driven insane by the ghost… which reminds me, there’s a pool party at Sally’s on Saturday, I suppose you wanna come.”

"Sure!"
“Sure!”

“Don’t get too excited, you can’t come unless you go through the initiation.”

“The night in the haunted house?”

TotLG56
“You got it. Tomorrow night. Pleasant dreams
"Are you OK?"
“Are you OK?”
"You dropped this"
“You dropped this”
"Thank you..."
“Thank you…”

TotLG60

“Is that Beth’s laundry?”

“Oh that’s OK, it won’t take me long.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

TotLG61

“SHE’S SO WEIRD, and I’m too old for a nanny. Why doesn’t she just leave?

“I’m not gonna argue. I told you before. She has nowhere to go, I wish she did but she doesn’t.”

TotLG62

*Nanny scurries away in shame*
*Nanny scurries away in shame*

TotLG64

“There you are honey! Sleeping in? Now Beth, I don’t want to hear any more rudeness. See you girls later.”

*Aunt Dottie exits*

“I’m going roller skating. DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF… oh, and don’t forget… tonight’s the night.”

*fade to commercial*

Time for a quick word from our sponsors…

"Why does everyone think it's haunted anyway?"
“Why does everyone think it’s haunted anyway?”

“They DON’T THINK it’s haunted, they KNOW it’s haunted… and this is why. A long long time ago, there was a little girl who lived there. All the kids made fun of her, because she couldn’t talk.”

“Why couldn’t she talk?”

“… I dunno. She just… couldn’t.”

“Maybe she was deaf?”

“It doesn’t matter, JUST LISTEN!”

“Sorry.”

TotLG66

“Anyway, one day… her mom got a letter… from her dad… who was away in the war… had gotten sick. So she sent the little girl to go stay with her grandmother while she went away to take care of him. Only the little girl didn’t make it to her grandmother’s… because on the way, some mean kids surrounded her, and teased her.”

TotLG67

“She ran back home to get away from them, and they followed her… followed her RIGHT into her very own home. They locked the little girl in her bedroom…”

“What happened?”

“No one knew she was there. Her mother didn’t come back for weeks, and her grandmother didn’t even know she was coming. When they found her, she was DEAD.”

"And that's where you have to go: her BEDROOM"
“And that’s where you have to go. Her BEDROOM”
"We'll know you're in there by the light, from this"
“We’ll know you’re in there by the light, from this”
"The keys to the front door"
“The keys to the front door”

“Won’t Aunt Dottie miss them?”

“No way… no one ever calls to see the place… it’s just… TOO scary…”

*Amanda hesitates*


“You… COULD turn chicken… if you rather spend the whole summer alone… reading.”

“No… I’m going in. I don’t believe in ghosts anyway.”

“Neither did we… until we spent the night in there…”

TotLG71

“What a dweeb! She really thinks we all did this!”

*The girls run off giggling*

"Very funny y-you guys..."
“Very funny y-you guys…”

“I know that’s just you t-trying to s-scare me…”

TotLG73

"Oh my God!"
“Oh my God!”
"It's backwards.... HELP ME??"
“It’s backwards…. HELP ME??”

TotLG76

TotLG77

"AHHHHH!!!!!!"
“AHHHHH!!!!!!”

TotLG79

*Amanda takes off running and screaming*
*Amanda takes off running and screaming*

TotLG81

TotLG82

TotLG83

"VERY creepy...."
“VERY creepy….”
"Where did Beth go?"
“Where did Beth go?”

TotLG86

“Beth went to Sally’s for the whole night. Aunt Dottie was working late.”

"That means Amanda was home alone with Nanny..."
“That means Amanda was home alone with Nanny…”

TotLG88

“She should have stayed with the ghost. Now she’s alone with a LUNATIC.”

TotLG89

“Nanny isn’t a lunatic. Beth just told Amanda that to scare her, but you PROBABLY didn’t get that… did you?”

“Guys, come on. So what happened, Dave?”

TotLG90

“When Aunt Dottie came home, Amanda told her everything that happened.”

TotLG91

“I’m VERY disappointed in you girls. I don’t know who did the writing on the wall.”

“I didn’t.”

“And I don’t want to know. You two girls are gonna go over there and scrub it off before I get back.”

“Will you come with us?”

“I will not. I have two open houses today and also a closing at six. If you two girls went over there last night then surely you can go over there now.”

"Aunt Dottie, there's a ghost living there..."
“Aunt Dottie, there’s a ghost living there…”

“Oh PLEASE! You can do better than that. Now come on, let’s go.”

*The girls head next door*

“This is ALL YOUR FAULT. You’re such a chicken!”

“I’m not, and I don’t want to be in your lame ole group any more.”

"Good, I WASN'T GONNA LET YOU ANYWAY"
“Good, I WASN’T GONNA LET YOU ANYWAY!”

“And you’re a snitch too. You’re a chicken AND a snitch. I COULDN’T STAND BEING YOU.”

*Amanda hesitates to go upstairs*

“Gimme a break! It’s not even dark. You CAN’T be scared now!”

TotLG94

“One thing’s for sure, I’m never inviting you to do anything with my friends ever again… HELL-LOOOO?!

TotLG95

“… Wow, no wonder mom was so mad. You did this just to get me in trouble didn’t you?”

“I didn’t do it… it wasn’t like this last night…”

“Yeah right! Well if you think I’m gonna clean up the mess that YOU made…”

TotLG96

TotLG97

"Beth! Come on, let's go!"
“Beth! Come on, let’s go!”

“Woooow, look at all the dolls and stuffed animals. What an AWESOME collection, it’s even bigger than mine…”

TotLG99

"BETH NOOOOOO!!!"
“BETH NOOOOOO!!!”
"AHHHH!!!"
“AHHHH!!!”
"OH MY GOD OPEN THE DOOR! LET ME OUT!"
“OH MY GOD OPEN THE DOOR! LET ME OUT!”
"LEAVE ME ALONE!  LEAVE ME ALONE!"
“LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
"Who are you? ... Wait a second... it's Nanny!"
“Who are you? … Wait a second… it’s Nanny!”
"... Your... your MOTHER?  Nanny's your mother?"
“… Your… your MOTHER? Nanny’s your mother?”

TotLG106

“Help me? Help you? I- I can help you, yes, please open the door and I can help you. I’ll get her, I will.”

*door creeps open*

“Thank you… I’ll get her.”

TotLG107

“NO DON’T GO AMANDA! HELP ME! I’M STUCK IN THE MIRROR! AMANDA CAN’T YOU SEE ME?!?! HOW AM I GONNA GET OUTTA HERE!?! AMANDAAAAA!”

TotLG108

"NANNY!"
“NANNY!”
"Nanny! Where are you?!"
“Nanny! Where are you?!”
"NANNY!? Oh no, Nanny no! NOOO!"
“NANNY!? Oh no, Nanny no! NOOO!”

TotLG112

“NANNY WAIT! Please don’t go! You have to come with me!”

“What? What are you saying?”

“Over there, come on!”

“No, I’m not going THERE, too many bad memories. You girls can go play your jokes on someone else.”

“No it’s not a joke, please!”

“No, I’m leaving. I’m not wanted here anymore.”

“YES YOU ARE!”

"Wh-where did you get this?"
“Wh-where did you get this?”
"No, nooooo, no! I can't! It's too hard!"
“No, nooooo, no! I can’t! It’s too hard!”

TotLG115

“My baby! My poor baby… I didn’t know you were here, all this time. Nothing bad will ever happen to you again.”

*points to mirror*


“Yes, yes! I’ll go with you!”

TotLG116

"Amanda help me! I'm stuck in the mirror!"
“Amanda, help me! I’m stuck in the mirror!”

*Beth’s friends enter room*

“Amanda, where’s Beth? Your aunt said that you guys were both over here.”

"Please Amanda, help me!"
“Please Amanda, help me!”

“Are you gonna stop bossing me around?”

“Yes!”

TotLG119

“Are you gonna stop bossing your friends around?”

“Yes!”

“Well, OK, I’ll let you out.”

*opens door, Beth tumbles out*

“You know Beth, I think we’re gonna have to make some changes in this group…” 

*Beth’s friends giggle*

"... the end"
“… the end”
"So what happened with Amanda and Beth?"
“So what happened with Amanda and Beth?”

“Amanda had a great summer. She even let Beth hang with the group.”

TotLG122

“Good story, Dave. I now declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed. Until next week, everyone.”

"C'mon zeeb. I'll buy you a soda to cool you off"
“C’mon zeeb. I’ll buy you a soda to cool you off”

“Ow ow ow OW.”

"Kristen?"
“Kristen?”

“Yeah?”

“Aren’t you going to — ?”

“Oh the present! Oh I’m sorry Dave, your story was so good.”

“That’s OK.”

TotLG125

"A locket like in your story!"
“A locket like in your story!”

“You like it?”

“I love it, it’s beautiful but… you shouldn’t have gotten this.”

"What do you think?"
“What do you think?”

“Perfect… I knew it would be.”

"I'll think of you every time I wear it... forever"
“I’ll think of you every time I wear it… forever”
"Let's catch up!"
“Let’s catch up!”

EPILOGUE

*Amanda takes off running and screaming*
“Come here and play with me…”

The Lonely Ghost episode epitomizes what the show was all about: spooks and thrills, yes, but also with plenty of heart. Are You Afraid of the Dark? was a small but special ingredient during my childhood years. Every week I joined in at the campfire and it made me feel like Uncle Jimmy never left. The haunting images and stories from the show resonates with a part of my being. They are forever etched in my memory bank.

TotLG50

The old lady in my recurring nightmares as a lad actually looks a lot like Nanny does here. That whole scene gave me the chills! I remember when I first saw this episode in ’92, I thought,“It’s the old lady from my nightmares!” However, Nanny proved to be harmless… and I don’t know if that had any lingering subconscious effects on me or not, but soon thereafter I stopped having those recurring nightmares of the hag stalking me everywhere in the dream world. Then again, maybe it had to do more with the fact that Uncle Jimmy recently moved out and was no longer available to tell me ghost stories involving old, twisted, demented ladies. Nothing creeps me out quite like old ladies dressed in black with frizzy hair who meanders around in an unorthodox manner. Good work, Nanny. It was one of the best scenes from the Are You Afraid of the Dark? legacy! Well done, Sheena Larkin. I still get goosebumps whenever I think about that scene…

TotLG130

There are things from our childhood that we cherish and reminisce fondly upon. Sometimes, they don’t quite hold up. But Are Your Afraid of the Dark? definitely does, and I hope to one day share this classic series with my own children. I have so many fond memories of watching this show at night with my brother over 20 years ago. The show was well written and executed and still holds up to this day.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Laura Bertram (Amanda)
Laura Bertram (Amanda)

Now 37, Laura is still involved in the acting world. She is also an instructor at Biz Studio where she teaches kids and teens about TV acting. Looking good, Laura! And way to give back to the youth :)

Laura Levin (Beth)
Laura Levin (Beth)

Her mean cousin Beth, played by Laura Levin, is now a professor of theatre and performance arts, where she passes the joy of acting to a new generation. In 2005, Laura Levin was named one of 200 “everyday heroes” who had enriched undergraduates’ lives. The theatre professor was completing her doctoral studies at the time and had taught courses in acting and performance and directed several undergraduate student theatre productions.

“Laura Levin is really the best thing that has happened to me in my college career,” said the anonymous student who singled out Levin on the undergraduate experience survey. “As cliché as it sounds, she believes in me,” wrote Levin’s admirer. “That is honestly what every student needs. They need primarily to believe in themselves and their abilities. But, to also have someone who will fight with you just to affirm that they believe in you, can be enough to inspire a student to move forward.”

“It meant a lot to me to read this student comment,” said Levin, who received news of her citation near the end of her first teaching term. “In the midst of end-of-first-year-junior-professor-exhaustion, it’s nice to know that my teaching can make a difference.”

It’s always lovely to see people from your childhood, whether you knew them personally or not, doing well in the game of life.

As for Nanny and the Ghost, to this day still they reside happily together in the mirror.

The Adventures of Hourai High (SNES)

Pub: J-Wing | Dev: Dynamite | April '96 | 8 MEGS
Pub: J-Wing | Dev: Dynamite | April ’96 | 8 MEGS

I fell in love with EarthBound after playing it for the first time back in November 2012. It was one of the best RPGs that I ever played. Wanting more, I searched online for similar titles. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered there was one on the SNES called The Adventures of Hourai High. It’s an obscure Japanese only RPG that can best be described as a mix of EarthBound and Final Fantasy V. Say no more. Take my money! Thankfully, the game’s dialogue has long since been fan translated from Japanese to English. Thanks to the effort of these good men, Westerners can now enjoy a visit to the wacky and nutty Hourai High School…

20 YEAR REUNION

Earthbound fans will appreciate Hourai High's humor
EarthBound fans will appreciate Hourai High‘s humor

Just yesterday the Nintendo 64 and Mario 64 celebrated 20 years since both were first released in Japan. Dude, that just blows my mind. Where does the time go? Speaking of 20th Anniversaries, a couple months ago The Adventures of Hourai High turned 20 years old itself. I guess them crazy cats had their 20 year class reunion somewhere in Japan. Thinking about that makes me reminisce about my high school years. I just crossed the 15 year mark myself. Damn I’m getting old…

Its Final Fantasy V job system lets you join various clubs
Its Final Fantasy V job system lets you join many clubs

MEMORIES OF SENIOR YEAR

Ah, high school -- the formative years of our youth
Ah, high school — the formative years of our youth

Who doesn’t remember high school? From getting your driver’s license, your first job, or perhaps even your first girlfriend [or boyfriend -Ed.], those were the days of our youth. We formed friendships and learned life lessons. We also learned a little bit more about who we were going to be. Senior Prom, Grad Night, crappy group projects, the Senior Prank, cliques, clubs, crushes, awful school lunches, crappy teachers, cool teachers, and a whole lot of posturing to be cool and hip, especially with the “in-crowd.” High school now feels like ancient history to me, and while I feel college was a lot more important, it’s impossible to deny that high school has its place too. I was sort of a regular kid in high school. I wasn’t part of the “cool kids” group, but I wasn’t one of the dweebs that got bullied, either. I was good old Steve, the nice guy the girls liked (as their friend only, of course) and I hung out with other regular Joes who were right in the middle of the pecking order, so to speak. We had a good time, forged some good memories but when all was said and done, we sailed out into the sunset, never looking back sans the odd nostalgic moment here and there.

I'll never forget Judy -- my biggest high school crush
I’ll never forget Judy — my biggest high school crush

In terms of pecking order, I hit my peak during senior year. I started branching out from my friends, taking classes that interested me (such as creative writing and acting) which helped to develop my confidence. I also landed my first job at the local Blockbuster, and my employee perk of being able to get 5 free movies a week suddenly made little ole me a man in demand. Many nights I would see a lot of my cute senior classmates stroll in and I would take advantage of the opportunity by chatting with them as I rung them up. My biggest crush was easily Judy. She was the prom queen of our school. The girl was smoking hot. I always felt like we shared a great rapport. Somehow Lady Luck had it that we sat next to each other in a couple classes. I’d call Judy many nights to exchange class notes before talking about random topics for a little bit. This was back in the day when cell phones had yet to explode in popularity, so I had Judy’s house number. I wanted her email so I could directly connect with her — sometimes it felt a little awkward to have to talk to her mom or dad first. Unfortunately she was dating a jock at the time and so I was left daydreaming.

Steph was cool but jeez, I was quite the homework helper
Steph was cool. Hope she’s well wherever she is

Yearbooks were passed out the week of our Graduation. I remember that last week of my senior year fondly. Passing yearbooks around, signing them for your buddies and everyone feeling excited about the future. Many felt as though we had the world at the tip of our fingers. That youthful optimism that only comes when you’re 17 almost ready to graduate and head off to college. I had never told Judy how much I enjoyed our friendship. I decided to tell her in my yearbook signing. We exchanged yearbooks at lunch and I went to work. I hoped she’d somehow include her email in my yearbook. Finally, we exchanged again and I walked home anxious to read what she had wrote. I’ll never forget the feeling of butterflies soaring in the pit of my stomach when I cracked my yearbook open to read what Judy had written. Was she going to pour out her soul to me as well?

*fist pump*
*fist pump*

I never felt so high and light in my life before. My biggest high school crush read my mind. She not only gave me her email address but asked me to hang out with her as well. Life was good. Thanks for the memories, Judy.

TIMEWALK TRIBUTE

I was lucky to buy these two just months before Timewalk folded
Their work was high quality indeed

Timewalk was a famous little fan company within the retro gaming community. They once sold beautiful repro games and some of them even had gorgeous boxes and manuals. Before they closed shop in early 2014 I was fortunate enough to buy the boxes and manuals of Gunman’s Proof and The Adventures of Hourai High. Man I’m glad I did. I always meant to buy more of their SNES box/manual sets but sadly never got around to it before they unexpectedly closed. Timewalk boxes nowadays go for a pretty penny as they’re now officially a limited quantity.

This "diary" manual was a bit... creepy
This diary manual was a bit… creepy

Timewalk’s products are amazing but the manual to Adventures of Hourai High deserves a special shout-out. Designed by member JM, this 44-page booklet was written in composition notebook form. It’s written from the perspective of the female protagonist. Recall that you can play as either a male or female. It makes sense that they chose to write the manual from a female perspective since high school girls are more prone to journaling. There are no how-to instructions in this diary. Instead, it’s a full-blown account of her times at Hourai High from the moment she arrives, April 1st, to nearly a year later on March 25th. The entries are written from a 16 year old female’s point of view — all of the dairy entries are downright emo. It totally fits and I commend JM for the incredible effort. Even more impressive, JM used actual facts from the game that players will quickly pick up on. It sort of adds another layer to the whole experience.

That drawing reminds me of something...
That drawing reminds me of something…

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As does this...
As does this…

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There's even a touch of the occult at Hourai High. Heebie-jeebies!
There’s even a touch of the occult at Hourai High
Kinda gives one the heebie-jeebies!
Kinda gives one the heebie-jeebies!

THE WACKY STORY GOES…

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Richard Vernon from the 1985 classic The Breakfast Club
Richard Vernon from The Breakfast Club (1985)

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Best subtitle ever
Best subtitle ever
Choose between using a guy or girl
Choose between using a guy or girl
Here's a tip noob: Roku is the type to hold grudges
Here’s a tip: Roku is the type to hold grudges
[Hmm, I notice you do a lot of "research" -Ed.]
[Hmm, I notice you do a lot of “research” -Ed.]
The modern setting helps differentiate it from fantasy RPGs
The modern setting helps set it apart from most RPGs
What did I say about Roku eh?

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He should be more upset about that stupid haircut!
He should be more upset about that stupid haircut!
It even apes EarthBound's font. A lovely touch indeed
It even apes EarthBound‘s font. A lovely touch indeed
Meet Daichi, your fellow comrade. At times a little TOO loyal
Meet your super loyal comrade, Daichi
High school urban legends? Check
High school urban legends? Check

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And I shall call it... hmm, ah yes, WEIRD SCIENCE...
And I shall call it… hmm, ah yes, WEIRD SCIENCE

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Dude, we just escaped an infested sewer!
Dude, we just barely escaped an infested sewer!
UM NO, nope... I h-haven't s-seen a-any gh-ghosts around here...
“Uh, I haven’t s-seen any gh-ghosts around here…”

[Lemme guess. Research again, right? -Ed.]
[Lemme guess. Research again, right? -Ed.]
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You an carry guns and knives at Hourai High
You can carry guns and knives at Hourai High
I" said CRIPES. Jeez, just coz I'm black!"
“I said CRIPES. Jeez, just coz I’m black…”
Do NOT want to backtrack here. TRUST ME
Do NOT want to backtrack here. TRUST ME
Sure, why not. Robots at Hourai High too
Sure, why not. Robots at Hourai High too

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Shin means new right? Good, coz you need a new haircut
Shin means new — good coz ya need a new haircut
The only SNES RPG to feature an African American
The only SNES RPG to feature an African American
[Chihaya, you're not the first lady to say that... -Ed.]
[You’re not the first lady to say that… -Ed.]
So girls can go to boys' dorm but not vice versa? Oh it's Hinako
Hinako is that girl you love to hate

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OK, NOW I have officially seen it all
OK, NOW I have officially seen it all

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"We're tryin' to attract 'em, not scare 'em away!"
“We’re tryin’ to attract ‘em, not scare ‘em away!”

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Poor Hinako. She's such a good sport...
Poor Hinako. She’s such a good sport…
“Way to put me on the spot. Well, let’s see…”
Good call, Steve. Good call
Good call, Steve. Good call

What other SNES RPG celebrates your birthday eh?
What other SNES RPG celebrates your birthday eh?
Get a little BDAY boost!
Get a little BDAY boost!
"Stop coming into my room. It was only ONE night Hinako!"
“Quit barging in. It was only ONE night OK!”
Wait, is that same bitch who threw you out?
Wait, is that same bitch who threw you out?

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Yeah, sometimes Daichi is TOO loyal...
Yeah, sometimes Daichi is TOO loyal…
Great idea! Let's split up. It always works in scary movies
Let’s split up. It always works in scary movies
[I need that tree -Ed.]
[I need that tree -Ed.]
Miss Adachi, your homeroom teacher, is quite the looker
Ms. Adachi, the homeroom teacher, is quite a looker
"Do you have a bridge I can buy too?"
“Do you have a bridge I can buy too?”
Whoa, some creepazoid be watching you sleep...
Whoa, some creepazoid watchin’ you sleep…
Well that escalated quickly
Well that escalated quickly

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Save this unkempt savage and he'll join your team
Save this little savage and he’ll join the team
If you thought Mitsurin was odd, check out this guy!
Thought Mitsurin was odd? Check out this guy
He has a name and he also talks. OK...
He has a name and he also talks. OK…
There are no words to describe this
There are no words to describe this

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Love the feeling of finding keys in an RPG
Love the feeling of finding keys in an RPG
What evil lies behind this door? Play it to find out
What evil lies beyond? Play it to find out…
Remember how satisfying it was gliding down these ropes?
The jungle chapter reminded me of this
A case of deja vu
Talk about a case of deja vu

The jungle is probably my favorite chapter in the game. I love how Hourai High uses a modern backdrop, but throws in more exotic locales such as this wild jungle. It’s similar to what EarthBound did to keep the journey fresh as well as exciting. Here in the jungle you’ll encounter all sorts of untamed savages ready to devour your party whole. I enjoyed all chapters of Hourai High but I like the jungle one most because it captures what the FIELD TRIP FROM HELL would be like. Good times. Or rather, bad times? Ah you get my drift.

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Its sense of humor is sure to make you smile
Its sense of humor is sure to make you smile
New amusingly strict rules are declared every so often
New amusingly strict rules are posted every so often
I know we bonded on that Africa trip, but come on!
“I know we bonded on that Africa trip, but c’mon!”

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Roku ain't letting it go
Roku ain’t letting it go

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This robot reminds me of the one from Breath of Fire

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Each new rule get crazier and crazier
Each new rule get crazier and crazier
Poor Daichi and his weak bladder. Kid is screwed
Poor Daichi and his weak bladder. Kid is screwed
"Ah sorry! Sometimes I take things literally..."
“Ah sorry! Sometimes I take things literally…”
In terms of oddness, only EarthBound can rival it
In terms of oddness, only EarthBound can rival it

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Quit laughing! Don't you see this isn't funny. It's sick!
“Quit laughing! This isn’t funny — this is sick!”
Hell yeah, Hourai High shows that you can stick it to the man!
Hell yeah, stick it to the man!

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Alright let's all calm down now
“Alright pal, let’s all calm down now…”
What the ...
What the …
Light-colored text reveals people's real thoughts
Light color text reveals people’s real thoughts
Ugh, you don't leave without getting an answer!
Ugh, you don’t leave without getting an answer!
Is that scotch I smell there, Santa?
Is that scotch I smell there, Santa?
There are many Santa workers; you have to suss out the right one
Imposters galore. But only one real Santa
I love how she loses her sanity more day by day, week by week...
Slowly losing her sanity day by day, week by week…

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Secret of Mana (1993)
Secret of Mana (1993)
This is NOT how you treat a starfish! It is extremely unbecoming!
“NOT cool. It’s extremely unbecoming!”
What attending Hourai High for 6 months will do to ya
Yep, she’s lost it now
"BAH HUMBUG!"
“BAH HUMBUG!”
Ninjas... always ruining Christmas
Ninjas… always ruining Christmas
Click like, comment, subscribe, donate...
Click like, comment, subscribe, donate…
WHAT!?!  No, he doesn't. I mean, no, we've never.... YOU KNOW!
“WHAT!?! I have no recollection of this…”
Each month (chapter) ends with an interesting newspaper article
Each month ends with a newspaper article
On second thought, being with you kids... make that any second!
“Being with you kids… make that any second!”
Who knows what strange beasts dwell in these deadly caves?
What strange beasts dwell in these deadly caves?

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That's just... wrong
That’s just… wrong

Looks serious. Could be a revolt!  [Or lunch -Ed.]
Looks serious. Could be a revolt! [Or lunch -Ed.]
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"Uhhh guys... I have a bad feeling about this..."
“Uhhh guys… I have a bad feeling about this…”

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Street Fighter II (1991)
Street Fighter II (1991)

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Gamera vs. Zigra (1971)
Gamera vs. Zigra (1971)

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Trilogy of Terror (1975)
Trilogy of Terror (1975)
The game's art style is loaded with character
The game’s art style is loaded with character
"There's a reason why we call you HIGH-nako..."
“There’s a reason we call you HIGH-nako…”

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[Oops. But it’s OK, only like 6 people read this site -Ed.]
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SIDEWAY STORIES AT HOURAI HIGH

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A childhood classic
A childhood classic

One of the best things about elementary school was receiving the latest book order. Remember circling all the book titles you wanted and getting your parents to buy most of them? It was a much easier sales pitch than a video game on account of being far cheaper and educational. Best of all, that magical morning you come into the classroom and find a stack of brand new books sitting atop your desk! Sure, it might not have been as wondrous as getting a video game on Christmas morning, but then again, as a kid what was? Seeing new books on your desk was still pretty damn cool. And while my love for the Goosebumps series has been well documented, one of my absolute favorites was easily Sideway Stories From Wayside School. It told the wacky tales of a zany school that was constructed 30 stories high! Featuring an evil teacher, Mrs. Gorf, each chapter highlighted a different student. The stories were beyond bizarre. My favorite was the chapter “Stephen.” Because it had my name (well, close enough) AND it was based on my favorite holiday as a kid: Halloween. Stephen also gets the best of Mrs. Gorf. I remember living vicariously through him. It was a reminder that even a little brave kid could stand up to a big mean adult.

As a kid I believed that Louis Sachar wrote this chapter for me
Louis Sachar clearly wrote this chapter for me
Subsequent inferior sequels followed and uh, 'jumped the shark'
Inferior sequels followed and jumped the shark…

GLARING FLAWS

Far from a perfect 4.0 GPA...
Far from a perfect 4.0 GPA…

There’s no denying the game’s humor and charm. However, a few key flaws keep it from being great. The biggest flaw? Equipping better armor and weapons seem to make NO difference at all. How Dynamite missed this is baffling, but this was the only game they ever developed, so take that for what it’s worth. So then this game is super hard right? Wrong. It’s actually very easy, even with this flaw. Your characters do level up, so their strength does increase, and that helps. You just can’t increase your strength by equipping a stronger weapon, so it makes armor and weapon buying useless, which is a shame as that’s part of the fun. So even though you can earn a variety of cool skills from all the various clubs you’ll join, it really doesn’t make a dent in the gameplay much in the end, as battles are so easy the only strategy consists of spamming the attack button (or use auto battle). The next major flaw: there are some game crashing bugs. I’ll highlight some below. Fortunately, on my playthrough, I avoided the bugs and thus was able to see the game through. Finally, the enemy encounter rate is ridiculously high. Sometimes you can’t take 4 steps it seems without a random battle occurring. Thus, it can drag the game down a bit. Thank God for that auto battle option.

It's a shame that buying new weapons and armor is not necessary
No need to buy new weapons and armor
Use Hinako's GUST skill at your own discretion...
Don’t use Hinako’s GUST skill. Just don’t
If you leave here and come back, the game may crash
If you leave here and come back, the game crashes
You get ridiculously bombarded by bad guys constantly
The enemy encounter rate is ridiculously high
Hmmm, I got a Senior Prank in mind...
Hmmm, I got a Senior Prank in mind…
Love the Lego Duplo look of the characters
Love the Lego Duplo look of the characters

Like I said, there are some flaws that one just cannot overlook. Having said that, now let’s talk about the positives. Visually, it’s got a very clean and unique look. The characters look great. Enemies and the various locales have a good deal of detail. The music is surprisingly well done for a company who only made one game. Lots of catchy tunes that range from frenetic and upbeat to soothing and relaxing, like a cool summertime breeze. There are many friends to make, many playable characters to try and many different clubs you can join to earn a myriad of offensive and defensive skills. You can partake in up to 3 clubs at once and you are free to switch out whenever you like.

There are so many people you can recruit!
There are so many people you can recruit!
The "Friend Point" was a neat little system
The “Friend Point” was a neat little system

You also earn Friend Points after a fight. Distribute it as you wish. After maxing out one’s Friend Points, that character becomes your best bud. You then unlock certain special skills and moves. Pretty cool stuff.

If you love (zany) RPGs, Hourai High is worth a visit
If you love (zany) RPGs, Hourai High is worth a visit

FAST TIMES AT HOURAI HIGH

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[Touché -Ed.]
[Touché -Ed.]
It took me 30 hours to beat this game. I will definitely play through it a second time at some point down the road, and use the female protagonist next time. I’d like to thank the translating crew over at Aeon Genesis, who made this fan translation possible. A job well done, AG!

EarthBound fans will likely enjoy this too
EarthBound fans will likely enjoy this game too

CLOSING THOUGHTS

"Not exactly a welcome mat, is it?"
“Not exactly a welcome mat now, is it?”

Adventures of Hourai High will take you back to high school in some ways, but it’s also far beyond anything anyone ever experienced in high school. Yes, you’ll make buddies (even to varying degrees), join clubs and learn different skills, and even forge a few enemies but if it stopped there it’d be boring. Here, you’ll go on the adventure of a lifetime. Everywhere from rancid sewers to wild jungles to spooky demonic temples. Along the journey there’s plenty of charm thanks in large part to its amusing dialogue and all the wacky characters who inhabit its kooky world. It’s like high school, only taken to the very extreme, with a very peculiar Japanese touch that ONLY the Japanese can offer. If that sounds like a good time to you then I’m sure you’ll enjoy it — warts and all — like I have!

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Adventures of Hourai High exudes charm and humor in spades. And that’s the best quality it has going for it. Where it falls short in execution, it excels in charming the pants off ya. All the strange characters that you meet, the diverse locales you’ll travel to and all the weird enemies you battle, not to mention the amusing dialogue, makes you press on in spite of its flaws. It’s one of the most endearing video games I’ve ever experienced. If you’re willing to look beyond the rough edges (high enemy encounter rate and broken weapon system), there’s a wonderful adventure lying underneath. This game made me smile constantly. It’s loaded with personality and heart. It’s too bad Dynamite didn’t iron out the kinks because this could have been a real gem. Still, it’s one of those rare games where in spite of its glaring flaws there’s something about it compels you forward. Who knew an RPG based around high school teenage life could be so addicting? If you can bear its missteps, this is one high school definitely worth visiting.

Graphics: 7.5
Sound: 8.5
Gameplay: 7
Longevity: 7

AwardOverall: 7.5
Bronze Award

EarthBound (SNES)

Pub: Nintendo | Dev: Ape | June '95 | 24 MEGS
Pub: Nintendo | Dev: Ape | June ’95 | 24 MEGS

One of the most notorious games from the vast Super Nintendo library is without a doubt EarthBound. Released 21 years ago, it stood out in the crowd of RPGs by having a contemporary setting, a zany sense of humor, and a very unique style. And as the years passed, the game grew in demand, popularity and reverence. So much that some people would even tell you that the game has been overhyped beyond belief. In 2012, I finally got to play through EarthBound. It was an adventure the likes of which I’ll remember FOREVER.

WHEN PRICES WERE DOWN TO EARTH

The SNES market has skyrocketed in recent years
The SNES market has skyrocketed in recent years

When I got back into the Super Nintendo scene 10 years ago in early 2006, the games were still quite cheap. I picked up titles like Ninja Gaiden Trilogy, Castlevania: Dracula X, Aero Fighters, Mega Man X³, and EarthBound each for $40 or less. No such luck doing that today! It boggles the mind how crazy expensive these old games are now. Back in 2006, EarthBound didn’t carry the mainstream reputation it would later gain in recent years. It was just another game I’d never played back in the day but was now interested in doing so. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that the game would become the monster that it is today. It makes me wonder how much these games will command 5 to 10 years from now. All I know for sure — I’m glad I got in when I did and got out before the market went sky high. Life is truly about timing, and a little lady luck never hurts too!

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ALIENS FROM ANOTHER PLANET

Ah, back when life was carefree and innocent
Nelly and I had our own version of Friday Night Lights

As a kid UFOs fascinated me. Alien beings that lived far above us in the outer reaches of space. The idea that intelligent (and possibly menacing) creatures living above us is mystifying. Growing up, I would scan the skies late at night with my binoculars hoping to see something, yet at the same time dreading the possibility that something might see me back. My best friend Nelson and I became obsessed; we even had the odd “sky stakeout” here and there. While it may sound a bit sad, there are worse ways to spend an evening than to hang out with your best friend shooting the breeze and scanning the skies while sharing a pepperoni pizza. We never saw anything, not even once, but I think Nelson and I both silently understood that we used it as an excuse to veg out on a Friday night after a long school week. About once a month we’d bust out the lawn chairs, set our piping hot Totino’s pizza on the little table outside, kick back and talk about our crushes on Jenny and Elaine, video games and anything monster-related while staring out at the beautiful early evening sky. Munching on cheesy carbs and sipping on fizzy soda, Nelly and I would gaze up at the sky talking the night away. We’d stay outside so late that his mom would flip the back porch light on. Those “stakeout” Friday evenings have stuck with me all these years later. Time marches on, but I still recall those lazy nights vividly.

They're out there...
They’re out there…

The best thing about UFOs for me was the idea that they could be anywhere. The Loch Ness Monster was confined to Scotland, Bigfoot could only lurk in the woods, but aliens could be anywhere. The idea that they could be watching you at any time was all part of the fun of believing in them as a kid. And the fact that aliens could be whatever you wanted them to be. Maybe friendly and precocious like E.T., or deadly and malicious, or just advanced and neutral. They were whatever you made them out to be. EarthBound is awesome for a myriad of reasons. One being they took a lot of my childhood interests and crammed them into one epic RPG. Nessie, Bigfoot, aliens, dinosaurs, zombies — EarthBound strikes a certain childhood chord with me no other video game ever has.

Goonies meets Peanuts meets The Wonder Years
GooniesPeanuts + The Wonder Years + Dragon Quest

OUR HEROES

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An all-American kid living in an all-American town, Ness is proof that there lies a hero deep inside each one of us. He’s the kid next door, with a loving mom, a plucky sister and a workaholic but extremely generous dad. One minute Ness is living a basic ordinary life, but when the meteorite crashes, everything changes. An alien believes Ness to be the chosen one with the power to alter cosmic events. A nice all-around character with a good balance of speed, IQ, offensive power and psychic ability. His weapon of choice is a baseball bat. This journey will drain and test Ness at every step of the way. He enters it as a kid, but one way or another, he’s going to leave it a man.

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Remember your Winnie Cooper growing up? You know, your biggest childhood crush? That’s kinda the role one might initially think Paula plays, but there’s so much more to her. Try incredible psychic powers and one mean frying pan. Paula loves to scramble eggs, if you get my drift. She doesn’t mind rolling up her sleeves and getting her hands dirty. Hailing from Twoson, her mother runs the Polestar Preschool. Paula’s the first one to join you on your epic quest, and you must rescue her from the clutches of an evil cult called the Happy Happy Village, led by Mr. Carpainter. Being one in touch with her spiritual side, Paula can pray in a pinch. I renamed her as Jenny, based on my own Winnie Cooper growing up.

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No healthy childhood would be complete without the aid and presence of a best friend. While Jeff is not touted as Ness’ best pal, I like to think of him as such. The mechanical genius of the team, Jeff is son to a famous scientist. It shows, as he can use machines and gadgets that no one else on the team can. He also has a knack for repairing broken devices, which proves to be invaluable. While he doesn’t possess any psychic ability, Jeff makes up for it with his tremendous knowledge of being able to fashion great weapons out of broken items. He might be a little weak offensively, but his IQ is critical to the group’s success. I renamed him Nelly, in honor of my childhood best friend, Nelson.

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The mysterious prince from the East (Dalaam to be precise) is the third and final friend to join you in your quest. Being the oldest member of the group, plus possessing that ever so mysterious charm of being from somewhere far, far away, Poo has great physical, mental and spiritual strength. One of his best talents is the magic ability to assume the shape of an enemy attacker (known as Mirror). Trained in ancient martial arts, this mystical fighter is a much welcomed addition when he finally enters the fray a decent way into the game. He is a bit of a ladies’ man, too, which gives his character an interesting layer to say the least. I renamed Poo to be Sushi-X, in honor of a family friend growing up who, much like Poo, was older than I was and had sort of a mythical aura about him. Everyone in my gaming group called him Sushi-X because he loved EGM and Street Fighter II.

THE REAL HERO

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THE STORY GOES…

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Sunday, 2 PM, the first day of summer
Sunday, 2 PM, the first day of summer

It’s another idyllic sunny day in the small, sleepy town of Onett. Turning off your Super Nintendo, you grab your bike and head off for your weekly paper route. You’ve been working hard to save up enough to buy that new Super Nintendo RPG EarthBound. Hell, you’re so ambitious you even ride out as far as Twoson. You certainly don’t mind it, as there’s nothing like riding your 10 speed bicycle, the wind whipping against your face, that open road ahead. For that small window of time, you’re a free man. Riding out to Twoson was always a bit of an adventure. You could almost feel the whiskers kicking in. Times have changed now. Kids aren’t allowed to go out alone anymore… but back then… this was our life. Besides, it was in Twoson where your crush, Jenny, resides. You’ve stalked, uhhh, I mean, seen her working around the preschool whenever you passed by. You never had any houses on that block of town, but that never did stop you from willingly and happily taking the scenic route.

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Having hand-delivered the odd paper or two to Orange Kid, you’ve developed a bit of a relationship with him. He is Twoson’s infamous inventor, well, one of the two. The other is Apple Kid but no one likes him. Orange Kid on the other hand is a chick magnet. After all, ya can’t compare apples to oranges… [har har -Ed.]. Being that you’re Steve, and NOT such a ladies’ man, you decide to stop by today for a bit of advice on how to win hearts and be more than just another sappy shoulder to cry on. Normally busy, Orange Kid is in a very giving mood today — he spends the better part of an hour divulging some insider tips that’s sure to make even Steve a certified G and a bonafide stud. Rejuvenated, you spend the next couple hours over at the flea market in Burglin Park and Twoson’s pride, MACH PIZZA. Sure, Onett’s Burger Barn is 5-star quality according to their 275 Yelp reviews and counting, but Onett’s not exactly known for its pizza. It’s just another reason why you never complain when it’s time to ride over to Twoson. But you never share this with Orange Kid, fearing that he just might laugh at you if he ever knew the real reason.

Seven hours later...
Seven hours later…

BLINK BLINK. Your eyes open slowly as you realize you fell asleep in Burglin Park. The once inviting sunshine has withered, giving way to a cold, bleak darkness. Mom’s probably worried but this is the mid ’90s when kids could get away with such things. Your bicycle still safely beside you, you hop on and bound homeward.

A cool breeze flows through your hair
A cool breeze flows through your hair

Good old home. It’s your haven. Even though your dad isn’t around, you have almost everything you could want. Sure, you got annoying neighbors, but hey nothing’s perfect. As you head out of Twoson and back to Onett, you beam ear to ear having learned some of Orange Kid’s secrets of the trade. There’s no way Jenny can resist you now.

On THIS night, something incredible is about to happen...
On THIS night, something incredible is about to happen…

By now the sleepy town of Onett has been entirely devoured by darkness. An eerie stillness settles over the suburb, sending a chill up your spine. What once stood as an assuring sight during the day has turned into something sinister in the night. But crime has always been so low that no one really pays mind to anything bad happening in this quaint quiet town. Of course, we all know that’s how it usually starts out…

Jenny I got your number! 867-5309...
Jenny I got your number! 867-5309…

Being an invincible kid ripe off acquiring the fortified knowledge of the players’ handbook, you’ve got not a single care in the world as you come bounding down the all too familiar sight of the suburbs. Closing your eyes and dreaming of your beloved crush, Jenny, you have no idea that a terrible terror is about to overtake your quiet, sleepy town. And thrust you toward a hellacious voyage that will see you ultimately fulfilling your God-given destiny…

They're here...
They’re here…

Meanwhile, somewhere in Onett, a woman wakes up in a pool of her own sweat. A loud bang outside her bedroom sends shivers down her spine. It’s coming from the den. Frightened, she clutches the blanket to her chest while listening in the darkness… silence. Then suddenly, RAP RAP RAP. Someone or SOMETHING wants in. Cautiously tip-toeing her way to the bedroom door, a dark, shadowy and twisty figure appears from behind her…

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Time to do some investigating...
Time to do some investigating…
"Yes sir, going home pronto..."
“Yes sir, going home pronto…”
"What the hell!"
“What the hell!”

After “going home pronto” (AKA sneaking about), you find your annoying neighbor, Pokey, poking around in police business. Whatever’s happening here tonight has to be huge, and you’re not gonna miss it for the world.

OPD is clearly top of the line
OPD — clearly top of the line officers

“Officer, sir, if you don’t mind just letting me slip through here. I have a friend I need to check up on.”

“Sorry kiddo, no can do. I’ve been given strict orders from the chief not to let anyone pass through, and that especially includes punk kids such as yourself.”

“Okaaaay… how about this nice glazed donut, then?”

“GAH! Alright kid, you’ve got five minutes but ONLY five, you hear?!”

"GET! ALL OF Y'ALL! GEEET!"
“GET! ALL OF Y’ALL! GEEET!”

“Hey, who let this punk kid through?”

“Steve! Boy am I glad to see you. Something strange is going on…”

“Alright, enough! You bastards get on out of here!”

Atop the hill, as the police drag you away like a rag doll, you catch a glimpse of a fallen meteor. Rubbing your eyes in disbelief, you wonder if it’s just a dream.

Stagger to bed like Otis Campbell on a Saturday night
Stagger to bed like Otis Campbell on a Saturday night

Mom knows best. One look at your kisser and nothing else needs to be said. Still shaking, you saunter to your bedroom. But before you can replay the night’s events in your mind, your head hits the soft, cool pillow and you fall into a deep sleep…

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Well I'll be damned. Or rather, oh my land!
Well I’ll be damned. Or rather, oh my land!

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The boys set off…

“There’s my bro, Picky! Quick, Steve, save him! Or else my parents are gonna let me have it!”

“Wait, why am I helping you again?”

“Because you’re Steve, an all around good guy!”

“Oh, of course. Damn, it’s a curse to be this kindhearted and good looking.”

Buddy: Master, I don’t think Pokey said good looking but whatever

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Upon arriving at the top they come within 15 feet of the meteor. The air is hot and humid; you can still see steam coming from its core…

“Umm, you go on ahead and grab him, Steve.”

“What! He’s your brother. You go fetch him.”

“No, I think I’m good. I’m with Buddy. Right here is good for me.”

“Fine. You pansy.”

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A mysterious and booming voice suddenly fills the hot night air
A mysterious voice suddenly fills the hot night air
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It’s the voice! “If you build it, he will come”

On their trek home, the boys are stopped dead in their tracks when Star Man Jr., one of Giygas’ nefarious henchmen, appears out of nowhere to confront the 3 boys. Luckily, Buzz Buzz, the source of the voice, is by your side. Protecting the crew with his psychic shield, our hero is able to defeat Star Man Jr. After which, Buzz Buzz warns them the worst is yet to come but he has faith. Legend has it 3 boys and a girl are destined to save the universe. Buzz Buzz believes you are one of those 3 brave, young warriors.

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In his dying breath, Buzz Buzz gives our hero the Sound Stone. “To defeat Giygas, your own power must unite with that of earth.” Our hero sets off to visit 8 sanctuaries to record the sound of each with the Sacred Stone. First stop? The infamous Giant Step!

During the pilgrimage you will run across many interesting cats
During the quest you’ll meet many interesting cats
Growing up and a loss of innocence is one of the central themes
Growing up and lost innocence is a central theme
With its unique look and zany humor, it's one of a kind
With its unique look and zany humor, it’s one of a kind

It truly is. Combining a modern setting with your typical suburban town in Anytown USA, any kid who ever grew up in a sleepy suburb in America can instantly relate. From the moment the game began, I knew right away I was in for one magical, epic journey.

There’s been some major hate dumped on the crude visuals of the game… but I personally love the look. They are INTENTIONALLY retro-fied. I like to think of it as 12-bit… it’s not quite 8-bit NES yet it’s not quite 16-bit. It’s just EarthBound.

Right?! Brings back a fond childhood memory or two
Right?! Brings back a fond childhood memory or two
Wait a second, I've seen this somewhere in a movie...
Wait a second, I’ve seen this somewhere in a movie…
The Purge. Here's Fat Frank after DDP Yoga
The Purge. Here’s Fat Frank after DDP Yoga
And his creepy robot. Purge makers EarthBound fans?
And his creepy robot. Purge makers EarthBound fans?

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While whimsical, it also carries some dark mature themes
While whimsical, it also carries some mature themes
[It's FUZZY PICKLES, damnit -Ed.]
[It’s FUZZY PICKLES, damnit -Ed.]
NPCs made exploring the various towns plenty of fun
NPCs made exploring the various towns very fun
Alright, let's see if they got the latest Goosebumps...
OK let’s see if they got the latest Goosebumps

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“I’D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!” -Bixby Snyder

EarthBound was meta before meta became chic
EarthBound was meta before meta became chic
[Someone say Street Sharks? JAWESOME -Ed.]
[Someone say Street Sharks? JAWESOME -Ed.]
It draws you in, like a good book or movie!
It draws you in, like a good book or movie!
You must beat TITANIC ANT to get the first Sound Stone
Beat Titantic Ant to get the first Sound Stone
Then record the first of 8 melodies with the Sound Stone
Then use it to record the first of 8 melodies

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Breaking the 4th wall again :D
Breaking the 4th wall… again :-D
"Oh. did he have a mohawk?"  "Uh NO. But he wore a red hat"
“He had a mohawk?” “Uh NO. But he wore a red hat”

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By the time I grab my books,
And I give myself a look,
I’m at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by!
It’s alright ’cause I’m saved by the bell!
If the teacher pops a test,
I know I’m in a mess,
And my dog ate all my homework last night,
Ridin’ low in my chair,
She won’t know that I’m there,
If I can hand it in tomorrow, it’ll be all right!
It’s alright, ’cause I’m saved by the bell!

[MY OFFICE — RIGHT NOW -Ed.]

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It's refreshing to play an RPG so bonkers
It’s refreshing to play an RPG so bonkers

[On my favorite RPGs list I rank this at... #2... -Ed.]
[On my favorite RPGs list I rank this at… #2… -Ed.]
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Evokes memories of Peanuts...
“Damn Google put me out of business!”  *grumbles*

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Wait, who is Mr. X?!
A badass prince (and ladies' man) from a mountain village
More on Mr. X in a bit…
If your humor is offbeat, you'll be right at home
If your humor is offbeat, you’ll be right at home
It made the surroundings feel more intimate
It made the surroundings feel more intimate

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Aliens, ghosts, zombies, Nessie AND dinosaurs?!  Yes
It appeals to the 10-year-old inside each of us

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The "Cat Sewer Eyes" haunted my childhood...
The “Cat Sewer Eyes” haunted my childhood…

When we were kids, my parents used to drive me and my bro to the Gaming Crew’s neck of the woods. About an hour into the drive we would pass by these sewers covered by giant “cat masks.” It was big enough that my bro and I could spot it clearly even from the freeway hundreds of feet away. I’d always wondered what the hell they were doing there. The cats became a trademark sight that my bro and I would always point to anytime our parents drove us by. This part of EarthBound brought back buried memories of those bizarre giant sewer cat masks…

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From suburbia to the far east we go thanks to some Magic Cake!
Magic Cake takes ya from suburbia to the far east
Poo completes your party, adding a certain mystique to the group
Poo adds a certain mystique to the group

You are introduced to the 4th and final player of your party, Poo, or in this case, Mr. X. He’s a smooth cat prince living in the palatial mountain village of Dalaam. Take X on a life-altering quest to gain the power of wisdom, valor and patience as you karate chop and decimate all obstacles blocking you from enlightenment. After all, you simply can’t beat a hideous alien force without the pivotal aid of a badass martial artist who hails from a far away land, can you? Well, maybe, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be nearly as fun.

I love the aesthetics of Dalaam
I love the aesthetics of Dalaam
Sushi-X was, purportedly, a ladies' man. Key word is purportedly
Sushi-X was, purportedly, a ladies’ man. Purportedly

Sushi-X was a cat that ran in my gaming group back in the day. He was older than most of us and he always walked around with this certain aura of mystique. In many ways I looked up to him as a kid growing up. We affectionately nicknamed him Sushi-X for his affection of EGM and Street Fighter II, just like the infamous Sushi-X persona on the old EGM review crew. Unfortunately the game didn’t allow me to fit in “Sushi-X” so I went for the next best thing: “Mr. X.”

Remember how satisfying it was gliding down these ropes?
It felt so satisfying gliding down these ropes!

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Read "Summer of Imports" for more on Nelly
Read “Summer of Imports” for more on Nelly
Story of my life...
Story of my life…
No '80s child can ever forget LITE-BRITE
No ’80s child could ever forget LITE-BRITE
"LITE BRITE, LITE BRITE. MAKE A FACE TO GLOW AT NIGHT!"
“LITE BRITE, LITE BRITE. Make a face to glow at night!”
All good things must come to a bittersweet end
All good things must come to a bittersweet end

JENNIFER — MY CHILDHOOD WINNIE COOPER

Oh, of course. Steve is a gentleman of great probity [Riiight -Ed.]
Of course. Steve, a man of great probity [Riiight -Ed.]
We all had one major childhood crush...
We all had one major childhood crush…

Jennifer and Elaine were the two hottest girls in the 5th grade. Nothing could beat being in the same class with your best friend as well as the two cutest girls in school. Nelson favored Elaine while I preferred Jennifer. Sadly, my family moved in the middle of 7th grade and that was the last I saw of Jennifer… until 7 years later. One day during my sophomore year in college I was walking down this long hallway when a young beautiful lady walked right by. Instantly I got a huge whiff of 1994 and was suddenly transported back to my childhood. Could it be, was it — yes, it was Jennifer. Too paralyzed to say anything, I could only watch in silence as we went in opposite directions until she disappeared around the corner. I kicked myself for not saying hi, hoping that we’d bump into each other again. As fate would have it, not long after that, we did. I asked her if she remembered me from elementary school. She smiled warmly and said “Of course. I remember you suddenly left one day in junior high and that was that.” I nodded, the both of us soaking in the moment. Life was different back in the ’90s. We didn’t have Facebook or email to stay in touch. 7 years is a long time not to see or speak to someone but she remembered me. It meant a lot.

A long time ago I used to wonder what might have happened between me and Jennifer had I never moved. My imagination wandered to an alternate future where we’re happily married with two kids, a dog and a white picket fence. She’s now married with a kid. The last time I saw her was about five years ago. I was acting in a musical and she came out to support me. We exchanged pleasantries and hugs after the show in the lobby. And that was the last I ever saw of Jennifer — my childhood Winnie Cooper.

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Well, are you, Jenny?
Hey now! What the hell...
Hey now! What the hell…
Wish the game had a drive-in theatre
A drive-in is the only thing EarthBound is missing

KNOW YOUR MOTHER. TREAT HER RIGHT

Mr. T hates how Mother was disrespected
Mr. T hates how Mother was disrespected

As many of you know by now, EarthBound is the 16-bit sequel to the 8-bit Famicom game MotherMother was released in Japan July 1989, and was set to come out in the US September 1990. But with the impending launch of the SNES, Mother was never released. There’s a pretty fascinating history behind this, and you can find out all the sordid details by way of a quick Google search. There are also some great YouTube history videos on this subject matter. The game has since been fan translated, and is known now as EarthBound ZeroEarthBound on the SNES is known as Mother 2 over in Japan. There was also a Mother 3 released in 2006 for the GBA, but it never left the land of the rising sun. EarthBound is the only Mother game ever to see an official US release. A crime if you think about it.

What would Ness do? Call his mama!
Mother 3 on the Game Boy Advance (2006)

Mother 3 has since been fan translated. To date, this has been the final game in the beloved Mother series. It’s sad that two of the games never left Japan. It’s a bit sad also that many gamers know of Ness via Super Smash Bros and not EarthBound, although his Smash outings have definitely stirred interest from people who came in knowing nothing about the Mother series. I guess that’s not a bad thing at least.

FUN EARTHBOUND CLONES

I was lucky to buy these two just months before Timewalk folded
Wacky Japanese high school + the weird west…

There are 2 SNES games I would highly recommend to EarthBound fanatics. Both of them are Super Famicom exclusives with English fan translations available. The first title is called Gunman’s Proof which is actually an action RPG along the lines of a Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. It’s got tons of charm and quirkiness and is simply a load of fun. Think Zelda meets the wild wild west with a dash of EarthBound thrown in for good measure. It’s one of the most criminally underrated SNES games out there. It’s on the short side but I can’t recommend it enough. The second is Adventures of Hourai High. Wacky and zany describes it best. It is like EarthBound meets Final Fantasy V. Taking place in a Japanese high school setting, you can join a wide variety of clubs — this is how you gain different skills. Its sense of offbeat humor is extremely reminiscent of EarthBound, and while it has its fair share of flaws, Hourai High is worth a visit.

Gunman's Proof is one of the best SNES titles that few talk about
One of the best SNES titles that few talk about

Gunman’s Proof is one of my personal favorites. I love the game’s humor, style, atmosphere and fun fast-paced gun slinging action. It’s too damn short (similar to The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang) but it’s a blast, pardon the pun, while it lasts. If you haven’t played it before, I highly suggest rectifying that.

It even apes Earthbound's font. A nice touch indeed
It even apes EarthBound‘s font. A nice touch indeed

Adventures of Hourai High is a unique RPG. You can play as a boy or girl. The dialogue is hilarious and almost as entertaining as EarthBound. Sadly, a few key flaws hamper Hourai High from being a notably nice game. The encounter rate is way too high, and there was a major screw-up: weapons and armor equipped do not change your stats. Somehow, the programmers botched this and so you only increase in stats by leveling up. In essence, you never have to buy new weapons or armor. I still recommend it to diehard EarthBound fans however, despite its glaring flaws.

Earthbound fans will appreciate Hourai High's humor
EarthBound fans will appreciate Hourai High‘s humor

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"I am. Traded in my bat for a gun and my cap for a 10 gallon hat"
“I am. Traded in my bat and cap for a 10 gallon hat”

WHAT THE CRITICS (AND YOU) SAID

Super Play Magazine loved it
Super Play Magazine loved it

EarthBound is one of those interesting and fascinating cases of a game that got its fair share of love when it came out originally. But really it wasn’t until years later that it exploded in popularity. Curiously, EGM never did review it. GameFan did, however. They gave it scores of 85, 90 and 92%. Super Play Magazine scored it 88%. In a recent poll I asked the public to rate EarthBound on a scale of 1-10. One voter gave it a 1. Another gave it a 7. A few rated it an 8, but the majority of readers voted 9. Of course, there was a healthy smattering of fans who gave it the perfect 10 out of 10 score. Pretty much what I expected — lots of 9s and 10s with one vocal minority who gave it the lowest rating possible. Oh Earthbound, truly the polarizing RPG of our time.

Few RPGs divided gamers as much as this one
Few RPGs divided opinions as much as this one
Nintendo Power ranked it 60th best game of all time
Nintendo Power ranked it #60 on its top 100 list

 CLOSING THOUGHTS

EarthBound's awesome contemporary setting helps set it apart
I’ll always stop for pizza. Damn straight, son

I didn’t play EarthBound back in the day. When I started it up in November of 2012 it was an entirely fresh experience. Therefore, zero nostalgia goggles here. Two weeks and 30 hours later, I knew I’d just played one of the most engrossing and captivating games ever. From the refreshing and comforting sights of suburbia in the early stages of the game to the more exotic locales found later on, it took me on an incredible journey of youth, bravery, loyalty and adventure. I felt like I was playing an RPG that combined Goonies, The Wonder Years, Peanuts and Dragon Quest. Not a bad little recipe! If you love RPGs and you still haven’t played this, STOP whatever you’re doing. And go rectify this matter. Now.

It takes you back to your youth
It takes you back to your youth

EarthBound perfectly captures the sheer awe of childhood, combined with a longing desire to push one’s suburban limits to the very brink. Playing the game made me feel like a kid again. Like I was back in my old hometown haunts hanging out at the arcade, going around town to the local pizza joint and flipping through the latest Goosebumps book at the library. And that’s just the beginning of the game. Soon it all transforms into something much more, as you meet new friends and unlikely allies all in the name of stopping an implacable force known only as Giygas. The game opens with our hero in bed in his striped pajamas. It seems like any other ordinary night in the ol’ neighborhood of suburbia. You are then awoken — it’s great subtle symbolism because for the first time in your young prepubescent life, you’re truly awake. The many wacky, perilous and funny events to unfold all shape this tremendous coming-of-age adventure. You leave home and like any other epic story ever told, you embark on a journey that changes you from a boy to a young man. You’ll conquer many obstacles — both external and internal. Playing EarthBound was like being in a never-ending state of reverie, and I loved every damn second of it.

Few games have left such an memorable imprint
Few games left such an imprint

There’s a certain timeless, nostalgic quality about this game. It stirs the feeling of being a kid in Anytown USA who leaves home to voyage on the adventure of a lifetime. From your local 3-story mall to far away lands exotic, mysterious and menacing, EarthBound tugs on all the right notes to create an experience like no other. The music’s an eclectic mix that’s among the best you’ll hear on the SNES. The gameplay is fairly standard, but there are some nice ideas here like instant wins and a rolling health meter. But EarthBound is so much more than this. EarthBound is, quite simply, a quintessential tale of growing up and overcoming trials in a not so perfect world. It’s light-hearted yet serious when it needs to be. The many diverse locales are great and I find the visuals to be a bit underrated. Many like to dismiss it, but I love the style and can’t imagine the game any other way. There’s a reason why EarthBound has so many fervent fans. It was a work of art that resonated with our inner child, leaving us with a lasting and memorable impression. Indeed, the tale of Ness and his friends is one that has stood the test of time. And one that I believe will continue to do so for generations to come.

Graphics: 7.5
Sound: 10
Gameplay: 9
Longevity: 9

Overall: 10

FUZZY PICKLES!

PLATINUM AWARD

The Summer of Imports

Culled from Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman
Culled from Memoirs of a Virtual Caveman

This is a story of how a best friend, one groovy dad and some enticing imports made the summer of 1994 one for the ages. As a kid, I’d always dreamt of having one perfect summer. And 22 years ago… I found it. Some summers stay with you forever. Some more than others. On any given hot, lazy June Saturday afternoon, I still can’t help but think back to that fateful day. It was a summer of discovery… a summer of magicTHE SUMMER OF IMPORTS. There’s something about summer and gaming that goes together; especially though, when we were kids. There was a magic to it.

Ahhh -- childhood summer memories
You just needed your best friend + some good games

Nothing completes a healthy childhood quite like sharing it with a best friend. While I had my legendary out-of-town gaming crew, I was fortunate enough to have a best friend outside of that group, Nelson, who lived within walking distance. We grew up together being best friends since Kindergarten. He and I were often in the same class together and we shared the same interest in just about everything. We spent a bulk of our weekends hanging out and playing games. Whenever I think back to my childhood or to the glory days of gaming, inevitably, Nelson always comes to mind.

Read more about my adventures with Nelly here
Read more about my adventures with Nelly

I’d like to take a moment to pay my respects to the memory of renting games back in the ‘90s. Every weekend my dad would take me to the local rental store(s) and I would pluck out one title to bring back home. My brother, Kevin, was too shy or embarrassed (or both) to go rent games, so he always made me his little grunt to carry out the deed. Though I was renting the games he wanted (well, at least most of the time…) there was always something magical to those pseudo-adventures my dad and I shared. It was a weekly tradition, rain or shine. Sometimes, even Nelly would join me on those renting excursions. And there was one such instance that happened 22 years ago that left an indelible mark on us, making that summer one he and I would never forget.

The year was 1994, and as the final piercing school bell of that year rang, the euphoric cries of 800 kids rang out even louder. We all knew what stood ahead: 2 and a ½ relentless months of splendid carefree summer days: no teachers, no homework, and no school to interfere with our final days of childhood. As much as I love the fall and winter seasons for Halloween and Christmas, there is nothing… and I mean NOTHING… like summer time, especially when you had a best friend like Nelson to share it with. He and I had just finished the 5th grade together. It was the best year of my childhood. My best friend was in my class; we had Mr. G, the best teacher ever; we had the two hottest girls in our class, Elaine and Jennifer, and Nelson and I were simply at the top of our game. We were 10 years old, going on 11 that summer. We had come of age, and that summer was one for the ages.

Nelson rode his bike over the very first Saturday morning of that summer and my dad drove us to Game Hunter. Game Hunter was a legendary privately owned video game rental store. It was renowned in my neck of the woods for catering to the diehard gamer. Game Hunter didn’t bother to waste time with movies. It had every video gaming system library under the sun from the 8-bit Nintendo to the Neo Geo. Being able to actually touch and pick up those classic bulky Neo Geo boxes was incredible. Game Hunter even housed an arcade machine or two, plus they had a small anime section. How many stores could claim that?! Simply put, Game Hunter was a little slice of gaming paradise.

Imports as far as the eye could see
Imports as far as the eye could see

But, what made them stand out was their unforgettable import selection. Back then, imports symbolized a whole lot more than merely just the Japanese version of a game. Indeed, back then, imports held a certain aura of mystique to them, especially when you read all the little blurbs on those games in Electronic Gaming Monthly and DieHard GameFan on a monthly basis, realizing that they were an ocean away and that you would never even so much as sniff one. Seeing a wall covered by hundreds of Super Famicom boxes never failed to amaze my little ten year old eyes. They sat on the very top shelf, purposely out of reach. It was symbolic, even. They would cover the entire upper wall from left to right. You were completely mesmerized as your eyeballs darted from one treasure to another. It was a never-ending parade of divine, exotic esctasy. These were games that were either Japanese exclusives, or Japanese versions of games that were set to hit American soil a month or two later. It was nothing short of magical, and a time in my life that I’ll always cherish.

*** FLASH BACK TO LATE 1992 ***

The import that started the whole craze
The import that started the whole craze

Game Hunter’s origins began innocently enough on what appeared to be just another ordinary Saturday morning. But as fate would have it, this particular Saturday morning was anything but. My dad and I were set to embark on our latest renting escapade together. But first we had to stop by my cousin’s house which was a good 15 minutes away. After that my dad needed to run an errand at the local drug store a block from my cousin’s house. I didn’t mind as I always enjoyed being out with my dad, especially after a long school week. Little did I know that fateful morning I would stumble upon GAME HUNTER. The store was decked out from top to bottom with video games from every system imaginable. You had the 8-bit Nintendo, Neo Geo, handheld games and everything else under the sun. I wasn’t a religious kid but I’m pretty sure I thanked God right then and there.

Power Moves (U)_00003

I made my way over to the SNES section looking for my brother’s requested title of choice. When I happened to gaze up, I discovered the upper shelf teeming with hypnotic Super Famicom imports. At that point, all bets were off as I had officially gone rogue. Sorry, Kevin. Power Athlete caught my eye. My dad lifted it off the top shelf and I examined the back of the box. It was a Street Fighter II clone. Sold! My dad obliged and that day I came home with the Japanese version of Power Moves. My brother flipped out because A). I disobeyed him and B). we found out that it didn’t even play on our Super Nintendo; it refused to fit inside the cartridge slot. I had never seen my brother so damn angry before. I promptly called Game Hunter to let them know of my plight, and they explained how I had to rent the device that allows one to play import games on an American SNES. Yeah thanks guy, you could have warned me about that before I left. Yeah, let’s just say Game Hunter was never known for their stellar customer service. But, much like how one goes to Five Guys for greasy goodness, we went to Game Hunter for their legendary and vast gaming library. After all, nobody goes to a concert for meditation.

"CYBORGS AIN'T LADIES!"
“CYBORGS AIN’T LADIES!”

Luckily, they still had one in stock and said they would hold it for me. So, being the great father that my old man was, we traveled back to Game Hunter to pick it up. This time, even my brother came along as he himself wanted to come see this new store that I’d hyped to the moon. Once there, our pops rented the special converter adapter for a dollar while Kevin and I stood there gawking at the import selection. The very next week, he and I went back and we picked up our 2nd import game, The Combatribes. We had fun terminating Martha Splatterhead and her sleazy gangs. Game Hunter became our new favorite store. It was revered within my gaming circle for damn good reason.

*** BACK TO JUNE 1994 ***

It was like witnessing the Holy Grail
It was like witnessing the Holy Grail

There Nelson and I stood, eyes popping, drool coming down the side of our mouths. On the very top shelf sat the Super Famicom ports of Fighter’s History, King of the Monsters 2 and Saturday Night Slam Masters (Japanese name Muscle Bomber). These were 3 arcade-to-SNES conversions that Nelson and I were dying to play! And on that idyllic June Saturday morning there they stood right before our very eyes. Their US counterparts were still weeks, even months away! After a brief moment of dead silence, Nelson and I looked at each other in astonishment. And just like how it was over a year ago when I first saw Power Athlete, at that precise moment in time I’d forgotten whatever game my brother wanted me to rent. Once more, I had gone rogue.

Who didn't want to use Karnov in a fighting game?
Who didn’t want to use Karnov in a fighting game?

The only “dilemma” was picking which one of those three games to rent. The indispensable thing about having your best friend along with you meant he could rent one and you could rent one. Nelson was adamant on choosing Fighter’s History, the infamous Street Fighter II clone that Capcom even attempted to sue. I was plenty happy about that as I loved Fighter’s History in the arcades and was long anticipating the SNES port. I always felt the game was a bit underrated. Good pick Nelly! Now it was my turn. King of the Monsters 2 or Muscle Bomber?

Who didn't want to use Haggar in a wrestling game?
Who didn’t want to use Haggar in a wrestling game?

I had played Saturday Night Slam Masters a good bit in the arcades. I adored Capcom’s representation of the zany pro wrestling world cranked to the 10th degree, thanks to Slam Masters’ comic book-like violence and über-wacky wrestlers that were even MORE outrageous than those found in the WWF. After all, few things can rival spewing venomous mist into someone’s eyes, or piledrivering bastards into oblivion all over the globe with Metro City’s mayor! It was a tough call at first, but then I remembered something…

Time to put my great white whale to rest!
Time to put my great white whale to rest!

King of the Monsters 2 and I were like two SHIPS PASSING IN THE NIGHT. Somehow, we always missed one another. I never played the arcade once. As a staunch supporter of the original, I was dying to FINALLY play the sequel. From 1992 to 1994, finding a King of the Monsters 2 arcade became my white whale, so to speak. None of the local arcades had it for whatever reason. And the one time that I did find it, it was at an arcade hall 2 hours away from home, but of course the machine was broken. That sums it up perfectly. It was that one game that somehow always managed to elude me. Standing there with a choice between Saturday Night Slam Masters or my great white whale, King of the Monsters 2, it dawned on me suddenly which one I was going to pick.

As Nelson and I rode home in the backseat talking excitedly about our import finds, it dawned on me that I soon had to face the music. The last time I went rogue and rebelled against my brother he did everything but tear up the house. But I figured with Nelson by my side, maybe Kevin would be less demonstrative. After all, in public or whenever there were guests, Kevin had no choice but to uphold a certain degree of decorum. Nelson knew this even without my having to ask him for backup. That’s how close we were. Like I said at the beginning, nothing completes a healthy childhood quite like having a best friend support you through thick and thin. He gave me a nod as my dad pulled into the driveway; I knew he had my back. The moment of truth had arrived. My dad went inside the house as Nelly and I stood there on the driveway — import games in hand.

We were delaying the inevitable. But there’s a reason they call it the inevitable.

“Did you get it??” my brother asked excitedly as he came to the door a minute later.

“Uhhh, no. But I got this,” I stammered, handing the game over to him as if it were an adequate consolation prize. It wasn’t.

King of the Monsters 2?!” A mixture of shock and disgust filled his voice. “Was my game there for rent or not?” His eyes, which had turned into burning coal, burrowed its way deep in my soul.

The infamous scene of the crime
The infamous scene of the crime

I could easily have lied, “No, your game was rented out.” But I was a straight shooter. In hindsight… maybe I was being foolish. But I had made my choice to disobey my brother. The least I could do was be honest about it. When I told him I forgot to look for his title once Nelson and I caught sight of the imports, my brother lost control. The scary thing was all this happened even in front of Nelson. I can only imagine how much crazier it would have been without Nelson there next to me. My brother flipped out, stomping and screaming expletives like a drunken sailor. Then he ran to my room, sprinted back and threw my Crash Dummy break-apart plush buddy, Spin, out the door. It smacked me in the face with such velocity that the head flew off its shoulders. Thank goodness it was just plush! Nelly retrieved the head which had rolled onto my front lawn and placed it back on Spin’s headless Velcro neck. You would have thought that I killed my brother’s puppy or something. He stormed off, leaving the door open. You know those parts in action movies where the guy says, “Don’t you think this is a trap?” Yeah. I took one glance inside and then back at Nelson. Once again, without even having to say a word, he knew. Just to confirm, he said, “Um… let’s go back to my place for a while…”

Thank God it was plush
Thank God it was plush

Shoot, you don’t gotta tell me twice! I fled the crime scene faster than OJ Simpson.

Walking back to Nelly's house
Walking back to Nelly’s house

And so it was. On the first Saturday afternoon of my last carefree childhood summer, I found myself walking with Nelly to his house. He clutched his copy of Fighter’s History while I held King of the Monsters 2, along with my Crash Dummy action buddy, Spin. I’m sure we were a sight for sore eyes. As soon as we got out of viewing distance, Nelson started trash talking my bro. One might think I would happily join in to pile on, but no. Like a battered victim of Stockholm syndrome, I actually defended my brother a little bit. Hey, blood is blood, no? Sure my bro could be a little rough around the edges, and there were plenty of times where I wished he could have been more quixtoic and slow to anger, but you don’t get to choose family. I mean, sure, he could snap every once in a while, but he wasn’t a bad guy, or a psycho or anything. Nelson couldn’t believe I was defending Kevin. Finally the matter was dropped as his house came into view. Suddenly, the excitement of our import snags revived us. We were about to play two arcade conversions not anyone else in the entire town had, so that made us, as far as we were concerned, the two luckiest sumbitches that weekend  ^_^

There are some gaming images you'll never forget
There are some gaming images you’ll never forget

We wasted no time firing up Nelly’s Super Nintendo. We threw in Fighter’s History first and took turns wasting the computer opponents. We were both impressed by how faithful it was to the arcade original. There was a simplicity to the game that Nelson and I found to be charming. To this day I can’t play Fighter’s History without remembering that fateful Saturday afternoon at Nelly’s. It was so hot that we propped open the living room windows and left the front door wide open. Lee’s stage is SEARED into my retina. That peaceful and calm lake, the family of ducks nibbling away, a fisherman enjoying the great outdoors with his line dipped lazily in the water, and those picture-esque moss-covered hills in the background. Finally, a formation of clouds move their way through the sky in a very haunting and majestic manner. This bucolic stage SCREAMS June 1994 to me. It’s an incredibly nostalgic sight and anytime I see it, I’m transported right back to Nelson’s living room 22 years ago. This stage perfectly captures that whole time frame for me. One look and it feels like I’m 10 hanging out with my best friend on a hot June Saturday afternoon all over again.

KOTM2AGS

Then we swapped it out for King of the Monsters 2. He chose Cyber Woo (the King Kong doppelgänger) and I picked Super Geon (the Godzilla lookalike). We waded our way through the various cities demolishing everything in sight. Beating all the bosses 2-on-1 handicap style made for mindless monster mash ‘em up fun. Finally, after several hours of switching between the two games, late afternoon descended upon us and we agreed that maybe Kevin had cool down by now. Nelson headed back with me. We couldn’t hide out at Nelly’s forever. The only question left… was Kevin still pissed?

It was the longest walk of my life
It was the longest walk of my life
I was SHOCKED to my bone all right...
I was SHOCKED to my bone all right…

I found out that day that miracles exist when Kevin no longer wanted to kill me. Instead, he wanted to kill giant alien monsters from outer space. It’s funny how we each had our own pet favorite. Nelson liked Cyber Woo, I dug Super Geon and my brother was all about Atomic Guy. The three of us rotated turns and passed off the controller whenever one of us died. On some stages it was Kevin and me. At other times it was Nelly and me. There was even Kevin and Nelson. Seeing them laughing together as they trashed the Grand Canyon was pretty cool. A few hours ago no one could have predicted this outcome. Now watching the two of them working together as one cohesive unit, you never would have thought there was any kind of beef there. It was poetic, even. And of all the gaming memories I harbor, that one remains, still to this day, one of the sweetest ones. It’s a reminder of how gaming has a strange way of bringing people together.

Saturday night's alright for fighting
Saturday night’s alright for fighting

The three of us played King of the Monsters 2 and Fighter’s History to death that unforgettable weekend, before returning them both late on Sunday evening. I told my brother we also saw Saturday Night Slam Masters. He grew pale at the mention, being a Slam Masters fanatic. We’d played it tons in the arcade. He ordered me to go rent it the next weekend. This time in particular, I was more than happy to carry out his command. No fat chance of me going rogue, as Slam Masters was also right up my alley with its outlandishly wacky wrestlers and frenetic 4-player mayhem. Giant foam fingers, flashing cameras, comic book moves come to life, and Mike F’N Haggar, made Saturday Night Slam Masters or in this case, Muscle Bomber, one fantastic brawl-for-all.

A SPECIAL GAME HUNTER EULOGY

In Loving Memory of Game Hunter
In Loving Memory of GAME HUNTER

Game Hunter eventually closed shop in the late ’90s as rental stores started to become more and more a thing of the past — they were fast going the way of the dinosaur. While their service wasn’t always top-notch, I’ll always remember them fondly for their import selection. Game Hunter arrived during a precious period of my childhood, and at a special time in gaming when renting games blindly and taking weekend trips with your old man was all part of the magic and wonder of the hobby. Sometimes the game you wanted was rented out at the first two or three rental stores, so you had to go to your 4th or 5th option around town to find it.. It just meant more hunting and more quality time spent with your old man. I’ll never forget those days when my dad and I would hit up all the rental stores every Saturday afternoon, rain or shine. They symbolized a simpler time in my life. A time where bills, junk emails and clogged six-lane highways didn’t yet exist. The renting relics of my youth were more than just brick and mortar. They are deeply embedded in what made gaming as a child so magical and wondrous. I’m so thankful I was able to enjoy it with a best pal like Nelson.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

It was a howling good time
It was a howling good time

The summer of 1994 was memorable for many reasons. It’s hard to believe those halcyon days are over twenty years old now. I credit Game Hunter, the Super Nintendo and Nelson for helping to create so many fond memories. It was in large part thanks to those three that made summer of ’94, the last carefree summer of my childhood, bar none, the best one I had as a kid.

Jesse’s Girl

Where can I find a woman like that?
Where can I find a woman like THAT?

“Women.

You can’t live with them.

And you can’t live without them.”

Throughout the course of history, man has always been mystified, befuddled and captivated by the female race. Whether it was your first serious crush in the 5th grade or “the one you let get away,” since the dawn of civilization men have longed to find the right partner. For some it comes easier than others. Regardless, safe to say many of us will agree that we’ve all experienced some type of heartbreak and success along the way. Some have already found “true love.” Others are still searching. The rest simply may not (yet) care.

Whichever end of the spectrum you fall under, you have to admit, the relationship dynamics between man and woman is a timeless tale, almost akin to that of good vs. evil (and Lord knows which one we are). Tonight, I’m proud to present to you a great story of man and woman. From the days of when cavemen threw down to prove their love and gain the affection of fair Ms. Cave Lady, when it comes to love, all bets are off. Maybe gloves, too. Sometimes, you can’t even trust your own friends…

But does love really, truly conquer in the end?

IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT

Growing up in the late ’80s to mid ’90s was a glorious time. Among awesome Saturday morning cartoons and toys, you had the 8-bit NES phenomenon, the epic 16-bit rivalry, the 2D Fighting Game Golden Age, the DooM era, Nickelodeon, Hulkamania, Michael Jordan, and so on. Of course, such a list would be incomplete without mentioning those four magical letters…

What is this, 2004?
What is this, 2004? Try again
Tsk tsk...
Tsk tsk…

C’mon, think back some 25 years… what ruled Friday nights?

"YOU GOT IT, DUDE!"
“YOU GOT IT, DUDE!”

TGIF exploded onto the scene in the late ’80s and enjoyed many successful years of high viewership. My favorite lineup? Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers and Step By Step. Just two straight hours of enjoyable family programming. There was nothing like dashing out of school every Friday afternoon, beating the record you set the previous Friday, hanging out at your best friend’s house (or vice versa), playing video games galore and then at 8 plunking your little hiney right in front of the tube. You knew for the next two hours you were set for a night of good laughs and cheers. What a terrific way to ring in the weekend! Oh kids today don’t know what they’re missing…

Uncle Jesse was the best
Uncle Jesse was the best

My favorite show from the TGIF lineup was a dead tie between Full House and Family Matters. During Full House‘s infancy, the show had six characters: Danny was the father of DJ, Steph and Michelle Tanner. His wife Pam sadly passed away. To help Danny raise the three girls you have Danny’s brother-in-law (Pam’s brother), Uncle Jesse, and Danny’s best pal, Joey. Shenanigans and sappy pep talks ensued. It’s corny but to me that was part of its charm.

Tonight, I pay tribute to my favorite episode from one of my all-time favorite shows.

It’s got the lot, this one:

  • Thunderstorm
  • Flashbacks
  • Pink bunnies
  • Mr. Potato Head
  • Abe Lincoln on a stick
  • Bob Saget

Oh yeah [Sounds a bit dodgy… -Ed.]

So go ahead — don your fanny pack and throw on a snap bracelet — because we’re about to wind up the wayback machine and pay a visit to simpler times.

WHERE WE’RE GOING TONIGHT, BABY, WE DON’T NEED ROADS!

Enjoy. And of course, we gotta start with the Full House intro, no?

JESSE’S GIRL (original air date: November 6, 1987)

JessGirl

JessGirl2

JessGirl3

JessGirl4

JessGirl5

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
"Joey! What's going on down here? What's with all the screaming?"
“What’s going on down here? What’s with all the screaming?”
"Danny, this psycho was about to mash my potato"
“Danny, this psycho was about to mash my potato”

JessGirl9

“I WAS NOT — I heard a noise down here; I thought it was a prowler.”

“Liar.”

“SHHH! Follow me, I think it’s over here…”

“Hello..”

“AHHHH!”

"Don't EVER say hello to your father like that again"
“Don’t EVER say hello to your dad like that again”
"Do you guys play baseball every night after we go to sleep?"
“Do you guys play baseball every night after we go to sleep?”

JessGirl12

“Well actually girls, um, your uncle Jesse’s holding a bat because he’s a WEE bit miffed at me.”

“A WEE bit miffed?? I’m miffed off! When I think about what you did to me…”

“Come on Jesse! Let’s let bygones be bygones…”

“Alright — bye, YER GONE.

JessGirl13

“I don’t know what’s going on here, but why don’t you guys just STOP this and… give each other a hug.”

JessGirl14

"..... a hi-five?"
“… a hi-five?”

JessGirl16

“I’m not in the mood. You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s all because of a little story entitled Mean Mr. Joey Stabs Sweet Innocent Uncle Jesse In The Back.”

"STORY TIME!"  "YEAH!!!"
“STORY TIME!”   “YEAH!!!”

“Girls, you don’t want to hear Mean Mr. Joey Stabs Sweet Innocent Uncle Jesse In The Back, do you?”

“Yeah, it’s got a great title!”

“All right, one quick story but DON’T even think of staying up to watch Letterman. This better be PG.”

“It all started last week. The exterminator business was slow so I decided to start teaching guitar. I was waiting for my new student to show up…”

JessGirl18

“She’s a laaaaay-deeeee. Sh — no, she’s a wooomb-maaan. *pause* She’s a moo-chaaaaa-chaaaa. … Maybe she’s a man.”

“Uncle Jesse, there’s a girl here to see you. This one’s GREAT.”

“Oh, that must be my new guitar student.”

“Yeah, RIGHT… come on in!”

"Hi"
“Hi”
*GUITAR RIFF*
*GUITAR RIFF*

JessGirl21

“I’m Corina Spicer.”

“I’m Jesse Cochran.”

“… I’m outta here!”

“Corina… that’s a real pretty name… SO! Welcome to the Jesse Cochran School of Music. I’ll take this for ya.” *takes guitar*

JessGirl22

“Interesting decor… I don’t meet a lot of men with pink little bunnies on their walls.”

“I’m also a mouseketeer.”

“I like that in a man.”

“Good! Cause today is ‘Anything Can Happen’ day…”

"Here, take a seat. Why! Because we like you! Ha, I kill myself..."
“Here, take a seat. Why! Because we like you! Ha, I kill myself”

JessGirl24

“Jesse, I have to warn you. I have absolutely NO musical experience. I teach 2nd grade and I wanna accompany my kids in sing-alongs.”

"That's wonderful, you get to work with children. I LOVE YOUNGSTERS!"
“That’s wonderful, you get to work with children. I LOVE YOUNGSTERS!”
"Uncle Jesse!!"
“Uncle Jesse!!”
"NOT NOW!"
“NOT NOW!”
"AW." "AWWWW!  Poor Mister Teddy"
“Aw.”   “AWWWW! Poor Mister Teddy”

JessGirl29

“I tell you what, as soon as we’re done, I’ll help you sew Mr. Teddy’s head right back on Mr. Teddy’s body.”

"OK honey bunch sugar pie?"
“OK honey bunch sugar pie?”
JessGirl31
“Honey bunch? SUGAR PIE?! THIS IS WEIRD”

*Corina giggles*

“Yer pretty — WATCH HIM!

“Haha, my little niece, I could just eat her up… OK, back to music.”

After the lesson I invited Corina out for a little ride on my motorcycle. Seven hours later…

JessGirl32
*Jesse and Corina enters laughing*

“You wanna stay and have a drink?”

“Oh I really can’t, I got other plans but thank you for a GREAT day. Guitar lessons, a picnic by the bay, candlelight dinner in the wine country. You do this for ALL your students?”

"Well that was the deluxe lesson. That'll be four hundred seventy-five dollas!"
“Well that was the deluxe lesson. That’ll be four hundred seventy-five dollars!”

“Your check’s in the mail.”

“Alright.”

“I’ll see you next lesson, Wednesday night.”

“OK… Corina, I had a really nice time today.”

JessGirl34

"EWWWWW!"
“EWWWWW!”

“Those are my nieces.”

“Heh… bye Jesse.”

“Bye Corina…”   *closes door*   “HAVE MERCY!

"Don't ever ooooh when your uncle's kissing"
“Don’t ever ooooh when your uncle’s kissing”
"Joey, this was actually cleaner when the food was cooking in it"
“Joey, this was actually cleaner when the food was cooking in it”
JessGirl38
“Jesse, we saved you some chili”

“Not hungry.”

“Oh brother, not again.”

Ohh-kaaay, what’s her name?”

“Corina.”

"KOR-REEN-NA?!  Don't you ever meet a Debbie, or a Susie?"
“KOR-REEN-NA?! Don’t you ever meet a Debbie, or a Susie?”

“OK fine, you guys crack all the jokes you want. But I’m tellin’ ya, when our eyes met, there was magic.”

JessGirl40

“With you there’s always magic. You should wear a top hat and pull white doves out of your pants.”

“Fine, fine.”

JessGirl41

“In Jesse’s defense, when it comes to love, I think anything is possible. I felt the same instant magic when I met Pam. She walked into my tenth grade geometry class, sat down right next to me and I said (speaks in high pitched voice), ‘Hi, can I borrow your slide rule?'”

“You didn’t reach puberty by the tenth grade?”

“Not ’til I met Pam. But the next morning, I woke up with a mustache.”

"I'm sorry, no sale, boys. Love just does NOT happen that fast"
“I’m sorry, no sale, boys. Love just does NOT happen that fast”

JessGirl43

“Hey guys, you know how I know it’s real? I can’t stop smiling. I’m just smiling away like I’m Nancy Reagan… I just can’t stop smiling…”

"I STOPPED. Thanks to him. But Corina and I were madly in love"
“I STOPPED. Thanks to him. But Corina and I were madly in love”
"We did see them kissing.... EWWWWW!"
“We did see them kissing… EWWWWW!”

“Jesse, please stop making out in front of my kids.”

"Mr. Backstabber, why don't you tell everybody what YOU did today"
“Mr. Backstabber, why don’t you tell everybody what YOU did today”
"Well, I woke up, turned off the alarm, did that stretching thing -- "
“Well, I woke up, turned off the alarm, did that stretching thing — “

“NOT THE STRETCHING THING, THE BACKSTABBING THING!”

“Hey could you pick up the pace a little bit? I’d like to get the girls to bed before Good Morning, America.”

“Well, it was stormy, and me, Danny and the girls were getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz…”

“Here we goooo! Popcorn du jour, all in honor of Stephanie’s first viewing of The Wizard of Oz.”

“I’m psyched!”

JessGirl48

“You should be, honey, it’s the sweetest little movie. There’s this pretty girl Dorothy, and she’s got this adorable dog, Toto, who gets… kidnapped by this horrible witch… but she gets her dog back and her house flies through the air and then… it, it lands on this… other horrible witch… whose feet curl up like party favors.

*ding dong*

Trust me honey, it’s the sweetest little movie.”

JessGirl49

“Hi, I’m Joey, can I help you please?”

“I’m here to see Jesse.”

“Aren’t they all?”

“I’m Corina Spicer. I have a guitar lesson.”

“Oh, uh Jesse called to say he’s running a little bit late. Would you like to watch The Wizard of Oz with us?”

“Oh that’s my favorite movie.”

“Oh mine too. Come on in. Uh Corina this is Danny, Stephanie, DJ and Michelle. Corina.”

“Hi!”

“Oh dad something happened to the TV. It’s snowing in Kansas.”

“The cable goes out every time there’s a storm.”

“Fix it!”

“Steph, this is not something I can fix.”

“Fix it!”

“Steph, I’m gonna call the cable company.”

“You’ll get a BUSY signal. FIX IT!

"Why wasn't I born a cable repair man?!"
“Why wasn’t I born a cable repair man?!”

“Hey no problem. I do that Wizard of Oz bit in my act.”

SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING, I’m very upset!”

“OK everyone, gather around for The Wizard of Oz. Grab a seat right in front. Here we go!”

"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
“AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

JessGirl52

“Oooh, sure is scary around these parts. There’s probably lions and tigers and bears oh my. C’mon you guys. Lions and tigers and bears oh my! LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS OH MY!!

JessGirl53

“RRRRRRRRAAAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH-HAAAH! PUT ‘EM UP PUT ‘EM UP! IF I… WERE THE KING… OF A FOOOORRRRREST… HA-HA-HA!”

JessGirl54

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!"
“I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!”

“I’m melting… melting… I feel like… butter!

JessGirl56

“If Oz had the power to get back to Kansas, just click your heels together three times and say, There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

*makes tornado sound*  “Dorothy, wake up, your tea’s finished.”

*applause*

“Well, what did you think?”

“FIX IT!”

“Oh Joey, I loved it!”

“Yeah. That was incredible simulation. I hope you don’t feel bad when I rent the tape tomorrow. OK girls, come on, it’s time to get into your pajamas and ready for bed.”

“AWWWWWWWW!”

“This should only take… five or six hours… good night!”

JessGirl57

“Aww, great kids.”

“Yeah they’re the greatest kids in the history of kids.”

“I love how children are SO open and natural. I think that’s why I went into teaching.”

JessGirl58
“That’s why I refuse to grow up”

“Ohhh, you seem pretty grown up to me.”

“Haha, who, me? The guy who keeps Abe Lincoln on a stick in his bedroom?”

JessGirl59

“Joey, you are SO funny. I think that a sense of uh, humor is a very sexy quality in a man. Your girlfriend must adore you.”

“Oh, I — I don’t have a girlfriend.”

You’re not seeing anybody?”

Well sort of. I’m seeing the dentist next Wednesday.”

JessGirl60

Well, if things don’t work out between you and the dentist, maaaaybeeee… you and I could get together.”

JessGirl61

“Well, Dr. Hoffman is pretty cute, but he is married. So uh, pick a time.”

“How about right after my guitar lesson with Jesse?”

JessGirl62

“Jesse… Corina… JESSE YEAH! Ah ha, yeah, uhhh, excuse me, I’m gonna go check on something in the kitchen…”

JessGirl63
“Can I give you a hand?”

“Uhhhh, no, I’m doing fine.”

"What exactly are you checking on?"
“What exactly are you checking on?”
"Oh, I'm just doing some uh.... RANDOM.... checking"
“Oh, I’m just doing some uh… RANDOM… checking”
"Salt, pepper, DUCK, stove..."
“Salt, pepper, DUCK, stove…”
"... sink, faucet, Jesse's Girl... well, everything checks out"
“… sink, faucet, Jesse’s Girl. Well, everything checks out”

JessGirl68

“You know, he’s really crazy about you.”

“Yeah, well Jesse’s really a terrific guy. I mean, we had a really nice day together. But to be honest, there was really nothing special between us.”

“That’s not exactly how Jesse puts it. And if there’s one thing in life that’s sacred, you never mess with a buddy’s girl.”

JessGirl69

“But I’m NOT his girl. All Jesse and I had between us was one little innocent kiss good-bye. It was nothing really… it, it was one of these.”

*quick peck*

JessGirl70

“Oh, that right there, that was nothing…”

“It’s how I kiss my grandmother.”

“You must be very close.”

“It was like four lips shaking hands. Look, I think we can try again…”

Audience: "OH SNAPS!"
Audience: “OH SNAPS!”
"Oh good, you're home"
“Oh good, you’re home”
*dramatic music, fade to commercial*
*dramatic music, fade to commercial*
And now, a word from our sponsors!
And now, a word from our sponsors!

Yeah, like you were for Fuller House...
Yeah, like you were for Fuller House

JessGirl76

“So, where was I?”

“I came in and found you kissing the woman of my dreams.”

“Oh yeah… good memory.”

JessGirl77

“So there we were. Jesse had walked in to find me kissing the woman of his dreams.”

"Oh good, you're home"
“Oh good, you’re home”
"The hell's going on here?"
“The hell’s going on here?”

JessGirl80

“Well Jesse, actually, it’s, it’s very simple. Um, Corina was choking on some bad cheese, so I initiated a Heimlich maneuver…

JessGirl81

… And when that didn’t work, I tried to suck out the cheese… using the HOOVER maneuver!”

Sooo, you weren't kissing, you were SEARCHING for cheese?"
“Sooo, you weren’t kissing, you were SEARCHING for cheese?”

“… You look upset.”

“OH why would I be upset? You saving the life of someone who’s very special to me.”

JessGirl83
“Jesse — “

“Uh Corina please. I’m not really in the mood to give a guitar lesson tonight. Besides, you’re probably still reeling from that near-death-by-cheese, why don’t you go home and practice.”

JessGirl84

“Jesse wait a minute. There’s something I have to say… Corina really wasn’t choking on any bad cheese.”

"NOOOOOO..."
“NOOOOOO…”
"We were kissing"
“We were kissing”
"NOOOOOO..."
“NOOOOOO…”

JessGirl88

“Corina, Joey and I should probably, uh, have a word together alone…”

“Look, I’m really sorry if there’s any sort of misunderstanding. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.”

JessGirl89

“Oh, there won’t be any trouble. Jesse and I are very close friends. We’ll have a heart-to-heart, and work this thing out in a very calm, adult, rational manner.”

JessGirl90

JessGirl91

JessGirl92

"FREEZE!  I have a baby and I know how to use it!"
“FREEZE! I have a baby and I know how to use it!”

JessGirl94

“JOEY…”

“I’m warning you, she’s loaded!”

PUT THE BABY DOWN.

“Not a chance.”

JessGirl95

“OK… OK fine, I’ll wait. You gotta put the kid down some time. Two three days that diaper’s gonna weigh five to six hundred pounds!”

JessGirl96

“Jesse, I’m REALLY sorry. I should have stopped everything cold before anything happened. I should have talked to you.”

“Really…”

“Yeah, you were right. I felt this instant magic and I fell in love with her.”

JessGirl97

YOU fell in love with her… you CAN’T fall in love with her, man. I fell in love with her FIRST!

“I’m sorry, but she likes me more.”

“How can she like YOU more than she likes ME!

JessGirl98

“Boys… stop this. Michelle has enough love for ALL of us. Don’t make her choose. Now both of you, give her a kiss. Go ahead, give her a kiss.”

JessGirl99

JessGirl100

“So now a second woman had come between us. I wanted to talk things out but Jesse said he couldn’t stand to look at me. Apparently, a Louisville Slugger puts him in the mood for a conversation.”

“I told ya — I heard a noise. I wasn’t gonna bat ya.”

JessGirl101

“Alright girls, it’s time to go to sleep. Your uncle Jesse and Joey have told you such a WONDERFUL bedtime story. I’m sure you’ll have visions of jealous little sugar plums dancing in your heads.”

"But wait a minute! How does the story end?"
“But wait a minute! How does the story end?”

JessGirl103

“Well Joey’s guilt drives him TOTALLY insane, BUT NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE.”

JessGirl104
“I don’t think so. Who gets the girl?”

“It’s a WHOLE different world the second we go to sleep.”

“Good night, girls.”

“Good night, Dad.”

JessGirl105

“Guys, come here.”

“What do you want now?”

“Before you guys duel to the death, let’s have one more conversation to work this out.”

JessGirl106

“Not with this scum.”

“OK then just talk to me. Let me ask you boys a question, or two, about your beloved Corina. What are the things she cares about most in the world?”

JessGirl107

“What does she look for in a relationship with a man?”

JessGirl108

“Let’s try this one: what color are her eyes?”

JessGirl109

“Hazel!”

“Green!”

“Green hazel, hazel green…”

"They have white around the edges I think"
“They have white around the edges I think”
"Anyone know her last name?"
“Anyone know her last name?”
"SPICER!"
“SPICER!”

JessGirl113

“Pat Sajak knows more about his contestants. You know, I DON’T THINK you fell in love with Corina. THAT TAKES TIME. I think maybe… you fell in love with being in love. Am I right, Jesse?”

*cue sappy music*
*cue sappy music*

“I DO seem to fall in love a lot. Just because I’m ALWAYS HOPING that this is THE ONE. I just want to meet one nice special girl I can spend my life with.”

"Aww Jesse, everybody WANTS THAT"
“Aww Jesse, everybody WANTS THAT”

JessGirl116

“But you don’t have to try so hard. When the right woman comes along, you really will know it.”

JessGirl117

“I coulda sworn Corina was it. Maybe I did go a little overboard. I guess I was just shocked that she liked me as much as I liked her.”

"Why you shocked? Have a little faith in yourself you're a good guy"
“Why you shocked? Have a little faith in yourself you’re a good guy”

JessGirl119

“As much as I hate to admit it, it seems like Corina likes you more than she likes me… GOD, I hate to admit it! Alright, you’re not scum.”

“I know that comes from your heart, Jess.”

“That was ALMOST semi-touching.”

*rustling noise from outside*

“You hear that noise?! I told you something’s out here!”

JessGirl120

“Hi.”

“Corina! What are you doing here? Come in.”

“I really felt terrible about tonight and I came back to apologize. But then I heard chatting so I started to go home. Then I felt EVEN worse so I decided to come back! … Look, you both are GREAT GUYS and I would HATE to do anything to mess up your friendship. I’m really sorry. OK, now I’m gonna go home, AGAIN, good bye!”

"Corina wait..
“Corina, wait…

… I may have met you first but I… think we all know who belongs together here.  Why don’t you take some time and get to know Joey. He’s a good guy. He’s got pajama problems but…”

JessGirl123

“I LOVE THIS GUY!”

“Hug her, NOT ME, ya big dummy!”

“Sorry.”

JessGirl124

“C’mon Jesse let’s leave these two alone. By the way, what were you REALLY gonna do with the bat?”

“I was gonna kill him.”

“That’s what I woulda done.”

JessGirl125

"EWWWWWWWWW!"
“EWWWWWWWWW!”
"Good night, girls"
“Good night, girls”

JessGirl128

“Good niiight!”

“Good night, girls.”

“GOOD NIIIGHT!”

JessGirl129

EPILOGUE

I fell in love with this episode during my Spring Break of 2005. It was 2 AM, I couldn’t sleep and so I flipped on the TV. The stormy beginning set the mood right. The episode hit close to home — at that time I got out of a relationship with a girl who I thought was the one, but wasn’t. It wasn’t the prettiest of breakups, and people got hurt. But that’s love for ya. Or at least the search for love, anyhow. As Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years once put it eloquently:

  • “All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… who might be searching for us.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Earlier this year (February 2016), Full House received a revival on Netflix. It was hugely popular, and a Season 2 was quickly announced. It’s a fun little twist on the old formula. Now DJ is the widow, with three boys, and Stephanie and Kimmy play the roles of female Uncle Jesse and Joey. It is a bit corny, but hey, so too was the original. I enjoyed Fuller House.

That living room brings back so many memories
That living room brings back so many memories

By the way, the name of the episode “Jesse’s Girl” was inspired by the infamous ’80s song Jessie’s Girl (Rick Springfield). Here’s the music video:

And here’s a fun/interesting remake of the song, performed by Frickin’ A. Look for the Rick Springfield cameo!

Finally, oddly enough, the character Corina Spicer (Elizabeth Keifer) was a one hit wonder (it was her one and only episode, talk about continuity). Poor Joey, eh? Meanwhile, Jesse went on to indeed find that “one nice special girl to spend the rest of his life with.” (Shout out to Lori Loughlin AKA Becky).

Talk about putting the spice in Spicer. Joey, how could ya let this one get away?

JessGirl131JessGirl130

 

Battle Cross (SFC)

Pub: Imagineer | Dev: A-Max | 12.9.94 | 8 MEGS

In the early-mid ’90s, few games matched the fun that Super Bomberman and Super Mario Kart provided. Ever wonder if someone was keen enough to sort of combine the two? A-Max did, at least, to some degree. Battle Cross is a 6-player single screen racer. It does an admirable job of cramming bits and pieces of Bomberman and Mario Kart. The air-bike is easy to control. Once you get in the zone, you’ll be screaming past tight corners, blowing up the competition, and scorching toward the finish line with dazzling flamboyance unseen since the glory days of Babylon.

Naturally, there are weapons and power-ups randomly strewn across the course at any given time. Nothing beats dropping a land mine under a hidden overpass… *evil grin*

Speaking of which, let’s take a look.

WEAPONS AND POWER-UPS (HOW TO EMPLOY)

  • Laser (press R to shoot)

Unlimited. You could be on one side of the track and still hit someone on the other. It’s weak though… only stunning the victim for a split second (but enough to tick the tar outta ‘em, which is half the fun really).

  • Speed Up (automatic)

Increases your speed for that entire race. Collect a couple and you’ll blaze right through the competition.

  • Matchless (automatic)

Zipping at break-neck speed, anyone caught in your path will flip out. It’s just like the Star from Super Mario Kart.

  • Land Mine (Y)

My favorite. The more land mine icons you collect the more you can lay at a time. If you collect three or four as I once did, you’ll OWN that race!

  • Nitro (X)

Speed burst. If you’re on a track with steep hills, activate it at the bottom and watch your guy FLY!

  • Missile (R)

A one shot deal that, when released, darts around the track until it finds someone or burns out.

  • Weight (R)

Like the missile, a one time deal that sends a blue skeleton disc around the track until it finds someone or passes out. This causes the infected driver to go considerably slower.

  • Turn Over (R)

Evil in its purest form. Bolts a yellow skeleton disc around the track — if it finds a target, that driver will temporarily have his control REVERSED. On basic tracks the transition is usually no biggie. But on those with lots of turns, it’s a true you-know-what. Luckily, when infected, a fairy (!) appears carrying a first-aid kit. Touch her and instantly be healed. Love it. Odd and rather weird, but very cool!

The reason for different buttons? So you can drop a land mine WHILE shooting your lasers. As NBA Hall-of-Famer turned commentator Bill Walton would say: “Now HOW cool is THAT?”

Three game modes: Battle, Grand Prix and Practice.

In Battle you pick from 1-30 laps to win a course. 15 is the default; I like playing on 10 just to keep things moving. Pick from 1-5 match wins. You can even select a new track after each round! In Bomberman, you’re restricted to the SAME field until one player can win the designated amount. But here, say it’s 3 wins to the trophy; well, you can play on tracks 1, 2 and 8 if you wish. Brilliant!

Up to 5 human players can play, with a total of 6 maximum bikers. Any combo is possible: 1-on-1 race, or 4 bikers instead of 6. Go 7 laps, or 27. Adjust the AI from 1-5. It’s very user-friendly, just like Bomberman.

The Grand Prix follows a storyline, but like Bomberman the meat of Battle Cross is playing the Battle mode (and preferably with some buddies to truly enhance the experience).

Nine initial courses are available, with one being unlockable.  Let’s check ‘em out.

COURSE #1

BattleCross1

Just your basic first stage that helps you ease into things. The course itself has no special features. A volcano rests peacefully in the middle and a friendly chap in the ocean enjoys fishing while observing the race. Oh and um… a Godzilla-like creature plays in the sand pit there… those wacky Japanese. They’re at it again…

COURSE #2

BattleCross2

A couple puddles atop and a grumpy pirate who doesn’t like trespassers highlight this track. He launches a cannonball across the screen every five seconds or so. If you find yourself in the line of fire, don’t be a chump, jump!

COURSE #3

BattleCross3

The orange arrows operate as a speed burst. This is the first track to implement high and low drops. I really like the curve before the finish line — it’s the perfect opportunity to smoothly turn the corner and accelerate on through. And for some reason, I really dig the way the grass looks. It’s so lush. It’s the little things!

COURSE #4

BattleCross4

This course rocks. Leap over the wooden spikes and watch out for the rocket that comes screaming out of the hole. A little gate near the totem pole swings open periodically, allowing the precious possibility of a short cut. But if the gate closes as you go for it, the AGONY! The shrubbery at the bottom left obstructs the playing view. It’s ripe for mine-dropping. Overall this course has a good deal of strategy, making it one of my favorite courses in the game.

COURSE #5

BattleCross5

See that wolf peering over the cliff there? Nice! It’s the little things that make video games cool I always say. Here the slopes get very steep and if you got Nitro, use it at that bottom hill. Your momentum can propel you straight through the finish line! It’s similar to using a mushroom right before the jump bit on the very first iconic Ghost Valley track from Super Mario Kart.

COURSE #6

BattleCross6

Twice the hidden overpasses equals twice the potential danger of land mines. I love the corner where my red guy is at — making a smooth turn and having that long raceway to steam forward is pretty cool stuff.

COURSE #7

BattleCross7

Love this devious track. It’s wide open… til you get to the two red pillars. To make matters worse, they move randomly! It’s a short stage but very fun because of the chaos the red pillars can cause. Blue and yellow there did OK — green and purple not so much! As for me, red, oh you know.. you know… uh… overlapping them. *cough* Nothing beats cutting through those pillars unscathed. Not only will you probably be in the lead but you’ll look real cool too, oh yeah.

COURSE #8

BattleCross8

Those are some big animals! O_o Course gets a bit bumpy in the middle there. This is one of my least favorite tracks to be honest. It doesn’t seem as appealing as some of the others. Be sure to drop mines under that overpass, though…

COURSE #9

BattleCross9

Pinball-mania. Madness I tells ya. The 3 yellow bumpers move and are hard to avoid. Hit the bumpers as I did here, and you’ll be bouncing back and forth for a few. He who minimizes mistakes, will win.

MISCELLANEOUS NOTES

-Graphics are nothing to write home about but as you can see are quite serviceable and for this type of game works

-Sound is OK, but I love the catchy course tunes

-Like Bomberman, it’s still decent enough fun to play alone, but the real treat is getting 4 other people to play… one of those games that’s perfect to play after a late night out

-Even your little brother or sister can play — there’s an option in Battle mode for “human-CPU” mode. Think of it like… auto-defense in baseball video games

-You won’t need to understand Japanese to enjoy this game, though the storyline in Grand Prix will fly over your head… but no biggie, ya know?

-Never a hint of slowdown

-The back cover of the manual has the best Engrish ever:

Thanks for what!
Those silly Japanese

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Battle Cross is a fun party game. It possesses a unique charm and little things like the wolf and revolving gate, for example, add a sense of life to the game. The more I played Battle Cross the more I liked it. It’s well worth owning, especially if you have like-minded retro gaming friends. It’s a shame this game never came out in the US, but thankfully we can import it without any hassles as everything in the game is pretty much self-explanatory. Now, I do have to say this. I liked this game a lot more when I first played it in 2006, nearly 10 years ago. Similar to The Firemen, another Super Famicom title, I was really impressed a decade ago when this was a fresh novelty. In revisiting it years later, while I still like and recommend it, it’s not quite as awesome as I remembered it being. The gameplay is not as ‘meaty’ as Super Bomberman or Super Mario Kart. Don’t get me wrong, I still like Battle Cross, but perhaps temper your expectations at the door before diving in. Obviously it doesn’t hold a candle to either of those iconic Super Nintendo games, but hey, few games can. Battle Cross is a funky example of a game that’s both “worthy” yet somehow “somewhat disappointing, considering.”

Graphics: 7
Sound: 8
Gameplay: 7
Longevity: 8

Award

Overall: 7.5
Bronze Award

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters (SNES)

Pub: Konami | Dev: Konami | Dec. '93 | 16 MEGS
Pub: Konami | Dev: Konami | Dec. ’93 | 16 MEGS

Back in the early-mid ’90s fighting games ruled the scene. Street Fighter II launched a phenomenon that spawned clone after clone. Very few came close to the level of Street Fighter. Some were even downright ATROCIOUS. But once in a while, one came along that completely surprised you. One of those games was a Super Nintendo exclusive. It never came out in the arcades, but Konami could have fooled me. Its name… Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters.

Last night a friend and I caught the latest TMNT movie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. It was far better than I expected, especially since I didn’t like the 2014 version at all. I mean, it wasn’t great or anything, but I can genuinely say I wouldn’t mind the inevitable 3rd film in this Michael Bay series. Seeing the movie made me nostalgic for the Turtles from my childhood, and so it’s a perfect time to talk about one of the best fighting games the SNES ever saw.

EXCUSE ME, SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME

"It's SF 2 Turbo with DEATH moves!"
“It’s SF 2 Turbo with DEATH moves!”

Those were the haunting, earth-shattering words of my brother’s friend, Kerwin, back in December ’93. According to him, he had just played this new amazing fighting game — one that he claimed had“Fatality” like moves during combat and one that actually played better than Street Fighter II Turbo. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought Kerwin worked for Konami himself. At that time I had never conceived of anything like the idea of death moves. These were essentially SUPER special moves that dealt out a TREMENDOUS amount of damage and could only be done when your 2nd bar was full. Just the idea of two energy bars blew my 10 year old mind, let alone the idea of a screen-filling, flashy, super special attack. Maybe there was another game that had already done this at the time, but alI I knew was, Tournament Fighters was my first exposure to the wonderful wacky world of super specials. It’s one of those epic memories you always carry with you, in your gaming heart. TMNT: Tournament Fighters would have been terrific even without their Ultimate Attacks but WITH them it makes for one truly amazing fighting game.

SF 2 Turbo with death moves? Mind blown
Street Fighter II Turbo with death moves? Mind blown

Since late 1993, death moves have become a key staple in the genre. Everything from looks to command (i.e. how to pull off a super special move) has only gotten crazier and crazier. By comparison, these ones may seem tame today… but man, back in the day, they were something else to behold!

I wonder if she's singing "Great Balls of Fire..."
I wonder if she’s singing “Great Balls of Fire…”

Tournament Fighters has two bars. One serves as your energy bar while the second fills up each time you land a blow, blocked or not. It’s a free flowing bar, meaning that if you are not on the offensive the bar swings back the other way slowly but surely. Thus, a great deal of emphasis is put on being aggressive, rather than defensive. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself compromised as your opponent unleashes his possibly two or even three times in a single round. When full, the bar ignites and you have three seconds to perform your super special. If you fail to execute your big move in that time frame, then the bar swings back the other way. Thankfully, it moves one smidgen at a time. Meaning if for whatever reason you couldn’t pull off your big move, just one or two more (blocked) attacks will see your bar refilled once more. It was a brilliant and innovative feature for its time. Back in December of 1993, none of my gaming crew nor I had ever seen anything like the Ultimate Attacks. And we loved them. It changed the dynamic of a typical fighting game match, and some of the screen-filling moves were truly awe-inspiring 20+ years ago.

Side effects include...
Side effects include…

However, there were some downsides to the Ultimate Attacks. Namely, since you only have about three seconds to unleash it… human opponents are very likely to block it. Though some can cause a good deal of damage even when blocked, it would be better if there was no time limit and the bar could remain full until you were ready to use it. It would have led to a bit more strategy. Instead, the game plays like a mad melee, which is not bad in its own right. Props for having these mega death moves at all.

CHRISTMAS MAGIC IN JANUARY

Santa has a Tic Tac with your name on it, Mikey
Santa has a Tic Tac with your name on it, Mikey

Having hounded both my parents about Clay Fighter and with them knowing how disappointed I was that I didn’t get it or even a video game that Christmas, my mom allowed me to buy one video game in January of ’94. I had just rented Clay Fighter and was thankful I did (boy, was it disappointing). They took me to Good Guys and I bought Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters. I had never played it before but it was #2 on my want game list that Christmas season, trailing only Clay Fighter. I grew up on the Ninja Turtles, and it looked like a terrific Street Fighter II clone. I loved the cover and will never forget seeing it at Good Guys looking all pretty in its wrapping. It seemed to call out to me. Right away I knew it was the one. My mom and dad took the game to the counter to pay for it while I stood there nearly quaking in my shoes. What a wonderful belated Christmas gift! It was the second SNES game my mom ever bought for me, just about one year after she’d bought me my first, King of the Monsters. It was one of the longest car rides home that I can remember. It was time to see if Kerwin was right or not — was this truly Street Fighter II Turbo but with death moves??

"I THOUGHT OH SWEET JESUS... I RAN FOR MY LIFE!"
“I THOUGHT OH SWEET JESUS. I RAN FOR MY LIFE!”

THE STORY GOES…

TMNTTF8

Heisenberg!
BLAH — I ordered extra pepperoni!
Suddenly the TV's been hacked
Suddenly the TV has been hacked

Mike:  Hey, who hacked our tube? This is SO NOT COOL, DUDES!
Raph: SHADDUP MIKEY! I wanna hear this…
Don:  Amazing, I wonder what kind of device they used to hack our streaming service?
Leo:  Guys, there could only be one villain behind this…

TMNTTF10

AH-HA! The rat has found his golden ticket
AH-HA! The rat has found his golden ticket
They don't call him MASTER Splinter for nothing!
They don’t call him MASTER Splinter for nothing!

TMNTTF13

Classic, VINTAGE Konami
Classic, VINTAGE Konami

TMNTTF15

COWABUNGA! [You're fired -Ed.]
COWABUNGA! [You’re fired -Ed.]
There's even a code for Hi-Speed 3
There’s even a code for Hi-Speed 3

I’ve always enjoyed the presentation / vibe of most Konami titles. They had a classic, basic yet sleek look to them. You could always count on Konami to deliver the goods :)

I was so sad SNES Martial Champion never happened
I was so sad SNES Martial Champion never happened

When I first saw this 20+ years ago, I instantly said to my brother, “It’s Martial Champion!” We liked it. It was different from most other fighting games which all seemed to have the same select screen. This one was different enough to be a bit of a stand out, however.

I remember picking Titi (AKA Chaos) first
I remember picking Titi (AKA Chaos) first

Martial Champion came out February 1993. It was one of a thousand Street Fighter II clones flooding the market at the time. I fell in love with it, but I was basically sleeping with every fighting game that came out during that golden age of 1992 to 1994 or so. It was colorful, outlandish and a bit different from your average SF II clone.

Loved Titi so much that I even drew a pic of him
Loved Titi so much that I even drew a pic

Titi (renamed Chaos in the US) was my favorite character. It looked like a cross between Freddy Krueger and a Chinese hopping vampire! Sold and sold! The game was unique thanks to its high jumps and how you could disarm your opponent and steal their weapon to use it against them. Looking back, it wasn’t a great fighting game or anything, but it was yet another fun entry in that epic era I fondly refer to as the ‘Fighting Game Golden Age.’

MARTRIAL Champions. Man, am I glad I learned how two spel..
MARTRIAL Champions. Man, glad I learned how two spel

Take a look and see for yourself! Yeah, I know. I couldn’t draw for jack but man… the memories of those fun and simple times. Running in those arcade halls with my old gaming crew, going from fighting game to fighting game. It was akin to a buffet lineup. A grand time those days were, indeed.

SETTING THE STAGE

Oh we'll get to the Genesis version a little later on, believe me...
Oh we’ll get to the Genesis version a little later…
You really gotta use mouthwash, Mikey
You really gotta use some mouthwash, Mikey

Of the many things I love about this game the one I adore the most might be the stages. Just look at this one f’rinstance. First off, the idea of a duel to the death on a rooftop is appealing, but then you add in massive billboards and a pretty backdrop of some hotels and business buildings, including a nifty flashing neon Konami sign all set to an atmospheric night time hue, and what you have is a winner. Most of the stages in this game are chock full with detail, color (admittedly at times almost TOO much color), and oh yeah, cameos. You’ll see tons of familiar faces from the TMNT universe scattered throughout, from foot soldiers to Neutrinos to Rocksteady and Bebop (though they should have been playable fighters but I digress). You’ll battle it out everywhere, from shady back alleys to ancient ruins, sunken ships, raucous rock concerts, roaring trains and cafés filled with jukeboxes, neon signs and bloodthirsty spectators. The stages captured my imagination 20+ years ago, and to this day, in my book, they’re still some of the best backgrounds I’ve ever seen in a 16-bit fighter.

I also dig how you can spot the big set pieces in the little avatars
<3 how they show the big set pieces in the little shots

What’s a fighting game without some sort of stage select screen? I’ve always liked the one here… with the Statue of Liberty front and center, and the little light that searches for the next stage. The sound effects here, as can be expected, are top-notch and firmly embedded in my mind more than 20 years later.

Good God, this game brings back so many nostalgic memories...
Man, this brings back so many nostalgic memories

THE FIGHTERS

TMNTTF26

LEONARDO | 5’8″ | 170 lbs.

The leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Leonardo is as straight-edge as they come. Focused and determined, his trusty katana blades often pushes him ahead of the competition. Not surprisingly, he plays like Ryu. Leo’s never been my favorite turtle, but he’s a solid all-around fighter, and an easy choice for beginning players. As expected, his swords provide him solid range. You can slice and dice to your heart’s content… something I always wanted to see in the old cartoon but never did for obvious reasons — but here you can fulfill those long forgotten childhood dreams.

Where's Jesse Pinkman when you need him?  [Getting high -Ed.]
Where’s Jesse Pinkman when you need him?
Hustlers, hookers and hoodlums litter this shady looking back alley. In an attempt to shed his choir boy, straight edge image, Leo invites his opposing rivals to meet him way out in this dilapidated part of town in the middle of the day, breaking the age-old ninja code of hiding in the shadows. Leo is ready, at last, to step outta his shell.

Beware slow recovery time
Beware slow recovery time
Are-You-Krang!
Are-You-Krang!
Millenium Wave!
Millenium Wave!
Tired of the shadows, Leo takes to the mean streets
Tired of the shadows, Leo takes to the mean streets

TMNTTF33RAPHAEL | 5’8″ | 170 lbs.

Though Mike was my favorite growing up, Raph is a very close second. It’s hard not to like him. He was part of the team but it always felt like he was one small misstep from snapping [A snapping turtle? -Ed.]. Raph was easily the edgiest turtle of the lot, always exuding this aura of coolness. Maybe it’s because he’s a quasi-rebel and a hard-ass, which deep down there’s a little bit of that in all of us. He didn’t use his sai much in the old cartoon, but makes plenty good use of them here, including a M. Bison torpedo-esque move that can be a pain in the neck to deal with. Just a shame Casey Jones isn’t around as that’s one fight I’d love to see!

Part of me half expects Marty McFly to barge in any second now
Part of me expects Marty McFly to come bumbling in

This was one of my most favorite fighting game backgrounds as a kid. It’s got the classic long counter you’d find at any diner worth half its salt, a jukebox, a colorful neon sign that lights up and what’s up with that strange looking cat in the middle there? He looks like an ape and for pete’s sake sir pull your shirt all the way down, son! Damn. Way to spoil one’s appetite, eh?

Smallest fireball ever
Smallest fireball ever
Sai-cho Crusher!
Sai-cho Crusher!
"Holy BALLS!" -Mean Gene Okerlund
Energy Spray!
The maverick of the group, Raph has got some SERIOUS BALLS
The maverick of the group, Raph’s got some serious balls

TMNTTF39DONATELLO | 5’8″ | 170 lbs.

Often referred to as the brains of the group, Donatello is usually busy working on his latest inventions. This time however, he’s taking a firm stand to show he can not only hold his own, but that he’s the most skilled fighter of his clan. His bo gives him good coverage and he’s just plain fun to use, especially with his Cranium Crusher that is exclusive only to him. Plus, his Ultimate Attack ranks as one of the most memorable — Donnie [Yen, apparently -Ed.] sends forth a ginormous dragon wave. It was jaw dropping back in ’93, and 20+ years later still puts a huge grin on my face whenever I see it. Donnie reminds us he’s more than just a brainiac.

This must be where Jesse's RV was dismantled [no spoilers! -Ed.]
This must be where Jesse’s RV was dismantled…
In a corner tucked far away from town lies a rundown scrapyard where the dirtiest of deeds go down. Classic characters from the cartoon, like the vigilante Casey Jones and mad scientist Baxter Stockman, make cameos here in a definite tip of the cap. When Donnie isn’t busy scouring the scrapheap for random parts to tinker with, he’s busy kicking some ass.

Great recovery on the Ground Claw
DANCING DONNIE?!
Dragon Wave!
Dragon Wave!
Summon the power of a dragon!
Summon the power of a dragon!

TMNTTF44MICHELANGELO | 5’8″ | 170 lbs.

Easily my favorite Ninja Turtle growing up, every kid I knew identified themselves with Mikey at one point or another — the classic fun-loving, pizza-craving party animal of the troupe. Mikey never really used his nunchucks in the old ’80s cartoon, so it’s a fan’s dream come true to see him swinging them here like no tomorrow. He plays like a tantalizing mix of Ryu and Blanka, with a cool arcing rolling attack and a deadly rising uppercut. Mikey’s also got the best stage in the entire game. To cap it off, his Ultimate Attack is a swift and sick 10-hit barrage known as the Dance of Fury.

Might be the best backdrop of any SNES fighting game I've seen
Gotta love the blatant shameless advertising

Hands down my favorite background of the game; hell, I’d put this up against any other fighting game stage on the SNES. The flashing Konami sign, the billboards on each side, the atmospheric city life with the bright lights — it’s a crime not to like this stage. I bet Mikey goes here after picking up a pizza and watches over the city as he munches away to his little heart’s content. Bless the lad, really.

If Blanka had a fireball...
If Blanka had a fireball…
"RISING THUNDER!"
“RISING THUNDER!”

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Dance of Fury!
Dance of Fury!

TMNTTF50ARMAGGON | 8’0″ | 400 lbs.

This guy had to be every kid’s dream come true back in the day. At least he was for me. Who didn’t drool at the thought of being a mutant shark? At the time I thought he was a brand new character constructed just for the game, but he actually comes from the comic book universe of Ninja Turtles fame, like quite a few of the other characters found in this game. While I was initially disappointed in the lack of familiar faces from the cartoon, I always liked Armaggon. Everything from his look to the giant octopus sitting in the middle of his stage… he’s JAWESOME [You’ve jumped the shark -Ed.].

The eyes track your every movement. It's a little unsettling!
The eyes track your every movement. A bit unsettling

This stage creeped me out when I was a kid. If I were really fighting, I’d find it impossible to focus on my opponent with that grotesque abomination stalking my every move. Its eyes literally track you wherever you go. Talk about unnerving. But it’s also frigging awesome.

I love his alternative color
I love his alternative color
Fin Slicer has great range
Fin Slicer has great range
Just when you thought it was safe...
Tsunami!
Where are the Street Sharks when ya need 'em?!
Where are the Street Sharks when ya need ‘em?!

TMNTTF56ASKA | 5’2″ | 110 lbs.

Okay, so I have a small confession to make. When I was growing up, female fighters were never really my cup of tea. I always wanted to pick either the Ryu clone, the “cool” Guile rip-off, or the freaks (stretch fighters, monsters and other assorted weirdos). Female fighters, bless their hearts, simply never moved my meter. Back then the only one I used to any degree was Janne from the World Heroes series. Well, here’s another rare like. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but Aska’s always been cool in my book.

Rumors you could use the frog. Ah, pre-internet days...
Rumors you could use the frog. Ah, pre-internet days

In 1993 there was a very popular SNK fighter by the name of Samurai Shodown. This backdrop always made me think of that game. Noh is a classic Japanese drama dance show that surged sometime in the 14th or 15th century. The mutant frog which resides in the middle of the stage always intrigued me. I remember rumors circulating within my own gaming crew that the giant frog was a secret character you could use. Of course, it was just a BS rumor my friends and I formed — it was a sign of the times. The good old days…

Builds your meter fast
Builds your meter fast
Love that trailing butterfly effect
Tornado Blast!
Tornado Blast!
Did you know: she's based off Mitsu from 1993's TMNT III
Aska is based off Mitsu from 1993’s TMNT III film

TMNTTF62CHROME DOME | 5’10” | 200 lbs.

Considering how most of the roster consists of antagonists NOT from the cartoon universe, Chrome Dome was a very welcomed addition. I love how Konami gave the token “stretch fighter” the game’s biggest damage-inducing throw (outside of the bosses). It’s very cool as it’s just something you didn’t see in fighting games at all during that era. So in some ways, Chrome Dome felt like a slight mix of Dhalsim meets Zangief. He could stretch for defense and offense, and if you get too close to him, he could grab ya and take you on one SHOCKING ride.

With the Neutrinos hanging around, I'm sad Traag didn't show up
We get a Neutrinos cameo, but sadly no Traag

Who knew tin head was so artsy fartsy? With a penchant for the fine arts, the culturally cognizant Chrome Dome gets his kicks off on piledrivering his competition at the local art museum. Familiar cartoon faces make a spot cameo in the form of Mousers and the Neutrinos. ‘GROOVY!’ indeed.

Every SF II clone has a stretch freak
Stretch fighter? Check
Shades of Terry Bogard
Shades of Terry Bogard
He electrocutes them to boot
Piledriver ends in electrocution
Chrome Bomb!
Chrome Bomb!
Chrome Dome: an ass-kicking, culturally-hip kind of 'bot
Chrome Dome: so badass and underrated

TMNTTF69CYBER SHREDDER | 6’6″ | 280 lbs.

This ain’t your regular Shredder you remember bumbling around in the ’80s cartoon. No, far from that. Indeed, this is THE SHREDDER ON STEROIDS. This is Cyber Shredder, a walking weapon of destruction. Part of me wishes we got the ’80s version instead, for nostalgic reasons. I was saddened to hear about the passing of one, James Avery, in December 2013. Better known as Uncle Phil, Avery was the voice of the late ’80s and early ’90s Shredder. When I found that fun little factoid in the late ’90s or so, I never looked at Shredder the same way ever again.

No one speaks of it as they refer to it as the 'Wrong Side of Town'
Don’t get caught in the ‘Wrong Side of Town’

On the outskirts of town, there exists an iniquitous construction site that is rumored to have been taken over by the evil and nefarious Cyber Shredder and his Foot Clan. There are even whispers on the street, though apocryphal, that the police themselves dare not step foot onto the Cyber Shredder’s hot new territory. It’s considered a lost part of town and most have turned a blind eye in exchange for their own personal safety. All hail the mighty Foot!

Reflect opponent projectiles
Reflect opponent projectiles
It slices, it dices!
It slices, it dices!
Looks awkward, but is effective
Looks awkward, but is effective
Lightning Crusher!
Lightning Crusher!
"TONIGHT, I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP!"
“TONIGHT, I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP!”

TMNTTF76WAR | 8’0″ | 350 lbs.

A savage bipedal triceratops? Sign me up! Those were my sentiments when I first laid eyes on him 20+ years ago. Originating from the comics, he was one of the Four Horsemen — along with Death, Famine and Pestilence. A real shame then, considering the superb look and cool name. He goes down in fighting game history as one of the most disappointing fighters ever. He’s limited to two special moves that aren’t too hot. Thankfully, his stage stands out and his Ultimate Attack is a rip-roaring attention grabber. War hurls himself around the screen like a pinball of destruction, but even that can’t save him from feeling like a largely wasted roster space.

If only you could use Bebop and Rocksteady
If only you could use Bebop and Rocksteady

It’s a beautiful sunny day, with only a couple clouds hanging overhead. Your breath is taken away as you look around at all the beautiful sights, until you catch sight of your old bumbling rivals, Bebop and Rocksteady. You chuckle to yourself as a savage roar erupts nearby. A giant 8 foot tall armored monster leaps within 10 feet of ya, the sunshine shimmering off his razor sharp talons. And just as quick, your smile fades.

If Balrog were a dinosaur...
If Balrog were a dinosaur…
War Dynamic!
War Dynamic!
Someone needs a mani and pedi I'd say...
Someone needs a mani and pedi…

TMNTTF81WINGNUT | 6’0″ | 300 lbs.

I remember thinking to myself, “Why this bastard over a classic fan fave like Bebop or Rocksteady?” Wingnut appeared briefly in the ’80s cartoon series and had a much bigger role in the comics. He’s the very definition of an “unorthodox fighter.” It will take a highly skilled player to get the most out of his unusual offense. Possessing a somewhat awkward moveset, and considering how his Ultimate Attack can be a total flop, to his credit he’s got one of the coolest stages in fighting game history. What’s better than a rock concert while watching two combatants knock the stuffing out of each other?

It's the soundtrack of rock 'n roll and violence MASHED together
Music and violence — what more could ya want?

Wingnut, the master of soundwaves, is hardly a stranger to loud noise. Whereas it distracts and even causes damage to the ear drums of most mere mortals, Wingnut relishes on such raucous and frenzied environments. From the HEAVY METAL headbanging to the strobe lights to the t-rex twins, the ringing Thunder Dome produces a mad rocking atmosphere like no other. The audience is more than happy to pay top dollar for this BARBARIC MASHUP.

Even his fireball is weird as hell
Even his fireball is weird as hell
Mad Spectre!
Mad Spectre!
Best seat in the house
Best seat in the house

THE BOSSES

Whenever you see April, bad stuff happens
Whenever you see April, bad stuff happens
Rat King is a powerhouse. I prefer his classic cartoon look
I much prefer his classic cartoon look, though
Now that's the Rat King I love!
Now that’s the Rat King I know and love!

In the comics, Rat King had a telepathic super power where he could communicate with rats. In the ’80s cartoon series he had to use a flute. He’s always been a cool cat [rat? -Ed.] in my book, and I wish we saw more familiar faces from the cartoon than the comics. Although I realize by late 1993 the cartoon series was not nearly as popular as it once was. Still, how lovely would it have been to see the likes of Krang, Rocksteady, Bebop and Casey Jones?

At least the Japanese version made it slightly more interestin
At least the Japanese version made it more interesting

Studio 6 is where they film this game show format for Tournament Fighters. High school cheerleaders adorn the stage. A badly missed opportunity at a sewer-based stage. If you’re not going to give it to one of the turtles, then at least give it to the Rat King (AKA the King of the Sewers). This game has plenty of cool stages, but this one was rather dull. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Shock Sphere!
Shock Sphere!
Looking more like the Mummy King...
Looking more like the Mummy King…
"Damn GURL, do you EVER have good news??"
“Damn GURL, do you EVER have good news??”
Karai is, hands down, one of the most annoying end bosses ever
Karai is one annoying final boss
Karai is now a very popular, well-known character in TMNT-dom!
Vernon Fenwick cameo woot woot

A duel to the death atop a screaming metro train. Mr. Vernon Fenwick from Channel 6 News captures the chaos for all to see from the comfort of their home. Perhaps Konami knew all along just how bloodthirsty humanity is…

Dark Thunder!
Dark Thunder!
I would have gone with Krang, myself
I would have gone with Krang, myself

THE END?

Is... that... it?
Is… that… it?

The endings are rather disappointing. Each character ending has only two shots with hit-or-miss artwork and a few text messages. For as difficult as the computer opponents are, this is a major letdown.

BONUSES

If it ain't broke, don't fix it  [HA-HA. I see what you did there -Ed.]
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it [I see what you did there -Ed.]
Like most fighting games of the early-mid ’90s, there lies breakable furniture in some of the stages. It’s a damn classic staple of the genre. The ones here are, admittedly, a bit ‘weak’ [I see what you did there -Ed.], but hey, they’re there.

I think it just speaks to a 10 year old boy's desire to DESTROY
It speaks to a 10 year old boy’s desire to DESTROY

Speaking of um, bonuses, check out probably my all-time most favorite fighting game bonus stage around. Destroying bank safes one after another? Sign me up!

Konami really made you believe it was real coins
The sound of coins falling sounds so realistic

I love the idea that someone was dropping these bad boys from the sky like a madman. They kept raining down, and you had to bust ‘em up until there were none left. It was extremely satisfying and I much rather play this bonus stage than any other.

See the $100 bills? That's EARTHBOUND money right there playa
Konami made you believe it was the real deal

Besides the concept and killer sound effects, I love this bonus round because unlike 90 to 95% of bonus rounds you come across in the genre, this one is actually quite challenging. You need a plan of attack rather than just mindlessly pound away. There were enough safes that ya barely had enough time, and it was SO cool how they can topple over (and knock you out, too).

Sure. I mean, leave it to Mikey to be the voice of reason, right?
Leave it to Mikey to be the voice of reason, eh?
My bad, yo. That's on me
My bad, yo. That’s on me

ONLY IN JAPAN

Only in Japan? Those 3 words have never been said before...
Only in Japan: such words have never been said before…

There a few notable differences between the American and Japanese versions of the SNES game. In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Warriors (to give it its Japanese namesake), among the differences include Rat King’s extra stage bit, where combatants can be knocked through the wall revealing the control room of Studio 6.

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The other difference is the censorship of Aska. In the Japanese version you can see her buttocks a bit, but they covered it up in the North American version.

GE*NES*IS VERSIONS

Pros: It's Casey! Cons: Er, yeah...
Pros: It’s Casey! Cons: Er, yeah…

In what very well might be the first and ONLY time in gaming history, Konami released simultaneously three games of the same name on the NES, Genesis and SNES, but with very different game engines and rosters. While cool of them to diversify like that, it was clear SNES owners received the superior version. The Genesis version is broken and by comparison, crap. By late ’93, the Genesis was starting to look like the grandfather on the block while the SNES was just hitting its prime. With Tournament Fighters released across all three platforms, it was clear (at least in my mind) who the king of the jungle was. I was happy to own all three systems, but Super Nintendo was clearly KING in my household.

Props for even bothering to try...
Props for even bothering to try…

The 8-bit NES game is not even worth talking about from a gameplay standpoint; although, it does make for a fun water cooler topic as far as near final NES releases go. The NES was gasping its last breath by late ’93, so any title released was newsworthy, indeed. This was just a painful reminder though that my dear old friend couldn’t keep up with a changing of the guard. I love the 8-bit Nintendo and Sega Genesis, but I’m just calling it like I see it. When Tournament Fighters came out on all three systems, it was like a subtle declaration in my own heart which of those three systems reigned supreme.

CRACK THE CODE

The game was chock full of codes
The game was chock full of codes
But one code stood above the rest...
But one code stood above the rest…

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And on a cold night in January '94, I somehow cracked the code!
And on a cold night in January ’94, I cracked the code
Well, it ends as legendary as it began...
Well, it ends as legendary as it began…

I sat there completely dumbfounded, my jaw on the ground. I had to do a double take. Right there in my friend’s room, I could play as the Rat King or Karai. I ran downstairs to tell my friends about it. I still remember the skeptical looks on their faces, and how they kept saying, “Dude, this better not be a hoax. I’m about to eat some KFC!” They followed behind me as I took the stairs 2 steps at a time. I stood at the doorway and stretched my hand out as to welcome them in. One by one they filed in and I stood there still in the doorway smiling when I heard the collective HOLY SHIT! cries. I can’t tell you how red my hand got that night because of all the high fives. They asked what the code was, and sadly, I had no clue. We left the game on the entire night just so we could play as the bosses. When we finally turned it off at 12 something in the morning, we turned it right back on so I could try the code again. No such luck. Whatever I punched in randomly before was now gone.

The very next month I saw this printed in the pages of EGM...
The very next month I saw this printed in EGM

The infamous boss code. Right there in all its glory. Looking back, it’s a fond memory for me. The thrill of cracking the code, the joys of sharing it with my friends, creating a lifetime memory. Back then, you couldn’t just log into damn GameFAQs for your hints and secrets, oh no. It was either through tip sections in gaming magazines like such, or plain discovering ‘em yourself through dumb luck. Discovering the boss code made me the man of my group for that one epic night, anyhow, and I recall with deep fondness just the sights, sounds and smells of that great night. The KFC aroma in the air, the thundering footsteps up the stairs, the tingling rush that I felt sweeping every fiber of my being when I saw Rat King and Karai on the select screen, the cries of sheer joy from my friends, as though we just collectively won the Mega Million Lottery, and the stinging high fives. Man, we must have played like 3 straight hours that night. Boss code, how I miss you and your simplicity. Boy, were things different back then. I’m very grateful I was lucky enough to have grown up when I did. When gaming with friends was all that mattered.

20+ years ago this all went down, eh? Oh my, I'm a dinosaur now
20+ years ago this all went down, eh? I feel old

Look, she’s taunting me! GRR! So, I discovered the most wanted code and could have won a free game from EGM, but I couldn’t remember the code anyway, so Konami giving it to EGM first was a moot point as it would turn out. I suppose that softened the blow for not being able to remember the damn code!

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID

Konami serves up yet another SNES classic. LET'S KICK SHELL!
Konami with another SNES classic. LET’S KICK SHELL!

Tournament Fighters was received well by the press. It garnered high scores across the board and I can’t recall anyone ever having a bad thing to say of it. From the critics to regular gamers like you and me, the game was beloved and extolled by many. It is also widely regarded as one of the better fighting games on the SNES. EGM gave it scores of 8, 9, 9 and 9. GameFan rated it 85, 92, 96 and 96%. Super Play Magazine scored it 90%. It was not only one of the BEST fighting games of 1993, but one of the best games, period, that year. One play and it’s easy to see why the game had so many diehard supporters. It succeeds where most clones fail miserably: it’s fun, fast, fluid and to boot it’s the TEENAGE MUTANT f*ckin’ NINJA TURTLES!

Tournament Fighters joins the canonization of great SNES games
Tournament Fighters joins the ranks of great SNES titles
It built up a massive tidal wave of supporters [Ya had to huh -Ed.]
It built up a massive tidal wave of supporters…

CLOSING THOUGHTS

20+ years later, this one hit wonder still awaits a proper sequel
20+ years later, this game still holds up well

Tournament Fighters is a fantastic fighting game. In fact I think it’s the best SNES-exclusive fighter. In an age where crap clones were slapped together and shipped out the door like no tomorrow, Tournament Fighters was groomed for success. It’s packed full of quality from top to bottom. Those graphics are bright, bold and classic mid ’90s SNES magic. The sound and music both hit the mark, with tunes you can rock out to. The fighting game engine just feels right. Jumps aren’t floaty. Physics don’t feel off. It’s extremely well polished. What can I say, I loved it 20+ years ago, and even still to this day I’ll play it for a round or two, or 50. It’s not better than Street Fighter II Turbo but came DAMN closer than most.

She asked for my snake, but I gave her the dragon
She asked for my snake, but I gave her the dragon

But best of all, how about the wild Ultimate Attacks, eh? Whether you prefer to call them desperation moves, super specials or death moves, there’s no denying they are a game changer. They added an extra layer to the battles, encouraging the player to be offensive-minded. For balance, the weaker your health, the easier it is to fill up your extra bar. Likewise, the stronger you are, the harder it is to fill it up. Tournament Fighters did a lot of cool things, but for me the Ultimate Attacks come to mind first. Whether it was a giant ass mythical dragon or a deadly tidal wave screaming across the TV, it was jaw dropping and all part of the fun. Like fine wine, the game has aged tremendously well. Konami delivered again, crafting a finely tuned fighting game that exudes meticulous care and is bursting with quality from every seam. Sure, a bigger roster including the likes of Rocksteady, Bebop, Krang, and Casey Jones would have been perfect, but the list of negatives are short and brief.

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Konami sure did hit a home run here, as they often did back in the ’90s. There aren’t many home-grown fighting games on the SNES, and the only ones giving Tournament Fighters any run for its money are: Ranma ½: Chōgi Rambu Hen and Mobile Suit Gundam Wing: Endless Duel. Some other SNES-grown fighters include Tuff Enuff, WeaponLord and Double Dragon V. Of all of them, I’d happily play this game the most. To me it’s a LEGIT Super Nintendo classic. It’s a quality fighting game with an engine that stands the test of time well. I still break it out on occasion to pass the odd evening or two. I will forever harbor fond memories of this game, from Kerwin’s unbelievable stamp of approval to my parents buying it after Christmas to the night I randomly unlocked Rat King and Karai… DAMN, the nostalgic goodness just goes on and on. Tournament Fighters, I salute thee!

Rest In Peace James Avery. You will be missed. 11.27.45-12.31.13
Rest In Peace, James Avery. 11.27.45-12.31.13
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time... coming soon-ish
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time coming…

Graphics: 9
Sound: 9
Gameplay: 9
Longevity: 9

Overall: 9.0

Gold Award
Gold Award